To feel so lonely visiting my parents

[lonelydaughter]

I grew up in a wealthy but emotionally distant family. My parents would say things like “I love you” and ask for kisses when we did see each other, but those moments were brief. They preferred to spend their free time reading or watching TV rather than actively engaging with me. If I wanted to be around them, it was on their terms: I’d go to their room or office, where they’d continue their activities while I quietly sat nearby. If I didn’t want to do that, I’d just go to my own room and play alone. The living room was rarely used.

Now, as grandparents, they want me to visit, but only for short periods. They’ll happily see my daughter (she’s 3) at mealtimes, but outside of that, they’re back to their books and screens. If I suggest an outing, like a trip to the farm, they decline because she’s “too young,” might have a tantrum, or walks too slowly, cries unpredictably. Their version of spending time with her is letting her climb on their bed or sofa while they scroll on their phones or read, occasionally swatting her away if she blocks the screen. They might put on some music for her to dance to or at best read her a short book, but after an hour of hanging out, it’s, “Alright, maybe go outside before we all go mad?” Even a simple walk is out of the question: she walks too slowly, stops too much, gets distracted by everything.

I feel guilty for not visiting more because I know they’d be sad. When we are there, they shower us with “I’ve missed you,” “Give me a kiss,” “I love you both so much,” and “You’re the best daughter and granddaughter.” But the reality is, every visit leaves me feeling lonely and exhausted. I’m solo parenting 22 hours a day, just without the support of friends like I have at home and without seeing my husband in the evening if I visit during the week when he works.

To avoid a drip feed, they are incredibly generous financially, they’ve helped me buy a house, promised to cover my daughter’s private school fees, and often give large gifts for birthdays and holidays.

By contrast, my in-laws don’t have a huge house, but DH’s childhood was filled with stories of quality time together. With our daughter, they’re the same—they’ll get on the floor to play, make crafts, read, tell stories, and sing songs. They’d love to go to the farm with us and often do. The difference is stark and it makes me feel so let down. I don't know whether to cut down the visits and disappoint my parents, or keep it up but be unhappy every visit.

Well sorry I haven’t read every single one of your very insightful posts.

NC is extreme - we’re NC with DH’s side. It’s not generally something you just do because of a small issue - AIBU to go NC because my parents can only play with DD for an hour at a time? Yes, on the face of it YABU.

It’s not go NC or keep things as they are, those aren’t the only options.

You sound a little bit spoilt tbh. You are supported financially by your DH and your parents.
Your parents are presumably enjoying a well earned retirement, they see you and your child regularly and pay for a good chunk of your life.
I have 2 DCs and never enjoyed rolling around on the floor with them ! Young children are exhausting no matter how cute and it's totally ok to have limited energy for other people's kids.
You do sound a bit lonely, can you get back to some kind of work?

Have you had any counselling for this? With respect it does sound like you could do with it. As from what you have said it sounds like you may have some of the problem and have too high expectations of how your parents should be grandparents and a different love language to your parents.

Have you ever looked up 5 languages of love? People can show and need love in different ways. Sounds like your parents found very similar in each other - gifts and words of affirmation occasionally. Where as you sound like perhaps you needed some love shown as quality time, physical touch and acts of service to feel loved.

So I think counselling would benefit you to work out if you feel unloved and lonely due to your parents truly being cold, or as I suspect just a slight mismatch in love styles and need for interaction (plus they are old and set in their ways now).

Just to also add a lot of parents don’t transition into the grandparents we imagine. They have done their time as parents and some simply don’t want or have energy to be hands on grandparents. That is fine! To be honest I would have loved quite sensible grandparents to curl up and read a book with. And if they wanted to help me buy a house even better.

So I’d hate for you to cut your parents out of your life or cause unnecessary drama only for you yourself to reach say 65 and become a grandparent and realise you are making excuses not to do the 1:1 grand parenting or big days out. What a shame that’d be as of course they’ll be long gone and your chance to say I love you back and buy them a small gift of appreciation for all the ways they did love and support you would be gone. And perhaps all you’ll have left is regret that you didn’t appreciate what you did have in your parents.

You also might be surprised if one of your own children need different love than you and become a bit needy if you don’t feel connected as they grow up. Better to work this out now and see if you can work on acceptance of different styles of love and gratitude for what you have got- rather than what you haven’t.

