Being too “nice” IS a bad thing!

[Animalmama]

Last night I had a moment of reflection - I’m too nice and it’s not a good thing.

I hate confrontation, I let my boundaries slip for family / friends. I let myself get taken advantage of. I realised I have a couple of friends who I care about so much I have noticed they will reach out to rant about their life or need me when it suits them. They know I’ll always be there as I’m “so nice” so will ignore me or not priorities me until then suddenly need me.

I’ve had 4 jobs now and at all 4 I’ve been piled on majority the work, I don’t say no, I’m too nice.

For anyone that’s too nice. How do you start saying NO.

Again I understand what people are getting at. Maybe I people please as I don’t want to say no and then people get the hump with me? But I need to learn that’s not my issue if they do,

PPs make fair points OP. Are you really nice? As in you genuinely want to support and help others,
and do it cheerfully? Or are you a little weak and conflict avoidant, a people pleaser, and so do these things, resent them and would rather not? As you're asking for ways to say no, I'd suggest it's the second. So you don't need to become less nice, just more genuine and assertive. The first step is to give up on your self image of being 'nice' and visialise yourself as strong and boundaried instead.

I used to be a people pleaser but then a few people took the piss and I'd had enough. Now I'm very good at saying no.

“Too nice” is a polite way of saying weak willed and lacking in boundaries.

It isn’t a good thing I agree with you there.

OP,it’s very easy to be put on the spot especially if you’re not used to it and say „yes” even if it’s detrimental to you.

Look up some assertiveness courses (I bet you find something on YT) and practise saying „no”

The phrase that is very useful before you commit yourself to do anything for anybody is „let me check (diary,calendar,whatever)and get back to you”.

This way you’re not saying „yes” straight away and it gets the request off your back for a while.It also gives you a chance to think it over and reply in writing- email/message thus avoiding face to face confrontation and uncomfortable feeling.

You might encounter some people that are very persistent in pursuing your time/energy as they are not used to you saying „no” to them. Rinse and repeat „let me check…and get back to you” with „I said let me check and get back to you”.

Last repeat might seem to be a bit harsh and rude but this is the requester’s rudeness redirected at them.

As for family and friends you might be met with sulking,arguing and verbal agression. Turn around and walk away (or hang up if you’re on the phone) after saying „don’t speak to me like that” then DO NOT contact them first as it will be seen as your capitulation.

Never,ever say “sorry” with your refusal as it indicates you feeling guilty so they will try again.Don’t offer alternatives either if the request is detrimental to you.

The world is not going to end,the sky won’t fall on your head if you say “no”

As with everything else it takes time and practice. It gets easier with time 🙂

Then it’s straight to “No,it doesn't work for me” “No,I can’t do it” and “No,I don’t want to do it”

Good luck. Stand up for yourself as nobody else will 💐

I am having therapy for this at the moment. I have had 3 decades of terrible boundaries, I say yes to most things and I end up suffering from stress / burnout because I’m too afraid to say “no”.

I ruminate until I feel sick if I think I’ve let someone down or hurt them in anyway.

I WAS naive, gullible and put myself in dangerous situations just to ensure the other person is ok.

Of course, my job as a child was to keep both parents happy, stay quiet, people please and ensure nobody got angry. I am still terrified of being “in trouble” or people being “cross” at me.

Therapy is definitely helping and I’m beginning to find my voice. And my boundaries at work are really good now!! I have come a long long way.

Before therapy I always thought I was a nice human who got carried away / in too deep. Little did I realise that my mindset was actually quite toxic & damaging. It lead to some shite mistakes. I said to my therapist I’d sooner break my own leg than say “no” to someone and she looked absolutely shocked. 😳

Onwards & upwards

Half and half. I genuinely care about my friends and when they go through hard times I worry about them and support them. I became a close friends main support when she went through a divorce and then that ended up feeling like I was an unpaid therapist. She’d reach out all hours of the day and put a lot of pressure on me, I never told her how I felt and resented that.

I hate knowing I’m letting work down if I say no to extra shifts in busy periods and I feel like it’s my fault if they get stressed.

So it’s not that I want people to think oh look how nice x is , isn’t she a wonderful person. I think I just let my boundaries slip and remind myself that I matter too

Thank you for getting it and commenting. I think some PP think I’m trying to pretend to be miss nice to get all the friends and attention, what I mean is I’m too nice for my own good and put myself last.

I think you need to look at assertive technquies.

Not caring helps - but there often ways of saying no without saying no:

https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-say-no

Pick some and practise them - and then try them out.

Thank you so much!!

You aren't too nice you are a people pleaser/fawner, you (and I) do it as it's a learned behaviour and we get something out of it, which may be avoiding a bad feeling in our stomach at the thought of confrontation or a punishment that we would have got as a child but would not happen now but we can't see that. It's not altruistic.

