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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for feeling like this? DH/other woman

66 replies

Wildginger · 03/03/2025 08:46

Back story: DH was obsessed with a woman that he used to go to school with, she didn't return those feelings. In fact she used to be quite mean to him and never turned up if they arranged to meet (before me and DH got together). I was friends with DH before we got together so I know he really did like this woman. When we did get together I wasn't keen on him still in contact with her and asked him to stop, he didn't. I then asked again and he did. I felt he was too flirty on his part. But I also found out he even used her name as one of his passwords. Which I wasn't happy about.
Anyway since we have been married and kids together and everything has been going really well. It's been years since no contact with her.

The problem now:

DH was gifted a membership for the gym, I have no problem with him going. I even said to him he should do something for himself. But this particular gym "she" goes there. She is there all the time. I know this as I always see her car there when I drive past everyday, I also have a mutual friend that knows her and sometimes works there.
This has made me feel really icked. I trust him, and I'm pretty sure she has no interest in him but I'm worried that it'll spark something back into him. After all he was chasing this woman since school into his 30s.
I feel a bit insecure yes, she's definitely better than me.
DH did say if he sees her he will just walk out. But will he? I don't know. If it was any other gym it would be fine. He also asked me if he should ask if the person to cancel the membership, which I said no as I know that the person wouldn't get the money back and they would have spent a fortune on it. Plus I know he really wants to go.

It's really making me feel unhappy and generally a little bit ill.

Are my feelings validated? I don't know what to do other than suck it up. But I don't know how long I can go on wondering when he goes there if he's with her.

OP posts:
saveforthat · 03/03/2025 08:49

Who gifted him the membership? It's quite an expensive gift. I don't think he should go no. The money is already spent if he goes or not.

Timeandemotion · 03/03/2025 08:56

She is not " better than you".

But I would be very unhappy about this situation.
Who gifted your DH the gym membership and why?
Just because he's been " gifted" the membership doesn't mean he has to go to the gym - countless people have gym memberships and don't actually bother going to the gym for one reason or another
Being a suspicious person I would wonder about how this whole situation has arisen. It sounds a very conveniently engineered excuse for your DH to see the object of his obsession.

Original poster
Wildginger · 03/03/2025 08:57

saveforthat · 03/03/2025 08:49

Who gifted him the membership? It's quite an expensive gift. I don't think he should go no. The money is already spent if he goes or not.

It was his family member.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildginger · 03/03/2025 08:58

Timeandemotion · 03/03/2025 08:56

She is not " better than you".

But I would be very unhappy about this situation.
Who gifted your DH the gym membership and why?
Just because he's been " gifted" the membership doesn't mean he has to go to the gym - countless people have gym memberships and don't actually bother going to the gym for one reason or another
Being a suspicious person I would wonder about how this whole situation has arisen. It sounds a very conveniently engineered excuse for your DH to see the object of his obsession.

It was a family member and she wouldn't have known.

OP posts:
saveforthat · 03/03/2025 08:58

Wildginger · 03/03/2025 08:57

It was his family member.

Show quote history

Are you sure he didn't just buy it himself?

Timeandemotion · 03/03/2025 08:58

Wildginger · 03/03/2025 08:57

It was his family member.

Show quote history

Presumably the family member is aware of DH's obsession with this woman.
Is that family member aware the woman goes to that gym?
It's all very convenient for your DH isn't it?

SandyY2K · 03/03/2025 09:00

If he's not still obsessed with her, why would he need to walk out of he sees her?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2025 09:02

Op it's unclear how long it's been since they were no contact/ you got married.
Is the family member who works there in a position to let you know if anything happens? I understand your unhappiness but I think you have to trust him unless he proves himself untrustworthy

Scottishskifun · 03/03/2025 09:03

Kindly I think you need to work on yourself a bit more.
Why would seeing someone he had a crush on in a gym setting where everyone is doing there own thing suddenly make a difference? He could see her in the street in a cafe etc etc etc.

If he's also concerned just say put some earplug headphones on and do your workout generally people don't disturb others!

Pootlemcsmootle · 03/03/2025 09:03

He shouldn't stop going to the gym and there's no way the family member would have known about this situation. He also shouldn't walk out if he sees her as then he'd never be able to workout.

I really think you have to trust him OP. There's not really another choice and I also can't see that he's acted badly here at all.

I think you need to work more on your own feelings. Yes he was in love with the girl with a longtime. That's an unchangeable fact but he loves you now, you're married, you're a family. You need to focus on your own insecurities as saying she's better than you, for example, is am awful way to look at yourself. Of course she's not better than you.

LIZS · 03/03/2025 09:03

Why that particular gym , was it his choice?

FinallyHere · 03/03/2025 09:05

I'd say this is all about you

He has chosen you, you have kids together, you are happy together.

You are in a great place together

Please don't let your insecurity mess that up by some insecurity around some random woman from his past.

Work on unpicking your own thoughts: You are not less than anyone. You are you, as Dr Seuss would say no one is better at being you than you.

