To feel so lonely visiting my parents

[lonelydaughter]

I grew up in a wealthy but emotionally distant family. My parents would say things like “I love you” and ask for kisses when we did see each other, but those moments were brief. They preferred to spend their free time reading or watching TV rather than actively engaging with me. If I wanted to be around them, it was on their terms: I’d go to their room or office, where they’d continue their activities while I quietly sat nearby. If I didn’t want to do that, I’d just go to my own room and play alone. The living room was rarely used.

Now, as grandparents, they want me to visit, but only for short periods. They’ll happily see my daughter (she’s 3) at mealtimes, but outside of that, they’re back to their books and screens. If I suggest an outing, like a trip to the farm, they decline because she’s “too young,” might have a tantrum, or walks too slowly, cries unpredictably. Their version of spending time with her is letting her climb on their bed or sofa while they scroll on their phones or read, occasionally swatting her away if she blocks the screen. They might put on some music for her to dance to or at best read her a short book, but after an hour of hanging out, it’s, “Alright, maybe go outside before we all go mad?” Even a simple walk is out of the question: she walks too slowly, stops too much, gets distracted by everything.

I feel guilty for not visiting more because I know they’d be sad. When we are there, they shower us with “I’ve missed you,” “Give me a kiss,” “I love you both so much,” and “You’re the best daughter and granddaughter.” But the reality is, every visit leaves me feeling lonely and exhausted. I’m solo parenting 22 hours a day, just without the support of friends like I have at home and without seeing my husband in the evening if I visit during the week when he works.

To avoid a drip feed, they are incredibly generous financially, they’ve helped me buy a house, promised to cover my daughter’s private school fees, and often give large gifts for birthdays and holidays.

By contrast, my in-laws don’t have a huge house, but DH’s childhood was filled with stories of quality time together. With our daughter, they’re the same—they’ll get on the floor to play, make crafts, read, tell stories, and sing songs. They’d love to go to the farm with us and often do. The difference is stark and it makes me feel so let down. I don't know whether to cut down the visits and disappoint my parents, or keep it up but be unhappy every visit.

I agree with this.

Your parents appear to be successful financially and are very generous with you. You have a very comfortable life substantially funded by them with a husband that does not work that very hard (9-5?). I am not sure you have a job yourself so perhaps you think money grows on trees. To you, money is cheap compared to time and warmth.

Now consider how life would look for you and your family if your parents withdrew all their gifts and financial support and gave you and dd your time and attention instead, like your ILs? Do you have any concep what it is like to worry about rent/mortgage, bills, schools, cost of living and having to go out to work and afford childcare, with your husband going for promotions and getting a longer hours higher paying job to support his family? That latter is what 95% of all families have to do. Life is one big compromise, feeling exhausted all the time and treading water.

So think about your woes and cold parents and tell us they fall short.

There is the phrase you don't know you were born.

If you aren’t enjoying it and they aren’t forming close bonds with your DD, why would you go? Do you think they’re going to get better as DD gets older? Do you miss them?

I would explain to them that it’s too far for you to go just for a meal. Try to do this without getting upset when you explain it. Just be matter of fact. “The meals are lovely, Dad, but then we’re just hanging out while you browse the phones and it’s really not welcoming, nor much fun. You get that they don’t like to change their routine, but it’s not working for you. Suggest the meeting half way again, or ask them down to yours if that’s agreeable. They might agree to it if they know you aren’t going to give in and do it all on their terms. But it’s up to them if they don’t want to. You’ve done plenty of slogging up the motorway just to be ignored. You don’t have to do that.

If you miss them but don’t enjoy going with DD, maybe go on your own on the odd weekend when DH can look after DD.

I would just put up with it. Definitely worth it for all the financial help.

I'm also slightly confused by how you've described your set up.

It sounds like your husband works 9-5 and you're a SAHM to a 3yo.

Where does the 22 hours of 'solo parenting' come in?

Someone replied to my confusion too, OP is solo-parenting for 22 hours when she visits her parents because they're only spending 2 hours with them. It sounds like she expects babysitting whilst she's there. If she were a single parent I could understand visiting the grandparents for an occasional bit of help, but that doesn't sound like the situation of this SAHM. Her parents provide financially and his parents provide emotionally. That sounds lovely, what a lucky setup.

