How do you navigate different love languages?

[Cubagoodeggjunior]

I know the love language thing isn’t actually science but I’m trying to muddle my way through a relationship after years of singleness!

I’m in a relationship with a really wonderful man. Truly.

It’s quite clear, however, that words are not his thing. His actions are so kind, he’s (mostly) thoughtful and he seems very dedicated to a long term relationship with me.

However, he’s just awful with words. He accidentally insults me and then cannot fathom why I’m insulted and he gives very minimal compliments.

I am very much a words person and I am finding it a bit tricky sometimes.

For example, last week he started talking about what songs he’d have at our wedding… and yet his actual words on his feelings about me amount to the occasional “I quite like you, you know, Cuba Goodegg”, and not much else.

Similarly, he can’t keep his hands off me but conversely, I can count on one hand the number of times he’s complimented my appearance, and those occasions have been mild “you looked nice in that dress yesterday”.

Any time I’ve raised it, he’s been quite baffled that I have any insecurities regarding his feelings for me, but I teally do struggle with it.

I realise this is probably more my issue than his, but interested to know how people
deal with this kind of difference in a long term
relationship.

Are men just from Mars and women from Venus?

German? South African? Israeli?*

That's actually hugely relevant if you're British because the cultural norms in those societies are different and there can be a clash.

(*I am not saying that it's ok to be over blunt, or that people from those countries are all like that, but British people often perceive what some people from other cultures would see as normal comments as horribly rude because of the culture differences).

I realise now this was probably relevant to my OP! Could definitely be cultural.

I'm seeing a very similar man. He was married for 20 years. He says he has autistic traits when I mention that he has never complimented me. He has also never said he likes me but all his actions point to him liking me.

We are actually very similar, like doing all the same things. He is gentle caring and loving. Do people think that this is insurmountable then? I've no experience of dating someone who is possibly slightly autistic (is that a thing?)

It doesn't bother me btw, I am not one to compliment people either and feel awkward when people compliment me.

Have you thought maybe he might be on the autistic spectrum?

For the love of god. He doesn't remotely vile.

*sound

No he doesn't.

Maybe vile was overstating . But I get so fed up of posts by women working so hard to maintain relationships with men who see no need to modify their own behaviour even slightly to make life happier and easier for their significant others. Even when it's been made clear to them what the other person wants/needs. I mean-why would he "accidentally insult" her more than once? Why isn't he doing everything he can not to do it again?

This definitely makes a difference I think. Native language makes a huge difference to the way people express themselves in their second language, and there are also the cultural differences there too. One of our training team where I work has lots of stories about working in the Netherlands, and also Scandinavia, and having to contend with a much more pragmatic, blunt communication style to what he was used to.

He sounds like a literal speaker. My ASD son is the same. Just can't comprehend it.

My husband's 'love language ' is food. He's a massive feeder, he shows love by cooking and feeding us. I'm a food is fuel type and just am not interested in it. I have to consciously make the effort to give him what he needs when he's trying to fatten me up.

You've told him enough times and he still doesn't get it. He's not going to get it now unless you give him examples of what he could have said that would have made you happy to hear it I think.

Overtime you learn how to interpret what they do and say, rather than try and get them to change.

I'm a words person, I'd say "I love you" several times a day to my late OH, he said it maybe 10 times in 15 years. But he showed he loved my every day through acts of service. He'd always give me the "better steak" or the bigger slice of cake etc.

I do feel actions are better than words now, despite defaulting to words myself. I feel like it's harder to "lie" with actions.

Nobody can completely change their personality and still be comfortable/happy in themselves just because of what another person 'wants/needs'. It's not just about what one person wants/needs. What about what he wants/needs too? What if what he wants/needs is to not feel paranoid and be walking on eggshells every time he says something to his partner? What if what he wants/needs to express his love in a way that feels natural to him?

And sure, he can try to be more careful but ultimately he's not doing this deliberately - telling him not to accidentally upset her is a bit like telling someone not to drop something or not to fall over. There's a limit to what people can do to prevent something they're not doing on purpose, even if they take extra care. He isn't just being thoughtless here; he just doesn't see what the OP sees. A bit like you're not seeing this through any eyes other than your own.

I wouldn’t mind that tbh. I’d welcome it.

