Co parenting. Want to move

[Feelingtrapped100]

I know INBU but I feel like AIBU gets more traffic. I Left my abusive ex years ago, this prompted an assault where he had stalked and waited for me and I was convinced I was going to die. I was bullied into not going to court but he was convicted.
contact with his child was sporadic originally, a few years later he sees his child 3 weekends out of 4. He has done other awful things to us but I have little evidence and didn’t report.
Years later I have moved on and have a boyfriend of 3 years that lives miles away. He lives in a place that I have always wanted to live and we would love to buy a place there together. I have wanted to leave my home town forever and the perfect opportunity would be during the transition to secondary school. I would only do this if my child was happy to which he is. I desperately want to get away from here for a fresh start.
I finally mentioned my thoughts to my ex who exploded, informed everyone he could and threatened court and prohibited steps order.
I feel like he has held me back so much already and the move could potentially mean much better prospects, finally owning a house and being happy and independent. I currently rent a relatives property.
sorry this is so long, I just want to know if I have any hope at all of this going my way and I don’t want to stop my son seeing his dad. I just can’t believe that one parent can sacrifice so much and go through so much at the hands of the other and it have no bearing on a custody hearing (which is what it is increasingly seeming like). I have had some free legal advice. TIA

About 2/3 hours drive. I do drive. A lot quicker on train.
yes, they get on great. Have been on holidays together etc etc. He is the kindest, most sensible, supportive man I have ever met and absolutely hates all of this/ is not confrontational at all. Absolutely does not want to replace his dad.

I wouldn’t agree to meet him
unless there was a third party with you and a cafe .
He may threatens you and you will have no proof. He can’t keep himself calm he keeps
blowing up.

If your son was unhappy and really wanted away I’d say just go and use all the stuff you have listed as a case if he takes you to court .
tbh the guilt trip and manipulation on your son sounds horrible. .not sure id want my child dealing with it .

Is the new area a better place for your child or just a place you want to be ? Why have you always wanted to be there !

He blew up then calmed down as maybe he knows he would loose a court case if he is still
showing abusive behaviour which seems he is.

It sounds like Dad knows his rights, and he will be well within his rights to apply for a prohibited steps order. Can’t your boyfriend move to you?

You can move him and sneakily enrol him in school, then spend ten hours a weekend in the car, but it sounds like this isn’t in the best interests of your son.

As a lawyer who works in this area, you may think this is unfair but he likely would be successful in getting a prohibited steps order as he has had regular contact which would not be easily maintained if you moved.

If the journey is quicker by train, I would consider shelving this plan for now and reconsidering when your son is old enough to travel independently for contact as then you will be better able to demonstrate that the relationship between them won't be disrupted

Honestly I wouldnt bother given what youve said here. If you go to court he'll manipulate and distress your DS and then he may well tell whoever the court gets to assess what he wants, that he doesn't want to move. My DC have a similar father, its all about them and their rights, kids don't even come a close second.

What I would say to coming across as “all about me” is that children are resilient, may benefit from broadening horizons, would have less chance of me owning a home here, potentially much better schools.

I’m also of the belief that a fresh start and my improved MH would benefit both of us and I am still not 100% and would make sure I was certain that he was happy and excited about it before I made any decisions.
I find it extremely difficult to accept that as primary carer your life choices can be dictated by someone who does there bit on a weekend. And in my case has all but ruined my life. That is selfish but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I made a decision that dc wasn’t happy with.

There is no order in place. Just arrangements that he usually decides and sometimes involve picking him up after his dinner one night and bringing him back the next morning. I’m guessing this is to reduce cm payments.

Yes, this is what I’m most afraid of :(

@Feelingtrapped100 i wasn’t having a a go.
I was being honest about how It comes across and to get honest advice you need to answer the question to others and yourself. .

I agree with you how rubbish it is and wish it all works out for you .
No point posters giving advice and don’t know the ins and outs and you move away and have no case and have to return.

Thats why I asked the questions I did .

That’s not true. They will meet in the middle.

Go for it OP and don’t let him threaten you. If you can genuinely offer your son a better life elsewhere and he’s onboard with it take the chance as you might not get another one.

It sounds like your ex is emotionally abusive to your DS, so I wouldn’t be so convinced that a lot of contact is in fact in your son’s best interest. Do you have any evidence of the manipulation? It would be worth discussing that with the lawyer when you see them.

