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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not be enjoying having two children?

81 replies

maggiepies · 06/03/2025 09:35

I can’t say I regret it exactly as obviously I love them very much as individuals but I hate spending time with them together. It’s stressful and noisy and draining.

Not helped by every single other person I know locally only having one! And their households and days out just seem so, so much calmer in contrast!

OP posts:
ginasevern · 06/03/2025 17:49

That's why I only had one child. More time for them and more time for me. No sibling rivalry and overall a much less complicated life.

Everydayimhuffling · 06/03/2025 17:57

My two are now 4 and 6 and it's brilliant, OP, although it was hard when they were little like yours. My good friend with 1 seems to be a constant playmate, whereas mine play together loads. I am often referee, but they play together beautifully the vast majority of the time. It'll get so lovely, OP.

Original poster
maggiepies · 06/03/2025 17:59

I’m hoping we’ll get to that point. There is a lot of fighting and squabbling over toys at the moment.

OP posts:
Cheersmedears123 · 06/03/2025 18:01

My friends who had two have all said they regret it and wouldn’t have done it if they could go back. I don’t think you’re alone, it sounds so tough. Their kids are 1 & 4 and 4 & 7 and they find it very hard. I imagine when they’re older it will be much easier.

MumonabikeE5 · 06/03/2025 18:05

I agree with you. I think I have two joyous and wonderful kids, so couldn’t choose which one not to have. But I think right now I wish I had one. I hope in adult hood- which is ultimately a much longer phase of life they will both be lovely and fun companions.
if they move away and visit 3 times a year I’d wonder why I bothered going through these years. Because the last 6 years of having two kids has been pretty intense and full of jealousy and competition and uncompromising and differing interests.

Caffeineneedednow · 06/03/2025 18:05

Mine are 6 months older then yours so 2 and half and just turned 5 and it is already alot easier then it was 6 months ago.

They are now happier to read the same stories, they both like football, my youngest can now do puzzles with help rather then just breaking. He likes building duplo with his brother. Myb5 o likes getting his brothers Cereal in the morning, they work together to set the table.

It is easier and I can now see a few years time where it will be easier.

As a pp said 2 years are just hard work.

Bryonyberries · 06/03/2025 18:07

I had a similar age gap between my eldest two and they are best of friends since they were primary school age and up (now adults and still close). It’s hard work now while they are little but could be worth it in a couple of years.

MumonabikeE5 · 06/03/2025 18:08

Showercap22 · 06/03/2025 16:26

Or because it's easier.

Show quote history

My friend who is an only child, with a happy relationship with her parents married an only child with a more complex relationship with his parents, and they both insisted on having two kids. That being an adult only child is intense. And I think that will be even more true given we have had our kids more than a decade later than our parents.

Original poster
maggiepies · 06/03/2025 18:08

Two and a half is a big turning point but it’s still a good ten months away. I think this is the issue; logically I recognise it is a very small window but also it feels like forever. Plus, will they ever stop fighting??

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 06/03/2025 18:09

One and Done is what many are choosing, I never wanted more than one because I liked a peaceful-ish life..DS needed a lot of exercise and if one had a second child who hated exercise it would have been a pain. {He's grown now} but one is definitely easier and has a lot to recommend it, especially as so many adult siblings don't get on, or are estranged.

Everydayimhuffling · 06/03/2025 18:13

Honestly I'm not sure they ever stop fighting (I still argue with my brother sometimes when we're together). BUT there's so much nice playing and working together and helping each other as well. The balance shifts and it's great.

tyish · 06/03/2025 18:16

Plus, will they ever stop fighting??

No, but they will get easier to bribe and separate.

justanotherimperfectmum2025 · 06/03/2025 18:17

Also seek advice from the Health Visitor, or contact your local council's family hub? Try to get out and do activities separately, like babies together, (up to 12 mo), or together, like stay and plays ( up to 5 yo)

justanotherimperfectmum2025 · 06/03/2025 18:17

You'll be able to meet other mum's with similar aged DC and can seek advice from them, what they do to get time alone

Springadorable · 06/03/2025 18:39

maggiepies · 06/03/2025 17:59

I’m hoping we’ll get to that point. There is a lot of fighting and squabbling over toys at the moment.

Mine turn 2 and 4 in May, so very similar ages to you. Lots of refereeing, but we're getting there now - my oldest asked my youngest if she was finished playing with a toy that was near her the other day rather than just grabbing it and knocking her over. Nearly choked on my sandwich in shock! Hopefully yours aren't far off either.

WimpoleHat · 06/03/2025 18:49

Just to reiterate what others have said - these are peak tricky ages when you have two. But give it a year and you will find that it gets easier and they will play together. And then give it another six months and you may well find it’s much easier having two; at that point, they can genuinely entertain each other and play proper games together. I remember the first time we were able to sit down with a drink, watching on as our two had fun together - and it’s genuinely lovely. And I know you can’t guarantee that siblings will get on, but if they do, the bond they have and the fun they have together is amazing. I can honestly say that watching the bond between my two has been a stand out highlight of motherhood. So hang in there. You have so much fun to come.

