To think a man should speak to you more than this?

[AllyHayHay]

We are in a long marriage, kids left home long ago.
We had issues but nothing terrible in the past. But in past 15 years it's gone flat. He never talks to me, or share/asks opinions. He can sit for 8 hours straight in evening with Ipad with no words.
If i talk he is ok but seems strained to answer. He never, ever brings up a conversation or speaks his mind.

Over time I have come to the conclusion that he is addled, with a short attention span, and as a result of staring at youtube vids for most of his time awake. The content is fine (hobby, cute stuff) but there is just no life here now. I have had the conversation over the past few years but he is not interested.

I think we are dying, although there are no other people and we generally get along ok, so long as I don't ask for anything deep. I can talk about stuff that interests me and then a few mins later I see he isn't really listening, just nodding.

I am 51 and soon to be changing career. I wonder if I ought to cut ties?

Has anyone else had this issue with their DH or DP?

It's not new, and it isn't going to change.

Its not normal—certainly not in my marriage after 35 years together. We still have plenty to talk anout.

Well based on my parents 45 years and wishing they would shut up each evening so I can actually watch a whole tv program no I don't think it's normal 😂 sadly my grandparents are also the same at 68 years of marriage and ye I just want silence sometimes haha

Such days are really hard to bear. The two of us have no passion and common topics anymore. Leave him.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing - my DH reads manga and watches Facebook/Insta Reels when we’re together, with little conversation. He also spends hours a day on the computer upstairs, gaming with friends. We did talk a lot at the beginning of the relationship but it’s not as much now. We’re early-mid 40s for comparison.

We still have the intimacy though - the in-jokes, the silly songs, the hugs in the kitchen etc. If that died, I’d likely find the quiet more oppressive.

However, at the moment, I’m happy with it - I have hobbies and interests of my own and happy to pursue them while he sits in the house in front of a screen. If he can put up with my incessant chattering when I get back, I can put up with his taciturn device obsession.

If it’s not what you want though, OP - that’s all that matters. Sounds like you’re gearing up for a change in life and don’t mind overhauling everything at the same time. More power to you - you get just one life so live it for you!

As much as I can understand why someone chooses to stay in a bad situation because of money, I think that if it’s a case of having less money but more joy, you should seriously consider if that familiarity you say you’ve got used to, is making you happier than what you could be achieving.

Many years ago when I was living alone, and so dependant on my job as income, I was very unhappy in the way I was being treated, but too insecure to change, as well as coping with a disability.

Then matters were taken out of my hands when my employer no longer could support my situation, and therefore I “lost” my job.

My income therefore reduced dramatically.
from a decent salary to benefits, is quite a reality check.
BUT
although I had to change how I budgeted, and it was a struggle, the RELIEF of not having to face that place of work anymore, to not have to deal with the constant pressure of dealing with their attitude to my disability was worth every penny I no longer earned.

To walk past that building and to know I was “free”, made me richer than any salary.

SO, if you can make your finances work for you, and living alone is not a dread, then it would seem that it’s the “habit” of what you’ve endured for so long, that’s holding you back.

My example shows that I HAD to change, but because you have a choice, your situation requires you to make the choice.
You (and the familiarity) are the only person holding you back!

Dont be scared to choose happiness.

We have a saying in Thailand well my friends group does.
If he becomes a part of the furniture its time to re decorate.
Meaning hes there but not in use for you anymore.
Hes just blending in with the furniture.
Time to put your self first and have a life you want.

I think you should escape before the resentment builds to fever pitch and the relationship ends badly.

It really doesn't matter whether it's normal, or fair, or bad, or whether some people would be fine with it. Even if your husband spent all his time entertaining sick children in hospital, if you don't like him doing that, that's not something anyone else is entitled to have an opinion on.

If it's not what you want to live with, he doesn't want to change and you think you'd be better off out of it, you should start looking at that option.

It's not too late. My Nan was in her seventies when she left my Grandad. She packed a suitcase in the middle of the night and went to the train station. Caught a train to Mum's and never looked back. My aunt got her a sheltered flat after the house was sold and she happily lived there for nearly twenty years!

I just wanted to say I really appreciate you sharing this as you may have helped me make a strong decision finally. I'm not the op but similar situation and early 50s

It’s not normal IMO, and even if it is, you’re not happy with it. You still have years ahead to enjoy - and life is short, they’ll fly by. Get going!

I couldn't say how usual or unusual it is certain but it is certainly not my experience.

I am 47, Mr Monkey is 53 and have been together 18 years. We spent the day yesterday doing different things but he called me on his way back from a sports social as he knew I was having dinner with a friend who has been struggling recently so he wanted to how it went. I got home first as I was local and he came back a hour after and we had an animated chat about the pavement riding dickheads he had remonstrated with on his walk back from the station.

I left for work this morning before got up (he has the day off) bit we had a little Whatsapp chat around an in joke we have about a neighbourhood cat. He has just messaged me now to say he is going to an art exhibition my office so we can meet later and travel home together. We'll talk about the exhibition on the way back home or over dinner.

That is fairly typical.

Do you still have a sex life?
Is he resentful over that?

I know lots of women in their late 50s and 60s who have left their partners / husbands for similar reasons. They are still interested in living busy lives - working , socialising, hobbies, travel, sport , friends. And their DP / DHs act like they are 15 or 20 years older, they want to stay home and watch TV / go online and get their dinner put in front of them each night and their pants washed.

