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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable in this visiting disagreement?

56 replies

WhatFreshHellisThese · 04/03/2025 15:44

Annie saw that a theatre production she liked was playing in a city she often visits and booked herself some tickets for it. Annie told Belinda she would be in her city (Annie and Belinda live in different cities) and advised she would be visiting from X date to Y date. Annie suggested she would book herself into a B+B near Belinda’s house for part of her visit so she could visit Belinda. Belinda said ok, just to let you know that is the day after a big deadline for my course. You will need to take us as you find us! Annie ended up not catching up with Belinda during the trip, as she thought Belinda was rude and unwelcoming towards her. Annie thinks Belinda was rude and ill mannered, especially as she never updated her that the part of the visit to Belinda wasn’t happening.

There was a similar situation about a year or so ago. Then as now, Annie thinks Belinda needs to be more flexible. Belinda thinks Annie needs to check if people are available before booking to visit them so they can plan.

Feel free to ask if more information is required. I will update later on about if l am Annie, Belinda or someone else

YABU means you think Annie is being unreasonable
YANBU means you think Belinda is being unreasonable

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 04/03/2025 15:46

Annie was being over sensitive. Belinda was just stating a fact, I didn't take that as unwelcoming at all

BMW6 · 04/03/2025 15:47

Well you are obviously Belinda 😁 Annie was an arse.

SackChute · 04/03/2025 15:50

Annie needs to understand that, just because she decides that’s when she’s going, it doesn’t mean it’s convenient. Belinda had a lot on and was preemptively warning Annie that she would be knackered, the house wouldn’t be spotless and there maybe wouldn’t be a fancy 3 course meal on offer.
Annie is a drama llama.

BallerinaRadio · 04/03/2025 15:52

Honestly who has the will to live their life like this, if you're free visit if not arrange another time just don't lose any sleep over it or fall out like kids

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/03/2025 15:53

Belinda wasn’t being unwelcoming, she was being clear about what Annie could expect. Annie was rude not letting Belinda know she wasn’t now going to visit - I know if I were Belinda I would have tried to organise myself to be organised/have free time despite my deadline and would be pissed off to have been ghosted.

Whatsitreallylike · 04/03/2025 15:54

It sounds as if Annie was going to be in town regardless, she suggested meeting with Belinda but Belinda was less than enthusiastic so Annie didn’t bother.

MissAmbrosia · 04/03/2025 15:58

Annie is very unreasonable.

takealettermsjones · 04/03/2025 15:59

It depends how it was said of course but I don't see anything wrong with what Belinda said. Like PP I took that to mean the house may be a tip and I will be knackered!

Similarly I don't think there's anything wrong with Annie being inflexible with her dates sometimes, as long as she's fine with being turned down if it doesn't work for the other person. She did check to see whether Belinda was available.

However, Annie was rude for just not turning up when she said she would.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 04/03/2025 15:59

Annie was definitely being unreasonable, taking umbrage when Belinda advised her that she would be happy for her to visit, but to be prepared to take her as she found her because she's been busy. She dropped the visit on Belinda, just expecting her to be free, and then, even though Belinda didn't say that she wasn't free, simply warned her that things were a bit messy, she cancelled her visit, and didn't even let her know. If I were Annie, I'd be wondering if Belinda was the friend I thought she was.

So, who are you OP?

CuddlyDodoToy · 04/03/2025 15:59

Although Annie appears to be the arse at first glance, I suspect the OP is Belinda and we might not be getting the full story.

If I was Belinda and Annie was a good friend whose company I enjoyed, I would make an extra effort to make sure she felt welcome. I am not convinced that is what happened here.

If I was Annie and Belinda was a good friend I didn't get to see very often, I would feel hurt and disappointed if I thought I wasn't welcome. "I can't wait to see you, I hope you don't mind if we're a bit chaotic" sounds like you want to see her. "You will have to take us as you find us", sounds like you would just as soon not.

Ellie1015 · 04/03/2025 16:11

Not sure why Belinda had to make that comment, it did sound like not a good time. She should have agreed to catch up while Annie in town, or explained she wasn't available. Annie has overreacted by not visiting or cancelling.

DaisyChain505 · 04/03/2025 16:15

Annie is too sensitive.

Belinda was just letting Annie know that she wouldn’t be rolling out the red carpet and making a royal afternoon tea for Annie and that it would be a casual catch up.

IDoWhateverItTakes · 04/03/2025 16:29

Annie is unreasonable.
Annie booked before asking, Annie 'announced' she would be staying to visit, Belinda was open and honest about being busy with work and that it might not happen.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/03/2025 16:35

Annie sounds like hard work.

thing47 · 04/03/2025 16:41

I don't find the phrase 'you will have to take us as you find us' in any way rude at all.

It is merely managing the visitor's expectations.

paranoiaofpufflings · 04/03/2025 16:54

This all sounds like such hard work. I expect both of them are a bit precious, and the story given in the post will have a bias on it of course.

Annie was going on the trip anyway to see the theatre show. Whether or not she saw Belinda on the same trip didn't make a difference to whether she went, she booked the trip because of the theatre. But "Annie ended up not catching up with Belinda as she thought Belinda was rude and unwelcoming towards her" is just childish and silly.

Belinda sounds busy, the comment about taking us as you find us was no doubt meant to be harmless, but it was a bit rude and unwelcoming. If a friend told me they were visiting my town I'd say something more like "I've been so busy lately so the house is a bit of a mess but if you don't mind that it would be great to see you". She could also have seen Annie out of her house if that was the issue - gone out for a meal. But I'm guessing she just wasn't that fussed about seeing Annie anyway.

Both should just move on.

YesImawitch · 04/03/2025 16:57

Annie should ask if she can visit not just announce it.

Naunet · 04/03/2025 17:01

Annie sounds like a bit of a self important twat.

KrisAkabusi · 04/03/2025 17:02

I will update later on about if l am Annie, Belinda or someone else

If you're not Belinda, you're certainly on her side!

IButtleSir · 04/03/2025 17:13

Annie thinks Belinda was rude and ill mannered, especially as she never updated her that the part of the visit to Belinda wasn’t happening.

You've got Annie and Belinda the wrong way round here.

MargoTen · 04/03/2025 17:40

Annie is BU.

Moveoverdarlin · 04/03/2025 17:42

Annie thinks the world revolves around her. Belinda thinks Annie is a twat and made up some bullshit deadline to try and put her off visiting. Annie didn’t take the hint.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 04/03/2025 17:43

Annie thinks Belinda was rude and ill mannered, especially as she never updated her that the part of the visit to Belinda wasn’t happening.

Was this a mistake and it's supposed to say Belinda thinks Annie was rude for not updating her that she wasn't coming? Otherwise I can't make head or tail of it.

Projectme · 04/03/2025 17:45

if this is a true reflection of what was said and done then Annie is being unreasonable. Guessing you're Belinda OP.

autisticbookworm · 04/03/2025 18:33

Belinda was being up front about what to expect. She was ok with seeing her friend but the timing wasn't ideal. Annie was rude and childish.

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