Friend's one night stands to get pregnant

[Polkadotbikinininii]

I know this is none of my business. I won't say anything to her unless she brings it up again. I will NEVER say anything to anyone else.

My friend is late 30s and long term single. She has always wanted kids and is very aware of her age.

She told me drunkenly the other night that a few years ago she started having one night stands with the hope of getting pregnant.

She says that she is open with the men about what she is doing as she has no interest in tricking or trapping them. She is happy to nevet see them again and be a single mum.

She thinks she's done it about 25 times in the last few years. Apparently only a few have said no. Most of the men just want reassurance that she won't go after them for money/relationship. 🤨She said 2 men have said they would like to stay in touch if she gets pregnant.

She is stunningly beautiful and funny so I can well imagine that most men will be so impressed with themselves for getting her in bed that they aren't thinking straight enough to say no.

She is very capable of looking after hererself/a child. She has a strong family network who will make sure the child is sorted if something happens to my friend.

She said that the men who don't want anything to do with any child are deadbeats and she wouldn't want them in their life anyway. I asked about what happened if the ones who are interested turn out to be deadbeats and she said that could happen with any pregnancy. I asked about the child that won't know who their dad is and again, she said it's better than a deadbeat who won't support the child and let's them down.

She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk. Apparently she is very strict with herself and if she is "going out to make babies" she doesn't drink at all and apparently if she has never bought anyone back when drunk.

I asked why she doesn't use donated sperm. She said she doesn't like the idea of it being medicalised and all the pressure of it and that she was also having fun.

She pointed out that any one night stand could result in a baby with a stranger and at least this way, the baby will be wanted.

I couldn't explain why I think this is all just so yukky. She accused me of slut shaming and pointed out that the men she takes home will be bragging to their friends every time they get a woman in bed and that lots of women take home more men than she does and plenty of people don't use protection.

Ignoring the risks, I don't think it's the taking people home that made me purse my lips. It's the intention behind it. It's irrational but I feel like maybe an accidental baby from a very short relationship is a better idea than a wanted baby after a one night stand?

ARE unreasonable- your friend will make a great mum and there will be good support for her and any baby. She has told you she isn't taking any risks.

ARE NOT unreasonable - getting pregnant ON PURPOSE from a one night stand is grim. She should be exploring other options.

It's tens of thousands of pounds to use donor sperm; it needs to be inserted at a clinic and there are fees upon fees

It’s not “tens of thousands”
don’t exaggerate 😂

The pill isn't 100% effective and I'm really, really confused as to why neither you nor he seems to know that...

As in financially secure or sensible with money?

I don't see her bank account but I know she earns well and she seems sensible with money eg she saved a house deposit by herself while renting. She seems to live within her means and I know she has savings from a previous discussion but no idea how much.

So I'd guess at doing ok/comfortable and being sensible.

I guess if she could save a house deposit, she could save for sperm (is it the same as IVF?) If that's what you're asking.

I think she could definitely afford to be a single mother. She earns well and childcare locally isn't as expensive as it seems to be elsewhere. I know her mum and sister and they would without doubt want to help with child care too, although obviously I hope my friend isn't relying on that just in case.

So she’s not all that desperate is she? She could pay for a sperm donar maybe gasp save up for it

but she chooses this way

so clearly not as desperate to have a child as you think

anyway - she’s almost 40, had sex lots with lots of different men all unprotected and not a whiff of a pregnancy

very very unlikely now

She hasn’t confided in you that she’s concerned all this effort has not resulted in a pregnancy?

I've had two children via donor conception in the UK so I know what I'm talking about. Sperm costs, shipping costs, sperm storage costs, preliminary fertility MOT, appointment costs and clinic fees all add up to tens of thousands.

I don't know the ins and outs (so to speak!) but I think she does it when she goes away with work or on holiday and I can't imagine they are booked around her cycle. In that case, is 25 times over a few years that concerning?

@oakleaffy

"She’s definitely not telling them.
And she will be bleating for child support if one of these many men is unlucky enough to cause a pregnancy.

Condom up always.,men.

Is this a reverse 🔄?!"

Firstly, any man who sleeps with a woman without a condom is risking pregnancy. Men are not without agency.

Secondly, child support is for the child's needs and obviously no child chooses to be born.

No issues with how many men she chooses to sleep with (safely) but your friend’s playing Russian roulette with her health.

Fine, she might screen herself after every encounter, (although I bet she isn’t that scrupulous about it, few people would be), but she (obv) won’t be insisting the men are tested before having sex with them. For that reason alone, she’s being stupid.

As other PP have said, she’s also got no control over what genetic issues the ‘sperm donor’ might be passing on to her future child. Nor can she really control how involved he may choose to make himself later, in terms of contact with the resultant child. He might choose to go to FC to establish paternity and set up contact. The child might well want a relationship as they get older.

Sperm banks exist for a reason.

Careful, you're clutching those pearls to tightly they might break

I think she would be better using a sperm donor, or finding a trusted ‘friend’ to give her sperm.
It sounds like she is struggling to conceive so may need help. Having sex with 25 different men and not getting pregnant- sounds like she may never be able to have a child.
As for these men I have zero sympathy. They don’t know her from Adam, she could be a right loon and yes they are liable to have to pay maintenance because they are the father of the child.

I imagine this is precisely why she isn’t sitting on her hands saving up for expensive sperm though!? Because realistically, by the time she has saved and can afford it that way her chances will have reduced further

I don't understand how it's safe? If it's a 1 night stand she can't be getting them tested before having unprotected sex so on the basis alone she is being v unreasonable. Haven't read the thread but I assume lots have pointed this out!

If she’s picking these men up after a night out, how drunk are they? Is their consent valid? I think what she’s doing ethically stinks (for child and father).

You say that but 2 male friends of mine have been propositioned similarly. One went for it and one didn't.

Doubt this situation is real tbh.

It's all very well having STD tests after exposure, but she is running the risk of contracting something and being pregnant at the same time.

She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk.

How can she not be putting herself at risk when she’s having unprotected sex with multiple randos??

My first thought was she must be absolutely teeming with disease, which isn’t exactly ideal for a pregnancy.

She’s been doing this for years

I think the friend is winding the Op up!

You were overcharged
My sister used and under £10k

Well she’s being a bit daft if she’s having one night stands with the intention of getting pregnant because she’s “desperate” for children

but not timing with her cycle

she is winding you up op!

I compared all the clinics in my city and none were less than 10k with all costs considered, but keep on if you want to!

Shame