Daughter resists going into school each morning. AIBU to make her go in?

[Newbie887]

Daughter is 7, in Y2 of a very small infant school. Class size of 12, from what I can tell the school is very supportive, encouraging and like a big family.

She started off in Reception being one of the most confident children in her class. She is a Sept baby, so maybe it was just that…but she loved all the little performances / songs / read outs her class did in assemblies (parents go in to watch assemblies every few weeks) and her reception parents eves always talked about how she had strong friendships and was confident in class.

Since Y1, things have taken a turn. She started saying she didn’t want to go into school, she has been getting less and less confident about doing the performances. Today, she could barely say one line out loud in the assembly when in reception she was the one leading all the other children in the songs etc. Now she says she’s being left out by the other girls and doesn’t know who to play with. I am so sad looking at how her confidence has dipped. She is now saying every day that she doesn’t want to go to school, she wants to be at home with me and be homeschooled.

Have others found this with their girls? I can’t work out a reason for it and am wondering if it is normal as they age? I didn’t like school myself from around this age. In hindsight, my issue was that I am neurodiverse, however I can’t see that in her. I’m trying not to project and to stay positive about school, while still listening to her concerns. But I don’t know if it is reasonable for me to make her go to school every day when she is not happy.

It sounds like the school isn't a good fit for her. I would have looked to move her in year 1 personally but as it's an infant school she will naturally be moving soon and with only a term and a half left then there isn't much you can do. If shes having friendship issues I would be working with the teacher on this and supporting playdates outside of school.

YANBU she needs to be in school every day unless she's ill.

Ugh that sounds rotten for her. Sounds like she has something like 4 months left. Can she join the new school early?

She needs to go in every day. Arrange a proper meeting with the teacher asap to discuss the issues. A good teacher wants to know and will come up with some solutions that you support. Things can improve.

She's being bullied by exclusion.

I would start looking at other schools. Very small schools are often toxic because the social options are too limited and too easily controlled by one or two.

Edited to say: is she going to a separate junior school for y3? I'd still look for other options as the problem (being excluded) will likely just follow. Unless the juniors is much bigger.

You need to talk to the teacher and her and find out what they think are the issues - are the girls actually excluding her - is she struggling with work or just social skills do they have any suggestions on what could help.

Also look at outside groups - brownies - especially if none or not all the girls go to said groups - so she can regain some confidence.

We had a short term issue with DD1 - completely caused by classroom seating plan and a stubbon intransigent teacher - it got progessively worse to point it was awful forcing her in every morning. Once the problem was sorted - via HT - she was again happy to go in though was visibly more relaxed year later with new teacher.

We felt it was important to have her there unless ill but we really worried about effect on her but we've never had a problem since. She happy and settled at Uni now. Though at uni she has very late been diagonsed with inattentive ADHD and few other things.

Thanks for the replies. Sadly she can’t join the next school early as it’s a junior which runs Y3-Y6. It’s a big school, 3 form entry, which I was a bit concerned about but may be what she needs in terms of a bigger friendship pool. Her older brother is really happy there, whereas he also had his issues in the infant school.

I guess we just plough on and look forward to Sept. I will schedule a meeting with her teacher, although the school is so small that we talk most days anyway at the door, and the head teacher is aware of the confidence issue. Really hoping she regains confidence at the new school.

It does sound like this. The girls are her village best friends though, and she has play dates with them regularly where there don’t seem to be any real issues. They are quite bossy to her in the play dates and she more subservient / a people pleaser, so maybe this is being taken to the next level when they are in the playground. She is moving to the junior school with one of them. So I am a little concerned about this. I would prefer it to have been a move alone tbh, even though the first few weeks alone would have been tough

My kids go to a 3 form entry school and although I was worried about the size, I think it has huge advantages for managing friendships, giving the kids options for finding their tribe, and letting teachers mix up classes if a toxic dynamic forms. Hopefully she will be happier in the new school.

Could you mention to the new school that there have been social difficulties with the child moving with her and the dynamic is non ideal - they might be able to put them in different classes.

I'd stop any play dates where your DD is being bossed about.

Your response is quite notable - you're blaming her for being 'subservient' rather than blaming the bully.

Are you keen to have social relations with the family? I don't get it. Your DD is being bullied. That's why she's got quieter.

Protect her by removing her from these situations.

I'd perhaps try to move schools,.maybe to a bigger one. But she needs to go in, I think you are setting yourself up for a nightmare if you just let her opt out of going to school.

