Aibu for feeling like this? DH/other woman

[Wildginger]

Back story: DH was obsessed with a woman that he used to go to school with, she didn't return those feelings. In fact she used to be quite mean to him and never turned up if they arranged to meet (before me and DH got together). I was friends with DH before we got together so I know he really did like this woman. When we did get together I wasn't keen on him still in contact with her and asked him to stop, he didn't. I then asked again and he did. I felt he was too flirty on his part. But I also found out he even used her name as one of his passwords. Which I wasn't happy about.
Anyway since we have been married and kids together and everything has been going really well. It's been years since no contact with her.

The problem now:

DH was gifted a membership for the gym, I have no problem with him going. I even said to him he should do something for himself. But this particular gym "she" goes there. She is there all the time. I know this as I always see her car there when I drive past everyday, I also have a mutual friend that knows her and sometimes works there.
This has made me feel really icked. I trust him, and I'm pretty sure she has no interest in him but I'm worried that it'll spark something back into him. After all he was chasing this woman since school into his 30s.
I feel a bit insecure yes, she's definitely better than me.
DH did say if he sees her he will just walk out. But will he? I don't know. If it was any other gym it would be fine. He also asked me if he should ask if the person to cancel the membership, which I said no as I know that the person wouldn't get the money back and they would have spent a fortune on it. Plus I know he really wants to go.

It's really making me feel unhappy and generally a little bit ill.

Are my feelings validated? I don't know what to do other than suck it up. But I don't know how long I can go on wondering when he goes there if he's with her.

This. Why can't he just say hello and carry on?
I live in a small community where no-one would be able to do anything or do anywhere if we were avoiding ex's/previous crushes etc.
He's an adult, married with a family. He can just say hi?! Don't get this at all!

Deary me, let him go and stop overthinking it.

She wasn't interested in him before so it's highly unlikely she will be interested in him now he is married with a couple of kids.

If anything does actually materialise then you kick him out and divorce him. Pining after her like a desperate puppy is very unattractive. What made you stick with him?

Does she actually still own the car? It could be someone else?

And he goes at the same time as her ? Os is staying away at those times?
I think he needs to find another gym as I wouldn’t want my dh lusting over someone also men tend not to give up with someone they had their eye on for years. This is too much temptation .

These other things you won’t go into, I suspect are relevant.

Your husband’s obsession with her is making me uncomfortable, I can’t imagine how she feels to see him creeping around after her at the gym. Ugh.

If he values you at all, I think he needs to leave the gym.

During our relationship he had tried looking her up on Facebook, I just feel like why would he need to do that?

He has also bought her up In conversations which I have brushed off.
Why be flirty In emails to her while we were in a relationship? He could still be emailing her from work, I wouldn't know.

Im fairly relaxed and very much don’t think about my DHs past, but this is different, you were friends with him while he was obsessing over this woman, I’d struggle too.

But, she is ABSOLUTELY NOT BETTER THAN YOU! Please don’t think of yourself that way. I know it’s easier said than done, but you are his wife and the mother of his children, you deserve to feel you are the best!

The only thing I can think of doing in your position is sitting DH down and telling him how you feel, you know how this woman effected him, you saw it, you know he loves you but you can’t help worry he never got over her and your not sure how that makes you feel. You trust him, but you can’t trust he won’t get feelings for her again. Any decisions on the membership have to come from him, you can’t make that call, he needs to make it.

It sounds like you don't trust him, then that needs to be discussed between you both.

Doesn't sound like she's interested in him though?

A gym membership is a huge gift unless you are absolutely sure someone wants it and would use it. I would be absolutely astounded @Wildginger if the conversation with the family member didn't go like this...

Family member (FM) what would you like for your birthday?

DH a gym membership would be awesome. That gym down the road looks great and is handy being local.

FM OK I'll get that.

Or

FM I've been thinking about getting you a gym membership, what do u think?

DH yeh that would be great, that gym down the road would be the most convenient for me.

FM no problem.

I would wager my life savings that the family member didn't just get the membership with absolutely no conversation with your DH previously.

Could you approach the family member and just say
"Gosh that was a great gift you got for DH, he is really pleased with it, what made u think of that as a gift?" And see what they say maybe 🤷

That’s interesting you say that because who buys someone gym membership not knowing if they actually want it or not?

I definitely would not. Going to the gym is a personal choice and not everyone is into it.

I am struggling to see what you found attractive in a man who was clearly and unashamedly obsessed with someone else.

Honestly the relationship with you both should never have got off the ground .
You’re right he could be . Maybe he isn’t though .
If it was your dh would he be happy you going in these circumstances?

Yes I do think you are drip feeding.
From making it look as though you were being a bit paranoid about this woman you are now giving out information that shows you have actually got grounds for suspicion he has engineered this situation.

So you feel he's hung up on her and is using you as a placeholder until he can get her?

Men will do that. They'll do it for fucking years. I've seen it happen. They will marry women they're not really into and continue chasing - either other random women they actually are interested in, or the one that got away.

Whilst it does happen, it doesn't mean it's happening here. But unfortunately none of us can read your partners mind. If you feel you have reason to be unsure and insecure, it's him you need to talk to.

He must have asked for it as a gift. It's a very random gift otherwise. He knew she would be there and that's why he wanted it.

You are suspicious because you're picking up on something.

It's quite unusual for someone to be completely obsessed for years and that sort of thing runs deep. Maybe he did 'get over' it for a while... but it's back.
I don't know if you should do anything about it. Maybe just let it run its course. It sounds like she was never interested in him anyway.

If she didn’t like him years ago, would she not just think he was that creepy obsessive weirdo from school if he’s still creeping around after her?

Is she likely to suddenly swoon about your husband?

Could this be more about your own health situation/insecurities?

If she's at the gym every time you drive past then surely he's not at the gym when she is. Sounds like you are both obsessed with this woman.

Assuming he parents his children and has a job, he should have a time he goes to the gym when you're not driving past. Go with him a couple of times a week.

Are you so paranoid that you are ignoring the obvious that he might have been saying that he needs to get fit again but can't warrant the cost (like so many people do) and a family member bought him a gym membership?

You either trust him or you don't. Leave if you don't trust him. He stopped talking to her when you asked again. Now you want him to avoid seeing her in public. If she wanted him she would have been with him years ago.

He was obviously still interested in her when he was with you initially. Whether he is still interested, is something only he knows.

It's years later now, but him looking her up abs being flirty were signs that I wouldn't have ignored.

It's a long time to be so into someone, from school to his 30s. Does he have an obsessive personality on other areas of life? Getting fixated on things?

I'm confident in myself, and am old enough that I should be able to rise above this, but in reality couldn't handle this. She'll be there in her tight gym gear and of course he'll look. I don't know what to suggest, sorry OP.

Why did you stay with him when he was being flirty with her earlier in your relationship? That was a sign that he still liked her.

Very easy solution. He doesn't use that gym. If the money is lost then so be it. Tell him to do that or you'll divorce him. His obsession is weird, unhealthy and disrespectful to you.

I would leave not because of jealousy it just all sounds seedy

That poor woman. She is probably really comfortable at the gym and maybe has a set routine and possible friends there and now a creepy, obsessed bloke from her past is now rocking up at her gym.

I hope she reports him to the manager if he starts making her feel uncomfortable.

Were they ever together OP or was it always him obsessing over her and her not being interested?

I think you need an honest conversation with him about this and find out how the membership came about and what he’s hoping might happen if/when he sees her.

It isn’t practical or sensible that he just leaves the gym when she’s there. And how would you ever police that.

Does the gym have another branch that the membership could be transferred to?