Let this hot and enjoy your life.

Original poster
Wildginger · 03/03/2025 09:13

He didn't buy it for himself, I know this. They had chosen this gym because it's the closest to us.

The family member is unlikely to know about this woman and the feelings he had.

I say she's better than me because I have health conditions and can't do everything I used to do.

@SleepingStandingUp I wouldn't feel comfortable asking the friend that works there to keep an eye on things, that doesn't feel right.

OP posts:
LizardQueeny · 03/03/2025 09:16

Kindly, OP, this was all yours ago. Unless you have some specific reason to worry, I wouldn't give it another thought.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/03/2025 09:19

I wouldn’t be worried about this to be honest, it was so long ago and if after years of marriage and children going to the same gym as a woman would make him stray then you’re better off without him anyway

heroinechic · 03/03/2025 09:23

She isn't better than you, but I'm guessing that you've always felt second best to her as you witnessed your DH chasing her before the pair of you got together.

You sound unhealthily fixated on her, noting her whereabouts, knowing where she goes to the gym and how often etc. Why should your husband have to walk out of a gym if he sees her? Have you given any thought to how odd this woman might view that behaviour? He probably hasn't crossed her mind in all these years, please don't give her this power over your marriage.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/03/2025 09:23

It's a bit odd that he feels he has to walk out if he sees her, I think you're actually going to end up fuelling his obsession by kind of deifying her, making her more important than she needs to be. Just brush it off. He fancied her, then he got together with you. She's just part of the past. If you act like he only has to be in her vicinity to fall madly in love then you're valuing yourself below her - if you believe that then he's more likely to feel that.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/03/2025 09:28

Do you trust him or not?

Timeandemotion · 03/03/2025 09:32

It sounds as though you live in a small community: you have mutual friends with this woman, you know her well enough to know her car, she is at the gym " all the time" so presumably the gym is near where she lives as well as you.
Surely then your DH must have been running into this woman at points over the years?
If that's the case then going to the gym when she's there should be no big deal. Unless you feel his interest in going to this gym does stem from your DH having a convenient reason to spend time with her.

Original poster
Wildginger · 03/03/2025 09:33

heroinechic · 03/03/2025 09:23

She isn't better than you, but I'm guessing that you've always felt second best to her as you witnessed your DH chasing her before the pair of you got together.

You sound unhealthily fixated on her, noting her whereabouts, knowing where she goes to the gym and how often etc. Why should your husband have to walk out of a gym if he sees her? Have you given any thought to how odd this woman might view that behaviour? He probably hasn't crossed her mind in all these years, please don't give her this power over your marriage.

I only know because I have to drive past everyday and I see her go past. Having an unusual car, it stands out. It just so happens it works out at around the same time. You made it sound like I'm stalking her 😂 I have also seen her in the gyms promotional material. Otherwise I wouldn't know.

The sad thing is he remembers her gym timetable from years ago! He knows.

There is a few other things that haven't mentioned but I won't go into.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildginger · 03/03/2025 09:36

Timeandemotion · 03/03/2025 09:32

It sounds as though you live in a small community: you have mutual friends with this woman, you know her well enough to know her car, she is at the gym " all the time" so presumably the gym is near where she lives as well as you.
Surely then your DH must have been running into this woman at points over the years?
If that's the case then going to the gym when she's there should be no big deal. Unless you feel his interest in going to this gym does stem from your DH having a convenient reason to spend time with her.

Oddly, she doesn't live anywhere near us. DH doesn't understand why she's now going to this gym as she used to go to a different one that we all used to go to the other side of town.
Maybe it's cheaper or something.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 03/03/2025 09:36

You need to work on yourself, instead of worrying about this. He could see her anywhere, at any time.

i’ve been obsessed with certain men over my life, and if I see them now, might be a quick smile .. followed by me wondering what I saw in them in the first place.

Sparkletastic · 03/03/2025 09:36

Hmmm I wonder if he was gifted this gym membership after hints / direct request from him. If you recognised her car and know she's a regular he would know that too. All sounds rather convenient.

Original poster
Wildginger · 03/03/2025 09:37

Sparkletastic · 03/03/2025 09:36

Hmmm I wonder if he was gifted this gym membership after hints / direct request from him. If you recognised her car and know she's a regular he would know that too. All sounds rather convenient.

I did wonder if he hinted or ask for it as a gift.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 03/03/2025 09:37

Wildginger · 03/03/2025 09:33

I only know because I have to drive past everyday and I see her go past. Having an unusual car, it stands out. It just so happens it works out at around the same time. You made it sound like I'm stalking her 😂 I have also seen her in the gyms promotional material. Otherwise I wouldn't know.

The sad thing is he remembers her gym timetable from years ago! He knows.

There is a few other things that haven't mentioned but I won't go into.

Show quote history

Don’t be doing a “drip feed” of a mysterious “things I can’t tell you”. People can’t give you decent advice if you that. Plus it can make it seem like you are creating a narrative to fit.