Friend's one night stands to get pregnant

[Polkadotbikinininii]

I know this is none of my business. I won't say anything to her unless she brings it up again. I will NEVER say anything to anyone else.

My friend is late 30s and long term single. She has always wanted kids and is very aware of her age.

She told me drunkenly the other night that a few years ago she started having one night stands with the hope of getting pregnant.

She says that she is open with the men about what she is doing as she has no interest in tricking or trapping them. She is happy to nevet see them again and be a single mum.

She thinks she's done it about 25 times in the last few years. Apparently only a few have said no. Most of the men just want reassurance that she won't go after them for money/relationship. 🤨She said 2 men have said they would like to stay in touch if she gets pregnant.

She is stunningly beautiful and funny so I can well imagine that most men will be so impressed with themselves for getting her in bed that they aren't thinking straight enough to say no.

She is very capable of looking after hererself/a child. She has a strong family network who will make sure the child is sorted if something happens to my friend.

She said that the men who don't want anything to do with any child are deadbeats and she wouldn't want them in their life anyway. I asked about what happened if the ones who are interested turn out to be deadbeats and she said that could happen with any pregnancy. I asked about the child that won't know who their dad is and again, she said it's better than a deadbeat who won't support the child and let's them down.

She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk. Apparently she is very strict with herself and if she is "going out to make babies" she doesn't drink at all and apparently if she has never bought anyone back when drunk.

I asked why she doesn't use donated sperm. She said she doesn't like the idea of it being medicalised and all the pressure of it and that she was also having fun.

She pointed out that any one night stand could result in a baby with a stranger and at least this way, the baby will be wanted.

I couldn't explain why I think this is all just so yukky. She accused me of slut shaming and pointed out that the men she takes home will be bragging to their friends every time they get a woman in bed and that lots of women take home more men than she does and plenty of people don't use protection.

Ignoring the risks, I don't think it's the taking people home that made me purse my lips. It's the intention behind it. It's irrational but I feel like maybe an accidental baby from a very short relationship is a better idea than a wanted baby after a one night stand?

ARE unreasonable- your friend will make a great mum and there will be good support for her and any baby. She has told you she isn't taking any risks.

ARE NOT unreasonable - getting pregnant ON PURPOSE from a one night stand is grim. She should be exploring other options.

I think she’s incredibly naive. Children are as much their dads as they are their mums. You can tell a lot just by meeting your partners immediate family as to how your children will turn out. She’s barely even getting to know the man. Madness. What a gamble.

She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk.

Well she's having unprotected sex with strangers. An STD test after the fact wont help you if you've contracted HIV.

That might be unlikely, but that's not the same as never putting yourself at risk.

There's also the risk she falls pregnant, the guy wants to be involved, and she ends up sharing custody. Which I assume she doesn't really want.

You’re right, it’s none of your business.

I strongly suspect that she is not telling them (unless she means they had implied knowledge by not ascertaining her contraceptive status).

I suppose it's more fool them in that case.

But it still seems icky. None of the screening or background checks that you would get if she used donor sperm. And more difficult to explain to a child. Sperm donation seems more respectable than going out and getting nobbed by a load of strangers. But maybe I'm a boring old pearl clutcher and at least she's enjoying "having fun" as she puts it. There might never be a baby.

I would judge her as frankly I think it’s disgusting but in your shoes I would advise her to get some fertility tests done. at her age and sleeping with all sorts of men and she hasn’t got pregnant yet. She needs to be sure she can actually get pregnant and isn’t wasting her time.

This. Despite what you say, she absolutely is putting herself at risk of std's by having unprotected sex with strangers

I think she should start looking for a relationship with someone who wants children fast and will be happy for any pregnancy attempts to be very soon.

It is sad for a child to have a dad who just went along with it as long as their mum said she wouldn't pursue him for it. I think I'd feel sad or empty somehow if I knew that was my dad's criterion for conceiving me.

She´s probably wasting her time doing it with guys who have had vasectomies...and forgot to tell her...

Wouldn’t be surprised if this is true of at least some of the men.

