Daughter resists going into school each morning. AIBU to make her go in?

[Newbie887]

Daughter is 7, in Y2 of a very small infant school. Class size of 12, from what I can tell the school is very supportive, encouraging and like a big family.

She started off in Reception being one of the most confident children in her class. She is a Sept baby, so maybe it was just that…but she loved all the little performances / songs / read outs her class did in assemblies (parents go in to watch assemblies every few weeks) and her reception parents eves always talked about how she had strong friendships and was confident in class.

Since Y1, things have taken a turn. She started saying she didn’t want to go into school, she has been getting less and less confident about doing the performances. Today, she could barely say one line out loud in the assembly when in reception she was the one leading all the other children in the songs etc. Now she says she’s being left out by the other girls and doesn’t know who to play with. I am so sad looking at how her confidence has dipped. She is now saying every day that she doesn’t want to go to school, she wants to be at home with me and be homeschooled.

Have others found this with their girls? I can’t work out a reason for it and am wondering if it is normal as they age? I didn’t like school myself from around this age. In hindsight, my issue was that I am neurodiverse, however I can’t see that in her. I’m trying not to project and to stay positive about school, while still listening to her concerns. But I don’t know if it is reasonable for me to make her go to school every day when she is not happy.

Your daughter has to go to school. Don’t open the door to school refusal. It’s a very hard genie to put back into the bottle

Does she go to Brownies? Can be good for widening friendship groups and gaining confidence through different activities. If she goes to one nr the big junior school she’ll probably know some classmates when she starts from brownies.

You say you are at home. Is there an element of her thinking she’s missing out perhaps if you are doing nice things with a younger sibling.
If you are working at home does she understand that.

This is interesting. At what age did she get diagnosed? Did you / the teachers suspect from when she started in reception that a
she has ASD and ADHD? My daughter has two brothers who are awaiting assessment and are more obviously neurodiverse. I can’t see it so much with her, there are little things (lack of resilience, emotionally sensitive, problems toileting although this is being investigated as a spinal issue currently, but so far no physical abnormalities have been found) but they could just be personality rather than anything more. She is bright and may be masking as I did, but if so she is doing an exceptional job at it as I think I would be able to spot it…I was pretty quiet and keen to please at school (had meltdowns at home, which she doesn’t have) so went completely undetected

I’ve been meaning to look into Brownies. Will get back on it as agree it may be a good thing. She does a couple of after school sports clubs but everyone just turns up, does the sport, then goes home. Brownies would be more sociable

I’d have a meeting with the teacher and head, which I see you’ve arranged. At that meeting I’d be outlining the changes you see in her and asking them what they think is causing it before exploring any thoughts of your own. In my experience if you say “I think it might be X” the school will go along with it and you’ll never get to the bottom of it.

It may be ages struggling with more formal learning, there may be something in the classroom set up that doesn’t work for her, it may be early signs of neurodivergence or something entirely different. Does your DD see a difference in herself? How does she speak about school when everything is calm - what does she like/dislike?

Im also going to disagree with the prevailing opinion here - I absolutely refuse to send my child into school anxious and upset. It’s not the first time I’ve kept one of my kids home until I’ve been able to speak to the school and put a plan in place (and been very clear about why they are off). Oddly enough, once their attendance records are being impacted, school staff tend to find time to meet and put supports in place.

I work part time, remotely from home. She def likes being home with me and the dog when she is ill. I expect she imagines homeschooling to be like cosy sick days on the sofa with me where we do a bit of reading and not much else. So yes, you’re right, the idea of that is probably part of the problem

I didn’t like school myself from around this age. In hindsight, my issue was that I am neurodiverse, however I can’t see that in her.

It's likely she is ND as well even though she isn't displaying it the same way as you.

My DP as a ND sibling who got diagnosed in childhood there as DP got diagnosed as an adult. This is because the sibling was dysregulated and disruptive from toddlerhood. I then found out I have a friend who is also ND who has managed to deal with it by appearing very organised.

Of course she needs to be in school daily but you need to get to the bottom of the problem

https://www.girlguiding.org.uk/what-we-do/brownies/

I know what you mean about looking for a new job - and it reminds you that there is a choice if it’s not working. My daughters school is through to yr 6, quite a big 2 form entry, but if things don’t improve I would consider other options, but want to try everything with this school first. Similar to your daughter, she was so confident and social in nursery/reception and her confidence seems to be dipping over time. School don’t seem too concerned as she’s bright and does the school work fine, but there’s something about the environment or perhaps the social side she’s not enjoying, always saying she doesn’t want to go, her tummy hurts etc. we’ve tried the heart thing at various points and agree it can be effective! But a sticking plaster like you say.

yup absolutely this.

Yes, make her go in. She needs to learn that life isn't always a bed of roses. Sometimes people are mean. It's not nice but you can't shield her from absolutely everything or she'll grow up with no resilience whatsoever.

I'm fed up hearing about "school refusers". Be a parent and get your kid to school.

