To think ‘he just isn’t that into you’ should be banned?

[Kindyeah]

Today I’ve seen it said it a woman concerned about her husband not spending as much time with her and their children as she’d like.

And to a woman going on a blind date with a man she’s never met, It seems to crop up at least once a day and I don’t know if people think it’s original, cool and edgy but we all know it’s from Sex and the City and it makes you sound like either a massive dickhead or really quite thick.

Why do people keep saying it ffs?

No. Try again. The book was inspired by Sex and the City.

Pretty sure it was a phrase before it was used in satc because I remember using it with dating friends in the 80s. Became more popular when ‘circular dating’ became more of a thing so I don’t think people are using it because it’s trendy at all.
it does very succinctly sum up a type of behaviour though so don’t see a problem with it

Because it’s a crass line from a shite American drama usually trotted out by someone who would never say that to someone’s face.

Usually on Mumsnet it’s used in the most inappropriate of circumstances “we’ve been married for 5 years and are going through a rough patch” “oh op he’s just not that into you”

FFS

You're right. But does it matter? The number of people who don't know that just goes to show they're not idiots thinking quoting sitcoms is 'cool', but are using an expression that's entered the mainstream as a quick way to tell a woman to stop wasting her attention where its not reciprocated.

It's a bit like when people on here post 'the first poster nails it' - it's often the case that someone totally disconnected can see that the cliche fits- I think it's particularly true if it's a couple who don't live together or have kids - in my experience I've found blokes really into you tend to be the opposite and can be a bit needy/always there/ make themselves find time/ do daft things like drive to see you at 12.30pm etc when you do then quite often it's said when other factors ate at play - they don't enjoy family time, struggle to fit time alone in the equation etc.

The phrase was coined and popularised by Greg Behrendt and his fellow (female) SATC writers. The episode aired in 2003.

Maybe you and your friends were saying the same phrase in the 80s, coincidentally, but it didn’t become a common phrase until the SATC episode aired.

Yes! This is it exactly. Although it seems that many people haven’t realised they’re quoting a sitcom.

Yeah, look, relationships are nuanced. The phrase is an oversimplification. It may be useful in casual dating, actual love is far more complicated.

For example I’ve put a man I love on a plane to have him chase his dreams. Was I not into him? 15 years later I still think about him frequently.

A man that loved me ended our relationship because he is dying. I can tell he still does from the way he is when I go see him, but he didn’t want me to spend my best years caring for him.

I think true love means you do what’s best for the person you love, not necessarily measured in time together/ frequency of calls/ other lovey-dovey behaviour.

Some people/ relationships are simpler and clear cut.

Some men feel they aren’t good enough for anyone and a burden and stay single despite caring for certain people. It’s not always as simple as ‘if he wanted to, he would’.

Ultimately women have to decide what they need and how they want to be treated and if they aren’t getting their needs met, walk away. One doesn’t need to make their life so hard.

A quick way to tell a woman who’s been married for years with a family that she should stop wasting her attention?

It’s a line from a sitcom. It’s not sensible real life advice.

Well sadly for some women it has come true. I think it’s more of a caution than someone being smug. Like don’t waste time on a man like that.

Why not say that then? Why frame it as an insult?

Is it an insult though? I'm sure loads of men out there aren't into me, I'm not insulted by that

Because it’s probably the last thing someone says when someone hasn’t wanted to know the truth yet. I doubt many people actually say it to someone’s face frequently.

You’re not married to them with a couple of kids.

Many people post online to get advice that real life people may be thinking but won’t say out loud. I think it’s fine to do that.

You’re assuming that everybody posts advice with as much care as you do which is obviously unlikely.

While I get your point that everybody struggles with balancing the priorities sometimes and some sympathy that husband is training for his marathon and leaving wife doing childcare is in order, there are many shocking stories on here where adults have been taken for granted for years, even decades and it’s ok that you want to be your spouse’s priority. There’s also some threads where OP post texts and get sucked into trying to work out the whys and what’s he thinking when the saying makes sense.

I've never seen it used in that way on here. If you have I'd imagine it was a one off rather than a pattern. Its mostly used to women in dating situations.

I think it’s a good response when after a date/first had sex and a man hasn’t called for a week and lots of reasons/excuses are made up for him

Do other simplistic replies like “Cherchez la femme” annoy you too? I’ve always wondered why that one is in French

It isn’t applicable to a man training for a marathon while married.

It is, however, completely applicable to the many posts where women are fretting and over-analysing why some bloke they’ve been on two dates with hasn’t responded to their suggestion of a third date, or why their male friend that they fancy has cancelled going out for a drink with them three times because he’s a bit tired etc. It is a useful way to explain to someone that things are just nowhere as complicated as they believe and that men who actually really like you almost never play mind games and if they’re not getting in touch, it’s not because they don’t want to look too keen, but is in fact because they’re genuinely just not keen.

And of course nobody thinks it’s cool or edgy. It’s from a TV show 25 years ago.

If people are using it in those contexts then they are idiots.

Berger (Carrie's beau) used it in satc way before the book or movie after Miranda's date didn't want to come up to her apartment. The girls had been reassuring her that he was just tired. Berger said that men are pretty straightforward and if he was into her he'd be coming upstairs and booking the next date.

Miranda loved the ethos and found it liberating.

(Ironically Carrie's ex Aidan who couldn't have been more into her had resisted coming upstairs for many dates at the beginning.)

I liked the principle though and thought it was useful. Women are far more complex in their approach to dating at those stages but men are more primitive ('would bang') and the mistake we can make is measuring men by our standards. I always took the attitude of "if he likes me, I'll know, I'm not going to waste time wondering about it"

But the situations you've described OP are not appropriate for this attitude. The people missing the phrase are idiots.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5263875-whats-wrong-with-my-husband?page=2&reply=141772240

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5284156-am-i-being-unreasonable-to-give-birth-away-from-the-childs-father-because-he-doesnt-want-to-get-married?reply=142506208

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5243377-sexless-marriage-wasting-time?reply=141036102

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5256388-dh-said-we-have-nothing-in-common?page=4&reply=141511849

Just four of the threads this last month where this phrase has been said in all seriousness where the OP is married or pregnant.

I’ve never heard it before so it doesn’t bother me.

The more modern equivalent is ‘If he wanted to he would’

IME, if a man wants you he will do ANYTHING to get you. If he doesn’t then sorry, but he really isn’t bothered.

Why would you want to persuade him?

I think it's a good premise. I read the book and so many of the examples rang true. It was a good wake up call to a bad relationship.

I don’t know if I personally would want someone who’d do anything to get me. Sounds a bit psychotic and it’s not sustainable.