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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not know WHAT to do [inheritance related]

100 replies

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:22

My Nanna (91) passed away in October 2024. She had been married to my step-grandad (89) since the late ‘80s after her first marriage. Both my mother and uncle (her children) are deceased, leaving only my two siblings and me as her closest family. My step-grandad has been estranged from his own children for decades, so we’ve essentially been his only family for over 30 years.

He has a long history of infidelity before they were married, though he and my Nanna appeared to love each other. In her later years, as her mobility declined, he would frequently take long trips away, claiming to visit a "godson" no one had ever met. He’d disappear on weekends, leaving her to be cared for by neighbors and local carers, only returning days later. We’d often find out after worried neighbors called, saying she’d been left alone between care visits.

Two years ago, I accidentally received a romantic text from him meant for someone else (we share the same first initial). That’s when I realised he had been seeing another woman. I was disgusted, but I chose to focus on supporting my Nanna—I couldn’t bring myself to tell a frail old woman that her husband was cheating.

After she passed, my step-grandad played the grieving widow, insisting on being the last person in the crematorium and soaking up all the attention. But by Boxing Day 2024—barely two months later—he had moved this woman into their home. I found out from neighbours who saw a van unloading her furniture and belongings.

She is 21 years younger, has left behind her three children and six grandchildren, and previously lived in a housing association home over three hours away. They met 7 years ago at a reunion. In their small, close-knit community, my step-grandad introduced her as his "carer," but the neighbors figured out the truth quickly. So now, a stranger is living in my Nanna’s home, less than six months after her death.

Since my Nanna and step-grandad had a joint will, he inherited everything—the house, pensions, and savings. My Nanna’s only specific request was that I receive her jewellery.

When I heard about him moving her in, I asked to meet them. I wanted to get a better sense of the situation, meet this woman, and discuss the rest of my Nanna’s belongings—including the will. My Nanna and step-grandad had always intended for my siblings and me to inherit. Their joint will stated that after both their deaths, everything would pass to us. For years, I was even named as executor.

At the meeting, my step-grandad showed up with six boxes of my Nanna’s belongings- family photos, wedding pictures, and anything that had been hers—making it clear he was starting fresh.

Then, they dropped a bombshell: they are getting married—less than six months after my Nanna’s death. They even handed me an invite, which we immediately declined.

I asked about the will and how inheritance would now work since marriage invalidates any previous wills. My step-grandad avoided eye contact, got incredibly shifty, and said he "told" his new wife-to-be to leave us half the house after she dies. But there’s zero legal guarantee of this. Realistically, everything will now go to her, and we will be left with nothing—all dependent on the goodwill of a woman who had no problem moving into my Nanna’s home just months after she died.

I am devastated. My Nanna worked hard for that home and everything in it, and now a complete stranger is benefiting from it while we get nothing. Legally, we have no claim, but morally, this feels so wrong.

I guess I’m asking: what do I do? Do I keep a civil relationship in hopes of securing some kind of inheritance in the future, or do I just walk away?

OP posts:
HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 05/03/2025 18:55

His behaviour is awful.

There's nothing you can do to to safeguard the money. Legally, you have no right to it. And realistically, he's going to leave it to his mistress whatever you do.

If he didn't feel obliged to keep his marriage vows to his faithful wife, he won't have any problem in cheating a step-grandchild out of their inheritance.

You're wrong about your grandmother's legacy though. He's helped himself to the financial legacy, yes. But you sound like you've inherited a good deal of good qualities, traits and habits from your lovely grandmother. That's the real legacy.

ThreeMagicNumber · 05/03/2025 18:56

I think in real life, not mumsnet, most people would be absolutely livid that everything their nana had worked hard for would now pass to her husbands mistress.

There's no fool like an old fool. It's ashame you didn't speak to her to tell her what's going on so she could protect her assets which I know if it were me in her shoes, I'd absolutely have wanted to do in this situation. Speak to a solicitor but I doubt there is much that can be done due to the joint will unfortunately.

Ang69 · 05/03/2025 18:56

Popfull · 05/03/2025 18:47

Interesting how this thread is evolving

so Nanna was so proud and desperate to pass on her legacy to her GC BUT not so desperate to change her will. So she knew that her cheating unsupportive husband would get it all.

and you and your two siblings seemed to have visited very irregularly if between you and- you managed one weekend a month th. Meaning each sibling visited once a quarter

Edited

Her nanna may not have been aware of the options open to her, many people don't they believe that the will they have written with their spouse is one will and legally binding on them both. So much misinformation sadly.

OP, I'll write his Will with a life rent trust at no cost. Tell him you can get a free will to ensure everyone is looked after. I doubt though he will take you up on it. Offer is there though just in case cost is a barrier. Sorry this has happened. too many families ripped apart from this.