Now these women’s kids are grown up and some also have elderly parents to care for , they don’t need a dead weight of a man at home who contributes nothing to their life but wants domestic services on tap.

They don’t want to waste what might be their last two healthy decades in a dead marriage to a boring man who is old before his time. They feel they have all the disadvantages of marriage and very few of the advantages .

Some are keen to start dating again - they want the romance / sex that their husband hasn’t cared about for years. Others want nothing to do with dating and have very busy full lives with close friend and family. They have had enough of men.

Some of these husbands seem very shocked that their wives have left , as if they didn’t realise they were actual people with feelings and needs, they thought they were just service human . others don’t seem to care and sit at home in front of the screen eating cold baked beans out a tin and expecting their daughters or daughters in law to clean their house and do the washing.

You are still young. End it and make a better life for yourself.

"GPS" not sure if you addressed this to me but our sex life has never been satisfactory for me. He knew what he liked from Day 1 and never altered it one jot to suit me. He says he kept forgetting what I liked/didn't like. After our two children were boTn he refused to discuss a vasectomy saying he wasn't prepared to meddle with his body, so I reluctantly went on the pill, which caused all manner of issues. However, I needn't have bothered cos in my late 30s he announced one morning that I had been snoring all night (he also snored, I just accepted it) and was sleeping in the spare room that night. He never returned to our bed - and we never had sex again. I tried to discuss it but he wasn't interested. That said, he never intimated that it was my fault, only that he wasn't bothered. I wasn't exactly heartbroken cos his lovemaking used to take all night - 8 hours - and he still didn't satisfy me.

A couple of years later we had a cleaner. She didn't stay long cos she told me she couldn't cope with the "sex stuff" under his bed. I knew nothing about it, but found several very explicit "black market" sex magazines and torture equipment under the bed. Despite me being pretty broad-minded I was shocked and felt betrayed.

Similar situation but younger. I think he would be driven nuts by me trying to have long involved conversations with him every night.

Instead we will cook together and watch something on Netflix. Talking is usually for a reason around those activities or planning something like a holiday or weekend trip somewhere together. Sometimes we'll go out for a meal or go to the theatre or cinema of an evening. We also usually have a DIY or garden project on the go so we talk about that. And we like playing strategy board games.

So I think it depends on what you both like, if you want to talk about Mavis down the street and your partner would be bored stiff by that but equally you'd be bored stiff because he wants to rant about politics or something then maybe it's a mismatch. If you're just looking for something to do together he will enjoy more than iPad videos that's easier to solve.

OP, if you haven't already made up your mind to leave, and want to give him one last chance, can I suggest you write him a letter? Tell him all of your feelings, how he's shut you out in favour of a screen. How you feel lonely even though he's there, etc. and then finish with something along the lines of, 'I've tried talking to you about this before, but you haven't listened, you've shut the conversation down, or got cross, so I'm now telling you one last time, if you want to stay married, you limit the amount of screen time, to a couple of hours (or whatever you're happy with), and after that, you take an interest in life again, and not just a screen. I want to LIVE my life, not just sit and watch it go past, so if you don't want to make the effort, that's your choice, but don't expect me to stay and put up with it'.

The thing I've found over the years is that people can't argue and interrupt a letter, they have to read it. If it then doesn't start a MEANINGFUL conversation, then I'd be off.

Would he notice if you took a lover?

I am not even joking.

It's reverting. Feminism is reverting not progressing and I say this as someone who studied it at degree level many decades ago. However , if I had been able to earn enough money when I first left school to pay into a pension and I hadn't opted for a reduced NI payment when I married and we needed the money to live(married women were promised at the time that it would not affect our state pension, but they changed the rules half way through the game so it meant ending up with a reduced state pension) and if women had been paid the same wage as men for the same work/job, my generation may not be in the position of "needing " to stay with men who act like women are appliances rather than full human beings. It is not getting better anymore, it's getting worse. All we fought for, for women and the future of women is being eroded.

Thanks everyone.

I am 51 and feel too young for my situation. My only friends were his, and they are all now conspiracy theorists or somewhat entitled. Back in the day they looked pretty cool and diverse.

I am so alone now, since my family are dead and my loved pets. I have been living in a crisis since then. I have aged out of him, he no longer cares about life at all and even admits that.

He is 68.

This could be me. (D)H has always been rather insular and I knew retirement would be somewhat dictated by our lack of real engagement but although we are now more like flatmates (not even with benefits. That ship sailed long ago when I developed LS) we rub along quite well. I long ago realised that I didn't have the strength to leave, so I just sits and waits. We should have ended it years ago and now it's too late as I have complex medical needs and need a carer. That's what we're down to. If you're young and can see the writing on the wall - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

The age gap is clearly too big for you OP. Get yourself together and leave, you have a LOT of life left, get out there and enjoy it.

You said earlier in the thread that you have a lot of friends, but in your more recent post say 'My only friends were his', which is it?

If you do have friends of your own, then that will make leaving even easier, as it's not like you won't have people to come and visit, or to visit in return. Get some new hobbies, and make yourself the home that YOU want, without having to consider him at all. Make this the weekend that you start looking for somewhere to live, and get things moving. I guarantee you'll be happier once you've got rid of him.

I was going to say some similar things actually. The age gap wasn't mentioned early on and I think it's quite significant (although doesn't really change any of the advice given).
Hope you're doing ok op. I've enjoyed this thread as it's helped me think about my situation. (No age gap with me though)