To think ‘he just isn’t that into you’ should be banned?

[Kindyeah]

Today I’ve seen it said it a woman concerned about her husband not spending as much time with her and their children as she’d like.

And to a woman going on a blind date with a man she’s never met, It seems to crop up at least once a day and I don’t know if people think it’s original, cool and edgy but we all know it’s from Sex and the City and it makes you sound like either a massive dickhead or really quite thick.

Why do people keep saying it ffs?

Harsh truth.
Make better choices, then it's not gonna be said to you.

It is sometimes misused, but no. Too useful.

Better choices a marriage and kids in? Better choices before you meet the bloke?

The ‘harsh truth’ nails it though. Posters just like being harsh under the guise of telling the truth.

Yes, more thinking before the bloke. 😊
Having emotionally abusive parents taught me to think twice from early teenage years (it wasn't fun).
I suppose I learned to put myself first the hard way from my mother.
Makes me laugh now, when I visit (in another country) and she would like "hugs".
🙃
Better choices.

Exactly. It's said because It's often true and a wake-up call that's sometimes needed.

Exactly this, and tie themselves in knots when the answer is quite simple. I would say he doesn’t fancy you but I’m old and northern. It’s Occam’s razor.

But these threads which start off saying husband wants to go on a stag do always always then go on to reveal that he doesn’t look after the children , is always out , is a knob basically. So 99.9% of the time it’s true.

This. So many posts on here involve women tying themselves into knots to believe someone who treats them badly or indifferently is really, secretly, totally into them, but can’t admit it, ‘has MH’, is ruled by his ‘crazy ex’ who will withhold the children etc etc.

It's a really good phrase because it's true. If a man wants to see you, he will. If he wants to contact you, he will. If he wants you to be his girlfriend, he'll ask. If none of those things are happening the reason is because .............

I find it very useful. I read the book and enjoyed the film. I didn't know it came from SATC but I don't care where it came from.
I used to overthink whether a man was interested or not and made up excuses for why he wasn't showing that much interest. The truth of it was "he's just not that into you" and it's been very helpful for me to say that phrase to myself. If a man is interested in me he will show it, just as I would show that I'm interested in someone else.
You see a lot of posts on here of people at the dating stage or early stage of a relationship overthinking why he's sending one word text messages or even not replying or cancelling dates with random excuses. You see women being strung along by men who are possibly keeping her sweet as a fall back option. The harsh truth is that they just aren't that interested and posters often use the phrase because sometimes posters really do need to see that so that they can move on and find someone who is interested.

On the other hand, I don't think it's applicable to a married couple, I associate it more with the early stages. However, there are many examples on here of women complaining about men not spending as much time with her and the children "as she'd like", as you put it. Quite often as the thread goes on it turns out that the man has all but checked out of family life. It's fine to have their own interests, everyone should, and that includes the woman too, but if he is out nearly every night of the week, spends most of the weekend doing a hobby, mysteriously disappears to the toilet for an hour when his wife is trying to get the children ready for a day out etcetc, then he really isn't pulling his weight and he's checked out of family life (probably another phrase you don't like).
It's not "he's just not that into you", it's someone who is not honouring the commitment he made when he married and had children. It's someone who isn't doing their fair share.

This is it. It’s not meant for a married couple with responsibilities.

It’s very useful phrase for someone who is pining after some emotionally unavailable man (when dating). “Oh he is just really busy with work” or my favourite by PP here, “my budgie just died”.

Personally I have never used it in marriage situation. But it has been very appropriate in dating situations, where the woman is explaining to everybody that see, the guy doesn't really have time to call and meet up, but keeps saying that he's interested, just that she needs to understand that he's too busy to make any plans, you see..

Been there (repeatedly) myself. Guess what? Those busy unreliable guys were just not that into me.

I mean “ commit to someone “ in the usual meaning of the word ie be exclusive, going on holiday together , get engaged , move in together, get married, have kids etc .

Or if you are dating it’s things like agreeing to meet up , keeping in contact, returning phone calls, sharing the emotional labour , meeting each others friends and family etc

Ive never heard “ commitment issues “ used to describe something that happens “ all day every day”. That’s not how people usually talk about it.

And I’ve never seen anyone on MN ask “ is my BF not into me because he goes to a yoga class one night a week ? “ .

It feels to me that you are trying to trivialise women's concerns.

And if he’s done all that and you’re now his wife?

A knob, yes. But how does ‘he’s just not that into you’ help? He was into her enough to marry her. She’s not analysing his texts to see if he fancies her.

Very much the opposite. It’s telling a stressed out woman with a couple of children and a husband who isn’t pulling his weight ‘he’s just not that into you’, like that’s remotely helpful, that trivialises things.

This seems to have really touched a nerve with you, OP. How come? Is your DP not into you?

Because all too often it's true.

And banning speech (like compelling speech) is never a good idea.

I think it's a bit trite but can be a helpful perspective even in a marriage setting that people can bring up with their partner. If your partner is taking you for granted then they are in a way acting like they're not that into you / bothered about maintaining your relationship.

Because it's true.

Women who throw everything, all hope, dreams, future fantasy into men who aren't that bothered (and that includes first dates, boyfriends, partners, husbands, fathers of their children ) need to realise it's quite possible he's just not that into her.

I don’t have one.

It irritates the fuck out of me that people quote a sitcom like they’re giving sage advice to upset married women with real marital issues. It’s nonsensical and makes the poster sound as thick as two short planks. It annoys me the way people saying ‘all be it’, ‘prolly’ etc. does.

It’s like advising someone who’s skint and worrying about paying for their food shop that they shouldn’t worry because this time next year they’ll be millionaires.

Completely fucking stupid.

😳🙄 I was clearly being facetious.

You don’t think this is very simplistic?

Then why not give that advice?

‘Your husband is acting like he doesn’t value you and is taking you for granted. I’d explain to him exactly how you’re feeling, and make it clear that if things don’t change, you’ll assess whether you want to remain in the marriage’.

Or

’He’s just not that into you.’

To keep it simple and brief maybe ? At their core there's no difference between those two statements, one is just cutting to the chase and a bit more brutally honest. I don't have a problem with it really, I think it's more realistic for women to think "this man isn't that into me" and knows they deserve better even if that man is there husband rather than skirting round reality as if they explain to these men how their behaviour is coming across etc etc The man knows how they're acting.