Popfull · 05/03/2025 18:58

Ang69 · 05/03/2025 18:56

Her nanna may not have been aware of the options open to her, many people don't they believe that the will they have written with their spouse is one will and legally binding on them both. So much misinformation sadly.

OP, I'll write his Will with a life rent trust at no cost. Tell him you can get a free will to ensure everyone is looked after. I doubt though he will take you up on it. Offer is there though just in case cost is a barrier. Sorry this has happened. too many families ripped apart from this.

The op wasn’t backward at being forward at discussing the will with the step grandad

so you’d think that the matter would be raised with their deteriorating nanna who they knew was desperate to pass on her legacy to her GC

dementedmummy · 05/03/2025 18:58

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:22

My Nanna (91) passed away in October 2024. She had been married to my step-grandad (89) since the late ‘80s after her first marriage. Both my mother and uncle (her children) are deceased, leaving only my two siblings and me as her closest family. My step-grandad has been estranged from his own children for decades, so we’ve essentially been his only family for over 30 years.

He has a long history of infidelity before they were married, though he and my Nanna appeared to love each other. In her later years, as her mobility declined, he would frequently take long trips away, claiming to visit a "godson" no one had ever met. He’d disappear on weekends, leaving her to be cared for by neighbors and local carers, only returning days later. We’d often find out after worried neighbors called, saying she’d been left alone between care visits.

Two years ago, I accidentally received a romantic text from him meant for someone else (we share the same first initial). That’s when I realised he had been seeing another woman. I was disgusted, but I chose to focus on supporting my Nanna—I couldn’t bring myself to tell a frail old woman that her husband was cheating.

After she passed, my step-grandad played the grieving widow, insisting on being the last person in the crematorium and soaking up all the attention. But by Boxing Day 2024—barely two months later—he had moved this woman into their home. I found out from neighbours who saw a van unloading her furniture and belongings.

She is 21 years younger, has left behind her three children and six grandchildren, and previously lived in a housing association home over three hours away. They met 7 years ago at a reunion. In their small, close-knit community, my step-grandad introduced her as his "carer," but the neighbors figured out the truth quickly. So now, a stranger is living in my Nanna’s home, less than six months after her death.

Since my Nanna and step-grandad had a joint will, he inherited everything—the house, pensions, and savings. My Nanna’s only specific request was that I receive her jewellery.

When I heard about him moving her in, I asked to meet them. I wanted to get a better sense of the situation, meet this woman, and discuss the rest of my Nanna’s belongings—including the will. My Nanna and step-grandad had always intended for my siblings and me to inherit. Their joint will stated that after both their deaths, everything would pass to us. For years, I was even named as executor.

At the meeting, my step-grandad showed up with six boxes of my Nanna’s belongings- family photos, wedding pictures, and anything that had been hers—making it clear he was starting fresh.

Then, they dropped a bombshell: they are getting married—less than six months after my Nanna’s death. They even handed me an invite, which we immediately declined.

I asked about the will and how inheritance would now work since marriage invalidates any previous wills. My step-grandad avoided eye contact, got incredibly shifty, and said he "told" his new wife-to-be to leave us half the house after she dies. But there’s zero legal guarantee of this. Realistically, everything will now go to her, and we will be left with nothing—all dependent on the goodwill of a woman who had no problem moving into my Nanna’s home just months after she died.

I am devastated. My Nanna worked hard for that home and everything in it, and now a complete stranger is benefiting from it while we get nothing. Legally, we have no claim, but morally, this feels so wrong.

I guess I’m asking: what do I do? Do I keep a civil relationship in hopes of securing some kind of inheritance in the future, or do I just walk away?

I'm assuming you are in England? You need to sort out what you mean by a joint will. If it is simply wills granted at the same time, he can change his will at any time and that is just tough. If it was mutual wills, he cannot change his will. If you can get a copy of your nanny's will, you will have your answer. Sorry for your loss.

Ang69 · 05/03/2025 18:58

Sorry for the typos! I meant many people believe that their so called 'joint will' is legally binding on them both.

OneWaryCat · 05/03/2025 18:59

Sorry this sounds like a horrible situation. But you talk like everything was your Nanna's and it's everything she worked hard for - surely he also worked hard and bought that house jointly? So it's also rightly his money and house, not that he just inherited all of it from her.

I think you have to walk away. Even if he doesn't marry this woman, he might not honour her wishes anyway, or suddenly decide he DOES want to leave everything to his estranged children who might come out the woodwork. And they would be entitled to his money.

