To think a man should speak to you more than this?

AllyHayHay · 2025-03-02T23:42:56+00:00

We are in a long marriage, kids left home long ago. We had issues but nothing terrible in the past. But in past 15 years it's gone flat. He never talks to me, or share/asks opinions. He can sit for 8 hours straight in evening with Ipad with no words. If i talk he is ok but seems strained to answer. He never, ever brings up a conversation or speaks his mind. Over time I have come to the conclusion that he is addled, with a short attention span, and as a result of staring at youtube vids for most of his time awake. The content is fine (hobby, cute stuff) but there is just no life here now. I have had the conversation over the past few years but he is not interested. I think we are dying, although there are no other people and we generally get along ok, so long as I don't ask for anything deep. I can talk about stuff that interests me and then a few mins later I see he isn't really listening, just nodding. I am 51 and soon to be changing career. I wonder if I ought to cut ties? Has anyone else had this issue with their DH or DP? It's not new, and it isn't going to change.

Yellowcakestand · 02/03/2025 23:48

After all this time it doesn't look like he has an interest in being sociable. I'd be off whilst you have years to enjoy. Travel. Meet new people.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 02/03/2025 23:49

Oh dear, it does look like you might be better off separating OP. Why waste your life on someone who clearly isn't bothered whether you're there or not. Have you never blown up at him about his head always being in his ipad?

I think in your shoes, I'd make it a new career and a new life, would you be able to cope financially alone?

Original poster

AllyHayHay · 02/03/2025 23:51

I suppose I wonder if this is normal for a middle aged couple?
This kind of disengagement?

Am I alone in this or am I being messed with?

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Applepickle · 02/03/2025 23:51

I'm married to one of those. I'm slowly considering leaving, tbh. I'm not sure I can do what's left of my life like this. I want to be with someone who wants to engage with me. Either that or be happily alone.

Maitri108 · 02/03/2025 23:52

This has been going on for 15 years? I'd take the hint and move on.

Original poster

AllyHayHay · 02/03/2025 23:54

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 02/03/2025 23:49

Oh dear, it does look like you might be better off separating OP. Why waste your life on someone who clearly isn't bothered whether you're there or not. Have you never blown up at him about his head always being in his ipad?

I think in your shoes, I'd make it a new career and a new life, would you be able to cope financially alone?

I hav definitely brought it up over time, but he either seems upset about it or gets angry, as if I am cramping his style.

He often admits the philosophical angle of this during conversations but it never changes.

Before the internet he was very vibrant and communicative. He doesn't read anything bad, just hobby stuff, but it is every day and night, and for up to 10 hours, or at least the time we have at home, awake.

he is retired, I am still working from home.

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TheStigarette · 03/03/2025 00:03

I can relate. It's so so hard..

Biffsboys · 03/03/2025 00:11

You’re 51 - get out of this relationship and live your life !

madmeg1952 · 03/03/2025 00:11

My DH would be happy whether I were with him or not. Over the years (52!) he has mostly forgotten our past, never mentions the future, has no plans to do anything either alone or together and half of the time at least he is in another room/outside/at Tesco. He barely speaks to me and if I speak he either ignores me or is apparently surprised that I am even in the same room.

But we are 78 and 74 and both with health problems. If I had realised all this at your age I would not have stayed, but back then I worked two demanding jobs and had loads of other stuff to occupy my time so his (lack of) company was not something I really noticed. I did think that retirement would mean we would plan new things, go places and have interesting conversations. I also imagined us renovating the house and garden as we had discussed but 15 years on it is in a worse state.

I'm not sure that if we split up he would ever do anything at all in his life. He has never helped much with chores, the garden is overgrown, he wears dirty clothes and only showers about once a week. He'd never have his hair cut if I didn't do it for him.

I see other couples our age who laugh together, outwardly care for each other, go places and do things together. We don't, except we do go on holidays cos I do all the organising - but he is just the same when we are away so I wonder why I bothered.

No, I regret not having made the break 20+ years ago. Do it now.

Original poster

AllyHayHay · 03/03/2025 00:12

So its this unusual?

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madmeg1952 · 03/03/2025 00:19

Is it unusual to feel like this? I have no proof but I don't think it is, at least not this bad for most couples. I dread whatever is left of my life, but feel it's now too late for us to change anything.

healthybychristmas · 03/03/2025 00:22

Yes it is unusual. I agree with you it sounds as though he's damaging his own mind with his behaviour but nothing you say seems to have any impact. What would living separately look like? You're still working, he's retired. Is the mortgage paid off? Is he on a work pension?

