Friend's one night stands to get pregnant

[Polkadotbikinininii]

I know this is none of my business. I won't say anything to her unless she brings it up again. I will NEVER say anything to anyone else.

My friend is late 30s and long term single. She has always wanted kids and is very aware of her age.

She told me drunkenly the other night that a few years ago she started having one night stands with the hope of getting pregnant.

She says that she is open with the men about what she is doing as she has no interest in tricking or trapping them. She is happy to nevet see them again and be a single mum.

She thinks she's done it about 25 times in the last few years. Apparently only a few have said no. Most of the men just want reassurance that she won't go after them for money/relationship. 🤨She said 2 men have said they would like to stay in touch if she gets pregnant.

She is stunningly beautiful and funny so I can well imagine that most men will be so impressed with themselves for getting her in bed that they aren't thinking straight enough to say no.

She is very capable of looking after hererself/a child. She has a strong family network who will make sure the child is sorted if something happens to my friend.

She said that the men who don't want anything to do with any child are deadbeats and she wouldn't want them in their life anyway. I asked about what happened if the ones who are interested turn out to be deadbeats and she said that could happen with any pregnancy. I asked about the child that won't know who their dad is and again, she said it's better than a deadbeat who won't support the child and let's them down.

She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk. Apparently she is very strict with herself and if she is "going out to make babies" she doesn't drink at all and apparently if she has never bought anyone back when drunk.

I asked why she doesn't use donated sperm. She said she doesn't like the idea of it being medicalised and all the pressure of it and that she was also having fun.

She pointed out that any one night stand could result in a baby with a stranger and at least this way, the baby will be wanted.

I couldn't explain why I think this is all just so yukky. She accused me of slut shaming and pointed out that the men she takes home will be bragging to their friends every time they get a woman in bed and that lots of women take home more men than she does and plenty of people don't use protection.

Ignoring the risks, I don't think it's the taking people home that made me purse my lips. It's the intention behind it. It's irrational but I feel like maybe an accidental baby from a very short relationship is a better idea than a wanted baby after a one night stand?

ARE unreasonable- your friend will make a great mum and there will be good support for her and any baby. She has told you she isn't taking any risks.

ARE NOT unreasonable - getting pregnant ON PURPOSE from a one night stand is grim. She should be exploring other options.

Don't think she's being safe just by doing STD tests, doing them after the fact doesn't help if she catches them especially if it's something that's worse than just an antibiotic to clear

Of course she is putting herself at risk. Vile.

If my experience is anything to go by, the child will be absolutely fine. That's how my parents conceived me - one night stand. I sincerely wish I never knew my father, he was an absolute arse and my mum didn't want to have anything to do with him. It was only on my grandparents' insistence that "a child needs to know their father" that I got to meet him.

Sorry, are you suggesting a man who knowningly has unprotected sex, doesn't know he could end up with a baby?!

YABU - the men are consenting to this so nothing wrong with that.

But YANBU to be concerned. An STD check after EVERY partner?!?! This is a huge risk to her sexual health.

And not to mention if she has done this 25 times at least, no doubt when ovulating, and she still hasn't got pregnant, then there is perhaps something not so fertile about her?

She’s an idiot. With sperm donation she has the health and medical history of the child’s father. She can select for things that matter to her, and she would be protecting her own health and that of any resulting child.

Shagging strangers in the hopes a pregnancy is unnecessarily risky behaviour. If she’s serious about having a child she should take responsibility for doing so with the best possible outcomes.

Makes my blood run cold at the thought of a baby being conceived with a planned one night stand.
If friend desperately wants to be a parent, why doesn't she consider adoption or fostering?

We have no idea what she is saying to these men. If she says she is on the pill then they may be foolish enough to believe that. Also condoms aren’t foolproof anyway.

Her morals and behaviour, like those of the men involved, could not be any lower - utterly reprehensible, consigning a child to a life of lies and an unknown father.