This is good, at least there's hope.

Request she is put into a form with NONE of the girls from infants, tell the school there was bullying and ask them to be vigilant.

Hopefully she'll recover if the bullying stops.

And stop calling it a confidence issue!

I would definitely look into extracurricular clubs that boost confidence scouts is a good option as it’s a mix of boys and girls and maybe she needs to expand her friendship group.

As a teacher, my advice would be either commit to home education or keep doing what you’re doing and chivvy her in (supportively) ever day. I’ve seen too many kids, over the last few years, gradually miss more and more lessons, then more and more days. Not a single one has ever got back into school.

I hope the move to juniors goes well and she can find her confidence again - so hard to watch our kids struggle, but if you let her not go in then you’re reinforcing that school is a problem.

A bigger school. Parents worry about it, but you have such limited options for friendships in smaller schools. Mine went to a 3 form entry and it was brilliant. A nurturing caring school but with a lot of energy. Kids can be so fluid with their friendships and can also be so mean. Having opportunities to make other friends is essential at school. Hopefully once she gets to the juniors school things will get better for her.

You need to actually talk to the staff about whether she is being left out. I do lunch duty and sometimes a teacher will check in about different friendship groups as a parent might say similar, yet I will see them with a group joining in, with them all playing together no issues. There might also be some where they are not left out but there are issues, and the group might have different children telling on others (won't let me play, shouted at me, doesn't want to play my game). Again lunch staff will generally keep an eye on these things and let the teacher know if any big concerns. We will also buddy children up if they come up to us and say they have no one to play with.

As a lot of people will say, year 1 is different to reception. In reception there is a lot more play which she might have enjoyed more, whereas year 1 they have to sit and listen and have more specific subject time and higher expectations.

Do talk to the teacher and go from there.

The exact same thing happened to my daughter at the same age/time, she is now diagnosed ASD & ADHD. I wouldn't rule it out as you say you are ND. Talking to the teacher to see what they see would be a starting point.

No advice but sending hugs, going through something similar with my daughter in year 1 and not sure what to do. Have been in to see her teacher a few times and tried to work on some strategies but every day she says she doesn’t want to go and I basically have to push her through the door. I have tried to focus on play dates and activities outside of school but so far not making much difference, it’s so hard to know what’s best.

Why? School in the UK is optional. It’s an opt-in service. You don’t legally have to send your child to school.

@op year one is often when cracks start to show. They go from play based lovely reception class to sitting down at a desk all day and being tested and trained up for passing tests and much more formal curriculum. For a lot of children it’s when the reality of school day-in-day-out hits.

I don’t see much benefit in trying to find a school for a term and a bit. She’ll barely have time to settle before there’s another move.

Might it help her if you were to ask the teacher if she could go in a few minutes earlier in the morning, to ‘help’ do some jobs before the others come in? I certainly think it’s worth having a conversation with the school about keeping an eye on the relationships in the class. Maybe she’d feel more confident if she had a class responsibility and that might be something that could be arranged.

I’m not blaming her for being subservient. We all have different personalities; her best friends are loud and forceful with their opinions and play ideas when they are over whereas she is more laid back and happy to go with whatever they want to do. I step in sometimes if it gets too much. My point was that perhaps in the playground there’s no one stepping in at that point and my daughter doesn’t have the confidence to put her foot down. But I don’t know…they are 7. This is just how 7 year olds are I think, I’m not sure it’s bullying as much as age appropriate boundary pushing / social skills practice. From what I’ve seen it happens at all play dates, between all different children. They aren’t calling her names or being unkind as such (as far as I’ve seen). So I’m not sure this is the reason for the unwillingness to go in each morning, but i have a meeting scheduled with her teacher and the head (who knows her better) next week so will see what they say.

I really like this idea and will put it to her teacher. Having some little jobs to do about the classroom may give her a boost and be good for her self esteem

Yes I did think that about the structure of y1 compared to reception. None of the other children in her class seem as affected by it as her though so I wonder why this is.

Hugs back, it’s so hard isn’t it. If I felt like she does going into work each day I would look for a new job so I feel bad pushing her in each day. At least mine will have a fresh start next yr so we can see if that helps…hope yours can too if things don’t improve. One thing we did last yr that she liked was I drew a heart on her palm and gave it a kiss in the morning before school. When she felt sad during the day she secretly looked at the heart and said it made her feel better. Maybe something to try, although doesn’t get to the root of the problem x