Loads of books/podcasts and resources out there which would be helpful in identifying why you do it and how to stop - a lot of which is getting out of the habit.

I do believe that a some people take advantage of others' weaknesses (niceness) and I wholly believe that no good turn goes unpunished.

Totally get it @Animalmama

There is a lot of advice on instagram, Spotify podcasts and YouTube. Your people pleasing nature will come from somewhere.

My therapy is £50 per hour but even after two sessions I had much better self awareness and learnt so much. Definitely speak to someone if you can. 💐

I hate knowing I’m letting work down if I say no to extra shifts in busy periods and I feel like it’s my fault if they get stressed.

Unless you a mananger/owner- who gets to say how many staff are employed and when - that that's not on you. Would it be easier to say no if you did have a concete plan?

I know my parents were doormats with DGP and got very resentful - but as they got very old and ill demands got to much DMum had to insist her and Dad went out few times a week all day so litterally couldn't go over - as only way Dad didn't get talked into things.

Broken record if people get pushy - don't attempt to explain or justify just I'm sorry I just can't this time and repeat.

Yep this 100%!

Thank you everyone I’m glad some people understand (although wish you didn’t) and I’m grateful for peoples honesty. Sometimes being told you’re a doormat and a wet wipe is actually the kick you need.

I’ve made a promise to myself to be more assertive; not be there at all hours of the day or spend hours letting friends rant to me that are the same people that ignore me if I need them and only take on shifts that I can do.

I actually do have kids so I need to sort myself out so they don’t end up following in my footsteps

Yes I agree. It is usually learnt behaviour deriving from childhood.

This, I think mine was party childhood but I did have an abusive ex when I was a teen and sometimes it still effects me now.

This behaviour is often rooted in childhood - I found therapy v helpful as therapists are good at coaching you through building up your skills in setting boundaries for yourself.

@Animalmama I unfortunately have this problem, and interesting to read replies on here. I have been told I am a 'punch bag' a 'doormat' and people pleaser. I grew up experiencing quite a lot of arguments (between family members) watching fallouts and what not, I believe that has left me with this urge to avoid conflict at all costs and make sure everyone is happy. The unfortunate thing about being a people pleaser is at the end of the day you probably haven't pleased anyone.
I'm still trying very hard to work on me, with the help of my DM.
I do genuinely want to help people too, but I seem to forget that I can't be there for everyone.
I've taken time to observe others in IL family and it has really opened my eyes as to how much of pushover I've always been.
However, I think I always had an issue with this sort of thing, because every year my school report had something along the lines of 'she seems afraid to ask for help' which I didn't know I was doing at the time.

No idea

I’m the same I just want to help everybody and be nice all the time

Well done OP, realising there needs to be a change is the first step!

You can be nice to people without letting them take advantage of you. Practice saying no in a nice way - "Oh I'm sorry, I'm a bit busy next week, I'm not going to be able to do that".

It sounds like you worry that other people will get upset/get the hump with you. Remember that you are not in control of their response and let go of the responsibility for it. You can only control what you do, not what others do. You need to get comfortable with the fact that you cannot please everybody all the time. Maybe some counselling will help you pinpoint where the need to please is coming from and how to work at being more assertive.

As others have said, OP, you're a doormat and need to stand up for yourself (not east I know). It's not the same as being nice.
I had a colleague who described herself as "nice". She was a light-the-touchpaper-and-stand-back type.
Very different.

Too nice, people pleaser and doormat are too often used as insults on mn when people have to go above and beyond for someone else. The word boundaries is overused, generally telling people to only think of themselves full stop. I don’t think it’s too nice, it’s on the other people who take advantage of nice people- that’s where boundaries come in and are needed!

I personally don’t think you can be too nice and see amazing examples daily of people who stand out because they help people out, make sure they’re ok, let things go (in retail and it’s great not to have someone jump on you when something happens!) treat people a certain way etc. don’t become cynical op, there’s a lot of goodies out there!

Actually I'd flip it around and say it's not you, it's other people. There's always so much victim blaming going on when this topic comes up, "doormat", "wet wipe", "people pleaser" etc. That's like saying if your DH is abusing you it's your fault because you're being a doormat or whatever.
Really people shouldn't be taking advantage of others, or being pushy or treating them badly. If they do, then that's them being an asshole, not the nice person being a doormat.
That said, for your own wellbeing it would be good to not allow people to treat you badly.
This is why I'm now quite brutal about dropping people if I get so much as a whiff of them trying to take advantage of me or mistreat me in some way. I only allow people in my life who don't make me feel like I'm on edge and like I need to guard my boundaries, or who make me feel taken for granted.
So don't feel bad about yourself, just drop the user friends and change your workplace if you feel like it's toxic, surround yourself with other nice people who make you feel good and don't take the p*ss.