He sounds very literal but also, getting offended by that seems a bit extreme the other way? I think I would have raised an eyebrow and made a sarky remark back if it was obviously not intended maliciously.

The thing is you have to accept your partner for who they are, wholly. Everyone will have flaws or traits you find irritating, and you either have to accept them (humour and piss-taking help), or if they annoy you too much then you have to accept you're not compatible. Not even if you're compatible in other ways.

The exact levels of annoyance are individual. For me, DP is basically my perfect partner. But smoking is such a deal-breaker for me that if he did it, I couldn't be with him. Others might not find it a big deal, but I do. I've also read posters on here say they can overlook political differences. I absolutely cannot.

I personally wouldn't find your partner's overly literal mind a relationship-ending big deal, though definitely worthy of a few sarky clapbacks. If you do, though, that's your prerogative. But the main point is that you can't change him (and shouldn't try). He is who he is. You accept all of him, or you don't. The good points outweigh the flaws, or they don't. There's no rule about any of this, there's just your own feelings to guide you.

Maybe stop worrying about this "love languages" thing, and just accept your partner for who they are?
In other words, "don't sweat the small stuff"!

My dh gets it wrong with words. I write for a living. We are just different.

Once, in the early part of our relationship, about a year in, I really put myself out to support him and his friend in an event. It turned out to be lovely, and actually quite romantic for me and dh. I asked dh about my input afterwards... His response: "It had some practical benefits."

I roared with laughter and 30 years on it's become one of 'our phrases'. For us, humour diffuses a lot. We are very different in how we express ourselves but our core values are the same and we are extremely compatible.

I think a huge step forward would be to stop applying pop psychology and stereotypes and navigate the relationship as one human being to another. If your partner isn't behaving the way you want them to within your relationship you can either accept that or request change. If you don't get change you again either have to accept it or end the relationship. Whether you accept it or not depends on whether the good in the relationship outweighs the bad. Its really that simple.

@ItGhoul "telling him not to accidentally upset her is a bit like telling someone not to drop something or not to fall over. There's a limit to what people can do to prevent something they're not doing on purpose, even if they take extra care."

Of course. But there's no suggestion that this man is "taking extra care". At no point has he said "I'm sorry-I didn't mean to upset you-I'll do my best not to do it again".

How did you get past this though without being offended/emotionally unsatisfied in the meantime.

I’m finding it very draining despite liking him very very much.

My position is the exact same and I’m also wondering if it’s insurmountable.

When relationships are right they are easy. End of. No analysis needed when you both communicate in the same way using the same kind of language.

Good romantic and platonic relationships are sources of joy and make life better.

This sounds hard and annoying and I'd be calling it a day in this basis. You deserve someone who is well matched to you in all ways. Especially in fundamental comms.

My grandma always told me she used to say to her husband "don't tell me you love me, show me"

And he definitely shows me, there's no doubt that he is faithful and committed to the relationship. It has been enjoyable and easy. I love his company and he is very physically affectionate. Perhaps we are creating issues where none exist?

This is my worry, sadly. I told him today that it was hard that he was silent when I gave him a compliment. He responded that while he appreciated it, he would never really react to compliments (and, it would appear, doesn’t ever return a compliment).

That’s sad for me in a relationship. It feels horrid to say something nice to someone who responds with silence.

That said, his actions are lovely and far nicer than any man I’ve been with before.

I’m quite confused about how to move forward.

He called me this afternoon for a chat which was lovely. But for most of the chat he was fairly quiet and at times, short. And he ended the call, mid-conversation with “I’ll speak to you tomorrow. Bye”. And hung up.

I’ve come away feeling absolutely shit, but I also know it’s not personal.

in my head I’m getting ready to tell him that this doesn’t really work for me and I need more in the way of kind words and warmth. However, I also know I’d be absolutely devastated to lose him and it might be a mistake.

I'd keep observing him and your reaction to his ways. No need to rush into saying goodbye but perhaps this is the beginning of the end or you decide it's a lower priority against all of his good points and you can learn to live with it.

Personally I think this whole ‘love languages’ think is absolute nonsense but I would struggle with this blokes inability to communicate like an adult.

It’s funny though that 99.9% of men say their love language is physical touch - do they can say I’m not a groper with wandering hands who paws you non stop, it’s just my love language!!