Being too “nice” IS a bad thing!

[Animalmama]

Last night I had a moment of reflection - I’m too nice and it’s not a good thing.

I hate confrontation, I let my boundaries slip for family / friends. I let myself get taken advantage of. I realised I have a couple of friends who I care about so much I have noticed they will reach out to rant about their life or need me when it suits them. They know I’ll always be there as I’m “so nice” so will ignore me or not priorities me until then suddenly need me.

I’ve had 4 jobs now and at all 4 I’ve been piled on majority the work, I don’t say no, I’m too nice.

For anyone that’s too nice. How do you start saying NO.

I am immediately 🤔of anyone who describes themselves as being “too nice”

Because “nice” is all too often synonymous with “not genuine”

Not in a fake way. In a, I let others walk all over me way.

That's not nice so much as being a doormat.
Which is actually quite off-putting in a person.

You start by not saying yes as an automatic response.
You say I'm not sure, let me think about it and I'll get back to you.
That gives you time to think about whether you actually WANT to do whatever it is and if you don't you go back and you say no.

Yup

That isn’t “too nice”

I agree with the doormat comment

thank you for the tips!

During a training course, several years ago; we did various videod role play, and written tests.
The facilitator told me I was the patsy! He explained that all the time I didn't say no, I would get more and more work piled on me. He also said, that I should exert my boundaries, but to expect some push back initially, because people are not used to me saying 'No'.
He was 100% right, but now I have no problem saying no, and people respect that.

It can be. I get told I’m too nice often. Too nice because I put others before myself. Too nice for taking on them extra shifts despite not wanting too.

I understand what you mean op. Rather than, "too nice", maybe you're meaning "people pleasing?"
It can be difficult to change, when you're wired this way. I am finding as I get older I'm pleasing myself more, and not just doing what other people want all of the time. I've been an agony aunt to selfish friends as well, and dropped one who was never there for me back. I have also gone NC with a PITA relative. Try putting yourself first a bit more, it'll feel good!

This is the problem, you believe letting people walk all over you is “‘being nice” - these two things are not the same. People who martyr themselves in this way are actually quite tiresome to be around. You aren’t being yourself when you are agreeing to whatever other people want/need. Hence, disingenuous.

Letting others walk all over you is fake though. You are not stating how you genuinely feel/ what you actually want and need.

Then don’t do it. What are you hoping to achieve by pleasing these people? Is it their approval?

Value yourself and your time.
Give yourself time to think before you agree to something.
People won't hate you for saying no, but if they're used to you always saying yes, you will have to practice holding your line.

I understand what you are saying.

So you're a wet wipe as my dd would say. Try saying no to something minor, where you're less likely to upset anyone and work up from there perhaps?

I was a doormat with certain family members through marriage for 27 years. I finally snapped after my husband died and I realised that I was being disrespected yet again.

I'm quite certain that they now regard my niceness as fake - and maybe they have a point. I spent years not rocking the boat for my husband's sake. I now wish that I'd had more respect for myself.

I'm the same and I'm trying to work through it. It's hard and for me it stems from an abusive childhood so it's hard to unpack but its possible.

What helped me was when I learnt that being a people pleaser is actually a form of manipulation, we're trying to manipulate people into likeing us. For me I feel safe when everyone around me is happy, if someone isnt happy with me my nervous system freaks out and I feel like I'm in danger but obviously I'm not.

Its important to me to be a good, decent person. And a good decent person does not manipulate the people around them. The kindest and most honest thing would be to say no, or explain to people how you feel etc. Kind you YOU and the other person.

Also, I find most people can smell a people pleaser from a mile off and it actually makes people feel uncomfortable or least they can sense you're being insincere. So then you're either not taking seriously, taken advantage of or really, just secretly disliked. 😬

Yes, I honestly don’t mind being told the truth that’s why I posted on AIBU. I’ve become a wet wipe as your DD would say. I’ve let others take advantage. There was a time I had a horrible selfish friend upset about about 50 times before cutting contact. I know bringing your boundaries down isn’t a good thing and I want to change it

I don’t want to be told I’m too nice again

Everything you said I related with so much. I get anxious / nervous if I feel like saying no or inserting boundaries upsets the other person or rocks the boat when in reality that’s not my problem. Everything you commented made me feel not alone

I suspect you are a people pleaser rather than "too nice".

It's good that you have realised this about yourself. I'd suggest reflecting on why you think it might be the case - did you learn to "conform" as a child because your parents/other adults/siblings would get angry if you didn't? Are you seeking other people's approval because you don't feel you fit in? It's easier to put up boundaries once you realise some of the "why".

Please dont beat yourself up over it.
There is a reason you do it, but you can also unpack it.

Setting boundaries is so scary, but when you start doing it, and nothing bad happens. You can start to see that the world wont fall apart if you say no or whatever. You just need some practice, I still need lots off it 😅

You sound a bit passive. They reach out to you when they need you. Do you reach out to them when you need them or do you expect them to just know when you need them?

No I expect them to be mind readers.

Kidding, of course I reach out. I either get ignored or get sent a half arsed messaged back, to be followed with oh by the way guess what’s going on in my life

You think you're putting people first but actually you're doing it as you care so much about your own image as a "nice person". (You may not be conscious of this). It's not an attractive trait and can come across as quite underhand - particularly if you are martyring yourself in the process.