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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not know WHAT to do [inheritance related]

100 replies

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:22

My Nanna (91) passed away in October 2024. She had been married to my step-grandad (89) since the late ‘80s after her first marriage. Both my mother and uncle (her children) are deceased, leaving only my two siblings and me as her closest family. My step-grandad has been estranged from his own children for decades, so we’ve essentially been his only family for over 30 years.

He has a long history of infidelity before they were married, though he and my Nanna appeared to love each other. In her later years, as her mobility declined, he would frequently take long trips away, claiming to visit a "godson" no one had ever met. He’d disappear on weekends, leaving her to be cared for by neighbors and local carers, only returning days later. We’d often find out after worried neighbors called, saying she’d been left alone between care visits.

Two years ago, I accidentally received a romantic text from him meant for someone else (we share the same first initial). That’s when I realised he had been seeing another woman. I was disgusted, but I chose to focus on supporting my Nanna—I couldn’t bring myself to tell a frail old woman that her husband was cheating.

After she passed, my step-grandad played the grieving widow, insisting on being the last person in the crematorium and soaking up all the attention. But by Boxing Day 2024—barely two months later—he had moved this woman into their home. I found out from neighbours who saw a van unloading her furniture and belongings.

She is 21 years younger, has left behind her three children and six grandchildren, and previously lived in a housing association home over three hours away. They met 7 years ago at a reunion. In their small, close-knit community, my step-grandad introduced her as his "carer," but the neighbors figured out the truth quickly. So now, a stranger is living in my Nanna’s home, less than six months after her death.

Since my Nanna and step-grandad had a joint will, he inherited everything—the house, pensions, and savings. My Nanna’s only specific request was that I receive her jewellery.

When I heard about him moving her in, I asked to meet them. I wanted to get a better sense of the situation, meet this woman, and discuss the rest of my Nanna’s belongings—including the will. My Nanna and step-grandad had always intended for my siblings and me to inherit. Their joint will stated that after both their deaths, everything would pass to us. For years, I was even named as executor.

At the meeting, my step-grandad showed up with six boxes of my Nanna’s belongings- family photos, wedding pictures, and anything that had been hers—making it clear he was starting fresh.

Then, they dropped a bombshell: they are getting married—less than six months after my Nanna’s death. They even handed me an invite, which we immediately declined.

I asked about the will and how inheritance would now work since marriage invalidates any previous wills. My step-grandad avoided eye contact, got incredibly shifty, and said he "told" his new wife-to-be to leave us half the house after she dies. But there’s zero legal guarantee of this. Realistically, everything will now go to her, and we will be left with nothing—all dependent on the goodwill of a woman who had no problem moving into my Nanna’s home just months after she died.

I am devastated. My Nanna worked hard for that home and everything in it, and now a complete stranger is benefiting from it while we get nothing. Legally, we have no claim, but morally, this feels so wrong.

I guess I’m asking: what do I do? Do I keep a civil relationship in hopes of securing some kind of inheritance in the future, or do I just walk away?

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 05/03/2025 17:48

my parents are going through this with my DGM's estate. she had remarried my step-DGF, and inherited everything of his when he died.

his DCs were caught unawares by this, and have tried to contest the will.

my parents and uncle have agreed that they should get something (they already received his pension), but this is something they have decided to do, rather than something they had to do legally.

proper estate planning is so important - particularly for blended families!

BananaSpanner · 05/03/2025 17:49

Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:41

It’s not sanctimony it’s fact! A will trumps morality. Morality is subjective as this post highlights.

How helpful is your sanctimonious advice to OP when you end it with appeal to his better nature? What are you encouraging her to do? Sanctimony goes both ways you know!

Someone might view a grown woman hounding a 90 year old man for whatever’s left in his estate as morally dubious. Some people actually view any inheritance as morally dubious!!

Edited

The only advice I gave her to was to take legal advice. I’ve clearly touched a nerve though. You can go back to being above ever thinking about inheritance and the issues around it. I’m sure you’d be totally happy if this situation ever happened to you (of course you will say you would be).

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:51

Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:47

I can’t believe you are wasting time on something that is so clear and you have no grounds to appeal.

You have made it clear you want nothing more to do with him. Live your life.

Edited

I have done nothing formally on this. I'm not wasting any time. I know I have no grounds to appeal- otherwise I would have gone down this avenue.