I did this almost 8 years ago and DS has every other weekend with dad - driving was split (so we met half way) which was decided by the judge in court. He spends half the holidays and half term with dad too.
What I did was to seek a child arrangement order (which is unusual) however I wanted it written down that DS would still have contact with his dad as their relationship is vitally important and not the same as my relationship with his dad.
Talk to your solicitor about this.

I think it's selfish to remove your child from a situation where they see their dad most weekends to a situation where they either don't see him or have a long journey to do so.

Their relationship with him is as important as their relationship with you.

I think most parents would explode and react poorly if they were told that their child night be taken far away. You don't have the power to take him and shouldn't have announced it as if you did.

You have to apply to the court for permission to move your child.

Sorry, I was replying sincerely. I just quoted you so you’d know what I meant. I completely agree and it’s easier to take on board from 3rd parties. I also am aware that primarily it is a selfish decision, that doesn’t mean it’s a bad one. It just means it would benefit me more than my son - potentially. And arguably, my poor decision making that got us in to this mess.

It isn’t though is it? He’s a dick.

I also didn’t ask for opinions. Attempted to clarify in the Original post. I am abusing AIBU. And telling you that I’m not. In cases like these I firmly believe that if you risked your relationship with your child by causing deliberate harm to the other parent then YOU have to be the one that backs down and spends a little bit more time each month/ moves closer or whatever it is to see your child. Especially, if you do very little actual parenting yourself.

Thank you, this is helpful

I agree and have very little evidence unfortunately. I do have some. I just wouldn’t want to be the cause of more manipulation.

See a solicitor OP.

I assumed there isn’t a child arrangements order in place at the moment?

I experienced this but when my child was very young and I moved 4 hours away to be closer to my family for support.

How far away are you talking about moving?

You wouldn’t need to do all of the transport but it would be expected that you would agree to transport half way and for your son to still see his dad regularly (providing there are no safeguarding concerns). This is my personal experience anyway.

My son has seen his dad every 3-4 weekends all of his life and for extended periods in the holidays. We have a child arrangements order in place which was sorted through court.

The main consideration for you though is what is best for your son.

I also don’t think that saying “what would you think to this idea, obviously I old only work if you moved too”. Is any reason to blow up.

He has had a huge issue with bf being in son’s life at all and told him not to respect him etc etc. This is all about him. Not his child. He tried to start a fight on my doorstep with a male friend a few years ago. In front of child. :(

You're going to have to go through the legal process for this as it sounds like ex won't agree to it.

Is your son going the be moving away from extended family as well? Grandparents on both sides etc?

I do understand where you're coming from but even if he is a dickhead he is still your sons parent so unfortunately it's not for you to just up and leave.

Could you offer to meet in the middle for handovers if you move, that might sweeten him a bit?

My DH's ex lives around 3 hours away from us but they meet roughly halfway to hand over the children and it's always worked fine. Every other weekend for us, sometimes more, and school holidays of course.

Don’t be too hard on yourself abusers pull the wool over victims eyes .

You deserve to be happy but you will have to be able to make sure it’s in your son’s best interests too.
Support visits . Better lifestyle and opportunities.
Id take all the info you are giving us yo your solicitor .you may find once you have moved your son feels confident enough to say no to going to a dad who is manipulating him and he is scared of .

The worst is that the court can order her not to move the child or if she does, to arrange and pay for all travel so the father sees the child as often as he does now. If she disobeys the court order, ultimately she could lose custody of the child to her ex.

The law doesn't agree with you unfortunately - you seem to be thinking about this in terms of it being your ex 'stopping you' from moving when it's not, it's your child and their needs stopping you moving, and your child and their needs should come above your relationship with a new man.
When you say your child wants to move, how did you ask him?
Did you say 'would you like to move?'
Or did you ask him 'which would you prefer, moving to X, or staying here'

Because there is a difference. The second question means your son knows moving isn't the only option. Not many 11yr old children would actually want to move, most feel secure in the place they have always known.

Does your child know that moving could mean seeing less of their father?

I suspect he's not expressing a desire to move himself, you are saying 'would you be happy to move' and your child is saying yes because he knows its what you want to hear and kids like to please mum. No doubt you've also told him lots of wonderful things about moving.

Your ex may have been a dick to you but the fact is he's your child's father and your child has a regular relationship with him. Don't wreck that for another man. Wait a few more years