Friend's one night stands to get pregnant

[Polkadotbikinininii]

I know this is none of my business. I won't say anything to her unless she brings it up again. I will NEVER say anything to anyone else.

My friend is late 30s and long term single. She has always wanted kids and is very aware of her age.

She told me drunkenly the other night that a few years ago she started having one night stands with the hope of getting pregnant.

She says that she is open with the men about what she is doing as she has no interest in tricking or trapping them. She is happy to nevet see them again and be a single mum.

She thinks she's done it about 25 times in the last few years. Apparently only a few have said no. Most of the men just want reassurance that she won't go after them for money/relationship. 🤨She said 2 men have said they would like to stay in touch if she gets pregnant.

She is stunningly beautiful and funny so I can well imagine that most men will be so impressed with themselves for getting her in bed that they aren't thinking straight enough to say no.

She is very capable of looking after hererself/a child. She has a strong family network who will make sure the child is sorted if something happens to my friend.

She said that the men who don't want anything to do with any child are deadbeats and she wouldn't want them in their life anyway. I asked about what happened if the ones who are interested turn out to be deadbeats and she said that could happen with any pregnancy. I asked about the child that won't know who their dad is and again, she said it's better than a deadbeat who won't support the child and let's them down.

She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk. Apparently she is very strict with herself and if she is "going out to make babies" she doesn't drink at all and apparently if she has never bought anyone back when drunk.

I asked why she doesn't use donated sperm. She said she doesn't like the idea of it being medicalised and all the pressure of it and that she was also having fun.

She pointed out that any one night stand could result in a baby with a stranger and at least this way, the baby will be wanted.

I couldn't explain why I think this is all just so yukky. She accused me of slut shaming and pointed out that the men she takes home will be bragging to their friends every time they get a woman in bed and that lots of women take home more men than she does and plenty of people don't use protection.

Ignoring the risks, I don't think it's the taking people home that made me purse my lips. It's the intention behind it. It's irrational but I feel like maybe an accidental baby from a very short relationship is a better idea than a wanted baby after a one night stand?

ARE unreasonable- your friend will make a great mum and there will be good support for her and any baby. She has told you she isn't taking any risks.

ARE NOT unreasonable - getting pregnant ON PURPOSE from a one night stand is grim. She should be exploring other options.

Maybe she’s enjoying a bit of a thrill of thinking this time she might be pregnant, but not actually caring that much when it turns out she isn’t? Like playing the lottery really.

I know a couple of people who have done this, it’s more common than some on here think. I’d say though that the most surprising thing for me is just how many men don’t care and are happy to risk it for unprotected sex, or are actively turned on by the idea. Then they walk away.

Hope she know who the men are after. It's important for a child to be able to k own where they cane from even if there isn't a parental relationship imo

@user263758918 you need new friends

I am old, recently widowed. Blissfully married for 41 years. Six months before we got together, this very unworldly and inexperienced but very attractive man who went on to be my husband had had a few days' fling on a family holiday in Oz with his cousin's friend, a single mum with a toddler. He never heard anything of her again.

I have often wondered over the years if she was wanting another kid, and he'd have been ideal- handsome, clever, lived 10000 miles away, no problems. He'd never know. And one day there would be a knock on our door and a youngish Aussie will be on the doorstep, saying "Hi, you don't know me but...."

I guess for that to happen, my girls would have to go on one of the DNA websites and be matched....

It's a strange thought.

What would she do if the "donor" had an unknown genetic illness and her kid gets sick and she can't find him? Proper sperm banks have backups for this very reason. Shes playing with fire with her potential babys health before they're even conceived, poor kid.

Women get to choose whether they continue with a pregnancy. Men need to take as much responsibility as they can.

You and your friend come across as quite naive people. You are also pretty ignorant as to what women should do to protect men from their stupid decisions. (Hint: Nothing)

How bloody wonderful for the child to know it was the product of a one night stand not.
What's happened to people?

I agree. She needs help to accept that she is a single, childless woman. There are plenty who do and have successful, fulfilling iives, with fun. Or else find someone genuine with whom she is prepared to at east try and settle down.

However she may not become pregnant, it often doesn't happen when people are too frantic.

your friend is the sort of person who I sincerely hope never conceives a child….somebody who has no morals and no ability to think of a child’s needs and that children are often interested in their parentage …..and, what’s more, has the tools to find it’s absent parent when it reaches maturity.

Maybe a moments thought about telling her child how it was conceived in the future? Might knowing they were conceived via a one night stand cause them psychological problems?
I'd say using a clinic was better.

How does she avoid diseases like HIV?? She does regular STI tests but that doesn't cure herpes or HIV once you've caught it. If they're one night stands, she obviously isn't getting them tested before shagging them sans condoms. And any man willing to have unprotected sex with a stranger isn't the sort to care about sexual health so far more likely to have an STI. Just grim.

Key info missing

the fling he had…. Unprotected sex? @Muddlingalongsomehow

I thought this straight away. Now way is she telling them she wants a baby. She's telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

She told him she was on the pill

When I was single in my mid 20s I fleetingly thought about this approach. I doubt I would ever have carried it out but that's easy to say when you are in a relationship and get pregnant quite easily.
I can't judge her.
If she is being upfront and trying to be careful it's not really a huge issue as long as she knows what she's letting herself in for.

It's hardly unusual for a woman's husband to have had sexual experiences before meeting their wife. One doesn't have to be 10000 miles away to father a child with a woman he never sees or hears from again. Remote chance your husband's fling was desperately trying to conceive a child with a complete unknown. Plus even 40 years ago, plenty of women had access to abortions. Theoretically the majority of current husbands could have fathered an unknown child........

I don't think a woman who really wanted a child, especially around the age of 40, would really rely on the occasional hook up when she is away from home, which could occur at inopportune times of her cycle. She need only make arrangements to meet men in the nearest large town or city and give false contact details. Is it likely, that having managed to get pregnant, she would live in dread of a man recognising her at the supermarket and jumping out to claim his child? If she really wanted a child, she'd be a lot more intentional about timing things more accurately.

I don’t understand how anyone could be so careless! I’m referring to anyone who has one night stands without using protection.

Have we forgotten about Aids?

Erm. You completely missed what I was saying there. What an extraordinary comment. The issue wasn't my husband's sexual experience at all. It was the business of someone, like the woman in the original comment, potentially using a one night stand to get preg.

Not to worry.

YANBU

With donor sperm the children conceived from it have a right to know the identity of their bio parent at 18, and the prospective parents have avenues to make contact with siblings from the donor, or the donor before that. It's open, and honest, and moving towards centering the needs of the child.

What OP's friend does is what SHE wants, with no thought to what's best for her prospective child.

I'd be rethinking my friendship with her to be honest.

Do you know something weird? I didn't know about this episode when I first got together with him. So of course it didn't come up. Just as he didn't know about my history.

I did say I was old. This was more than a lifetime ago. Pre Aids. This shows extraordinary ignorance about a different era and different times. It's quite funny in a way, blindly imposing today's values on the past in order to be judgemental of a stranger like this. It makes you look so ignorant. Actually, I don't believe such tests existed - STDs were only diagnosed once symptoms appeared.

I have no idea why you are dwelling on this. I merely told my tale to show the other side of the coin, that when someone does what the OP's friend is purposefully doing, then years down the line, there would be consequences when the child is searching to find its roots. Nothing more. Could you drop it now. I am recently widowed and i have no idea that turned into an ignorant pursed-lips sneering attack on a much-loved man's actions over 40 years ago which were the norm for the era.

Never has the phrase "get a life" been more apt.