I have a horrible step mum who is likely to outlive my father and will take everything amd most likely pass it all on to my step brothers and sister. Initially he said she would get nothing (as she is independently wealthy) but he has changed his tune over the years. Not sure what we will get in the event but he has been very generous with gifting large sums of money throughout his life to us all. It's hard because I am polite and civil to her for the sake of my dad but if he passed away I'd never want to see her again and I can't stand her. But in doing so, I'll probably forefit any chance of my inheritance.

ThighsYouCantControl · 05/03/2025 19:00

Bet you’re kicking yourself for not telling your granny what a cheating, audacious shithead he was when you had a chance. Depending on how her health was at the time she might have been able to make a new will.

As things stand, nothing you can do legally about this. Hopefully his next shit is a cactus though.

curiositykilledthiscat · 05/03/2025 19:03

I think you're being somewhat disingenuous here as indicated by your "small sums" comment - really? The average house in the UK is worth £267K.

But in answer to your question, for the sake of your well-being, you walk away and leave them to it. You can't trust him. Your grandmother could have made provision of some kind for you, but chose not to.

Ang69 · 05/03/2025 19:04

dementedmummy · 05/03/2025 18:58

I'm assuming you are in England? You need to sort out what you mean by a joint will. If it is simply wills granted at the same time, he can change his will at any time and that is just tough. If it was mutual wills, he cannot change his will. If you can get a copy of your nanny's will, you will have your answer. Sorry for your loss.

Yes, if they are indeed mutual wills then it will be legally binding. I doubt that's what they have though but check just in case.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/03/2025 19:05

CorrectionCentre · 05/03/2025 17:40

There is nothing you can do.
There's no such thing as a "shared will". It can't be written anywhere that after both deaths everything goes to you and your siblings. I don't doubt that's what your grandmother wanted, but she needed to have written a will bequeathing directly to you all, not via the goodwill of her husband.
He's a dick. And she would have no morals inheriting from him. If he dies without changing his will and before he marries her, you're OK. But a marriage nullifies all previous wills. And he's at liberty to change his will and leave the money to whoever he chooses.

Edited

My dp and I have a mirror will and I can assure you it can be written what goes to whom upon our deaths

GrettaGreen · 05/03/2025 19:06

Reading between the lines it sounds like he was her live in carer and the state assisted him with paid for care workers to do personal care etc. And you and your siblings visited every so often bringing milk or doing a load of ironing when there but no actual clear obligation or regular input.

Apologies if I've made incorrect assumptions

LittleMG · 05/03/2025 19:08

I urge people reading this to leave the things they want their children to have specifically to them. My mum left her house to me and my sister over my dad’s head. He will live there til
he dies but he is a nightmare with money. With everything actually. He has already tried to get us to sell it and him move into a camper van and spend the money on goodness knows what and my poor mum has only been gone 3 months. My mum trusted me and my sister and we will never deviate from her wishes, but if it was left to my dad he’d be homeless in months. I so glad she trusted us.

Popfull · 05/03/2025 19:09

GrettaGreen · 05/03/2025 19:06

Reading between the lines it sounds like he was her live in carer and the state assisted him with paid for care workers to do personal care etc. And you and your siblings visited every so often bringing milk or doing a load of ironing when there but no actual clear obligation or regular input.

Apologies if I've made incorrect assumptions

Yes I agree

Ang69 · 05/03/2025 19:09

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/03/2025 19:05

My dp and I have a mirror will and I can assure you it can be written what goes to whom upon our deaths

The issue with a mirror will leaving everything to the surviving spouse and then onto the children is that the survivor can then rewrite a new will changing the beneficiaries. Or, if they remarry, the will is revoked meaning that unless they make a new one their estate will pass as per the law of intestacy meaning the new spouse gets a lot if not all.

Poppyseeds79 · 05/03/2025 19:11

Did you receive the jewellery she left you? Other than that it's highly unlikely he'll just peacefully pop his clogs at 90 anyway. The chances are it'd have all gone on care home costs for him regardless.

Although the new soon to be wife may plan on being his carer to prevent the funds going there. In which case fair play to her really, I'm assuming you or one of your siblings wasn't planning on moving in to take up that position?

ThighsYouCantControl · 05/03/2025 19:23

Poppyseeds79 · 05/03/2025 19:11

Did you receive the jewellery she left you? Other than that it's highly unlikely he'll just peacefully pop his clogs at 90 anyway. The chances are it'd have all gone on care home costs for him regardless.

Although the new soon to be wife may plan on being his carer to prevent the funds going there. In which case fair play to her really, I'm assuming you or one of your siblings wasn't planning on moving in to take up that position?

That’s a very good point. There’s a good chance he will either need care which will eat into whatever money there is or new wife will be doing all that.

He's still a shithead obviously.

