How do you navigate different love languages?

[Cubagoodeggjunior]

I know the love language thing isn’t actually science but I’m trying to muddle my way through a relationship after years of singleness!

I’m in a relationship with a really wonderful man. Truly.

It’s quite clear, however, that words are not his thing. His actions are so kind, he’s (mostly) thoughtful and he seems very dedicated to a long term relationship with me.

However, he’s just awful with words. He accidentally insults me and then cannot fathom why I’m insulted and he gives very minimal compliments.

I am very much a words person and I am finding it a bit tricky sometimes.

For example, last week he started talking about what songs he’d have at our wedding… and yet his actual words on his feelings about me amount to the occasional “I quite like you, you know, Cuba Goodegg”, and not much else.

Similarly, he can’t keep his hands off me but conversely, I can count on one hand the number of times he’s complimented my appearance, and those occasions have been mild “you looked nice in that dress yesterday”.

Any time I’ve raised it, he’s been quite baffled that I have any insecurities regarding his feelings for me, but I teally do struggle with it.

I realise this is probably more my issue than his, but interested to know how people
deal with this kind of difference in a long term
relationship.

Are men just from Mars and women from Venus?

He insults you and is truly wonderful?

What are these 'accidental insults'?

This wouldn't work for me. I'm a verbal person, and I couldn't be with someone who wasn't equally articulate, in person and in writing. For me, it would be less about compliments, than about someone who wasn't able to use their words to communicate their feelings. How long have you been with this guy?

Are men just from Mars and women from Venus?

No. This is not a man/woman thing. It's a you/your partner thing.

How long have you been together? Do you feel loved? Does he show his feelings in other ways?

What do you mean by 'accidentally insults you'? Can you give an example?

Yeah I'd also be more concerned about the 'accidental' insults. How does that actually work? What does he say?

I wouldn't mind too much if a truly wonderful man was just taciturn by nature but did show me love and appreciation in other ways, but the insults change things by quite a lot.

I would guess accidental insults occur because OP is into words and he isn't - people can take things the wrong way - they were not intended as an insult but OP felt they were

Something like "you look tired"
In some relationship that's just a fact and used to trigger conversation about how someone is feeling - yes / no / why

And other people get insulted - you must never mention anything negative

Or the person who 'isn't into words' is too dopey to realise that their inarticulacy has consequences?

Well to solve that needs communication- but don't be surprised if the person who doesn't use words the way OP does things she should change as much as him

Trying to think of an example that isn’t identifying in case he ever saw it, but yes. Similar to this albeit I wouldn’t feel insulted by him saying I looked tired.

More like…him; “I have really enjoyed this restaurant”

Me, “me too. I’m so glad we came here together”

Him “why? It would’ve been a good meal whoever I was here with”.

That’s not a verbatim example but the gist!

such comments are very few and far between but when I point out they’re offensive, he literally cannot understand why and says im very easily offended.

That's quite an odd response. I understand how that would get draining. Is he trying to be funny?

Very literal. Sounds like something my autistic dad would say. He's crap with words too but loving in other ways - quality time and acts of service.

I'm also a bit crap with words. Genuinely really struggle to say how I feel - because I can't work out how I feel - and struggle to say loving things. It's just not how I work. But I like to think I show love in other ways.

Your boyfriend won't change. So accept it or move on. And acceptance can be life changing and freeing!

Sympathies as having similar issue!

Sometimes yes, actually, he is joking. But also sometimes he just genuinely doesn’t use his brain before he speaks.

I do acknowledge there may be a neurodiversity element but he has never been diagnosed with anything, and I actually have! So i’m inclined to think it’s just thoughtlessness.

Nothing whatsoever to do with love languages, just a question of compatibility.

I'd say this one probably won't work out after first flush is over. Just enjoy it while it lasts as it won't be too long til you both find each other impossible 😈

He sounds vile.

He sounds like Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. That is the sort of line he would have.

Seriously, have you considered that he may be autistic? Because that example you give is a striking example of a failure to understand the social relationship importance of what you said. Its a very literal way of communicating - he was just talking about the quality of the food.

Similarly it would explain why he cannot understand when he was causing offence and then blames you, not him, for the offence he caused. My Dad was autistic and was like this.

If he is, think twice about the relationship. He has some serious barriers to understanding what being in relationship means, and that will make things harder.

On what basis?

I have considered it, except such comments are quite infrequent. When they do happen, he absolutely cannot understand why i‘m offended.

He’s also been in relationships before, and was married, so I’m struggling to reconcile that with him not being able to navigate a relationship.

Comments like this make me laugh. He's 'vile' because he's different and clearly struggles with the kind of interaction op wants. Op asks for advice and support and this poster thinks posting 'he sounds vile' is helpful/ the right thing to do. The irony.

He’s definitely NOT vile.

Using your example above, the way you communicate will start to wind each other up.

Long-term, you like to talk and share, he prefers direct, factual speech. It will become frustrating.

You can have lots of fun together until then, but in my opinion it'll end in miscommunication and bickering. I actually think style of communication is really really important.

Sorry if harsh! Might well be wrong obvs!

I believe you op. I'm glad my partners have been understanding of how I struggle like your boyfriend does... Although to be honest I'm single again and never make it very long term with anyone! Some of us aren't good at relationships. I don't think it makes us bad people

^This.

Long term this won't work for you. Eventually, it will go from hurt to full on resentment. You'll never know where you are with him - whether you're everywhere or nowhere.

He's not enough of what you need (he sounds emotionally very basic).

Lots of autistic people get married. The failure rates for those marriages are really high - 80%.

My Ex was autistic. He was great when things were easy in our relationship. Absolutely adored me and it showed. We really laughed and got on brilliantly - lots of shared interests and opinions. But he could not be there when things were not great. In all relationships, the test of longevity is not how things are in good times, but how things are handled when things are not going well. That is what you need to pay attention do in a relationship.

Red flags from your post are (1) he simply cannot understand why you are offended. This inability to understand things from your perspective is a massive red flag. It does not bode well for his ability to handle more serious differences of perspective. (2) he shifts blame onto you with ' you are too sensitive'. Massive red flag. Some autistic people really hard to accept responsibility, or what they see as criticism ( even when it is not criticism) and instead shift blame onto others. This is a killer in relationships.

Whether he is autistic or not, those two behaviours are not good signs.

Is he....Dutch?

Seriously, that example is an odd thing to say for someone brought up with UK cultural behavioural norms and suggests that, for some reason, he has struggled to absorb these. Do other people in his life find him quite abrupt?

Not Dutch but you are close!

My DH is similar but he is like you a words person. He also quickly explains what he means because he often misjudges my facial response to it.

He misjudges my confusion and distracted face as something negative or he’s upset me.

We’ve been together almost 15 years. I’ll be honest, it does get trying at times being someone who is “acts of service” dealing with a “words” person.