Friend's one night stands to get pregnant

[Polkadotbikinininii]

I know this is none of my business. I won't say anything to her unless she brings it up again. I will NEVER say anything to anyone else.

My friend is late 30s and long term single. She has always wanted kids and is very aware of her age.

She told me drunkenly the other night that a few years ago she started having one night stands with the hope of getting pregnant.

She says that she is open with the men about what she is doing as she has no interest in tricking or trapping them. She is happy to nevet see them again and be a single mum.

She thinks she's done it about 25 times in the last few years. Apparently only a few have said no. Most of the men just want reassurance that she won't go after them for money/relationship. 🤨She said 2 men have said they would like to stay in touch if she gets pregnant.

She is stunningly beautiful and funny so I can well imagine that most men will be so impressed with themselves for getting her in bed that they aren't thinking straight enough to say no.

She is very capable of looking after hererself/a child. She has a strong family network who will make sure the child is sorted if something happens to my friend.

She said that the men who don't want anything to do with any child are deadbeats and she wouldn't want them in their life anyway. I asked about what happened if the ones who are interested turn out to be deadbeats and she said that could happen with any pregnancy. I asked about the child that won't know who their dad is and again, she said it's better than a deadbeat who won't support the child and let's them down.

She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk. Apparently she is very strict with herself and if she is "going out to make babies" she doesn't drink at all and apparently if she has never bought anyone back when drunk.

I asked why she doesn't use donated sperm. She said she doesn't like the idea of it being medicalised and all the pressure of it and that she was also having fun.

She pointed out that any one night stand could result in a baby with a stranger and at least this way, the baby will be wanted.

I couldn't explain why I think this is all just so yukky. She accused me of slut shaming and pointed out that the men she takes home will be bragging to their friends every time they get a woman in bed and that lots of women take home more men than she does and plenty of people don't use protection.

Ignoring the risks, I don't think it's the taking people home that made me purse my lips. It's the intention behind it. It's irrational but I feel like maybe an accidental baby from a very short relationship is a better idea than a wanted baby after a one night stand?

ARE unreasonable- your friend will make a great mum and there will be good support for her and any baby. She has told you she isn't taking any risks.

ARE NOT unreasonable - getting pregnant ON PURPOSE from a one night stand is grim. She should be exploring other options.

Believe me she's not the first and only women to do it, nor I guarantee you will she be the last. Not every child is convinced with the perfect partner and petals round the bed with "let's get it on" playing in the back ground

People who actually use donor sperm don’t go in to the process with the intention of being “turned on” by them though? You aren’t and will never be in a relationship with your donor. Therefore you don’t need to be “turned on” by them. What a strange comment!

Also you can explain donation to a future child. You can’t really explain that mummy had a one night stand to a child!

I am against having sex before marriage, but in this case I think she is doing the absolutely right thing - she is in her 30s, fertility falling. And life is pointless without either biological or adopted kids for normal people (nuns and priests excluded as they have a higher meaning). All my clever female mates who either did not have or adopt children, deeply regret it now in their 40s. It is OK for men to dick around with this decision and then sprog off in their 60s, but our fertile age is very short. She is doing the right thing. She is honest and upfront and unlike some second wives on here who 'had have accidents' and then bemoan their elderly husbands do not engage with child rearing, she deceives nobody. Good luck to her and I hope she is successful in her plan.

There is a massive risk to her and the men of STDs. And the baby for that matter. Getting tested after the fact isn't going to help much. HIV can take six months from infection to show up in a blood test

That's a good point. She's at least vetting them for looks.

But how would a child conceived that way feel? Or do you lie to your children about something like that, would that be ok?

It's understandable not to want to use a sperm bank - expensive, some medical procedures you'd probably rather not go through and the lack of information at least about the looks of the donor.
But I think the future feelings of the child need to be considered. This method doesn't scream future child happy with their relationship with their dad.