CorrectionCentre · 05/03/2025 19:25

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/03/2025 19:05

My dp and I have a mirror will and I can assure you it can be written what goes to whom upon our deaths

The point is that after the first person dies there is no guarantee as to what happens next. The bereaved partner doesn't have to stick with the will that mirrors the deceased's will. So you could die firmly believing that you know where your money is going ultimately, but your dp could do anything s/he chooses once you're gone. Having mirrored wills doesn't have any legal standing. It just describes the reciprocal intent at the time of writing.

Popfull · 05/03/2025 19:33

Don’t think the op will be back

CorrectionCentre · 05/03/2025 19:51

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/03/2025 19:05

My dp and I have a mirror will and I can assure you it can be written what goes to whom upon our deaths

To be really clear. You and your dp don't have a "mirrored will". You each have a will that is written to 'mirror' the other. "I leave to you, but if you're dead it goes to x,y and z" But they are separate wills . And as stated before, you are both just simply trusting each other to stick to that agreement after the first one dies.

Cosyblankets · 05/03/2025 19:59

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 17:44

Sorry poorly explained. A marital will- she dies first, all goes to him. He dies first, all goes to her. On both of their deaths, then all to us.

It was not her intention writing the will, I believe, that he would have met someone else. But she should have made better provisions, but there's so much trust in a marriage. And he was onboard with leaving it ALL to us- it was his will too!

Is the born deaths part not referring to them going together? Like in an accident etc.
If she left it to him he doesn't have to save any.
There's every possibility she thought he'd do the right thing but legally it's all his.

Cosyblankets · 05/03/2025 20:27

YourHardyExpert · 05/03/2025 18:40

Us three siblings are all between 4-6hours round trip from where they lived. We saw them minimum once a month. I think given family and job responsibilities this was a good level of commitment from us. We would help with odd jobs, shopping, laundry/ironing etc.

We organised care for her- so she had carers coming in 3 times per day. He was her husband so was there 'round the clock' but he wasn't doing round the clock care- i.e. he didn't help her with hygiene etc

So if there are three of you and you did weekends apiece there was only one weekend a month where there was no one there?

Popfull · 05/03/2025 20:57

Cosyblankets · 05/03/2025 20:27

So if there are three of you and you did weekends apiece there was only one weekend a month where there was no one there?

when this was asked, the OP shuffled off and hasn’t been back since

I think this nanna head her head screwed on and trusted her husband of 39 years over her grandchildren

Elsvieta · 05/03/2025 22:13

CorrectionCentre · 05/03/2025 17:40

There is nothing you can do.
There's no such thing as a "shared will". It can't be written anywhere that after both deaths everything goes to you and your siblings. I don't doubt that's what your grandmother wanted, but she needed to have written a will bequeathing directly to you all, not via the goodwill of her husband.
He's a dick. And she would have no morals inheriting from him. If he dies without changing his will and before he marries her, you're OK. But a marriage nullifies all previous wills. And he's at liberty to change his will and leave the money to whoever he chooses.

Edited

Joint wills are possible (you don't even have to be married - it can be with another friend or a relative or whatever), although I don't know why anyone thinks they're a good idea. Mirror wills are much better.

It's quite common for someone in a second marriage to leave their house to their kids of the first one but with the proviso that the spouse can stay in it for life.

KindBird · 05/03/2025 23:31

CorrectionCentre · 05/03/2025 19:25

The point is that after the first person dies there is no guarantee as to what happens next. The bereaved partner doesn't have to stick with the will that mirrors the deceased's will. So you could die firmly believing that you know where your money is going ultimately, but your dp could do anything s/he chooses once you're gone. Having mirrored wills doesn't have any legal standing. It just describes the reciprocal intent at the time of writing.

So true!

My late husband and I had mirror wills. The solicitor assured us it was the best option even though I clearly stated I wanted to protect our children's inheritance as heard far too many horror stories like this and was terrified of what would happen if some gold digger moved in on a vulnerable grieving man if something happened to me. Different situation, I know, but men usually tend to 'move on' a lot quicker than women...from what I have seen at least. We promised each other to prioritise our children and not let a third party lay a finger on what we built together...but it's all that was...promises.

Unfortunately I lost my husband in 2023 to cancer 9 weeks after a sudden diagnosis. He was in his late thirties. As per the will everything went to me. I immediately changed my will to ensure everything I have goes to our two DC as was both of our wishes. But that's just me.

And I'm already thinking of the best way to protect everything if/when I ever meet someone new. In hindsight I would have preferred to go down the route a previous poster did...as unless both parties have their heads screwed on straight amidst all grief and pain, mirror wills aren't the way to go unless there are no children in the picture.

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