Being too “nice” IS a bad thing!

[Animalmama]

Last night I had a moment of reflection - I’m too nice and it’s not a good thing.

I hate confrontation, I let my boundaries slip for family / friends. I let myself get taken advantage of. I realised I have a couple of friends who I care about so much I have noticed they will reach out to rant about their life or need me when it suits them. They know I’ll always be there as I’m “so nice” so will ignore me or not priorities me until then suddenly need me.

I’ve had 4 jobs now and at all 4 I’ve been piled on majority the work, I don’t say no, I’m too nice.

For anyone that’s too nice. How do you start saying NO.

I get it OP. I easily get "swallowed" by people because I genuinely do care but even when the caring puts me in a burnout situation I won't be able to step back to protect myself. I feel responsible for others happiness in a way that's not sane which is probably childhood related (growing up too fast, mothering my father after the divorce because he was broken etc).

It got better when I became a mother because my children would obviously come first so it became easier to say no. Age also helped. At 45 I don't care if people don't like me because I'm not a mug. I will help out if I can and if it doesn't cost me too much in emotional capacity.

Friends and family who are telling you that you are 'too nice' are trying to be kind to you OP. What they mean is that you are being taken advantage of because you have no boundaries.

This is a very unattractive trait and the vast majority of people dislike this kind of personality. It's irritating.

People who are 'too nice' shouldn't feel bad. It's the ones taking advantage knowingly of your kindness that should be feeling bad.

Don't be afraid to say no. You don't even need to give a reason why not to be honest.

The people saying you are “too nice” will be saying it out of frustration because yet again you are complaining to them about doing something for someone

By contrast, OP, I got told I wasn’t sweet enough in an annual appraisal about 20 years ago. I laughed. But she was serious (this from the woman who screamed “shut up you f@&*ing c£%t” at her sales director).

I have verrrrrry firm boundaries, many of which I learned to uphold on here. “No is a complete sentence”, for example.

Out of the four of us who do my current job, one does not know how to say no and IMO is a doormat/martyr/suck up, the other two are easy going but tend to say yes for an easy life (and because they are indoctrinated into saying yes even when they want to say no by the bully who used to manage our team) and then there is me who draws all the fire and fights all the battles. I recently got us all out of a huge time suck of a request from a colleague by just repeating “no, don’t have time” and “which bit of the job my client pays me to do would you like me not to do in order to work for you and how will you break that news to them (you cheeky fu&£er)?”. The other three were convinced I would get the sack for holding the line - and i mean absolutely shitting themselves at what I was doing. Turns out the cheeky fu€%er moved on to his next soft touch and we have been left alone.

Less fear of what people will think, be sure that your reasoning for saying no is bulletproof and start small.

Say no to easy things first. Don’t feel you have to give an immediate answer, gather your armoury of why you can’t do whatever it is and stick to your guns.

@RiRaAgusRuailleBuaille

No is a complete sentence”, for example.

please say you havent actually said that in RL??

The worst thing I experienced with a 'too nice' person I loved and trusted, was when I was having a really bad time and had a decision to make. I asked for advice and she agreed with me. Said I was definitely doing the right thing etc etc. I did the thing, it was definitely not the right thing and my 'too nice' friend said sheepishly 'yeah I didn't think it was the right thing' - was 'too nice' to disagree with me or give me an honest opinion.
Obviously don't blame her for my poor decision making, but I've never looked at her the same.

I feel the same @Animalmama I find it near impossible to say no . I also find it impossible to ask for help. I think things like i don't want them to feel upset or disappointed so I will do xyz for them. Then even when people are unkind to me I'm still kind to them because I don't want them to feel how they made me feel.

I was fortunate that my employer in my 20s sent all female staff on assertiveness courses and I still use techniques we were taught. As I have got older my boundaries have got even stronger.

I have no trouble saying no, no trouble standing up for things and have a reputation for being fair but taking no bullshit.

It does take a bit of practice but the benefits are huge.

Hi I’m going to massively paraphrase because I have no idea where I read it, I just tried googling it but that came back with nothing! If anyone knows please tell me.

