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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not know WHAT to do [inheritance related]

100 replies

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:22

My Nanna (91) passed away in October 2024. She had been married to my step-grandad (89) since the late ‘80s after her first marriage. Both my mother and uncle (her children) are deceased, leaving only my two siblings and me as her closest family. My step-grandad has been estranged from his own children for decades, so we’ve essentially been his only family for over 30 years.

He has a long history of infidelity before they were married, though he and my Nanna appeared to love each other. In her later years, as her mobility declined, he would frequently take long trips away, claiming to visit a "godson" no one had ever met. He’d disappear on weekends, leaving her to be cared for by neighbors and local carers, only returning days later. We’d often find out after worried neighbors called, saying she’d been left alone between care visits.

Two years ago, I accidentally received a romantic text from him meant for someone else (we share the same first initial). That’s when I realised he had been seeing another woman. I was disgusted, but I chose to focus on supporting my Nanna—I couldn’t bring myself to tell a frail old woman that her husband was cheating.

After she passed, my step-grandad played the grieving widow, insisting on being the last person in the crematorium and soaking up all the attention. But by Boxing Day 2024—barely two months later—he had moved this woman into their home. I found out from neighbours who saw a van unloading her furniture and belongings.

She is 21 years younger, has left behind her three children and six grandchildren, and previously lived in a housing association home over three hours away. They met 7 years ago at a reunion. In their small, close-knit community, my step-grandad introduced her as his "carer," but the neighbors figured out the truth quickly. So now, a stranger is living in my Nanna’s home, less than six months after her death.

Since my Nanna and step-grandad had a joint will, he inherited everything—the house, pensions, and savings. My Nanna’s only specific request was that I receive her jewellery.

When I heard about him moving her in, I asked to meet them. I wanted to get a better sense of the situation, meet this woman, and discuss the rest of my Nanna’s belongings—including the will. My Nanna and step-grandad had always intended for my siblings and me to inherit. Their joint will stated that after both their deaths, everything would pass to us. For years, I was even named as executor.

At the meeting, my step-grandad showed up with six boxes of my Nanna’s belongings- family photos, wedding pictures, and anything that had been hers—making it clear he was starting fresh.

Then, they dropped a bombshell: they are getting married—less than six months after my Nanna’s death. They even handed me an invite, which we immediately declined.

I asked about the will and how inheritance would now work since marriage invalidates any previous wills. My step-grandad avoided eye contact, got incredibly shifty, and said he "told" his new wife-to-be to leave us half the house after she dies. But there’s zero legal guarantee of this. Realistically, everything will now go to her, and we will be left with nothing—all dependent on the goodwill of a woman who had no problem moving into my Nanna’s home just months after she died.

I am devastated. My Nanna worked hard for that home and everything in it, and now a complete stranger is benefiting from it while we get nothing. Legally, we have no claim, but morally, this feels so wrong.

I guess I’m asking: what do I do? Do I keep a civil relationship in hopes of securing some kind of inheritance in the future, or do I just walk away?

OP posts:
LastHeraldMage · 05/03/2025 17:25

What's more important?

You relationship with your step grandfather or the money?

He can easily make a will now to leave his (her) estate to whoever he wants to.

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:28

LastHeraldMage · 05/03/2025 17:25

What's more important?

You relationship with your step grandfather or the money?

He can easily make a will now to leave his (her) estate to whoever he wants to.

I don't really want a relationship with him. He would leave his frail 91 year old wife of 30+ years in a chair alone, knowing her only chance of having a cup of tea, or help to the toilet was a carer coming in three times a day. She'd be left alone in the dark unable to turn on a light because he was too busy off with another woman.

I don't want a relationship with him, but I do want to safeguard any possibility of inheritance.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 05/03/2025 17:29

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:28

I don't really want a relationship with him. He would leave his frail 91 year old wife of 30+ years in a chair alone, knowing her only chance of having a cup of tea, or help to the toilet was a carer coming in three times a day. She'd be left alone in the dark unable to turn on a light because he was too busy off with another woman.

