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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not throw a birthday for 2nd child

64 replies

custardandpie · 06/03/2025 09:25

I have DD1 and DD2. Their birthdays are 4 weeks apart. The eldest had 2 big birthdays and one smallish with family. The DD2 is about to turn one very soon. We've had multiple dinner parties recently and eldest childs birthday within the last month.
Now little one is about to turn 1 and I'm worried that we have exhausted ourselves. We can't even set a date as everyone we know is busy this month. I really fancy going to a lush restaurant in London and having a little celebration there for her just as a family.
AIBU? Will she resent not having a big 1st birthday? Will she throw this back in my face? This child is a little more clingy than her sister and prefers quiet surroundings.

OP posts:
Ineedpeaceandquiet · 06/03/2025 09:27

First birthday is a biggie!

You have to do a celebration - not sure about going to a restaurant with a 1 year old though!

minipie · 06/03/2025 09:29

DC2 will neither know nor care whether you throw her a big party at the age of 1.

1st birthday parties are for the adults not the child. So if you don’t want to do one, don’t!

DappledThings · 06/03/2025 09:29

Ineedpeaceandquiet · 06/03/2025 09:27

First birthday is a biggie!

You have to do a celebration - not sure about going to a restaurant with a 1 year old though!

I think the total opposite. Child has no idea and is not going to care in years to come.

We didn't really do anything for first birthdays. Had a bit of cake at home with grandparents I think.

BodyKeepingScore · 06/03/2025 09:30

Do you remember your first birthday? No one I know does, including my own children. Why would a 1 year old be resentful about not having a party. Parties at that age are more about the parents than the child.

If you'd prefer to celebrate with a family meal at a nice restaurant then do it. This is such a non issue I can't even tell you.

BodyKeepingScore · 06/03/2025 09:30

Ineedpeaceandquiet · 06/03/2025 09:27

First birthday is a biggie!

You have to do a celebration - not sure about going to a restaurant with a 1 year old though!

Do you remember yours?

KarmenPQZ · 06/03/2025 09:31

I think you need to do something. For DD1 rather than 2… to help her learn that her little sister gets a birthday and it’s not all about her. It’s a very hard lesson to learn so will be better to start small ish this year as other years but will be bigger

Cadenza12 · 06/03/2025 09:31

Tea and cake will be fine. Invite everyone who may want to come and if they can't make it then so be it. She won't resent you.

mindutopia · 06/03/2025 09:31

I would just do a little family tea at home with a cake and some party food suitable for a 1 year old. If any family want to pop round, great. It’s more to get your older one used to the fact that we celebrate both birthdays. Mine are 9 days apart 😩 so I feel the pain. 2nd one only had cake at home with us before 4.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 06/03/2025 09:32

What would a one year old get out of a 'lush restaurant in London'?

CorrectionCentre · 06/03/2025 09:32

Well a one year old won't resent you because they have no concept of birthdays. But the photos will tell the story when she is older and looks back.
The idea of taking 2 very young children to a "lush" London restaurant is really odd to me. And very clearly not focused on your DD2.
It does feel a bit sad that dates and plans for other events have been made, but nothing in the diary for family to celebrate her 1st birthday as you clearly did for dd1

Favouritefruits · 06/03/2025 09:33

Nah definitely don’t do a party if you don’t want one, but does you DD aged 1 really want to go to a ‘lush London restaurant’? Just do something simple a swim at the local baths and a nice cake at home.

SummerHouse · 06/03/2025 09:34

I can't remember my own babies 1st birthdays. There's really no need to do anything unless it's something you want to do.

Lostworlds · 06/03/2025 09:34

We are the exact same! Multiple birthdays within the same month and 3 weeks between dd and ds. It’s ds birthday in the next couple of weeks and we ar whist having family over for some birthday cakes. Not doing a bit extravagant thing as it’s more for us than the nearly 1 year old but I feel guilty not marking it in some way.

we are also doing it so my 3 year old understands about celebrating other birthdays and not getting presents on a sibling birthday.

Do what’s right for you, a lovely restaurant will be nice but maybe not the best place for a 1 year old.