If you ask a little girl what pizza she’d like she’ll directly say what she wants - Ham & Pineapple.

When she gets older she will say I don’t mind what do you think?

Older still she’ll say ‘You choose I’ll only have a bit/I’m not bothered’

The point is - women are conditioned to make ourselves smaller, saying we don’t mind, we can fit in. The thing is, bending over backwards to not make a fuss or to be seen as easy going can actually do more harm than good. I think about this pizza thing often and remind myself to make choices and to not make myself smaller.

What, said “no” and left it at that? Millions of times. I’ve never said “no is a complete sentence” as a reply to being asked something, I’m not a muppet. I have said it to my mum (also a martyr) when trying to coach her to stop being a doormat for the rest of the family. But luckily she’s got a brain cell and knows not to parrot “no is a complete sentence” like a robot clone of her daughter. 🙄

That is what I asked because you said you’d learned expressions you’d read on mumsnet like “no is a complete sentence”

I have verrrrrry firm boundaries, many of which I learned to uphold on here. “No is a complete sentence”, for example.

so you can surely see why one might think you’d said that

But that’s not ‘nice’ at all. That’s being a people-pleaser. Doing things you don’t want to do on a regular basis because you’re too afraid of the consequences if you say no (that people will cease to regard you as terribly ‘nice’). As a result, some people regard you as a service human while others are put off your lack of boundaries and poor self-esteem, as you scramble around ‘helping’ and actively sponsoring your own exploitation.

Extra shifts? And you donate your earnings to them too?

The only time I’ve said to someone “you’re too nice!” Is when I’ve been feeling up to the back teeth of their endless whinging and martyrdom about doing pretty basic stuff for people ie picking up a friend’s daughter when friend broke down on motorway . Once. Once!

As soon as you start standing up to people and being firm, you will feel better. And oddly, people seem to like and respect you more for it.

A lot of posters are being a bit harsh OP. I am a people pleaser too. Maybe not to the same extent as you but I hate confrontation and I'm not very good at speaking up for myself. Probably something to do with the way we were brought up. Nature and nurture plays a part. It is very hard to change your personality, years of ingrained thought. I agree with another poster with responses like maybe and let me think about that and I'll get back to you. I'm much braver via text so take time to think and then send the person a message. Also if a friend hasn't been great towards you make yourself unavailable for a while and hopefully they will appreciate your worth.

People who martyr themselves in this way are actually quite tiresome to be around. You aren’t being yourself when you are agreeing to whatever other people want/need. Hence, disingenuous.

This is key to it. “Niceness” is something which to many people comes across as a kind of fraud or manipulation.

Anyone who accepts and likes everything is obviously not being honest with themselves or others and it’s unsettling to be around.

It may be a reaction to trauma or anxiety but it’s impossible to build trust with people who are incessantly “nice”: it’s hard to believe they are who they say they are.

Why do you have to be nice?
I used to be ‘nice’ - it was in the hope people would like me as people generally didn’t.
Turns out I have adhd so engaging eye contact for example is difficult for me hence people avoided me. Could see I was different.

Work out why you are ‘nice’ -why the need to be superficially liked - was it your upbringing? Sibling rivalry? Work that out and life will be easier.

This is really true.

There's always a point at which you realise someone isn't saying yes to you because they care about you or like you. They would also say yes to their awful boss, to someone they'd met once, to a cardboard cutout. And finding out what they want is like squeezing blood out of a stone because they're so unrelentingly passive.

I have a colleague like this - we work in different time zones and part of our work overlaps. He will always, always start his day by asking what I need help with, as opposed to just starting something and telling me it's off my plate.

But no one can control anyone else’s actions, only their own. Whether or not people continually ask you for help, or extra work shifts, is not in your control. All you can deal with is how you respond. No one is coercing the OP, so the comparison with an abusive relationship doesn’t work. She needs to recognise that she is an equal partner in the dynamic. These friends she ‘cares so much about’ that she’s prepared to allow herself to be there only when needed as a listening ear — why? ‘Too nice’, or unprepared to deal with the consequences of requiring others to see her as anything other than compliant?