I don't want a relationship with him, but I do want to safeguard any possibility of inheritance.

That’s not something you can do I’m afraid. He could make a new will upon his marriage to leave the house to you but give his new wife the right to live in it til she dies. But he could also leave it all to the cats home.

Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:29

Nothing you can do but admire (even if he is a selfish old goat) the sheer tenacity of a man who is nearly 90 still living his life to the full.

Inheritance is never guaranteed. Personally I never think about it myself and find it abhorrent in others that do.

Dollydaydream100 · 05/03/2025 17:30

Gosh, what a twat.

I wouldn't want a relationship with him. I've no advice as legally I'm not sure you'd have a leg to stand on if he leaves everything to his new wife.

Horrible situation.

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2025 17:30

I think you need legal advice, but i think the lack of a will means this scammer (no messing) is likely to get everything in your dear nans estate...

Ohshutupdavidyoutwat · 05/03/2025 17:32

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2025 17:30

I think you need legal advice, but i think the lack of a will means this scammer (no messing) is likely to get everything in your dear nans estate...

There is a will.

workshy46 · 05/03/2025 17:32

You can kiss it goodbye, I have seen this happen so any times. Maybe if you were his biological children you might have a chance but once he marries her , the will is invalidated and she will leave anything to her children not you. Even if she agreed to it there is no way she will in practice. You need to accept this I' afraid

newkettleandtoaster · 05/03/2025 17:32

It's awful.

But unfortunately there's not much you can do it. Unless he dies before the wedding.

It would have been good to have drawn up some life rents trusts when your nanna was still alive. At this stage it's too late.

I can't really think of a solution. I'm really sorry.

Eyesopenwideawake · 05/03/2025 17:32

I don't want a relationship with him, but I do want to safeguard any possibility of inheritance

You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:32

Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:29

Nothing you can do but admire (even if he is a selfish old goat) the sheer tenacity of a man who is nearly 90 still living his life to the full.

Inheritance is never guaranteed. Personally I never think about it myself and find it abhorrent in others that do.

Edited

Surely it's more the absolute gall of a man cheating on his wife and leading a double life at the age of 90.

I think the inheritance piece is more about the fact that my Nanna worked so hard for years to create a stable life. She lost her children tragically, and she was proud to be able to leave a legacy for her grandchildren. It feels so sad thats been robbed.

OP posts:
Ohshutupdavidyoutwat · 05/03/2025 17:33

Sorry op but it all sounds really grabby on your part. Ultimately your Nanna is at fault her for not protecting her part of the assets, he is now free to do as he pleases.

Ohshutupdavidyoutwat · 05/03/2025 17:35

She lost her children tragically, and she was proud to be able to leave a legacy for her grandchildren. It feels so sad thats been robbed.

I don't understand why she didn't ring fence this then? This situation happens often and there is nothing you can do, it passed to him on her death thus it is his to do as he pleases not matter what she would have wanted.

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:35

Ohshutupdavidyoutwat · 05/03/2025 17:33

Sorry op but it all sounds really grabby on your part. Ultimately your Nanna is at fault her for not protecting her part of the assets, he is now free to do as he pleases.

I can definitely see how it sounds grabby. I recognise that.

I would probably feel differently if my step-grandad was using this money to live his life in her memory. Not fund a new wife, who he moved in precisely 8 weeks after his wife of 30 years died.

And ironically its really small sums, it's just the principle of it that I can't reconcile with

OP posts:
HenDoNot · 05/03/2025 17:35

Your Nanna is to blame for this unfortunately. It’s highly unlikely you’re going to get any inheritance now no matter how nice you are to her widower, and the only person at fault for this is your Nanna.