Fagli · 06/03/2025 09:34

Ineedpeaceandquiet · 06/03/2025 09:27

First birthday is a biggie!

You have to do a celebration - not sure about going to a restaurant with a 1 year old though!

Only for the parents!! The child won’t remember.

Id definitely go for a nice meal out, we often take ours that age out places like that. The first birthday is definitely a celebration for you and all the hard you’ve done this past year, treat yourselves!!

FeistyFrankie · 06/03/2025 09:34

While she might not remember, are you sure you're not just making excuses because you can't be bothered? Is this part of a wider pattern of favouritism between them?

You'll always have this issue with their birthdays but that doesn't mean it's OK to make a big fuss about one and then not bother with the other. What kind of message will that send to DD2 if this becomes a pattern?

Sharptonguedwoman · 06/03/2025 09:34

No one remembers their first birthday. I'd do what you want and take a nice picture of child/cake/candle as a memento. If she asks later, you can say you went for a lovely lunch. Here's a picture.....
My DD has shown no interest in her first birthday party at all btw.

macaroniandcheeze · 06/03/2025 09:36

First birthday parties are for the parents not the child

batsandeggs · 06/03/2025 09:37

I don’t think parties, especially when they are one, are a big deal. However, it’s your reasoning for it that is poor - essentially, we’ve exhausted ourselves with events including an event for DD1 so not going to bother for DD2. If that’s the approach you’ll take in future, when life is as hectic, then yes that would be unreasonable. At this age she’s too young to understand and it is more for the adults, so no biggie. But I’d just be cautious of the reasoning and what’s driving your decision making and I would 100% to a little tea party at home for yourselves and whoever else might attend. Why take your one year old to a “lush London restaurant” if they prefer quiet surroundings anyway? Think about your child, not yourself.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/03/2025 09:37

Have a party at home with a few close friends/relatives and a nice cake.

Your child won't remember their 1st birthday but as they get older they might wonder why there are photos of their older sibling's 1st birthday and not theirs.

As time goes by you will need to find the energy to celebrate your second child's birthday as much as you celebrate your first child's. So try not to over exert yourselves with your first child's birthday each time.

Quercus3 · 06/03/2025 09:37

We just did a national trust day out for our 2nd child's 1st birthday, told family the date and said anyone who wanted to join was welcome. Took a cake to mark it as not a standard day out, mostly for the benefit of our older child to see we were celebrating DC2 too. Same reason he got a stocking for his first Christmas, otherwise I probably wouldn't have bothered 😂

We didn't do anything for my first daughter's first birthday, she was shy and wouldn't have loved it. She ended up being ill on the day too so it was definitely for the best!

Vaxtable · 06/03/2025 09:38

She won’t notice at 1. But will at 2 onwards. Why through in effect three parties for one child and none for the second?

next year throw one party for each

Spondoolies · 06/03/2025 09:41

No don’t bother, a cake at home and some balloons will be enough

PurpleHiker · 06/03/2025 09:41

Obviously a child won't remember their first birthday, it's the photos of the celebration when they're looking back that matter. I think it's important to go to equal effort for all children. Like another pp said, it's important also for the elder one to see the younger sibling as an equal and just as much fuss made about them, otherwise the older one will get a superiority complex, and the younger one will get resentful over time.

Growlybear83 · 06/03/2025 09:43

I think first and second birthdays are completely pointless - the children won't understand what is going on and will never remember them. Birthday celebrations at that age are just for parents, not the children.

Icecreamandcoffee · 06/03/2025 09:46

The 1 year old won't know any better but I agree with the PP that in years to come the photos tell a story. I think a little cake and get together at home would be fine. I also agree that it is important for the older one to also realise that DC2 also has a birthday and it's not all about her.

In some ways I do feel for 2nd children as the 1st often gets a big 1st birthday party and then you realise it's more for the adults than the kids so with the 2nd you don't go to as much trouble.

I know a set of siblings where there is resentment over treatment re birthdays but that is tied into a whole lot of wider family dynamics and a lot of unresolved siblings rivalry and not just because her big sister had a 1st birthday party and she didn't.

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