Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Aibu for feeling like this? DH/other woman

66 replies

Wildginger · 03/03/2025 08:46

Back story: DH was obsessed with a woman that he used to go to school with, she didn't return those feelings. In fact she used to be quite mean to him and never turned up if they arranged to meet (before me and DH got together). I was friends with DH before we got together so I know he really did like this woman. When we did get together I wasn't keen on him still in contact with her and asked him to stop, he didn't. I then asked again and he did. I felt he was too flirty on his part. But I also found out he even used her name as one of his passwords. Which I wasn't happy about.
Anyway since we have been married and kids together and everything has been going really well. It's been years since no contact with her.

The problem now:

DH was gifted a membership for the gym, I have no problem with him going. I even said to him he should do something for himself. But this particular gym "she" goes there. She is there all the time. I know this as I always see her car there when I drive past everyday, I also have a mutual friend that knows her and sometimes works there.
This has made me feel really icked. I trust him, and I'm pretty sure she has no interest in him but I'm worried that it'll spark something back into him. After all he was chasing this woman since school into his 30s.
I feel a bit insecure yes, she's definitely better than me.
DH did say if he sees her he will just walk out. But will he? I don't know. If it was any other gym it would be fine. He also asked me if he should ask if the person to cancel the membership, which I said no as I know that the person wouldn't get the money back and they would have spent a fortune on it. Plus I know he really wants to go.

It's really making me feel unhappy and generally a little bit ill.

Are my feelings validated? I don't know what to do other than suck it up. But I don't know how long I can go on wondering when he goes there if he's with her.

OP posts:

Enough4me · 08/03/2025 23:49

OP did he show signs of stalking her before?
She obviously wasn't interested, he knows the gym she goes to, he's hinted gym membership to be gifted access to the gym.
Is he stalking her now?

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 09/03/2025 00:23

Could you go to the gym with him OP? Make it something fun that you do together, and then see how the land lays.

I must admit I wouldn't be at all happy about this, but in all honesty, I wouldn't have married him unless I was 100% sure his feelings for her had gone. I'm SO sorry that this is making you feel like you're second best.

I think you need to sit down and have a really good think about what would put your mind at rest, be HONEST with yourself, don't try and kid yourself that you're fine with it, if you're not, as it's only going to haunt you every time he picks up his gym bag. Then, if, as I suspect, you realise that you would be on edge every time he went, then I think you have to tell him that you don't want him to use the gym membership. If he argues that it would be 'such a waste of money', and promises that 'he'll have nothing to do with her, if only you'll let him prove he's not interested', then I'd be seriously considering whether the relationship is over. On the other hand, if he says 'darling, I totally understand, and the last thing I want to do is upset you, so I'm not going to use the membership', then I think you can feel safe, and that his feelings for her ARE over. Oh, and just a thought, could you make use of the membership, and buy him one for a different gym?

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 09/03/2025 00:30

He’s really playing with fire if he’s going to a gym he knows she frequents, where you won’t be, given how strongly he felt for her and the likelihood that feeling / attraction won’t have fully gone away. He really should be questioning his judgement here. Really hope he didn’t ask for the gym membership with her in mind. I’d be worried enough to lightly say to the relative that it was a really thoughtful gift and how did they think of it, purely to see for certain if he’d suggested it or not.

BarbieGirlInABarbieWorld · 09/03/2025 00:41

Why on earth would you have hooked up with this man in the first place having had front row seats to his obsession with this woman, stayed WITH him while it continued, and then married and had children with him?

Vestigially · 09/03/2025 00:57

AlexandrinaH · 03/03/2025 09:54

I am struggling to see what you found attractive in a man who was clearly and unashamedly obsessed with someone else.

Yes, it’s completely mad! And weirdly claustrophobic, if he’s been obsessed since his schooldays, and you’re all still living in the same town, going to the same gyms, knowing about one another’s movements, recognising one another’s cars!

Amba1998 · 09/03/2025 04:20

Frankly your H sounds like a creep

jellyfishperiwinkle · 09/03/2025 05:01

SandyY2K · 03/03/2025 09:00

If he's not still obsessed with her, why would he need to walk out of he sees her?

Indeed. A quick acknowledgement, put headphones on and get on with your workout.

Frankly if he can't do that then he will be doing her a favour by fucking off out of the gym. Who would want some obsessed buffoon gorping at you while you are trying to work out?

Lambington · 09/03/2025 05:54

It doesn't sound like this poor woman is the least bit interested in your "d"h. The problem will probably solve itself when she takes out a restraining order against him.

farmlife2 · 09/03/2025 06:21

Your feelings seem entirely reasonable to me, OP. He should see if he can have a transfer to another gym.

TBH though, if she's always at the gym, she can't be that interesting if that's all she does.

Gundogday · 09/03/2025 07:20

I would be concerned as well, if he had a crush on her from teens to thirties. That doesn’t just go away, sorry to say.

PerkyGreenCat · 09/03/2025 07:46

Reading this has left me feeling uneasy and concerned for this lady at the gym.

Like PP, I have no idea why you dated and then married a grown adult who you knew had been creepy towards another woman.

You say this continued well into his 30s so it wasn't just a teenage crush. As an adult, he had her name as his password, was sending flirty emails to her, and even now he still remembers her gym routine. That is not ok!

No one buys someone a gym membership without some kind of conversation about whether they want it and which gym they want it for. It's quite a personal gift to get someone so the family member is unlikely to have just bought it on a whim. You say this lady is on the promotional material. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened here.

Your husband is a creepy stalker and if I knew this lady in real life, I'd be giving her the heads up. At least then she can speak to the manager or cancel her membership. Not that she should have to do any of that but we all know how this works. Fucking creepy men rule the world.

She's clearly found somewhere that she's happy with if she's on the promotional material. She's going to feel so uncomfortable when your pervy Pete shows up staring at her in her lycra. He's fucking disgusting.

Can you use the membership instead?

JMSA · 09/03/2025 07:48

I guarantee you that if he has it in him to be unfaithful to you, cancelling the gym membership will make not one bit of difference. He would find another way.

VanillaVein · 09/03/2025 08:48

Most (all) gyms have that one creepy guy lurking around. For this particular gym your husband is that guy. I'm actually concerned for the woman in question.

Thornybush · 09/03/2025 09:13

I would be worried for you if you ever split. It sounds like he doesn't take no for an answer. He could start stalking you too. He sounds like a predator.

heroinechic · 09/03/2025 10:14

My jaw is on the floor with some of these comments. The fact that some of you have deemed this man the local creep, a predator etc off the back of the info we have is frankly bizarre.

He fancied a woman before he was married with kids and pursued her. This was clearly two way contact as OP says that she wouldn't turn up whenever they'd arrange to meet, and later says the emails were too flirty on his part considering he was now in a relationship with OP (indicating that she was responding so hadn't blocked his man as you'd expect if she didn't want contact). Sounds to me like the woman liked the attention from him but didn't want to engage physically.

That said, they haven't had any contact for years. A family member buys him a gym membership to quite literally their closest gym and all of a sudden this was manufactured by him to get close to this woman again so he can leer at her in Lycra and make this woman uncomfortable?!

I'm not saying it's not possible, we all know creepy men, but to jump to this being the most likely option on the info we have is a leap! It seems to me like the OP is more aware of this woman and her movements than her DH is!

Thornybush · 09/03/2025 13:38

Oh come on heroinechic - OP even describes him as previously being "obsessed " with this woman.
He used her name as a password. That is not normal behaviour for someone who is not in a relationship with the person
It's creepy and weird.

Flip

1 2 3