I understand feeling upset at how your parents treated you and now having to face that with them being the same way as grandparents. I would gently discuss it with them as they may not realise. I would make suggestions and try to build up family activities, it sounds like they might do more with a slightly older child. Some people are very set in their ways, my parents will never change so I decided it was better to keep the peace and accept them as it is rather than not have them at all.

@emanresu24 ah OK, still seems a strange choice of words, especially since they presumably sleep within that 22 hour period too.

@lonelydaughter I can understand why you don't enjoy these visits. My parents live a similar distance and if I made the trip for them only to sit on their phones/watch TV I would be disappointed too.

If you feel comfortable doing so, perhaps you can tell them how you're feeling? That you want to see them but it's not that much fun for you/your daughter because you don't actually do anything (and if you do you end up doing it by yourself anyway).

Is it an option for them to visit you instead? Assuming no mobility issues it's easier to travel as two adults vs. one adult and a 3yo. That way your daughter would be surrounded by her own toys, books, etc and if your parents did need a break at any point there are more activities nearby for you/your friends.

You're not going to make them into something they are not. I guess if they were completely different with their granddaughter to how they were with you then you would be asking why.

You do come across as a little bit entitled. At first I thought you were a single parent. Then you mentioned your DH.

You have a choice, cut down the visits and potentially cut off your money supply. I mean paying for houses and school fees is quite some support. Many people would put up with a bit less interaction for that.

They're not engaging with her in the way you'd like

But they bought you a house and will pay for education??

I'd shut up, personally

You're not solo parenting if you're married

I'm struggling to find much sympathy, tbh

My parents are lovely people, and I know they love me, but when I had my first baby they came to stay for a week and spent their time in the kitchen making meals. When I had my second baby, they did the same. I remember saying 'could you just please take (older child- toddler) for a walk?' when they went out for one. In contrast, my in laws were very different and more involved. I don't take it personally, it might be about the way they were brought up. I'm no way a perfect parent, but I try and spend quality time with my now teens as much as I can, whereas as a teen I was living pretty much a separate life from my parents.

Visiting grandparents isn’t amazing for a lot of people, tbh. I’m about to visit my Dad with my DS (16). My Dad has lifelong mental health issues so isn’t an easy person to be with Essentially, we’re going to be cleaning and tidying, preparing meals and doing exactly what my Dad wants. DS will go for runs to have a break and I’ll go out for some walk and a coffee when Dad is resting (he’s elderly).

Just make the best of it, OP. At least you still have both parents and their financial generosity isn’t to be sniffed at either. They’re not perfect, but they’re not horrible.

Op you sound extremely indiulged and entitled to be honest. Your parents by all accounts are loving, generous, affectionate and invite you to lunch and on paid for holidays and you are annoyed because they don’t run a full crafts programme for your toddler?! Honestly you have lost all touch with reality.

They sound fantastic and you are very very lucky to have them.

Store some toys at their house for your dd to play with and stop judging them because your expectations are just ridiculously sky high.

I think often when we have children it nudges us to think about our own childhoods and family life and for you OP that has brought you some sadness. It's ok to process that, talk it through with people (not your parents) and frame a mental response.

On the plus side, your parents are generous and you don't appear to doubt that they love you. That is valuable and rarer than you might think. So you can put that firmly in your stock of "useful things to carry through your life".

On the negative side, you experience them distancing themselves from you. Who knows why. There's probably a reason somewhere for that to be their comfortable level of interaction, one that they themselves might not be able to figure out. They certainly wouldn't have had all the answers when they themselves became parents.

But, into your back pocket it goes, along with their love, and now you figure out what to do with it. Accept it, use it as a starting point to consider what the family life you are building independent of them looks like, think of ways you can fruitfully spend time with your dd there as she gets older, something else? The choice is yours OP.

Try not to compare them unfavourably with your husband's parents, especially since they love you. I'm sure his parents have faults too, we all do.

