To feel so lonely visiting my parents

[lonelydaughter]

I grew up in a wealthy but emotionally distant family. My parents would say things like “I love you” and ask for kisses when we did see each other, but those moments were brief. They preferred to spend their free time reading or watching TV rather than actively engaging with me. If I wanted to be around them, it was on their terms: I’d go to their room or office, where they’d continue their activities while I quietly sat nearby. If I didn’t want to do that, I’d just go to my own room and play alone. The living room was rarely used.

Now, as grandparents, they want me to visit, but only for short periods. They’ll happily see my daughter (she’s 3) at mealtimes, but outside of that, they’re back to their books and screens. If I suggest an outing, like a trip to the farm, they decline because she’s “too young,” might have a tantrum, or walks too slowly, cries unpredictably. Their version of spending time with her is letting her climb on their bed or sofa while they scroll on their phones or read, occasionally swatting her away if she blocks the screen. They might put on some music for her to dance to or at best read her a short book, but after an hour of hanging out, it’s, “Alright, maybe go outside before we all go mad?” Even a simple walk is out of the question: she walks too slowly, stops too much, gets distracted by everything.

I feel guilty for not visiting more because I know they’d be sad. When we are there, they shower us with “I’ve missed you,” “Give me a kiss,” “I love you both so much,” and “You’re the best daughter and granddaughter.” But the reality is, every visit leaves me feeling lonely and exhausted. I’m solo parenting 22 hours a day, just without the support of friends like I have at home and without seeing my husband in the evening if I visit during the week when he works.

To avoid a drip feed, they are incredibly generous financially, they’ve helped me buy a house, promised to cover my daughter’s private school fees, and often give large gifts for birthdays and holidays.

By contrast, my in-laws don’t have a huge house, but DH’s childhood was filled with stories of quality time together. With our daughter, they’re the same—they’ll get on the floor to play, make crafts, read, tell stories, and sing songs. They’d love to go to the farm with us and often do. The difference is stark and it makes me feel so let down. I don't know whether to cut down the visits and disappoint my parents, or keep it up but be unhappy every visit.

It sounds like they're just not that interested in children, even if they happen to be related to them. My parents were similar. They showed love through buying us stuff rather than interacting with us. Yes, it would be nice if your parents shared the burden of childcare, but dealing with toddlers evidently isn't their forte and you can't change that.

Yes cut down the visits because they sound so terrible but I am sure the hand will be out asking for money

You sound rather entitled to be honest

This!
You are phenomenally fortunate, @lonelydaughter to have this massive financial support.

agreed

I think I have to agree with other posters OO, take the rough with the smooth. They are very financially supportive which my own wealthy parents have never been and will never be (they were far more unpleasant than your parents too in many ways). It's not ideal how they are and I can see how they should've made more of an effort but....they are offering you massive financial support and are at least loving seeing you even if rubbish at the kiddie stuff. If my parents could be that straightforwardly annoying I'd appreciate it more than the snips weird comments I frequently get (I'm low contact for good reason).

They are lonely, but they don't want to get close to you, and sometimes when you come, they feel that you are wasting their time. I think it's better not to go.

I can see it’s frustrating but I would radically accept them as they are. DH got hugs, you got money, no-one gets everything. Take books for when you visit and see if you can find local toddler groups to make contact in the local area.

This is what I thought. Leave home9.30/10 ish.get to theirs by midday. Have lunch , spend a couple of hours leave about 3 and be home by the time your husband is back from work

Go for shorter visits and only when your DH can also go.

Yanbu to want more playfulness but given their generosity if I were you I would keep it sweet and continue and try to accept how they are. They clearly love her. People express that in different ways.

They seem unduly afraid of a tantrum though, what’s that about?!

I’m sure this situation has been posted about before, by you OP? You focus a lot on money. It’s not the source of love or emotions. Your parents and in-laws would behave the same regardless of their financial situations. Maybe try accepting people as they are - you can’t change them, change your expectations - you might feel less unsatisfied with your lot.