But it's for one night, does the OP have to be entertained and doing something non stop because it sounds like it?

I can see both sides here.

You don't seem to be listening to what they want at all. They're clearly quiet, introverted people who want space. That's surely allowed isn't it? In your example above, why not just go out with just your dd and you then? A 3 yr old is happy with a stick and a puddle and there's parks everywhere.

It sounds like you crave company at all times. Well, they crave no company some times. Neither is wrong nor right.

Where I'm on your side though, is that I think it brings up unhappy memories of your childhood, which is why you're reacting so strongly.

If your childhood was lovely, you would genuinely just be saying 'come on poppet, let's give grandma and grandad sone space, back in a few hours' and not think anything of it. Unless you're entitled/spoilt but it's more likely past trauma.

Also, it isn't right to happily take their money, whilst you're clearly only keeping up contact for it.

Ok. Insightfully, OP has 3 options:
Visit less often
Visit with husband
Not visit at all

All have been suggested on this thread.

This!

I also think if OP was posting about her in-laws she might get slightly different responses.

The OP acknowledges the financial help and privilege that brings, but is struggling with the emotional distance and lack of engagement in her life/ her daughter’s life. They demand their presence and beg for visits then refuse to actually spend any time with them once there - leaving OP feeling very lonely, a way she was made to feel her entire childhood - and because there’s money involved it’s all ‘oh be grateful, people grandparent differently’.

OP next time they’re asking you to go and stay, can you not just raise this - gently at first. Just say ‘ah thanks mum, the thing is she’s at a stage where she really needs to be kept occupied and out and about, that’s so much harder for me when we’re away from our own home and her toys and friends and regular activities, and it seems to be too much for you guys too. I end up spending most of the day on my own with her which is lonely for me, and we worry that we’re just encroaching on your peace and free time which I know is so important to you. So much as we’d love to see you, we might leave it this time’.

It's worth remembering there are many families who visit grandparents in nursing homes /hospital and they are not in a situation to help financially or emotionally. I think you need to count your blessings and make what you have work rather than moaning about the very fortunate life you have.

@AliasGrape
But. As you get older you get tireder. I am a billion times tireder at 50 than I was at 30. I can only imagine this carries on getting worse. 2 hours a day with a 3 yr old IS quite a lot of time I would say.

So you're not a solo parent, DH doesn't work long hours, you don't work & your parents throw money at you. Have I got that right?

I have 2 grandchildren( aged 3 and 1). I am a hands on granny with a house full of toys and look after them for 10 hours every Monday and do lots of other sleepovers and other days . My DILs parents don't do any of that but they support financially, pay for all food and drinks when out with their daughter, my son and the grandchildren and look after their dog when needed.Both sets of grandparents love the grandchildren. They just show it in different ways.

I don’t think you have any cause for complaint as your parents have been so generous financially. 22 hours solo parenting but only on the day you visit them? Good grief, is that so very hard?
They’re emotionally cold and that’s not pleasant for you, I understand that. Either visit them with good grace or tell them you don’t want their money and stop visiting them.
Try and be grateful for what they’ve done for you and stop moaning. You’re very fortunate compared to some people.

Yes. I did all the play when my kids were little.
I dont want to do crafts with any GC. I want to travel, read and work on my investments to pay for all that.

Honestly I don’t think they really miss you and will notice you aren’t visiting as often so just dial it back
they Say things they are expected to say, they don’t really mean all these “I missed you”

Your DPs sound very traditional upper/upper-middle class and how they parent and grandparents reflects that. Whereas your PILs are not and how do things reflects that. A matter of generation and culture. Your DC are or will benefit from both

For you as you say it's emotionally and physically exhausting, because you are doing everything. Including, I suspect hyper vigently reading your parents moods to adapt and guess what to do next to please or atleast not displease them.

I would compartmentalizing as best as you can, and giving yourself as much rest and treats or things to look forward to before and after these trips. You can also take your DC out by yourself

Manage your expectations. I imagine they love having DD around for small bursts but they don't enjoy toddler activities and are stuck in their ways. Plan fun things for you and DD and don't expect your parents to join you. I thinks it's bad memories of your own childhood that is making this hard for you.

