To think ‘he just isn’t that into you’ should be banned?

[Kindyeah]

Today I’ve seen it said it a woman concerned about her husband not spending as much time with her and their children as she’d like.

And to a woman going on a blind date with a man she’s never met, It seems to crop up at least once a day and I don’t know if people think it’s original, cool and edgy but we all know it’s from Sex and the City and it makes you sound like either a massive dickhead or really quite thick.

Why do people keep saying it ffs?

Because sometimes that’s the message a woman needs to hear.

I wish I had been told that numerous times when younger.

This. Alongside “if he wanted to - he would”.

Women especially want to see hidden meanings in things when, in such a situation” he just isn’t that into you.

Oh this phrase annoys me most of the time. I don’t know it from sex and the city but it was from a movie by the same name. The book was an extreme take on the idea that men must drop everything in their life for you or they’re not interested. It was written for another time where the idea of mental health and boundaries just didn’t exist.

its very unhealthy to suggest to a women that a man must focus on her all the time in every way or he isn’t interested. It strips men of their humanity. Men aren’t that different from women. Life is about prioritising and sometimes there are more important priorities than a date or partner. None of us exist in teenage bubbles. Work is time consuming and important, a range of friendships and relationships are needed for good mental health, hobbies are a commitment and shouldn’t be dropped at a moments notice.

I would actually be really concerned about dating someone with nothing important in their life and ample time to chase a new date. Thats for teenagers. I want a busy, civic minded, ambitious man with a big circle of close relationships!

having said that, I do groan when a poster or a friend endlessly looks for tiny signs that a man is interested. Most interested men will ask for a date at some point and won’t just make eye contact one time too many or develop a tiny stammer that only an OP has noticed. Common sense is always important.

The book was based on the character saying it in SATC.

While some people clearly misuse it, the reason it’s a popular phrase is because far too often that’s what it all boils down to.

And women spend far too much time over analysing and trying to discern what a man’s behaviour really means.

When frequently he just isn’t into her. Simple as that.

That’s the term I was looking for “Occam’s Razor”!

Men are usually quite simplistic creatures- they know what they want, and don’t want which is why they chase we their desires blindly and can walk away without looking back. There are no hidden signals, it is black and white for them.

Because when you look at their actions, that's what they're saying. All the things they said are meaningless so stop over analysing conversations.

Exactly, I don't really see how this advice or HJNTIY is any less relevant to married women. Your husband still would if he wanted to, it's not that he wants to and hasn't realised and is just waiting for you to explain how it makes you feel.

I would only use the term when it comes to dating.

But if someone is into you aka cares about you he values you. And it usually isn't thrown around willy nilly but mostly in situations where the husband regularly swans of while the women has to keep down everything at home. You can train for a marathon and still chip in equally at home. And if you can't than don't train. Having a family often means sacrificing the freedom you had before.

I also don't think is rude but then I come from a culture where people are just more direct. It may hurt in the short term but it helps in the long run ( as is proven in SATC which you quoted)

Has someone said it to you or why does it rile you up?

I think this phrase is great when used in the right context (eg dating, I have never heard anyone use it for married couples but clearly there are some who do)

Why beat about the bush? There could be a myriad of excuses as to why a man is behaving as he is, but ultimately they all boil down to him just not being that into you 🤷‍♀️ I always remember an old boyfriend who id only been seeing a month or so being on holiday where there was no mobile reception (early 00s) who walked 7 miles to a call box to phone me for a chat. If he wants to, he will!

I thought it was from a book title.
Anyway it's spot on in many cases.

Well there’s lots of fancier ways to phrase it , but ultimately it’s often the reason.

Bc it’s mean and it’s mean to say it even if you think it. It’s a kick them when their down and it doesn’t reflect well on the person doing the kicking.

I dunno. It’s not always useful but I would not underestimate a man’s ability to marry a woman he clearly dislikes - out of desperation, loneliness, and wanting kids, regular sex, somebody to manage his household.

I have definitely been a witness to marriages where the man clearly does not give a fuck about his wife and never has.

So better to let them waste their time deluding themself?

This is such a childish approach - it’s not “mean”. it’s reality.

OP did somebody say this to you recently as it seems to have struck a nerve?

But beating around the bush why he doesn't call or show up.when he needs you just leads to false hope.
He does not call you or show up because for some complicated reason he just does not care for you that much. There isn't any other way to say this.

It’s hardly the same.

Telling somebody they may become a millionnaire is not useful advice.

Telling a woman the guy she is pining over and analysing is clearly not into her IS good advice.

It’s a lot easier to block, delete and move on from a man (presuming not married) than it is to become a millionnaire.

The fact some people misuse it does not make it bad advice. What advice would you prefer is given to a woman who is clearly wasting her time on a man who is not into her?

Also going by the comments here - most people aren’t even familiar with the phrase being used on SATC

It’s a phrase that’s stuck around because it’s often true, although often a better wording would be “he just doesn’t care about you.”

Married couples going through a rough patch often boils down to one partner not caring anymore.

Also I take umbrage with the idea that if a phrase comes from a TV show it automatically makes it rubbish - why is writing for a tv show automatically inferior from say, writing a book? People quote literature regularly- often not realising that’s where the phrase they are using comes from.

(People talk about someone being “friend-zoned” without knowing they were quoting Friends. I think that’s a more problematic term.)

I've never seen sex and the city and the phrase was around long before that film!

It’s not a film, it was originally a tv series, and two of the writers coined the phrase for a no-nonsense character, then wrote a best-selling self-help book based on it.

It helped me out massively when I was going through a painful breakup. The phrase and the book. Made me realise that endless analysis of his actions and trying to get him back was futile and empowered me to gain my strength and move on. It really worked.

Because some women are that desperate any man is better than no man, self respect is not handed to anyone on a plate