Who is being unreasonable in this visiting disagreement?

[WhatFreshHellisThese]

Annie saw that a theatre production she liked was playing in a city she often visits and booked herself some tickets for it. Annie told Belinda she would be in her city (Annie and Belinda live in different cities) and advised she would be visiting from X date to Y date. Annie suggested she would book herself into a B+B near Belinda’s house for part of her visit so she could visit Belinda. Belinda said ok, just to let you know that is the day after a big deadline for my course. You will need to take us as you find us! Annie ended up not catching up with Belinda during the trip, as she thought Belinda was rude and unwelcoming towards her. Annie thinks Belinda was rude and ill mannered, especially as she never updated her that the part of the visit to Belinda wasn’t happening.

There was a similar situation about a year or so ago. Then as now, Annie thinks Belinda needs to be more flexible. Belinda thinks Annie needs to check if people are available before booking to visit them so they can plan.

Feel free to ask if more information is required. I will update later on about if l am Annie, Belinda or someone else

YABU means you think Annie is being unreasonable
YANBU means you think Belinda is being unreasonable

Yep, l did. Sorry for the confusion, l thought using names rather than person A and B would help but clearly not

I was Belinda. Tried to be neutral but clearly failed!

Basically this Annie would have rocked up expecting the full red carpet treatment with spotless house, garden like something from RHS and a 3 course meal. In reality l would be sleep deprived and burned out! She knows full well l work full time, have 2 year old toddlers and had an imminent deadline. Annie likes to be hosted and will be unhappy with the state of play

There a fair few back stories of Annie doing this time and again. About 10 years ago she rang me up to enquire about staying in a few weekends time. I said fine to come but l have plans for the Saturday night as it's a friends big birthday night out. She screamed at me, shouted at me, swore and then smashed the phone down

Ooof. Well I'm glad she never turned up, I bet you had a better weekend without her 😉

Yep, l wanted to manage expectations. She's the kind of person who wouldn't grasp that a big deadline combined with other commitments, might mean weeks of working late / over the weekend on it so might be tired

I will never understand why so many people on MN have "friends" that they don't like or who treat them like shit. Or both in this case.

I'm Belinda. I had tried to smoothie the whole thing over before the know show. One of the things l did was text:

know that we live far apart and it is this l have in mind when l am asking you to co-ordinate with me. It makes it better for everyone. It becomes a problem when we have work / childminder or other prior commitments x

I have reminded her a few times l have limited annual leave and childcare is fixed so l can't just cancel last minute

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime I get what you mean but she's my mother 🙄

Yes, it’s the single oddest thing about Mn.

OP, the only mysterious thing here is why you appear to have renewed a friendship with someone who’d previously invited herself to stay at short notice and screamed and swore at you when you said you had plans for one night. I mean, did she grovel, apologise profusely and say she’d been taking drugs?

@AFairDistance she's my mum. We are LC. There have been big phases of us not speaking due to her behaviour

😯😯😯 Plot twist!!

Yep. Hilarious thing is she's loves to say "lm dead laidback me". It kills my husband when she says that

🤣🤣🤣 she just won't plan ahead and discuss. Next time lm probably not going to get into a debate and just say "lm at work that / those days" or "l have a few days off at the end of July?".

The 2nd to last time she did this l was at work. I suggested doing after work but that was "too late" apparently (l finish work at 530pm)

Wish it was a bullshit deadline. It was the bane of my life!

Pretty much. Bar the bit where she said l was harsh, spoke to her like a child and lm mean

Annie shouldn’t assume she can just rock up at peoples houses whenever she wants. She should check first whenever it’s convenient to visit.

Belinda wasn’t being rude, but honest . She didn’t say that she couldn’t come, just that the house may May be a bit if a mess .

( Annie sounds like someone I know who would assume that they can stay at anyone’s house, anytime, and even’s friends in-laws who they’ve barely met, if in-laws live in a city they want to visit)

I’m too polite to type the phrase I uttered about Annie as I read the OP.

Annie needs to check dates before making plans in the future. People have busy lives and are not always available on demand.

@takealettermsjones l thought the mum thing might muddy the waters! It doesn't help that some of her beliefs include she knows best and l should respect her as she's my mother. I don't agree with those things and her behaviour makes it difficult

No I get it, it probably would have done! 😂 To be fair, I probably would overlook more bad behaviour from my mother than I would a friend, so I can see now why you didn't cut her off after the previous incident!

I think the screaming and shouting would have been the end of the friendship there and then for me. You must be extremely tolerant.

As a matter of interest,did Annie ask you if you wanted a ticket for the theatre show?

I think you've got your Annies and Belindas mixed up at the end of that, surely it was Annie who did not let Belinda know she wasn't bothering to pop round, Belinda had no updates to give, she didn't change the plan.

Annies a bellend of the highest order - she announces her visit without asking if its convenient, and has only arranged it because it is convenient to her, fitting in with her existing plans, that Belinda is not a part of.

Then she gets the hump that Belinda won't be rolling out the red carpet because its her first day after working towards a huge deadline.

Then she (I assume, given confusion in OP) doesn't even tell Belinda she isn't bothering to come round just doesn't turn up...

Annie is a dick.

@AuntAgathaGregson good question. Zero thought given to me re theatre tickets and it is the kind of thing l would want to see. She will have known this. So l was good enough to host but not do the theatre. It's not a long production so we could have picked a date after my deadline

It IS a long production with many dates

@WiddlinDiddlin yes, sorry for the confusion with the names. I didn't change the plan no. Sourced food from Cook and was planning a speed clean of the house

Holy shit. No, your mother is not supposed to behave like this. The correct answer from her would have been “what can I do to help?”.

Sorry, you have shit mother.