Your friend's intentions are clear and her actions would strike many people as rash. But I wonder how many women get 'accidentally' pregnant with almost-strangers without telling themselves or anyone else what the plan is. Hormones can be powerful things.

what is meant by this?

The only thing going I don't get is how she can pit herself at risk of serous STDs!
Yes she gets tested but if she gets a sportive AFTER she caught it, then she might have it for life (Depending on what she catches!) And she does get 0regnant and ends up with an STD at the same time that can be very damaging for baby.... now, this would be the only thing I would be thinking bit I'm sure she must know that too!

I think it’s morally wrong to pre-plan to deny a child their right to know a biological parent.

Very wrong. If I was doing this then I'd say it was me. On an anonymous forum anyway. 🤣 I can never understand why people reverse on here.

Although I do wish I'd had a few one night stands before I'd settled down just to see what the fuss is about tbh. With condoms! 🤣

It's none of your business what she does. She is unlikely if she does conceive to tell the child oh I had a load of one night stands - she is I imagine going to say it was a one night stand.
The amount of women who post on here about the absolutely god awful fathers they have for their children - cutting some of them out would be a blessing.
Any man who does not use a condom during sex knows he runs the risk of getting the woman pregnant and does not care - even if she wasn't upfront about it - even if she said she uses contraception.

I don't quite get her mindset of why she won't go down the donor route, but ultimately she isn't deceiving anyone i guess, she's giving men options to opt out of her conditions. Its not something I understand or would encourage but also not something I'd interfere with or let cloud by judgement of her.

If she wanted to get pregnant she would have timed it to get pregnant and it wouldn't be 25 times. What if she is struggling to conceive, would she know?
What if the men in question have health issues (beyond STD's) that can be inherited?
What if they are dim/dishonest/possess personality characteristics that she would not deal well with if they were replicated in her children?
What if the men do want to be part of the child's life but not hers and she is lumbered with someone she can't stand right from the get go?
Are you sure she's not just having poorly judged fun because it sounds like a ridiculous way to go about pregnancy?

She is likely being honest about not being on the pill. I wonder if she is asking them to get her pregnant though.

Mostly - so what? No one should have their numbers judged. I'm not judging my friends numbers. I'm questioning the reason.

However, She's heading on for 40 so let's say she's been having sex since she was 20, that's not even 2 a year.

Plenty of people sleep with a partner after a few dates so even if you've had a series of relationships (and remove the one night stand aspect) that's still not a crazy amount over 20 years.

I say that as someone who has slept with 4 people and has been married to one of those for almost 20 years.

Ha, ha, ha. You mustn't know many men.

I’m a single mum by choice and used a sperm donor. It wasn’t £10k by the way, less than half that, which I don’t think is too mad for a healthy baby. I’ve spent more on a holiday.

I don’t think her intentions are wrong but the way she is going about it is. If she hasn’t picked up STIs already that would be a miracle. Also the danger of HIV. I really don’t understand the logic of sleeping with a load of random men when you can go via a clinic and do it in a controlled, monitored way. It worked first time for me. The fact she’s slept with 25 men and hasn’t fallen pregnant in that time means she probably needs investigations anyway. Just randomly sleeping around clearly isn’t working!

But she said they cannot be deceived and that’s true. But a lot of them really do not take their sexual health seriously.

I believe much of the reason for sexual desires, why you want one person over the other (when both would be seen as conventionally attractive) has a lot to do with making healthy, well adjusted babies. We often have sexual desire for men we wouldn't date, maybe that is simply saying we'd have healthy babies with him.

As long as she's being safe, I see this as a better option than a sperm donor. She's getting to know them a tiny bit and is physically attracted to them. Imagine meeting your sperm donor and being totally turned off by him...I'd worry about making a baby with someone who turned my stomach.

I disagree. I think sperm donation is far less “yucky” than going out sleeping with loads of randomers deliberately to get pregnant.

If she’s open about it I don’t see the issue frankly. Considering she’s tried a few times now she should get her fertility checked out.