Daughter resists going into school each morning. AIBU to make her go in?

[Newbie887]

Daughter is 7, in Y2 of a very small infant school. Class size of 12, from what I can tell the school is very supportive, encouraging and like a big family.

She started off in Reception being one of the most confident children in her class. She is a Sept baby, so maybe it was just that…but she loved all the little performances / songs / read outs her class did in assemblies (parents go in to watch assemblies every few weeks) and her reception parents eves always talked about how she had strong friendships and was confident in class.

Since Y1, things have taken a turn. She started saying she didn’t want to go into school, she has been getting less and less confident about doing the performances. Today, she could barely say one line out loud in the assembly when in reception she was the one leading all the other children in the songs etc. Now she says she’s being left out by the other girls and doesn’t know who to play with. I am so sad looking at how her confidence has dipped. She is now saying every day that she doesn’t want to go to school, she wants to be at home with me and be homeschooled.

Have others found this with their girls? I can’t work out a reason for it and am wondering if it is normal as they age? I didn’t like school myself from around this age. In hindsight, my issue was that I am neurodiverse, however I can’t see that in her. I’m trying not to project and to stay positive about school, while still listening to her concerns. But I don’t know if it is reasonable for me to make her go to school every day when she is not happy.

I agree that it’s a hard genie to put back in the bottle but it’s for a good reason - once they start staying off school regularly, the DC (and their parents) then realise just how much happier their child is when not in a toxic/stressful environment. I’m currently home schooling my ND DC part time and they are actually super engaged and willing to learn. They go in 2-3 times a week (that’s as much as they can take of the school environment) and they don’t appear to be behind at all - all their grades are 7-9 (secondary). But the school needs to be on board of course, and many don’t like the idea of flexi schooling - I really had to push for this.

“and if you have raised a child who knows their boundaries enough to refuse school then you are doing a better job in some ways than my parents did“

That’s so true OP!!!

It's so hard, OP, I get it, but others won't. Mine was little miss confident, super outgoing and confident and loved performing. Come year 1 she was tearful about going in, year 2 her anxiety increased and the meltdowns were frequent, year 3 diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. No other symptoms we could see other than meltdowns and anxiety over school, but we learned fast that she was masking a lot.
Year 4 and she's supported, understood and a lot of strategies in place - she's a much happier little girl

Good luck, speak to your SENCO and other mums with kids with additional needs - anything you learn can be applied even if your child is NT and not ND

A friends DD had the same issue in a small village primary school. She just never quite clicked with the group of about 5 girls in the class. They were quite a toxic crowd from what I've heard from friend, and other parents in the class.

Unfortunately it's a bit the risk you take with a small school.

Did you read the whole thing? He was moved to a smaller unit for children with additional needs, and is now in secondary school in a specialist autism base and doing well.

He couldn't cope being around his peers because he was bullied for being different, for odd behaviours. When he was moved to a different environment, and work done to make him feel safe he started to engage again.

I don't know what will happen when he's an adult, if he'll be able to manage to live independently, our focus at the moment is to keep him attending school and keep things low demand at home - getting an education will give him more options, and the base does work around independent living skills. Hopefully we can start building on that at home.

What's he going to do when he grows up and enters the real world? Not get a job in case people look at him and need people to provide his own special workplace?

Only 22% of autistic people are in employment, actually. That's in comparison with 51% of all disabled people (who are in employment).

So stop sneering and try to find some compassion @saltandvineger

We're talking about a disabled child here, not a defiant, badly-behaved one who you think just needs a slap.

Most workplaces are unsuitable for people with autism.

I didnt think school was optional in the Uk? I thought you have to go

We had this with DS in year 2. It was so sad to see. DS was being bullied by exclusion by a group of his former friends. The kids were absolutely vile to him ( called him the servant in their games , made him do jobs or bring them gifts to be allowed to play and then told to go away again) and it did undermine his confidence in himself . I remember him telling me he was not good enough to be allowed to join him.
It took speaking to parents as well as school to fix over 6 months and was awful. It took years for him to recover emotionally. Please sort this asap .

Absolutely not saying this is what is happening here but your story reminded me so much of a lovely wee girl I taught in P1. Very confident, centre of everything, always the child to share her ideas, psrformed songs at show and tell every week, always got the "best" costume in the role play corner! And for a long time it was great. The other little ones (some were only 4) were happy to have someone to take charge. But over the year as their confidence grew, they started wanting those opportunities too and being so little, it was challenging for them all to navigate their changing social dynamics. She had to learn to allow others to get their own way sometimes and they had to learn the correct way to go about asking for a turn without being unkind. There were tears from all! She did become a school refuser for a while. By p3, she had made some really good friends, strangely with some of the most confident girls who are really kind but know how to advocate for themselves appropriately. She's a really happy girl now. As a teacher, I tried to be really fair to give others opportunities to shine but keep her on my radar so maybe someone else sang this week, but say "youve been waiting patiently with your hand up so next week it will be your turn. Lets write it down in the calendar". It was a learning curve for me too as I didnt want to shower her with loads of extra "privileges" as this would just shift the issue. I found buddying up classroom jobs good as two children could share the responsibility while learning to work together. I can still see her little smile when she and another child had sorted out the art trolley!

Ghost thread, I hope things are better now OP? I have been through this with my daughter, without the initial confidence.

Speak to teacher and find out the cause??
i think you are absolutely right to be sending her. Find the problem and fix it. You can’t just say ok don’t go in then - you have to find out what’s causing this and solve that. Your solution may end up being moving schools even but you cannot just stop sending her in! X

How has she even got the idea that staying at home and "being homeschooled" is an option? At 7 its an odd thing to be aware of unless you have a family member who is homeschooled.

How does she get on academically? My friend's daughter is a bit like yours but is right on the tip of the low end academically, where she is not quite weak enough to get support but struggles with the maths & reading more than peers. School is not enjoyable when you find it all hard.

Same here.

I have two kids with quite a big age gap. Me and them are all ND, youngest not diagnosed yet as he's an excellent little masker, same age as your DD.

I was diagnosed in my 40s.

My eldest very obviously ND and hated school, I sent him in everyday. Chivvied him through the door. I felt it was what you did. At one point I pulled him out during secondary until we found a new school, with temporary home edding in between.

I spent all his school years chivvying him in, and in constant advocacy trying to help school be less unpleasant for him.

If my youngest starts to find school hard.... I will be making different choices tbh.

Yes I agree things fluctuate and sometimes ebb and flow, eg one term they're not keen, the next they're fine. But if it's a long term issue then personally I'd homeschool this time around.

In your shoes I'd perhaps see how she gets on at the bigger school though and in the meantime see if the teacher can help boost her confidence with some jobs and support.

Of course you must ensure she is educated but it may be better to consider a different setting.

What does her form teacher say?