Miaowzabella · 03/03/2025 00:27

It's a form of infidelity isn't it? Your husband has effectively left you for the Internet.

Franjipanl8r · 03/03/2025 00:29

My parents are both 70, they have lots of conversations and joke around. But neither of them are addicted to YouTube. Give him an ultimatum - he quits YouTube or you file for a divorce. He’s an addict and it’s rotting his brain.

Maitri108 · 03/03/2025 00:29

AllyHayHay · 03/03/2025 00:12

So its this unusual?

Is this the only relationship you've had or observed?

Yes, OP it's unusual for someone who's meant to love you to ignore you for hours on end. Your husband should want to spend time with you and talk to you. That's the minimum you should expect.

Original poster

AllyHayHay · 03/03/2025 00:37

To answer a few questions - we rent but are financially good. That was a choice so no complaints there. Thanks to this, if we part, it won't cause issue.

We sold our original home many years ago and our kids benefited form that.

I don't think his habits are normal in view of a healthy relationship. I am free as a bird really, since no financial ties, but we are habitually together. This is harder than you'd think.

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OrdinaryO888 · 03/03/2025 00:49

I don’t think it’s unusual that men can be more cut off and uncommunicative than their female partner, especially in a long marriage. I’ve no idea why they are like this and so emotionless tbh.

But sitting looking at the internet for eight to ten hours straight, day and night, does seem unusual and very extreme to me.

Is he depressed? Addicted? Is it an early sign of dementia? Or burn out? Was his career very stressful? It seems to me like some sort of extremely avoidant behaviour.

Does he have no friends at all or any other interests? Does he never exercise? Does he interact with anyone outside the home?

Have you talked to him about it threatening your marriage Op? After fifteen years, it’s looking unlikely that he will change tbh. I certainly wouldn’t be able to put up with it for another fifteen years that’s for sure.

Ownedbykitties · 03/03/2025 00:49

It's not particularly unusual. I know many women who have partners who disappear into their device of choice and there is no conversation or connection between them. They are fact, married to their computer. The computer is their friend, companion, entertainment, source of information and sometimes their sexual partner. The computer demands nothing in return and can be shut down at will without an argument or emotion. I have several friends in this position and my husband was the same. I stood up to him two or three years ago (I definitely should have done it sooner but like a pp I was working full time plus and running the house and I just didn't have thinking space).He has since changed but I will never feel as I did nor do I trust him or feel as safe with him as I once did. I'm retired now and I decided to stay and allow him to stay because my life would be harder without him both financially and because of health problems. We get on much better now and we are living as house mates rather than spouses but that's fine for me. You are younger. I would go if I was younger and didn't need him around so if you can possibly get out, I would say do it. It is an addiction and it won't change unless he wants it to. I made life particularly difficult and uncomfortable for my partner for more than two years and if he did the same again, I would make it as uncomfortable as possible again. He is aware of that. Best of luck.

Original poster

AllyHayHay · 03/03/2025 00:57

Ownedbykitties · 03/03/2025 00:49

It's not particularly unusual. I know many women who have partners who disappear into their device of choice and there is no conversation or connection between them. They are fact, married to their computer. The computer is their friend, companion, entertainment, source of information and sometimes their sexual partner. The computer demands nothing in return and can be shut down at will without an argument or emotion. I have several friends in this position and my husband was the same. I stood up to him two or three years ago (I definitely should have done it sooner but like a pp I was working full time plus and running the house and I just didn't have thinking space).He has since changed but I will never feel as I did nor do I trust him or feel as safe with him as I once did. I'm retired now and I decided to stay and allow him to stay because my life would be harder without him both financially and because of health problems. We get on much better now and we are living as house mates rather than spouses but that's fine for me. You are younger. I would go if I was younger and didn't need him around so if you can possibly get out, I would say do it. It is an addiction and it won't change unless he wants it to. I made life particularly difficult and uncomfortable for my partner for more than two years and if he did the same again, I would make it as uncomfortable as possible again. He is aware of that. Best of luck.

Shit, this says so much about how feminism hasn't progressed!
We still need to stay with unsuitable men to 'survive'.

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BraverThanTheyThink · 03/03/2025 01:07

madmeg1952 · 03/03/2025 00:19

Is it unusual to feel like this? I have no proof but I don't think it is, at least not this bad for most couples. I dread whatever is left of my life, but feel it's now too late for us to change anything.

madmeg... NEVER too late.
What if when you're eighty something, you think to yourself, I have just wasted the last ten years (on top of any previous time that coasted by), when you could've at least tried to aim for your dreams.