GravyBoatWars · 06/03/2025 18:54

As others have said, it goes in waves. I think you're at a really tough stretch where both are at very different stages and both are at very opinionated stages.

The oldest starting school in the fall will likely really help. In the meantime, is there room to stretch your budget to either add a half day each in nursery during different sessions or to stagger their current 3 nursery days so that they each get at least a morning or afternoon of special time per week? Alternatively (or in addition) if you and their dad are still together can you prioritize having some time with them split between you every weekend? Your older one is at the age where he can understand that being a regular thing to look forward to, but I think it might also really help you to have regular 1-1 time where you get to enjoy each child without feeling pulled in two, and those positive feelings will tend to have a good effect in how you and the DC respond to each other during the harder moments.

BruFord · 06/03/2025 19:12

MumonabikeE5 · 06/03/2025 18:05

I agree with you. I think I have two joyous and wonderful kids, so couldn’t choose which one not to have. But I think right now I wish I had one. I hope in adult hood- which is ultimately a much longer phase of life they will both be lovely and fun companions.
if they move away and visit 3 times a year I’d wonder why I bothered going through these years. Because the last 6 years of having two kids has been pretty intense and full of jealousy and competition and uncompromising and differing interests.

@MumonabikeE5 Honestly, you don’t feel like that. My DD (19) chose a university a 3.5 hour plane ride away ( she got into closer ones, but of course, that was the one she wanted 😂) and it really doesn’t bother us to only see her every few months as we know that she’s happy and doing well. It’s also nice having 1-to-1 time with DS now.

RhubarbCrumbs · 06/03/2025 19:31

You have my sympathy OP!

I only have one so can’t relate on a personal level, but I know quite a few people with two (or more!) who struggled at those ages. My SIL has two girls who are 9 and 12 and mostly fine now, but when they were younger it did look like hell at times. She was actually part of the reason I chose to stick with one to be honest 😅

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows though. I’m constantly reminded by people, purposely or not, that he might be lonely growing up / it’s better to have a sibling / how families aren’t complete until they’ve got at least two kids. My DH also wanted another, so I feel permanently guilty that I didn’t give that to him.

Things will get easier, and there are definitely pros and cons with any number of children in a family 🤍

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 07/03/2025 09:56

hugs OP

You do what you need to…

Mine are younger one is almost 3 and the other just turned 1 so my experience might be useless to you 😂

i now only do “morning things” with the kids so we are back home for 1 and nap time or we are driving and nap is in the car.
i don’t care if we miss out on random things held at 2pm they won’t remember anyway…

afternoons I do baking/cooking (oldest helps) crafts and we do imaginative play. Sometimes just sofa and Disney movie

what I also have started doing is to putting the kids on the “same team” so they play vs mummy and/or daddy
eg if we are doing ball games / playing with balloons / tidying etc. they have to “beat me” together. i found my older one really gets into this and likes helping my youngest.

I also get my oldest to “teach” the baby this seems to make her like him more 😅

SquirrelRed · 07/03/2025 10:15

I can definitely understand how you feel. Mine are 9 and 12 and it's still constant bickering and fighting and winding each other up. I went out with just one of them the other day which doesn't happen very often and it was just so easy and calm, it was amazing!
Of course I wouldn't change them for the world but I do think life would be so much easier with only 1 child

Mauro711 · 07/03/2025 14:39

maggiepies · 06/03/2025 18:08

Two and a half is a big turning point but it’s still a good ten months away. I think this is the issue; logically I recognise it is a very small window but also it feels like forever. Plus, will they ever stop fighting??

They will😅 Mine are 17 months apart and they fought a lot before they were both at an age where they could communicate well, so until they were around 4-5 I'd say. Then we had a nice calm 8-9 years before the stropiness kicked in but I mostly left them to it at that age. Now they are 19 and soon 21 and it's nice and calm again.

PassingStranger · 07/03/2025 21:06

maggiepies · 06/03/2025 17:21

I am sorry you can’t have children but this has nothing to do with me and is unfair to lay at my door.

This is not about you in the slightest; don’t make it so.

Show quote history

Post seems a little pointless though.

You did realise kids are hard work. You won't be the first or last person to struggle.

tyish · 07/03/2025 21:19

You did realise kids are hard work. You won't be the first or last person to struggle.

This sentence in itself is a contradiction. We know we are not the first or last person to struggle, and every parents knows it'll be hard work, hence looking for other parents for solidarity and support.

Happystrider1 · 07/03/2025 21:25

I've definitely found 1-2 harder than 0-1 without a doubt. Mine are nearly 4&6 and although much easier it is still difficult. They are absolutely completely different children. The eldest is academic, quiet and sensitive whereas the youngest is a whirlwind verbal diarrhoea interactive child. So finding a happy medium with them both is difficult.