If she's been at this a few years and still not pregnant its obviously not working for her and she needs to change approach. My guess would be she's desperate for a child and when shes had a few drinks she risks it, rather than it being a real approach to getting pregnant

Yes I'm pretty sure men are aware condoms aren't fool proof. There's nothing to suggest shes telling men she's on the pill, but it's irrelevant, men know how babies are made, if they dont want to end up with an unplanned baby, they should wear a condom. They are just as responsible for this as women are, they are not being 'deceived'.

life is pointless without either biological or adopted kids for normal people

What a load of arrant, antiquated BS.

Why does a couple who want a baby not consider adoption, or a couple going through IVF? Because on a fundamental level we recognise its different. This Fostering is not this woman's solution

What a load of nonsense.

Your friend is talking bollocks. And I absolutely would judge her.

Sorry if someone has mentioned this already, but this stopped me in my tracks

"She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk."

So she tests the one night stands BEFORE sleeping with them?

I think it's very unfair to any future child - there's a very high chance that they will never know who their father is, as I strongly doubt that any of these men would want to stay involved, or that they're even giving your friend their real names. Though I also doubt that she's telling them that she's hoping to get pregnant with them, what man would agree to that risk?

If she uses a sperm donor her child can trace the father when he or she turns 18, and children have a right to know who their parents are. What does she intend to tell her child about their father "I hooked up with him in a bar when I was on a work trip, he gave me a fake phone number, but his name is Juan and he lives in Madrid?"

It's so utterly selfish and short sighted.

''I want a Baybeee'' without thought that it is only a baby for a very short time, and soon turns into an adult that will question very hard their mother's morals.

''Sorry I haven't a clue who your father was, I was having multiple partners as I wanted a baby''.

Children deserve to know who their father is.

The trolls are out today full force, must be the spring.

@Polkadotbikinininii

My main concern would be that she knows nothing about the men's genetic histories. I know many couples don't get genetically screened, but a lot of them will know at least about things that 'run in the family'. Diabetes, certain MH/intellectual conditions, certain cancers, heart disease, kidney disease all can be genetic and are often known about by relatives.

I'm adopted and have 3 (all non life threatening, but 2 life 'affecting') genetic conditions. It would have been nice to know about them, although it wouldn't have changed my decision on having children. But what if one of those conditions was Huntington's, Cystic Fibrosis, or BRCA? This woman will have no idea if any of these men actually do have genetic conditions that, had she known, would have 'ruled them out' as potential 'donors'.

She really needs to think twice about the safety of 'medicalized' sperm donation as well as the legal 'freedom' it provides. One of DS1's single friends (aged 42) is expecting her first via IVF. The donor's medical and genetic history was thoroughly screened. They are screened for drug use and legal history. She knows his educational background. She knows his ethnic history. She is over the moon about becoming a mother. She also knows that the donor cannot pop back up in her life at some point claiming parent's rights.

Others mentioned it, but I have no doubt that she is NOT telling these men that she's trying to become pregnant. Unless she's intentionally choosing stupid men (which could be a problem in itself for offspring), most men would run a mile.

Agree..Loads of {especially more intelligent} people are choosing not to have any children at all.

This was actually my Plan A. I went off-plan and got married. It was a massive mistake, I'd have done better by myself, and I ended up having nothing but miscarriages anyway.

I do have a younger friend who's co-parenting rather brilliantly with a fling who, when asked, said he'd like to be involved. It looks perfect to me.

This relies on neither the father nor the child ever going looking, which is incredibly unlikely, and her never being found, which is also unlikely. It's incredibly easy to find someone these days if you want to. Unless she is exclusively doing this in other countries than the one which she lives, which does drop the chances of her being found somewhat, but not entirely. In order for her to have any chance of never being found, she'd have to drop off the radar entirely, move, change her name etc.

There’s a bit of me that thinks meh! But then there’s another bit of me that wonders what she’s going to say to her child about their father when the child gets older. My kids absolutely love hearing about how me and DP met and how wanted they were when we were TTC. I just wonder how she is going to frame fucking random blokes in clubs into a heart warming tale for the child?