They are introverts. Toddlers are kind of exhausting. My parents could manage a small amount of time when mine were little and never once offered to babysit.Honestly I just accepted it.I think you get what you get with how your parents are with your kids and you just deal with it. Few have the fantasy grandparents from what I see.

I agree with others. When it comes to childcare it is your own responsibility. Especially as they are financing so much of your life. They done more then anyone else would.
When I visit my parents alone I do all the work myself. My parents entertain my DC but I do the hard stuff, bedtime alone, toileting, bathing, feeding, organizing any outings and prepping. I do appreciate my husband much more when I return home as he dies so much. But I never expect my parents to pick up the slack. Sometimes they offer and I always accept graciously.

My Dad now in his late 70s has become more recluse so he gets tired out with DC after a few hours and he wants to zone out reading / scrolling. That's fine. He has worked hard his entire life and gave us a good life so he deserves to spend his retirement doing what pleases him and spends his day hiwever he likes. I wouksnt stop visiting for that reason it is silly.

Agree and the other way around. The parents get a mix if personalities with their. Children. Not something they can change.

I am a fellow introvert and I can understand how they are.

I hear you OP. There is a conflict between the advantages that come with being well financially supported but poorly emotionally supported.

I have had alot of professional support and being given persmission to grieve for the loss of a secure parental relationship helped me grow up and move on. There is nothing I can do to make my parents happy or change our relationship from a seemingly tense, uncaring and sometimes downright cold unless my parents see the situation as I do.

I find watching "Inside Out" was really useful for understanding why it is important to feel sadness/sorrow about things we can't change.

I guess the questions would be: Are they emotionally engaged with others? Do they have intimate best friends? Have you ever tried to gently broach the subject? Is it possible that they're just not big on conversation?
Well, no matter what, you're not likely to change them at this point. The only thing you can do is to visit less (can you get them to visit you instead?) and keep reminding yourself of all the ways they've been good to you.

I'm sorry OP, it must definitely be hard seeing the difference between your parents and hearing about your partner's upbringing.

I guess all you can do is gently say something like 'it would really mean a lot to me and DC if you would give them your full attention today (can throw in some detail about the damaging effect of being ignored in favour of screens etc if you want)

Such a shame... they're only little once and surely part of the joy of taking them on a walk, them going slowly is that you notice the little things through their eyes again...

They're missing out on a lot...

You can say this with kindness whilst impressing you're very grateful for the financial help they give you x

They sound great to me, no one's perfect. Maybe just accept them for who they are? There doing their best, wishing they were different won't help.

This will probably change when Dd is older. Imagine her being ?7 and old enough to sit at the table nicely.
i would travel there and back in a day. Or are there playgroups or similar where they live and you can plan visits around some event where they live.
They seem pretty cold but I doubt you can change them.

I agree with others that accepting your parents for who they are is honestly the best approach for you. I’ve also gone through periods of comparing my DH’s upbringing with mine and it doesn't help tbh.

Make the most of your relationship and it’s also possible that your parents will engage more as your DD gets older. My Dad gets on well with DS, they have some interests in common and DS is so good with him.

Maybe they will want to be more involved as your daughter gets older... Might be too late though

I got the feeling, reading some of the things you quoted them as saying, that they are trying to tell you in an oblique way that they don't love your child's behaviour and/or the way you deal with it.

I’m amazed at people having a go at you @lonelydaughter My parents are simmlar…sadly without the wealth. They’ve chucked us a few thousand pounds for each DC so I feel a bit obligated to see them but not to same extent. I had hoped grandchildren would bring us closer…and my mum is very happy to chat on phone and coo over pictures but they don’t really want to interact with kids. It’s made me sad too as it reminds me of what a rubbish childhood I had. Being a parent generally has brought up a lot of feelings for me about my own upbringing. I don’t really understand or connect with my parents. If you’ve not already I’d suggest therapy and The Book you’ll wish your parents had read. I think accept what they are offering and make the trips more palatable. Someone else suggests go with DH Sat afternoon to Sun lunchtime. Or would they fund and take you on holiday somewhere you could have stuff to do and they could relax and read their books?