DH annoyed at new neighbour ‘kiss’

[Niceeyes]

Just to start it wasn’t a full on ‘kiss’

we recently bought a new property and the neighbour came around to introduce himself, I answered the door (for context there is a resident association and he is the director and I had spoken to this man once before regarding the rules for the building) and he introduced himself and kissed me on both cheeks….
DH was in the hallway then went into the living room seething at what he saw.

I went into the living room afterwards abs ge said what the hell was that all about. That I was out if order letting a strange man kiss me and that I was disrespectful to him and that moving forward I have set the bar to this man.

i told him he’s being ridiculous and what was I supposed ti do.
we have been together 7 years and occasionally he shows this bad trait.

what do you think of my story? Aibu or is he??
hes given me the silent treatment for almost 24hrs now and he’s taken himself to the spare room

I keep second guessing myself, maybe I should have stood back?
he also hurt his back moving furniture in the flat and has been walking around like an old man expecting sympathy… after he spoke to me he way he did.,I’ve offered him paracetamol and water but I’m not dropping to my knees fir him after he treated me so badly… yes he has form … I have never ever given him reason to be jealous … his ex cheated on him so I’m guessing he’s treating me with the same possible outcome

Ps I now have a glass wine 🥳

Oh this is the worry - you shouldn't have to watch what you do/say or change your behaviour just to keep him happy. His possessiveness is irrational and unhealthy. Please think carefully about continuing this relationship - it will probably get worse and grind you down, he is chipping away your independence and confidence 😔

Thank you, I just wanted to understand what you meant

You are probably right….. I am continuing to make more money and put myself in a position where I’m not dependant on him

You have probably identified why he is like this. Insecurity on his part. But... There is no justification for assuming you will treat him the way his ex did. You cannot spend your life tiptoeing round him, trying not to annoy him. Either he gets himself into counselling and deals with his trust issues or he is going to find himself with another marriage ending.

None of this is on you @Niceeyes NONE OF IT!!

Stop second guessing and stop beating yourself up.

No you shouldn’t have stepped back. Unless at that moment YOU wanted to. You have agency. You are your own person and you are free to do whatever you what whenever you want. Of course you’ll step back next time won’t you? And so you will have been trained by him yet again. The coercive control continues.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful caring person. Enjoy your glass of wine and stop
worrying about that arsehole. You deserve better.

Personally I’d start selling his gifts and squirrelling money away and use it to either treat yourself to a weekend away from him or as a long term escape fund. Don’t let him
buy your loyalty and don’t let him bully you either.

That’s very helpful advice… thank you

Sure, I am ND and would also hate it. In fact I put my hand up and say "no" when someone tries.
Being an expat and socialising with loads of different cultures has shown me that many people see it as standard.
I also don't do hugs.

OP should definitely be able to say she doesn't like something. That is valid.

Her DH being so angry about it isn't okay. It is controlling and weird. His reaction is not valid at all.

I’ll just leave this here. I’d pay particular attention to the using isolation section if I were you. If he is behaving in any other abusive ways I’d recommend getting out safely asap. If it’s literally just these behaviours it may be worth highlighting to him (by showing him this image) that what he is doing is domestically abusive and seeing what he says. I’d hope it would be a turning point for him. Any minimisation, deflection etc though and that will tell you all you need to know about how likely he is to change.

If that happened to me my husband would laugh and say something like he was forward! And if I looked uncomfortable at all, he’d ask “are you ok, did he make you feel uncomfortable?” to gauge how I was feeling. If someone really stepped out of line, he’d deal with it in a way I wouldn’t have to worry about it again - and no that doesn’t mean resorting to violence. He’d use his big boy words before he ever needed to resort to that.

I know this because I’ve had ACTUAL situations where someone has behaved inappropriately - not some random clumsily introducing himself thinking he’s European and fancy. (Or maybe the dude is actually European?!)

your husband is a child. And if you’re tiptoeing around him he’s likely abusive/narcissistic and he’s probably doing this all the time in little ways but you’re so used to it you only see the big episodes. Or you’ve got so good at tiptoeing you don’t piss him off all the time. It will only escalate. It always does.

@Niceeyes So, just to be clear OP, you've been abused by two men - one you've never met before who kisses you on both cheeks without your consent, and the other who blames you for being the recipient of two non-consensual cheek kisses, like you're his property. Wow, imagine if a woman could make her own decisions about what she finds acceptable? Tell both these men to behave themselves.

hes given me the silent treatment for almost 24hrs now and he’s taken himself to the spare room

Oh dear, you have bigger problems than the neighbour coming round to say hello.

I would have backed away from a strange man's cheek kiss though even though it's normal where I live when you are friends.

He is being unreasonable. It is pretty standard in my friendship, acquaintances group, I'm in the south east but I suppose not a regular thing with complete strangers. My DH would probably think it was funny in that context, he would definitely not be jealous, I had an anonymous Valentine's day card and he wasn't jealous just curious, then again we are in our early to mid-40s and have been together for a long time. Maybe when he was a younger man her would be more aware but certainly not jealous or silent treatment!

The kiss was so sadden I really didn’t have a reaction time.:.. yes agree we probably have bigger problems, he usually has a coffee with me in the morning before we both go off for work but if he has the ache he’ll leave before I get up… so basically I’ll know in the morning the status quo

Actually, a hug is more normal with good friends where I am.

I live in an apartment block.

New neighbour? A pleasant hello would be fine, I'm Fred, live downstairs, we have a hall way cleaning guy who comes in once a month, you'll get the info and payment request when the kitty is empty in an envelope in your post box.

Job done. Thanks neighbour.

Tell DH that foreigners (eg French, Italians ETC) do that sort of thing all the time and he should get out more - meet a more cosmopolitan crowd SO HE IS NOT SHOCKED AND OFFENDED BY ''others''. Has he always lived within the same 10 km ?

Do you have a screwdriver? I'd be popping a bolt on my door so he stays in 'his room' until he can treat you with respect.
Odious twunt.

This with bells on .... he sounds like an abusive Misogynist.... your life will be much happier without him.

Well, you don't if you're walking on eggshells

You know that's not normal, don't you?

Get out when you can

A man kissed you on the cheek and your DH is blaming you instead of asking if you are ok, or do you need his support. He says you were disrespectful to him.
This is a red flag for jealousy and controlling behaviour. He sees you as a possession, not an individual person. If you do decide to leave him, get advice on how to do so safely, and don't tell him you are leaving until you have left.

He sounds a bit...... Well, either dim or sheltered. Not a life partner, anyway. That's for sure!

Neighbour over stepoed the line he has never met you and doesnt know you. Is he french? Why the kisses to a stranger? That's a red flag from him.

And I know what you mean it cant be helped your like a deer in headlights. So your husband shouldn't be so reactive. Thats horrible. Instead he should have advised you. Next time you see him two the man that. You weren't and not comfortable with that sort of physical contact.
His reactions is OTT and concerning.

OP, that's so sad that you've lost you. You might not have money if you break up but you could rediscover you.

He is being ridiculous. Some people do greet people with a kiss, what did he expect you to do? He is being ridiculous and yes abusive with the silent treatment.