Its not any different to using a sperm donor

It definitely is different - there is a massive risk of getting an STD, spreading an STD and also a risk of having a baby born with HIV

But seeing as the biological father js unlikely to ever meet the child or be on the birth certificate it's irrelevant. And without being on birth certificate the " father" has very few rights. Besides they may not even know her name . She could use a false one to prevent them finding her

I was the product of a one-night stand. I've spent my whole life wondering who my bio Dad is and if I have any siblings.
My stepdad was hideous, and I was so jealous of my friend who had a Dad.
I've built an extensive family tree using DNA, but I'm still far from finding out who he is.
If I learned that my mum did this intentionally to conceive, I would never forgive her.

This is honestly the well known way way before the sperm donor. Which is just enhanced vetting.

probably better to sleep with a work colleague and then get a new job or a FWB.

Loads of sperm banks you have pictures of the donors. I have pictures of mine. Strictly anonymous donation isn’t legal in this country now and hasn’t been for quite a while. The ID of the donor is released to the child when they turn 18. You get tons of information about them too, both medical and social.

Well if they know how babies are made, she doesn't need to does she? It's pretty obvious if she's not on the pill and they don't use a condom, that she might get pregnant. So the fact she's explained how she approaches it to OP, makes me think she's being honest about explaining to them, otherwise she could just keep quiet and her fingers crossed.

This, for me, is the biggest risk. It’s stupid.

I don’t believe she tells men at all but I guess if they don’t use protection, that is their own risk.

This

Not an ounce of thought into what diseases she could catch that could affect the rest of her life.

Or a poor child growing up having no clue who their father is. Whats her plan when the child starts asking questions, cause that day will come.

At least a sperm bank is safe and has some information about the donor.

If she’s actually telling them, I don’t see the issue there I guess. The risk of STDs is nothing to sneeze at though. It’s all well and good for her to be tested, but are these men?

I used to know of a French woman who was sleeping with any man matching her criteria (blue eyes, reasonably good looking/intelligent) since she badly wanted a 2nd baby, but wouldn’t sleep with her dh. He was spending much of his time on business in African countries and using a lot of prostitutes, when Aids was rife.

I never did hear whether she succeeded. The go-between friend who’d have told me, died.

Much more recently I know of a single woman who’s had twins via donor sperm, and a married woman who finally had her longed-for baby via a donor egg and her dh ‘doing the needful’.

It's incredibly different. It's less of a risk to her health for a start.

It's so much better than 95% of relationships on Mumsnet.

I would bring up with her that using donor sperm has some level of medical checks. She doesn't know if the one night stands have diabetes, have had cancer and it runs strongly in the family, mental health issues which are hereditary, autism or adhd which may be hard for her to handle if she's neurotypical etc.
When in a relationship hereditary risks are mitigated as you want a child with that person, but if just using any sperm she might as well aim for a higher chance of a healthy baby.

It’s totally different. A man who has been a sperm donor knows he will have biological children out there. He will be informed when a woman has a live birth from his donations. As anonymous sperm donation is now illegal in most of Europe, he can anticipate that his donor conceived children may contact him in 18 years time. He of course has no legal or financial obligations to them.

This is totally different to a man that has biological children he knows nothing about because he had a one night stand with a woman whose sole intention was getting pregnant. That’s deception.

So she’s done this for years, slept with at least 25 men and not gotten pregnant?

I assume if she is intentional about getting pregnant, she’s doing this when she knows she’s in her fertile window? I’d encourage her to speak to her GP for some tests.

Yes but any man having unprotected sex with a stranger is well aware there is a pregnancy risk. Open and upfront or not, it’s down to them to wear a condom or risk pregnancy. If they’re raw dogging, they know the risk is there. They have all the agency to say “if you won’t agree to a condom I won’t be having sex” - they just don’t care. A vast ocean of men don’t.

You are making a sensible, wonderful point. But have you forgotten maybe, that we live in a world where children are supposed to fit with adult desires, unfortunately, not the normal way around - adult fitting their desires around children. As one prominent child rights campaigner said - we live in a world where children are just superimposed on whatever picture an adult wants - thus lies about it being better to divorce than live with a husband you stopped finding sexually attractive, lies about non-biological males being no danger for children, that two mums and two dads are the same as a mum and a dad, etc. etc. So unfortunately you are right, but this is not the world we live in these days. Black is white and white is black, I am afraid.