OP posts:
Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:52

BananaSpanner · 05/03/2025 17:49

The only advice I gave her to was to take legal advice. I’ve clearly touched a nerve though. You can go back to being above ever thinking about inheritance and the issues around it. I’m sure you’d be totally happy if this situation ever happened to you (of course you will say you would be).

Have you read your post you literally say appeal to his good nature! This is after OP said she wanted nothing more to do with him. Manipulation at its best.

BTW you don’t know me so have no idea how I would react.

You are sanctimonious personified!

BananaSpanner · 05/03/2025 17:53

Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:52

Have you read your post you literally say appeal to his good nature! This is after OP said she wanted nothing more to do with him. Manipulation at its best.

BTW you don’t know me so have no idea how I would react.

You are sanctimonious personified!

Edited

Calm down 😂

DoYouReally · 05/03/2025 17:53

The only will anyone can control is their own.

Unfortunately, there is very little education around the importance of it and the protection of wishes against a variety of undesirable outcomes.

Even when solicitors try to educate people, a lot of people think "my Keith wouldn't marry again so soon after my death etc".

You don't have any redress here. Selfish people don't care about morals - they usually don't have any.

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:53

DoYouReally · 05/03/2025 17:53

The only will anyone can control is their own.

Unfortunately, there is very little education around the importance of it and the protection of wishes against a variety of undesirable outcomes.

Even when solicitors try to educate people, a lot of people think "my Keith wouldn't marry again so soon after my death etc".

You don't have any redress here. Selfish people don't care about morals - they usually don't have any.

THIS. Thank you

OP posts:
Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:54

BananaSpanner · 05/03/2025 17:53

Calm down 😂

I’m calm just amused that you have no recollection what you advised OP to do 😂 Appeal to the old goats good nature creepy or what! What lengths would you go to go get your hands on an inheritance 🤣

InveterateWineDrinker · 05/03/2025 17:55

First, check your Nanna's actual Will, the one that's being used for Probate.

It may be that there were 'mirror' Wills, in which case you're screwed, but it's bollocks that they had a 'joint' one as you've described.

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:56

InveterateWineDrinker · 05/03/2025 17:55

First, check your Nanna's actual Will, the one that's being used for Probate.

It may be that there were 'mirror' Wills, in which case you're screwed, but it's bollocks that they had a 'joint' one as you've described.

Yes mirror is the right term- apologies, it wasn't joint!

OP posts:
Lucienandjean · 05/03/2025 17:58

Almost exactly this happened to my dad. His mother died in her sixties and his father remarried shortly afterwards. His new wife outlived him and when she eventually died, she left everything to her own children. Everything that had belonged to my grandparents, ended up with her children.

They promptly threw away all the personal stuff, because it meant nothing to them. My dad and his sister had no family photos or mementos. Literally nothing from their family home. Of course they also lost out on a share of the inheritance, but I think it was the personal stuff that hurt the most. They both tried to appeal to my step-grandmother's children, to hand over some photos at least, but they just got a big fat shrug in reply.

My dad had just one photo of his mother, which he took himself on a holiday. All the rest of his life, my dad kept that photo on display, and I now have it. I never met my grandmother and this is the only connection I have with her.

My will is written so that my children and grandchildren will inherit my personal items. It's harder to leave them money / house when my dh may need that, but I've said I'll come and haunt him if he ever lets a similar thing happen in our family. 👻

I honestly think the only thing the OP can do is try to rise above it. It's heart-breaking but you can be the bigger person.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/03/2025 17:59

There is no inheritance for you here.
It literally doesn't exist.
He inherited.
It's now just his.
To do with as he pleases.
Rightly or wrongly that's how it is. There's no point saying to yourself you have an inheritance out there so how can you get your hands on it because you don't and you can't.

Walk away from him. That's all you can do.

Did her will state you were to have her jewellery? If so then that you can fight for.

sandyhappypeople · 05/03/2025 18:01

Just walk away, there's nothing you can do.

If your nanna really intended for you to have something on her death she would have specified that in her will, she didn't and he obviously doesn't give two hoots, you've known about his cheating for a while now so did you really expect him to do the right thing by his wife after her death?

I'm not sure why people promise things but then do the opposite in their wills? She has left all of it to him, he is free to do whatever he likes with it now.

Belaymehearties · 05/03/2025 18:01

Any new marriage will invalidate the old will anyway (depending on which country he lives in). He sounds a horror and if she's that much younger she'll probably inherit the lot if he dies before her I'm afraid. He was obviously mollifying you by giving you the family photos. We had very similar happen in our wider family.

user9632579 · 05/03/2025 18:06

Did you not assist her once you found out she was being left alone?