Ohshutupdavidyoutwat · 05/03/2025 17:37

I get it I really do. My lovely SIL lost her DM who was only in her early 50s when she passed, she had remarried and he took everything. He married again in less than a year living off her assets and SIL got nowt not even the journals her Mum wrote. It must sting but legally he is not doing anything wrong.

BananaSpanner · 05/03/2025 17:38

Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:29

Nothing you can do but admire (even if he is a selfish old goat) the sheer tenacity of a man who is nearly 90 still living his life to the full.

Inheritance is never guaranteed. Personally I never think about it myself and find it abhorrent in others that do.

Edited

Less of the sanctimony. Of course there are moral quandaries surrounding inheritance, particularly when second marriages come into play. This new/affair woman’s children are likely to inherit a significant portion of OPs nan’s estate.

OP, take legal advice but short of appeal to his better nature, I’m not sure there’s much you can do.

Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:39

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:32

Surely it's more the absolute gall of a man cheating on his wife and leading a double life at the age of 90.

I think the inheritance piece is more about the fact that my Nanna worked so hard for years to create a stable life. She lost her children tragically, and she was proud to be able to leave a legacy for her grandchildren. It feels so sad thats been robbed.

This doesn’t change the facts though. Your Nana left everything to him.

GetDressedYouMerryGentlemen · 05/03/2025 17:39

Is there any chance that your Nanna left a different will? If so have you seen it? Or have you taken his word for it what it says?

CorrectionCentre · 05/03/2025 17:40

There is nothing you can do.
There's no such thing as a "shared will". It can't be written anywhere that after both deaths everything goes to you and your siblings. I don't doubt that's what your grandmother wanted, but she needed to have written a will bequeathing directly to you all, not via the goodwill of her husband.
He's a dick. And she would have no morals inheriting from him. If he dies without changing his will and before he marries her, you're OK. But a marriage nullifies all previous wills. And he's at liberty to change his will and leave the money to whoever he chooses.

Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:41

BananaSpanner · 05/03/2025 17:38

Less of the sanctimony. Of course there are moral quandaries surrounding inheritance, particularly when second marriages come into play. This new/affair woman’s children are likely to inherit a significant portion of OPs nan’s estate.

OP, take legal advice but short of appeal to his better nature, I’m not sure there’s much you can do.

It’s not sanctimony it’s fact! A will trumps morality. Morality is subjective as this post highlights.

How helpful is your sanctimonious advice to OP when you end it with appeal to his better nature? What are you encouraging her to do? Sanctimony goes both ways you know!

Someone might view a grown woman hounding a 90 year old man for whatever’s left in his estate as morally dubious. Some people actually view any inheritance as morally dubious!!

Dollydaydream100 · 05/03/2025 17:44

But unfortunately there's not much you can do it. Unless he dies before the wedding.

Hmmm..🤔

😂😂😂

CheesePlantBoxes · 05/03/2025 17:44

Maintain the relationship and hope he dies second.

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:44

CorrectionCentre · 05/03/2025 17:40

There is nothing you can do.
There's no such thing as a "shared will". It can't be written anywhere that after both deaths everything goes to you and your siblings. I don't doubt that's what your grandmother wanted, but she needed to have written a will bequeathing directly to you all, not via the goodwill of her husband.
He's a dick. And she would have no morals inheriting from him. If he dies without changing his will and before he marries her, you're OK. But a marriage nullifies all previous wills. And he's at liberty to change his will and leave the money to whoever he chooses.

Edited

Sorry poorly explained. A marital will- she dies first, all goes to him. He dies first, all goes to her. On both of their deaths, then all to us.

It was not her intention writing the will, I believe, that he would have met someone else. But she should have made better provisions, but there's so much trust in a marriage. And he was onboard with leaving it ALL to us- it was his will too!

OP posts:
Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:47

I can’t believe you are wasting time on something that is so clear and you have no grounds to appeal.

You have made it clear you want nothing more to do with him. Live your life.