It’s a child maintenance one

[WinterSunflowers]

Hi all, just after a bit of advice

divorced 10 years ago, 2 children now mid teens. My ex H always paid more than CMS and has always earned well so the current amount I’m getting is around 1000 a month.

hes just informed me that his job has been made redundant and as he’s only been in this one a short time there is no redundancy payment, just payment for notice (6 months)

he has said that he won’t give me a share of this notice payment (it all falls into this tax year so technically he should) but he’s proposing to keep paying me the 1000 a month for 6 months, then discuss again but if he’s not secured another role then it may stop.

I haven’t worked full time for 15 years. I do some self employed work at home but I’m really going to notice the missing 1000 if it comes to that.

is it right he’s not giving me a share of the notice money? Is it fair that the payments may stop when it runs out?

I would probably plan to give my DC money directly when they turn 18 rather than subsidising their other parent working part time?

Whether he is legally obliged to pay it or not would depend on whether it's treated as income - redundancy payments aren't considered income so not included in CMA calculations.

Essentially, if he's been given six months' pay in lieu of notice, he should either give you one large payment or six months' payments out of it.

After that if he doesn't have work he should still be contributing to his children's costs as he is able. But obviously if his savings run out, he won't be able to do that, or it will be massively reduced.

Ok so it sounds like he’s being fair, I’ll take the 1000 a month and when that notice money is gone I’ll see what he says.

not relevant I know but he’s remarried, but no new children, just a large house, so I know he’ll be trying to get a new job after a short break.

given that your children are mid teens, maybe he feels there's no need to be subsidising you to be a full time stay at home parent dabbling in self employment.

It’s taxed as he said that it all being paid in March means that it’s taxed a lot as a chunk of it falls into the bracket where tax is more than 50% so in reality it’s less than 6 months normal take home pay.

he said he’d still pay the 1000 despite that

It sounds like hes a decent man and has done the right thing by you and your kids for ten years, enabling you to not work full time and start your own business etc. You are not coming across well here and I think you need to give him a break. If he's giving you 1000 for six months then no, he shouldn't give you a share of his notice money on top of this. He needs to use that to live until.he finds something else and you should plan financially incase he cannot continue this for a time. Talk to him if that happens and see what's going to be affordable and work for you both. It likely wouldn't be long term if he was looking for another job. There are so many women on here who don't get a penny towards their kids or have exes who hide their earnings to pay the minimum. He sounds like he's tried to do the right thing by you. Also get a proper job.

When my children were mid-teens I couldn't work full-time due to their incredibly demanding medical and neurodevelopmental issues. Now they are young adults, and I cannot work full-time because I am caring for elderly parents with dementia. So DH is "subsidising" me working part time - and I am "subsidising" him working full-time, because I am fulfilling the family obligations that he can't. It's very simplistic to portray OP as a lazy freeloader when we know so little about her life, other than that she thinks a non-resident father shouldn't have less responsibility for his children than she does.

When the money is gone, it’s gone.

if he has no income your cm percentage will be 0.

you will need to consider how you’ll manage without it. Either by budgeting or working.

i know you say you’ve “never needed” to work as between dla, cms etc you have a decent income, but what happens in the future?

once your kids have left home, what will you live on? Do you have a pension? You may not need to work now, but it’s a bit short sighted not to be working toward the future. Even if your child with dla stays at home, will their dla be enough for you both to live on? Are you expecting that to support you indefinitely?

you have 6 months. Get yourself future proofed. Maximise your income and work opportunities, get care in place if you need it. Then if your ex doesn’t get a job, or is made redundant in future, or worse cannot work through ill health or death, you can support yourself.

you can’t live off him forever.

@WinterSunflowers well then I presume if he became unemployed and you went through cms then you would only get a pittance! you can either look forward to that or get a job to enable you to keep yourself in the way you have become accustomed!

There’s a difference between being married and being divorced. He’s got to support his kids, he doesn’t have to support his ex.

He's paying more than the CMS requirement OP stated at the start. Therefore he will be within his rights to reduce down to CMS amount for a few montha until he gets another job.
If this is the sole income supporting the family then the family will have to tighten their belts accordingly

Or his exes parents.

dh gave up work to care for his mum. That was possible because I have always earned enough to pay the bills. It was also possible because in marriage we share the small inheritance that would pay back quite a few of the bills.

had we been divorced then no, I wouldn’t have been paying to support him to care for his mum. He’d have had to work something else out.

You're not the OP though are you?

She doesn't work full time because in her own words, 'she's never had to'.

Had she not thought like that, she'd have a lot more savings.

Same could be said for mum though.

once kids are 18 unless the child receiving dla is needing 24 hour care then no reason she shouldn’t be working to support herself and contributing to children at uni.

once they’re 18 the financial support should be between dad and the children anyway. Mum should be able to pay her own way and also support the children.

So your ex and the tax payer has been funding your life style for the past 15 years.
So i would think anyone would have used 500 for the kids expenses and split the other 500 in to the kids savings that would be a lot over the 15 years for the kids to have when they hit uni.
Cm will come to an end your kids are teens at this point in life you can work full time and start funding your self.
Because exs and us tax payers are not personal atm machines.
I think you ex is in the right.

I find this such a weird attitude - the idea that the moment the child turns 18, that's it, parents can both just chuck them out and wash their hands of them.

Or in the non-resident father's case, stop paying a contribution to the roof over their head, and just give it straight to the 18 year old, knowing that the resident parent is unlikely to chuck them out.

This is why my agreement covers the kids until they are 23 if they are in full time education - there's an acknowledgement that it's me that's providing their day to day living and support, and so I get to choose where the maintenance goes. If either of us want to give them extra money, that's up to us.

No high levels of care needed. Hospital appointments every other month and a couple of inpatient stays. The father attends 95% of these too.

People are so harsh on OP. Is it some kind of twisted jealousy. I work 30 hours a week and get a generous cms allowance too. Also supported by universal credit. Literally claim what I am entitled to. I started a thread and everyone piled on calling me lazy too. I do 99% of childcare. Ex lives an extravagant life abroad. Of course children of a high paying parent should benefit from a reasonable lifestyle?! Bizarre to me!

I swear mumsnet is a race to the bottom. Being a single parent is bloody hard work. Easy in two parent families with double incomes to make comments but you aren’t running a house alone and literally doing everything.

Please take no notice of ignorant posters OP.

is it right he’s not giving me a share of the notice money? Is it fair that the payments may stop when it runs out?

Your ex is being very fair & the doesn't have to give you a share of the money paid for 6 months notice.

Hopefully you've been prudent over the 15 years and have £ in savings as back up for a rainy day

@MikeRafone you can’t have savings and claim benefits too!

Yes you can

you can have up to £16k on HB if pension age or non working

you can have £6k claiming UC

council tax relief will vary on amounts

you can also overpay utilities bills and this not be seen as deprivation of accesses along with overpayment of social housing rent.

If he earns less next year would you repay him? No, you wouldn’t. He’s continuing to
pay you what he has so what’s your issue? a hypothetical one borne from greed.

I think if he was paying cms minimum then I'd agree with you. But he hasn't, he's consistently paid over on time. Which makes him better than most ex husbands. You only have to read the stories on the money and the divorced threads to be horrified.
So I'd see his overpayment as cancelling out his redundancy windfall tbh.
I know where you are coming from but I would let it go. Chances are he'll treat your kids and then it's win win.

16k is not a lot though is it! Will not even pay a house deposit.

Absolutely - people want the benefit of marriage following divorce. Thing is, for the hard times as OP has illustrated perfectly they’re not there - they just want to ride the gravy train and take the highs.