I take your point. The OP wasn’t clear but if she meant 22 hours a day for the short visits to see her parents, that’s quite annoying too. And “solo parenting” in your own parents large house where you’re not paying for anything and food, beds etc are all provided also isn’t “solo parenting”.

Can you tell this has hit a nerve! Bloody hell, I used to take my 3 year old away for holidays on my own - yes I was something 24 hours a day but I also had a good time (of course it was exhausting, but I still really enjoyed my child’s company and when they’re small you can chose things to do that you’d both enjoy).

@emanresu24

How often are you visiting your parents?
Maybe once a month for 4-5 nights

Do you generally feel inferior or still like a child around them?
Not particularly

You mention tantrums and mess a lot. Is your daughter particularly difficult, or has a condition?
No... but if you've ever met a 3 year old you know that some mess and some tantrums are inevitable.

What would you like to do with them at home?
Spending time together as I've made the effort to visit them? Could be anything: read her a book, go for a walk, do a puzzle, sing songs, chat, go to a farm, draw, stickers... so many things you could do with family!

@theleafandnotthetree I didn't mention DH's work as something unusual, someone asked why my husband doesn't step up and I explained that if I visit during weekdays he can't be there including after work because he has a 9-5 (that he does from an office)

@blueshoes they are retired and have been for 10+ years. Managing investments is more like having a lunch once every couple of weeks. When we visit the staring at screens is looking at the news, checking the weather or reading articles online (for leisure)

I feel ya. My DH works every other weekend and isn’t home until after 8 pm. Parent also lives 2h away. They interact much like yours do except this is due to a disability/health reason. I also would feel a bit lonely in the evenings etc and have no close friends left in my hometown. It’s easier now with DC being a bit older. I tend to go and stay overnight on. a saturday, sometimes fri-sat. I plan fun things to do on our own, farm parks/trampoline/soft play etc (we don’t have much of these where we live) and then see my family member l at meals etc. Sometimes we are just sitting there with tv on but i get a takeaway etc and eat food i normally dont get (very rural currently).

I understand the lonely aspect though, sometimes i wish i had mum pals around as it would be more fun for DD (and i am an introvert!) DH sometimes comes along and then we tend not to stay overnight as he’s happy to do the driving. Much easier than when on your own with a toddler 😆 It’s getting easier as DD gets older and we can do more interesting things. Family member loves seeing us in his own way, and i know he really appreciates our visits. It was about once a month when DD was small as it was more stressful, now about every 3 weeks xx

My parents, particularly my DF, had high standards of behaviour and discipline when my kids were young and it made visits stressful. I responded by making visits shorter and never letting them stay overnight.
They will not change OP, not even when you DD is older, no longer having tantrums and able to sit at a table in a restaurant. They just don't love having children around. You need to accept this and work round it. 2 hrs isn't such a long travel distance, I think you could do a day trip, and plan to make your own entertainment while there.

OP I LONG for the days when I could just go and stay with my parents and they were around and had lunch with us and otherwise did the garden, read books etc. We just liked being back under the same roof for a few nights. Yes they read to my children and interacted a bit more than your parents but not masses because they were in their 70’s and 80’s and slowing down.

Let me tell you, those days were golden compared to the care home/cancer care/dementia care days that followed.

Im sure we’d have a different conversation irl but this has actually upset me. Your parents sounds slightly disengaged but are still showing you a lot of love and showing willing at the very least. Just roll with it for what it is and think about things you can do with your child that one or both of your parents might also be vaguely interested in.

Why are you staying with your parents for 4-5 nights in one go! That sounds hideous, just see them in short bursts in a situation that works for you. My in-laws are like yours and we can do 24 hours at the most before we’re made to feel like a big inconvenience. We tend to see them out and about at a national trust or something like that - a quick walk and a chat then back in the car and home again.

My dad is like this. He can’t cope with much extra stimulation. And it’s not a small child thing with him — DS is now almost 13 and we live quite near them, so will visit once or twice a week for short periods, but Dad will get up and leave the room within a minute or two of us arriving and go and read elsewhere in the house. Same if my siblings visit. That’s just who he is. I gave up finding it frustrating years ago. He’s not going to change. Neither are yours.