Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a child maintenance one

84 replies

WinterSunflowers · 02/03/2025 10:55

Hi all, just after a bit of advice

divorced 10 years ago, 2 children now mid teens. My ex H always paid more than CMS and has always earned well so the current amount I’m getting is around 1000 a month.

hes just informed me that his job has been made redundant and as he’s only been in this one a short time there is no redundancy payment, just payment for notice (6 months)

he has said that he won’t give me a share of this notice payment (it all falls into this tax year so technically he should) but he’s proposing to keep paying me the 1000 a month for 6 months, then discuss again but if he’s not secured another role then it may stop.

I haven’t worked full time for 15 years. I do some self employed work at home but I’m really going to notice the missing 1000 if it comes to that.

is it right he’s not giving me a share of the notice money? Is it fair that the payments may stop when it runs out?

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 02/03/2025 12:18

16k is not a lot though is it! Will not even pay a house deposit.

its 16 months of £1000 payments by ex

But op is on UC so the rate would be £6k and thats an additional 6 months - so added to what Ops ex is paying it would take her to April 26. By that time her ex may have another job or her business may be flourishing

x2boys · 02/03/2025 12:24

MxFlibble · 02/03/2025 11:49

I find this such a weird attitude - the idea that the moment the child turns 18, that's it, parents can both just chuck them out and wash their hands of them.

Or in the non-resident father's case, stop paying a contribution to the roof over their head, and just give it straight to the 18 year old, knowing that the resident parent is unlikely to chuck them out.

This is why my agreement covers the kids until they are 23 if they are in full time education - there's an acknowledgement that it's me that's providing their day to day living and support, and so I get to choose where the maintenance goes. If either of us want to give them extra money, that's up to us.

Show quote history

They don't though do they ? they the non resident parent pays untiill the young adult leaves school / college and that can be up to 20
This may blow your mind but some young adults don't go to university they get jobs or apprenticeship, s and can support themselves

APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH · 02/03/2025 12:33

You have six months to plan for contingencies. Which is a lucky situation to be in. YABU to have relied so long on your exH’s finances rather than getting more financial security yourself.

APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH · 02/03/2025 12:38

sprigatito · 02/03/2025 11:12

Again, are we accepting as normal that a father just washes his hands of his children once the legal minimum obligation expires? Do you plan on cutting off your children on their 18th birthday because you legally can? Mind-boggling.

Show quote history

Personally if mine aren’t at Uni or moved out at 18 they can ruddy well get a job and contribute to household bills and earn their own “pocket money”. I am married and don’t get maintenance but I believe CMS expect payments until the age of 20. 21 is plenty old enough to be financially independent of your parents.

APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH · 02/03/2025 12:41

WinterSunflowers · 02/03/2025 12:09

No high levels of care needed. Hospital appointments every other month and a couple of inpatient stays. The father attends 95% of these too.

Show quote history

So if he can do it with a full time job so can you

MikeRafone · 02/03/2025 12:43

but I believe CMS expect payments until the age of 20

its 20 if they stay in eduction

HaddyAbrams · 02/03/2025 12:44

MikeRafone · 02/03/2025 12:14

Yes you can

you can have up to £16k on HB if pension age or non working

you can have £6k claiming UC

council tax relief will vary on amounts

you can also overpay utilities bills and this not be seen as deprivation of accesses along with overpayment of social housing rent.

Show quote history

UC reduces at 6k, not stops completely IIRC.

APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH · 02/03/2025 12:45

MikeRafone · 02/03/2025 12:43

but I believe CMS expect payments until the age of 20

its 20 if they stay in eduction

Then if they’re in employment it’s fine to expect them to be financially independent of their parents past having a room in a house

BillyILash · 02/03/2025 12:50

Every year he’s shared his p60 and if he’s underpaid over the year (sometimes he has if he’s got a bonus) then he pays me a one off to make it fair.

I don’t understand what’s “fair” about this.

You are no longer together
He pays above child maintenance already
why should he pay you extra if he gets a bonus?

You don’t work because of dla and your exs generous maintenance. You’ve had it very lucky.

I don’t think it’s very fair to be putting pressure on him to give you his notice money. He sounds like a very fair man who has made sure his children are taken care of while you do your own thing at home. Be greatfull you’ve not had to fight for the min cma and maybe look at getting work yourself to cover the shortfall and let him focus on getting a new job.

Coconutter24 · 02/03/2025 12:52

WinterSunflowers · 02/03/2025 11:04

He got made redundant around 8’years ago and that time he paid 500 a month rather than the full payment for the 8 months he had off. Would I be reasonable to say when the notice money is gone he should do that again?

No you would not be reasonable to say when the notice money is gone he should do that again.

2024riot · 02/03/2025 12:54

The OP sounds incredibly lazy to be honest

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 02/03/2025 12:55

Reverse.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 02/03/2025 13:00

I think he's been more than reasonable.

