Friend's one night stands to get pregnant

[Polkadotbikinininii]

I know this is none of my business. I won't say anything to her unless she brings it up again. I will NEVER say anything to anyone else.

My friend is late 30s and long term single. She has always wanted kids and is very aware of her age.

She told me drunkenly the other night that a few years ago she started having one night stands with the hope of getting pregnant.

She says that she is open with the men about what she is doing as she has no interest in tricking or trapping them. She is happy to nevet see them again and be a single mum.

She thinks she's done it about 25 times in the last few years. Apparently only a few have said no. Most of the men just want reassurance that she won't go after them for money/relationship. 🤨She said 2 men have said they would like to stay in touch if she gets pregnant.

She is stunningly beautiful and funny so I can well imagine that most men will be so impressed with themselves for getting her in bed that they aren't thinking straight enough to say no.

She is very capable of looking after hererself/a child. She has a strong family network who will make sure the child is sorted if something happens to my friend.

She said that the men who don't want anything to do with any child are deadbeats and she wouldn't want them in their life anyway. I asked about what happened if the ones who are interested turn out to be deadbeats and she said that could happen with any pregnancy. I asked about the child that won't know who their dad is and again, she said it's better than a deadbeat who won't support the child and let's them down.

She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk. Apparently she is very strict with herself and if she is "going out to make babies" she doesn't drink at all and apparently if she has never bought anyone back when drunk.

I asked why she doesn't use donated sperm. She said she doesn't like the idea of it being medicalised and all the pressure of it and that she was also having fun.

She pointed out that any one night stand could result in a baby with a stranger and at least this way, the baby will be wanted.

I couldn't explain why I think this is all just so yukky. She accused me of slut shaming and pointed out that the men she takes home will be bragging to their friends every time they get a woman in bed and that lots of women take home more men than she does and plenty of people don't use protection.

Ignoring the risks, I don't think it's the taking people home that made me purse my lips. It's the intention behind it. It's irrational but I feel like maybe an accidental baby from a very short relationship is a better idea than a wanted baby after a one night stand?

ARE unreasonable- your friend will make a great mum and there will be good support for her and any baby. She has told you she isn't taking any risks.

ARE NOT unreasonable - getting pregnant ON PURPOSE from a one night stand is grim. She should be exploring other options.

Is it unusual to not have got pregnant having sex 25 times at (I presume) times that could be anywhere in your cycle over a few years?

I doubt she's planning it that precisely, or maybe she is?

I don't know. I got pregnant very quickly both times.

I would have thought if pregnancy was her aim she’d concentrate her one night stands to the few days per month when conception could happen: so a much longer timeframe.

presumably she been timing this shags with her ovulation

Sounds like a perfect way to actively screen for the type of men who would make the worst possible fathers. Not to mention the STI risk.

It absolutely is. Sperm donors are vetted for STDs and genetic disorders, and any children their sperm produces are able to trace them when they turn 18.

The sort of men she's taking home probably don't have a high sperm count if she's picking them up on their weekly binge drinking sessions, worse if they also smoke, and don't get tested. Her efforts are likely futile. She's hardly desperately trying either if it's been 25 men in a decade or more.

@Polkadotbikinininii At least suggest she takes PrEP before going out so she doesn't contract HIV. Up to her taking her chances with the other incurable STDs. She would be much better finding a regular (or several) fwb to maximise her conception chances. One night a week is unlikely to increase chances in her late 30s.

A man did that to me when I was a teenager, told me he was infertile and said we didn't need a condom, I ended up pregnant. Amazingly no one ever accused him of trapping or tricking me, I still got all the blame, including from his mother (who also implied I was trapping him and pushed me into an abortion).

"She reassured me that she does do STD tests and never puts herself at risk."

This doesn't make sense, how would she know what they are infected with if they're one night stands??? She's risking having to be treated for an STD while pregnant!

Well, the risk of HIV is pretty frightening for her.

For any children, the removal of anonymity for sperm donors was done for reasons that include studies showing that "adopted or donor-conceived children benefitted emotionally from knowing who their biological parents were regardless of whether they any contact with them" (https://www.spermdonation.nhs.uk/sperm-donation-and-the-law) and access to the genetic/medical history, which could literally be life-saving.

I feel so much sympathy for anyone who wants children and is struggling to have them for whatever reason. I do think that is such a terrible thing.

That’s it.

The stupidest thing I have seen on the internet today.

Stupid and made up.

As HIV can take up to 3 months from the sexual contact with a carrier to show positive i assume your friend is waiting a minimum of 14 weeks between sexual partners.

But the point is getting tested only finds issues after the fact.

Having unprotected sex with lots of strange men increases the risk to her own sexual health - it’s baffling reckless.

Also some illnesses don’t show immediately (HIV) or can lie dormant (Herpes).

Just bonkers.

Did you read the full original post ?”
Two of the guys said they would like to keep in touch if she got pregnant”

my point is relevant.

I dont see a problem.
I think it's better to have a child by someone that you feel attracted to (rather than a sperm donor) as that points to immune system compatibility which will make for a healthier baby.

YABU. It is her body. Not yours. Not mine. Not anyone's who is passing judgement on here. As I fully believe in a woman's right to bodily autonomy, I'd be a hypocrite to even express an opinion at all. She can bear the consequences of her actions, whether they be positive or negative. Her choice.

As for a baby born from this, any child can have disadvantages even if born in a solid relationship.

As for the, "she's slept with 25 men" 😯, comments. Misogynistic prudes.
I'm a one man kind of woman but, if he wasn't around, I'd sleep with whoever and however many I see fit.

Obviously it's nothing todo with you. BUT if she doesn't drink when these ONS happen, and they are drinking.. if that was the other way round.. it would be a very different story

I think you'd be surprised at how many men this would apply to, though. I had a bit of a wild phase before settling down with my DP and I'd say more than 90% of men will suggest sex without a condom. There's a spectrum from "only puts one on when you ask but does so without complaint" to "actively pushes for it and is pissed off when you say no", but it's a pretty common thing, even amongst otherwise "nice guys".

It's the sleeping with 25 men unprotected that's the issue

@Makebelievedream That’s a really good point. And who knows what that could potentially do to a kid’s psyche? 😞

Completely agree, in my experience, most men do not suggest using condoms or even ask about contraception.

This would be my feeling too. Personally speaking I think it would be terrible to either say you have no idea who there father was or, even worse, to say that he was just some bloke who was happy to have a shag as long as he didn't have to bother with any resulting offspring.

Even worse, if she does meet a life partner and then has children with him.

This may not worry a lot of people, but friends who have discovered that they were different from their siblings, or who found out that their father wasn't the man they thought was, have been deeply hurt and affected by it.

Well she obviously doesn't do sti tests for one night stands.

And the men could still screw her with protection so it's not like they're swept up in the idea of sex with a hot woman.

This whole thing is gross and frankly, terrifying.
Either she's a total psychopath or she has no self esteem whatsoever.

I'd ditch her or you'll be first in line to be her childcare tbh.

WTAF?

What about people with fertility struggles?
You think their lives have no meaning?
Should they become nuns or priests?

You have no concept of real life and are beyond insulting.

@ERthree I had no idea that that was the case. In which case, OP’s friend is truly playing Russian roulette with her life.

2 said that but no guarantees she would actually tell them is there