Ahh OP I feel for you. Having your own family really opens up your eyes to question your own upbringing and it can be confronting. Some of my own and DHs childhood experiences were very questionable and I've found this difficult to think about as a now parent, even though I never have it much thought before.

That being said, I'd discuss this with your parents and tell them you want more interaction but at the same time accepting that they're probably doing and giving you all they can. Sometimes it's easier to accept people are just the way they are and more often than not, won't change.

It is disappointing and frustrating when youve made an effort and want to share the enjoyment your lovely child only to feel your parents seem indifferent. It's also difficult if it reminds you of your own childhood. But they are what they are, there are some positives there, they clearly do love you. You need to decide what works for you in terms of how long you stay etc and accept them as people. I think describing yourself as solo parenting is a bit much, but I know it's disappointing when you think you might get a bit of a break to find help unforthcoming.

I guess you feel like you have to visit due to the financial support, and you are incredibly fortunate to have that. But it illustrates that love and time is more valuable to you than money. Sounds like you won’t change them, so you need to accept them for who they are, and maybe it will change as your DD gets older. But a few less visits should be fine. I guess you need to maintain this relationship if you want the financial benefits of school fees.

Agree with PP about just go for the day. A 2 hour journey (so 4 hours in total travel in one day) is v doable. My parents and DH parents v similar to what you describe and we had older parents and three rambunctious toddlers. You need to be more proactive in managing the time together: figure out what is tolerable for all of you and do that. We had parents who loved our kids in theory but struggled to be with them for more than 20 minutes. Let go of the grief that they were not the parents you wish they had been and are not the grandparents you wish they were and work with what you have. They clearly love you and DD; don’t throw that away even if it doesn’t look like your ideal. Instead find a formula that makes seeing each other easier for you to manage.

I get it. With or without kids I'd struggle to motivate myself to go and stay with someone who couldn't be bothered to interact with me for more than a few hours of the visit. Definitely cut back or see if you can get away with day trips.

I think your husbands family and your daughter have revealed a deep sadness from your own childhood and you should consider working through this in therapy. I think they’re an unusual standoffish cold couple and it would be very difficult to be their daughter. At the same time, they probably come from a similar. Don’t try to change them, it would be very hurtful. Instead try and find your own, warmer circle.

Op, i can imagine your in laws feel bad as they can't contribute financially, like your parents do.
You are so lucky, your have his parents there emotionally and yours there financially.

You can’t ask people to be different people. Be grateful for the financial help your parents give you. Be grateful for the emotional support that your in-laws give you.

It's obvious that she wants them to actually engage with their grandaughter, rather than swatting her away if she gets in the way.

It's actually pretty rude to be constantly on screens when people are visiting you.

I have scanned the thread and, quite frankly, I don’t have much sympathy. Stop whining and whingeing for goodness sake. You are very lucky with both sets of parents.
Help with a buying a house and private school fees paid? What more do you want? Do you know how difficult some people’s lives are?
It is you who needs to change, not your parents.

If they are completely unwilling to engage with you and their grandaughter when you visit, why would they be upset if you stopped visiting so often? You are obviously finding it upsetting and are probably worried that your daughter will find the rejection distressing when she is a bit older.

You mentioned visiting your grandparents with your nanny. Did your parents basically outsource their parenting responsibilities to paid staff?

If you raised this with them, how would they react? Would it be easier to just pull away gradually?

This is what I think too.

And as a child, OP had no option other than accepting their behaviour. As an adult she has choices and she is asking whether she would be unreasonable to visit less often as the visits are not enjoyable either for her or her daughter.

Yes. But she can't change them now into people who like kids and get down on the floor to play bears. They are clearly people who prefer to work on their investments and without that, OP would be sunk.

Personally I think if you are going to accept this level of financial support from your parents, you need to take the rough with the smooth, as posters said. After all, everyday I see complaints about boomer parents not being generous with their money. Otherwise, send your kid to state, do without holidays and go no contact.