No-one would have known my dd was neurodiverse at that age. It took myself a while to realise. I wouldn't rule it out with her brothers being assessed.

Very gently OP - if you are ND it is highly likely that your daughter is too.

Your DD was me, sixty years ago.

I was diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago. Three of my four children are autistic.

Being bullied by exclusion is dreadful. It's so disheartening and distressing.

Sorry, I haven't got any advice, just sympathy - for you and for your lovely daughter.

I'm fed up hearing about "school refusers".
Be a parent and get your kid to school.

To read this post, you'd imagine that school refusal wasn't a real concept.
Posts like this really make me angry.

Oh it's a real concept. But it's mostly caused by enabling parents.
You're the adult. Get your kid to school.

The problem is, I was forced into school my entire childhood and after a while I just got on with it although I was stressed and miserable. I then burnt out after GCSEs, failed all my a levels, and ended up having severe panic attacks all through my 20s. I didn’t know how to say no or stop putting myself into situations I found overwhelming, because I hadn’t been listened to as a child. So while I want my child in school (because her school is brilliant and to me looks incredibly warm and enriching) I also don’t want her to end up like me. School refusal for many children isn’t laziness, and if you have raised a child who knows their boundaries enough to refuse school then you are doing a better job in some ways than my parents did

Thank you for your lovely message. I’m so sorry you had that experience. I would love to get my daughter assessed as well as my sons but I’m not sure the school would support that as there’s currently not enough “evidence” of it so to speak I don’t think. And private assessment is over £2k where I live. Maybe our finances will allow it in the future. I’m glad you got answers for your children x

Probably seen as old fashioned advice but she goes to school every day. Please don't let her see that it is upsetting you and before you make the quantum leap to move schools look at the positives , make a plan to include her ideas and give it a bit of time. She needs to have age appropriate input into this. Just a thought...if you move her and she doesn't settle in the long term then what do you do?

Ah I’m so sorry you’re “so fed up of school refusers”. Must be so draining for you.

Can’t imagine why so many children refuse school today either 🤨

Wow this thread! School ‘refusers’ and weak parents! Have none of you ever had a job you absolutely hated and left at the FIRST opportunity? Why would a child at school be so completely different?

To the poster who claimed they’d never known a child go from school ‘refuser’ to back into school full time, we’re over here! Two children, both now in very different settings (to original and each other) and 100% attendance. There are many of us, we hang out in ND groups.

To the posters who tell you to be a parent and get your child to school, please explain how? (Ready for when I have to get number 3 to go!). My middle would climb to the top of the climbing frame and just sit, not moving or speaking for half an hour. He was too big to get down. He’d kick and hit you. Ordinarily, and when not dysregulated, he is the most laid-back, kind and compliant child, there was just something about school. We could have got rid of the climbing frame I suppose, but that’s not dealing with the root cause. ‘Kids do well if they can…..’

To the OP, as the mother of two very obviously autistic but also very differently to each other son, and a daughter that struggles with life, history tends to repeat itself, if we let it. You were an expert female masker. To the outside world, my daughter is a normal 3 year old, but I’d place a lot of money on her also being autistic. And I think if you dug deeper you’d probably find the same with yours.

These children ‘excluding’ may just not know how to include her, if she struggles socially. The exclusion may not be at all deliberate, they just don’t know how.

Find your people. This mumsnet thread appears to be full of perfect parents, that haven’t had to experience the difficulties associated with ND children being crowbarred into an NT mainstream.

There will be fluctuations in how happy, confident and popular they are - there is always a little bit of a power struggle at this age, you will notice a lot of the chat is "I did this..." "Well I did this thing even better...." Their social skills are still developing and it isn't the most likeable age in a group setting.

There is a line to try and navigate where we listen to their concerns but we also add an adult perspective. A parent joining in with the drama and making their child feel like it is a terrible awful thing happening to them doesn't always help. Kids can also be more secure if a parent is less emotional and takes a "this too can pass," attitude whilst showing them the things they can control.

You are also projecting in a way that is unhelpful. You think you'd have been happier if you hadn't been made to go to school, but you haven't actually lived that version of your life. One that would include less school stress, but a lot more isolation. You're seeing only one side. You would be very unlikely to have the good things in your life as it is now, but it's much more likely your options would have been severely curtailed and your world made smaller and more difficult. It's like people with hard jobs dreaming of time off, when the reality of unemployment is something else altogether.

You say nothing about seeing friends outside school, the playdates and friends you have over and do activities with away from school, even if they are school friends. This is an important omission in two ways:

1. Having friends outside school stops a child seeing their whole identity in the context of the school dynamics, it gives them context
2. It enhances connections with school friends at an individual level

If you haven't been having people over or seeing them outside of school, then that explains the whole thing, as all the other children will have been. Can you see which of the girls (or boys, mixed sex friendships can be great at this age), on their own, DD gets on best with and nurture that friendship, rather than try to change the wider dynamics.

Thank you <3 it is indeed draining.