Assuming you could physically and mentally cope on your own, why not go for it?
You are actually allowed to enjoy your life.
You've done the grunt work, and now your being rewarded with a silence, that could be borne more easily if you were living alone.
The worst kind of isolation, is when there is another person there, but no communication.
Please please DO something for YOU 🙏🏻

Original poster

AllyHayHay · 03/03/2025 01:14

BraverThanTheyThink · 03/03/2025 01:07

madmeg... NEVER too late.
What if when you're eighty something, you think to yourself, I have just wasted the last ten years (on top of any previous time that coasted by), when you could've at least tried to aim for your dreams.

Assuming you could physically and mentally cope on your own, why not go for it?
You are actually allowed to enjoy your life.
You've done the grunt work, and now your being rewarded with a silence, that could be borne more easily if you were living alone.
The worst kind of isolation, is when there is another person there, but no communication.
Please please DO something for YOU 🙏🏻

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I so agree with this.
I am not afraid, at all, of being alone. I have many friends and hobbies.

I think for my part it is familiarity, and just something I have always done?

I will be worse of financially if I leave him, but why would anyone advise me to stay with a dead end for money?

It's a tricky one. And as much as MN likes to tout feminism, it often advisees staying with awful men for financial security

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BraverThanTheyThink · 03/03/2025 01:16

AllyHayHay · 03/03/2025 00:37

To answer a few questions - we rent but are financially good. That was a choice so no complaints there. Thanks to this, if we part, it won't cause issue.

We sold our original home many years ago and our kids benefited form that.

I don't think his habits are normal in view of a healthy relationship. I am free as a bird really, since no financial ties, but we are habitually together. This is harder than you'd think.

I totally believe that's what you're living with is hard.
Maybe you believe that the only reason to "start again" is if you were being obviously physically/mentally abused.
However,, in an odd way, you are being abused, coz he's withholding so much of himself that you used to enjoy about him.
As long as he's happy, ie left alone to do whatever, and have a clean pleasant home to live in, he's got it made with zero effort from him.
Lady - I believe you only get one life, do you really want to look back in future years and "wish that you had done it"?

If he can't love and respect you, then please live and respect yourself and your life, and do what you need to do for yourself.

Original poster

AllyHayHay · 03/03/2025 01:26

BraverThanTheyThink · 03/03/2025 01:16

I totally believe that's what you're living with is hard.
Maybe you believe that the only reason to "start again" is if you were being obviously physically/mentally abused.
However,, in an odd way, you are being abused, coz he's withholding so much of himself that you used to enjoy about him.
As long as he's happy, ie left alone to do whatever, and have a clean pleasant home to live in, he's got it made with zero effort from him.
Lady - I believe you only get one life, do you really want to look back in future years and "wish that you had done it"?

If he can't love and respect you, then please live and respect yourself and your life, and do what you need to do for yourself.

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If I am honest this is how I feel, you are quite right.

I tend to see it all as ok since we allow each other to live how we like - but it does feel abusive, and I am often so alone. I don't think he inteds it as such, but there HAS to be some level fo entitlement there to think this is ok.

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BraverThanTheyThink · 03/03/2025 01:33

AllyHayHay · 03/03/2025 01:26

If I am honest this is how I feel, you are quite right.

I tend to see it all as ok since we allow each other to live how we like - but it does feel abusive, and I am often so alone. I don't think he inteds it as such, but there HAS to be some level fo entitlement there to think this is ok.

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Hey, stop trying to figure him out.
There could be many reasons for his behaviour, and his lack of care and consideration for me you.
Even if you succeeded in answering your own questions, that’s still going to leave you in the same predicament.
Youd be better off using you brain to figure out plans to live your best life while you can.
Time won’t wait for you, and he’s not changing, so YOU need to change things.
would a misplaced feeling of guilt keep you where you are?
Bet he’s not feeling guilty for how he’s behaving.
Take care, yes?

TheSilentSister · 03/03/2025 02:05

TBH you both sound unhappy.
I was 50 when I realised this and now mid 50 and in my own house, mortgage free and loving it. I'm free to do what I want and slowly starting to realise it. It's been a long haul getting to this point and it's affected me mentally but I'll get there. Far better than staying in an unfulfilling relationship.
It's never too late to start over. Plus, you'll hate yourself if you stay and not say/do anything about it. Talk to him.