Friends not sponsoring dh

[Primmyhill]

Ok, I know times are hard and there are loads of people asking for sponsorship etc but I’m just a bit hacked off. In the past I’ve sponsored friends kids for things like walking around the playground at lunch time, sponsored silence etc, you get my drift but there’s been loads over the last few years and I always give £10-20. My husband is doing a huge challenge in April and the sponsorship has been live for months and I’ve sent the link out twice and not one of them has sponsored him. None of them are badly off - they just can’t be bothered I reckon and I’m pretty annoyed. AIBU? Would you do? I’ll know better next time when darling Henry wants money for pushing his teddy around the local f’ing playing field.

You donate on the Cancer Research website so how could anyone keep the money?

And of course my friends and I trust each, why on earth would we be friends if we didn't? Genuinely can't imagine having a friendship with someone who's trust was questionable.

I have various charities that I support. They mean a lot to me. I've looked into them carefully and am satisfied that the money I give is used in a way I am happy with. If I had any extra money, I would give to one of them.

I have no interest in giving to a charity that I know very little about and is less of a priority for me than the ones I support. I think it's good that we all prefer different causes and support those that mean something to each one of us. But just because it means a lot to you, doesn't mean that it's something I would prioritise.

Any gifts I do make to charity I give direct to the charity, not via someone else, who may, or may not, be using an organisation that helps itself ('for costs') to some of the gift on its way to the charity.

And I certainly don't wish to give money to people for doing some hobby or challenge. I think most, quite likely all, people do that because they want to and then add the charity to make themselves feel more virtuous. After all, if supporting the charity is their aim, why not just give the money direct? If you really want me to give to a charity that feels important to you, ask, explain why and I might make a donation to them direct.

See also the dreadful 'I couldn't be bothered/didn't feel like paying to send you a Christmas card this year. But because I want to feel like I'm nicer than that makes me appear, I shall make a donation to the charity of my choice, regardless of whether or not you would want to support it.' Send me a card or don't. Give to charity or don't. No need for an announcement.

TL:DR. Give to charity or not. Your choice. The performative bit is unneccesary.

Edit: to replace a line that disappeared.

That's your particular circumstance.It's not always the case.

And yes you and your friends trust each other, but this isn't all about close friends. It's about asking a much wider circle of acquaintances to sponsor you. Not your best mates.

So if your point is "me and my best friends always sponsor each other, and give the money directly to the charity, no questions asked" then the reason you do it no questions asked is because all the questions are already answered. That isn't the case in other scenarios.

Well I sponsor someone’s child to encourage them. In the same way I smile at their attempts to discuss current events or praise their achievements. It’s part of nurturing the next generation. I don’t think adult men need that do they?

George: Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Gives a Christmas card to Jerry)
Jerry: (Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that?
George: (With pride) Made it up.
Jerry: (Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people."
George: What do you think?
Jerry: It has a certain understated stupidity.

The way I see it, if I care about a charity I'm probably already giving to them.

If a little kid asks me to sponsor them I'll probably throw a few quid at them just to make them feel good, unless it's a charity I don't agree with.

I feel like an adult can take it on the chin that not everyone does sponsorship.

The trouble is that everyone is always doing a sponsored something and I simply can't afford to give money to every person who pops up saying that they want some money.

Is it though? Is it ok to be offended that someone doesn’t choose to give you their money?

Wow I’m surprised at some of these responses. It’s for charity. How do people suppose money is raised for charity? Things like this make a huge difference. How depressing that some people can’t see this. I do agree with you OP for what it’s worth. It’s a worthwhile cause and every little helps. Good luck to your husband x

To be honest, I really dislike these endless 'please sponsor me' requests and always ignore them.

They put huge pressure on friendships and are, I believe, banned in some countries. Sometimes I feel they are a kind of emotional blackmail.

Why not just give the dosh direct to a charity of your choice.

Just to add, we have a neighbour who is into "banger racing". He told us that he had spent over £2k on his hobby over the last year, but it was all worth it, because he had raised £400 for charity. 🙃So I do not support people doing outrageously expensive hobbies and then asking other people to give money to charity on their behalf.

As explained in this thread many times, people do their research and donate directly.

Yes, given that that same person has asked you for money but now when it's their turn, they won't reciprocate. I have no problem with people not giving when asked but only if they haven't had their own hands out for their own particular cause.