I would just forget about the money, that shouldn't be and shouldn't have been your focus iih.

BananaSpanner · 05/03/2025 18:07

Totototo · 05/03/2025 17:54

I’m calm just amused that you have no recollection what you advised OP to do 😂 Appeal to the old goats good nature creepy or what! What lengths would you go to go get your hands on an inheritance 🤣

Edited

I’ve already inherited a large amount but I’d rather have my mum still around.

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 18:12

user9632579 · 05/03/2025 18:06

Did you not assist her once you found out she was being left alone?

I would just forget about the money, that shouldn't be and shouldn't have been your focus iih.

Yes- we were never told what he was doing. He'd leave on a Friday and not return to Monday. If I called she never told me. It was only when the neighbours realised he was driving off and was away from days on end that they called me and I intervened. And still he refused to admit he was not seeing his mythical "godson"

OP posts:
user9632579 · 05/03/2025 18:17

Yes- we were never told what he was doing. He'd leave on a Friday and not return to Monday. If I called she never told me. It was only when the neighbours realised he was driving off and was away from days on end that they called me and I intervened. And still he refused to admit he was not seeing his mythical "godson"

Then that's what I would focus on.

You cared for her. That's the most important thing you could do.

AnneElliott · 05/03/2025 18:21

Ohshutupdavidyoutwat · 05/03/2025 17:37

I get it I really do. My lovely SIL lost her DM who was only in her early 50s when she passed, she had remarried and he took everything. He married again in less than a year living off her assets and SIL got nowt not even the journals her Mum wrote. It must sting but legally he is not doing anything wrong.

That is so hard. I know the money is one thing but personal sentimental items from her own mother should absolutely go to your SIL.

People do though need to realise that there's no such thing as a joint will. What they mean are mirror wills (we have them) but the survivor can change them after the first person has died and a new marriage would invalidate it anyway.

Popfull · 05/03/2025 18:23

Whether or not you keep a civil relationship with him is irrelevant

sadly, you won’t be getting a dime

Ang69 · 05/03/2025 18:24

Sorry OP, I'm an estate planner and see this all the time. Your nanna should have left her share in trust giving him a right to reside. They should have severed the tenancy to become tenants in common and held any joint assets in their sole names. That way the assets in her name would be safeguarded in the trust. As it stands, his will will be revoked when they marry (assuming they are in England). If they are in Scotland then marriage will not revoke his will and you would be entitled to legal rights meaning you could claim a percentage of your nanna's moveable estate.

If you can talk to him then you can ask him to please respect your nanna's wishes. He could write a will now leaving his assets to a trust to ensure he looks after his new wife whilst protecting some for you and your siblings. He would need to have an 'anticipation of marriage' clause so his will wouldn't be revoked.

I personally think this ship has sailed though. He has no morals and only thought of his own needs, even at 90!! She sounds like a good match for him so why should she care? It will unfortunately all who to who she wants if there is anything left at all.

The only other thing is, does he have capacity? You need to have mental capacity to make a valid will. There would be grounds to contest if you could prove that or that he is being coerced. Very difficult to prove though.

Popfull · 05/03/2025 18:24

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 18:12

Yes- we were never told what he was doing. He'd leave on a Friday and not return to Monday. If I called she never told me. It was only when the neighbours realised he was driving off and was away from days on end that they called me and I intervened. And still he refused to admit he was not seeing his mythical "godson"

How often did you visit?

BIossomtoes · 05/03/2025 18:24

workshy46 · 05/03/2025 17:32

You can kiss it goodbye, I have seen this happen so any times. Maybe if you were his biological children you might have a chance but once he marries her , the will is invalidated and she will leave anything to her children not you. Even if she agreed to it there is no way she will in practice. You need to accept this I' afraid

This. My bloke’s family was disinherited in the exact same circumstances. The second wife left the lot to a niece she’d never even met.

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 18:27

Popfull · 05/03/2025 18:24

How often did you visit?

As often as we could- once a month or more, it was a 6 hour round trip but between me and siblings we were there on a very regular basis- his weekend trips never coincided with out visits though funnily enough!

OP posts:
Popfull · 05/03/2025 18:30

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 18:27

As often as we could- once a month or more, it was a 6 hour round trip but between me and siblings we were there on a very regular basis- his weekend trips never coincided with out visits though funnily enough!

So he wasn’t going away very regularly then was he? If you were there “very regularly” and he was there when you visited