Who is being unreasonable in this visiting disagreement?

[WhatFreshHellisThese]

Annie saw that a theatre production she liked was playing in a city she often visits and booked herself some tickets for it. Annie told Belinda she would be in her city (Annie and Belinda live in different cities) and advised she would be visiting from X date to Y date. Annie suggested she would book herself into a B+B near Belinda’s house for part of her visit so she could visit Belinda. Belinda said ok, just to let you know that is the day after a big deadline for my course. You will need to take us as you find us! Annie ended up not catching up with Belinda during the trip, as she thought Belinda was rude and unwelcoming towards her. Annie thinks Belinda was rude and ill mannered, especially as she never updated her that the part of the visit to Belinda wasn’t happening.

There was a similar situation about a year or so ago. Then as now, Annie thinks Belinda needs to be more flexible. Belinda thinks Annie needs to check if people are available before booking to visit them so they can plan.

Feel free to ask if more information is required. I will update later on about if l am Annie, Belinda or someone else

YABU means you think Annie is being unreasonable
YANBU means you think Belinda is being unreasonable

Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to put up with this toxic behaviour.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and don’t feel guilty or like you have to over explain yourself when she behaves like this.

If you know yourself that you have been fair and haven’t done anything wrong just remind yourself of that and let her continue with her tantrum.

They're both oversensitive. This is a non event. Poor communication all round.

Annie should have said she was thinking of meeting up on X date. Not presented it as an arrangement that belinda had to fit in with. Belinda should have said no if not convenient. Not a half arsed "come if you must". Then they should have both communicated about the details well in advance so they Belinda knew if Annie was coming.

Thanks. She's very good at being unreasonable and then painting you as the one who is being unreasonable

She really really hates boundaries! I will be asking for an explanation and an apology. Which she will HATE and most definitely will cause her to double down

Sometimes you have to just accept that you will never get through to a person or be able to make them see how bad their behaviour is.

Sometimes you have to just send a clear message that what they’re doing is acceptable and you’re not entertaining it and leave them to it.

It must be exhausting constantly trying to not rock the boat and then when you do, having to over explain yourself knowing they she’ll never see her wrong doing.

Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to just accept the way she treats you. You don’t have to jump to no contact with her but also you don’t need to be making your life hell by trying to please someone who can’t be pleased.

@DaisyChain505 all good advice thank you. I can't change her behavior, just the way l react to it as the saying goes.

I could provide a long list of examples of her being unreasonable and behaving badly e.g. -her being annoyed we told her she couldn't stay at our house the night of our wedding. We were going on honeymoon on another day and wanted it to be just the 2 of us
-her taking my dads ashes hostage so my siblings and l couldn't scatter them. They had split up over 15 years before his death
-Her trying to make me take my brother when he moved away to university. I couldn't drive and didn't have a car at that point

Funnily enough l talked through the situation with some friends and "exhausting" was what a lot of them said about it all