Don't ask if you won't give when it's your turn!.

@Itisbetter

"Well I sponsor someone’s child to encourage them. In the same way I smile at their attempts to discuss current events or praise their achievements. It’s part of nurturing the next generation. I don’t think adult men need that do they?"

It's ungrateful to expect someone to sponsor your child and not to give back when they do something especially if they don't have children or their children aren't partaking in anything for you to sponsor.

I would say don't give up yet. It's only just March. In February April felt like ages away and it's the kind of thing I'd think 'oh I'll do that's but wouldn't necessarily do it right away as there's still plenty of time.

Does he have a WhatsApp group he can put it round? If he's just sharing on FB loads of people won't even have seen it.

Failing that make him a donation tin to take in the office. He could do it as a 'with a month to go before x I've brought in...' lots of people prefer just to drop change in than go through links.

I'm not pushy but I think with sponsorship you have to be.

I see it as a gift to the child of my encouragement, not a debt for their parents to repay later. In the same way I often give birthday or Christmas presents to children I see around those dates but not adults. I also would probably pay for a child to go on a ride or give them a penny to throw in a wishing well and would be amazed if their parent expected to do the same for my husband. (And he would be confused).

@Itisbetter

"I see it as a gift to the child of my encouragement, not a debt for their parents to repay later. In the same way I often give birthday or Christmas presents to children I see around those dates but not adults. I also would probably pay for a child to go on a ride or give them a penny to throw in a wishing well and would be amazed if their parent expected to do the same for my husband. (And he would be confused)."

You're doing something nice for the child of a friend or receive it for your child. If when the other party does something that matters to them, you ignore it that is absolutely unreasonable. Otherwise you're only valuing what matters to a child and not respecting your friend. It's absolutely not the same as paying to go on a ride. It's about acknowledging the importance of something to someone who is supposed to matter to you.

Your friends have probably forgotten who has donated to their many charity events as they blur into one after a while. I would be disappointed none of given so far but not because I have given to them. If it is the marathon - I have about half a dozen friends doing it this year - who knows your husband might not be the only one doing the same event.

For me it is like clapping at them learning to ride a bike, or saying well done in your GCSEs, or listening to a long Ernest explanation about recycling. Dh is an adult he doesn’t need that. I appreciate you see it as something different but to me it’s like you saying “you played hide and seek with my child so I should play tennis with your partner next week”. One is part of supporting young humans to adulthood and the other is just what I choose to do with my time.

OP, I think you are finding that unless you have a group of friends who all regularly give to everyone, sending out emails with the info is not the best way to do this. My experience with fundraising is it works better if you talk to everyone individually, ideally in a social setting, explain why it's important to you and your DH and ask if they could spare ((insert sum here)). The charity probably has some factsheets for fundraisers with suggestions.

I used to work for a very large organisation and got sick of the constant pressure to sponsor people. I do tend to sponsor children however. The other point to bear in mind is that, while I'm sure this charity is above board and legitimate - charities per se can have a bad rap now - some are run by virtual con artists.

We have one charity that we now support monthly - so feel we do our bit.

@Itisbetter

"For me it is like clapping at them learning to ride a bike, or saying well done in your GCSEs, or listening to a long Ernest explanation about recycling. Dh is an adult he doesn’t need that. I appreciate you see it as something different but to me it’s like you saying “you played hide and seek with my child so I should play tennis with your partner next week”. One is part of supporting young humans to adulthood and the other is just what I choose to do with my time."

You are completely missing the point.

If your friend was doing a sponsored event which really mattered to them and they had taken time to care about what you and your children were doing, even sponsored your children are you absolutely saying you wouldn't sponsor your friend and would think that was reasonable even though you knew it mattered to your friend?

I used to run a Guide pack in an affluent area
The Commissioner organised slots bag packing in Tesco
I refused to do it
The parents could well afford the subs and I wasn’t giving up even more of my free time

Yes

Ì agree. Don't bother sponsoring them in future op

What about someone who gives absolutely every spare penny of their income to a particular cause and asks others to donate to that cause as well, because they genuinely believe it's hugely important? Should they stop asking because they are not going to able to give to other causes if anyone asks? Should we look at it as transactional interactions between individuals, or look at the end result and whether it's a good one?