If you want more then maybe look at your employment options as it sounds like your children are old enough.

Maybe also consider he may need the money since he's out of work and will also have bills to pay.

offmynut · 02/03/2025 13:03

2024riot · 02/03/2025 12:54

The OP sounds incredibly lazy to be honest

My thoughts to.

AlwaysCoffee25 · 02/03/2025 13:08

OP what will you when you want to retire? Do you have a pension??

Starzinsky · 02/03/2025 13:11

Some of his redundancy will not be classed as taxable pay so he is being very reasonable to honour the usual payments. I was quite shocked by your expectation to part of the payout.

MadinMarch · 02/03/2025 13:12

sprigatito · 02/03/2025 11:12

Again, are we accepting as normal that a father just washes his hands of his children once the legal minimum obligation expires? Do you plan on cutting off your children on their 18th birthday because you legally can? Mind-boggling.

Show quote history

That's ridiculous...
The point is, that the children will be adults once they reach the age of 18, and will either be in full time work in which case they can contribute to the household expense, or at university, in which case their father can offer some support direct to them.
No one is cutting anyone else out.

Motheranddaughter · 02/03/2025 13:15

Get a full time job which most people seem to manage

Theunamedcat · 02/03/2025 13:17

Whycanineverthinkofone · 02/03/2025 11:27

When the money is gone, it’s gone.

if he has no income your cm percentage will be 0.

you will need to consider how you’ll manage without it. Either by budgeting or working.

i know you say you’ve “never needed” to work as between dla, cms etc you have a decent income, but what happens in the future?

once your kids have left home, what will you live on? Do you have a pension? You may not need to work now, but it’s a bit short sighted not to be working toward the future. Even if your child with dla stays at home, will their dla be enough for you both to live on? Are you expecting that to support you indefinitely?

you have 6 months. Get yourself future proofed. Maximise your income and work opportunities, get care in place if you need it. Then if your ex doesn’t get a job, or is made redundant in future, or worse cannot work through ill health or death, you can support yourself.

you can’t live off him forever.

Show quote history

When you have a child on DLA you might have to accept the fact that they never leave home

Whycanineverthinkofone · 02/03/2025 13:26

Theunamedcat · 02/03/2025 13:17

When you have a child on DLA you might have to accept the fact that they never leave home

Show quote history

O/p has stated up thread that there are no high level care needs- the care needs are a hospital appointment every other month and an occasional inpatient stay.

which the dad attends 95% of.

so no excuse for not working.

caringcarer · 02/03/2025 13:41

He sounds like a very fair exh to me. He's paying £1k a month for 2 teen DC. He may get another job in 6 months and will be able to continue to pay maintenance. You as the other parent are also still supposed to be supporting your DC financially. It's not all down to 1 parent. In a few years when DC reached 18 and maintenance is likely to be paid direct to DC not to you, how will you manage then?

Sunnysideup4eva · 02/03/2025 14:23

WinterSunflowers · 02/03/2025 11:19

Ok so it sounds like he’s being fair, I’ll take the 1000 a month and when that notice money is gone I’ll see what he says.

not relevant I know but he’s remarried, but no new children, just a large house, so I know he’ll be trying to get a new job after a short break.

So you want half the notice money because you think actually he'll get another job quite quick and thus still end up paying you the £1000 a month anyway from a new salary.
You are greedy as fuck!!!

caringcarer · 02/03/2025 15:16

MadinMarch · 02/03/2025 13:12

That's ridiculous...
The point is, that the children will be adults once they reach the age of 18, and will either be in full time work in which case they can contribute to the household expense, or at university, in which case their father can offer some support direct to them.
No one is cutting anyone else out.

Show quote history

It's very normal for a parent to give money directly to DC after they are 18 and when they are at university. My DD's husband has divorced parents and his Dad and step Mum sent him the money every month that prior to 18 his Dad had sent to his exw.

Original poster
WinterSunflowers · 02/03/2025 15:38

Whycanineverthinkofone · 02/03/2025 13:26

O/p has stated up thread that there are no high level care needs- the care needs are a hospital appointment every other month and an occasional inpatient stay.

which the dad attends 95% of.

so no excuse for not working.

Show quote history

I guess when child was much younger there was a lot more day to day care so I never went back to work. Once they started school it settled into the regular appointments with a few issues, and I just wanted to always be available. The condition is such that they could have issues requiring hospital stays or more care and I didn’t want to not be available should that happen.

im very lucky that the situation has been good health wise for a fair while now but that could change.

father has missed a few appointments due to work and when we have had to stay in hospital he managed fewer of the overnights due to having to work. I decided that being available was of more value than working.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterSunflowers · 02/03/2025 15:40

Thank you everyone. He has been fair financially for a long time and is continuing to do so now, I was just worried about the impact of a drop in income.

OP posts: