Shall I move back home but lose life Iove?

[Wondering222]

Trying to keep this short, I'm European, moved to UK for uni, have a husband, son and a lovely life with good jobs. The idea was always to move back before DS starts school but a job offer we had lined up fell through spectacularly literally weeks before we were supposed to move to my home country. My husband is very specialised in his field so job opportunities over there are few and far between. So we thought we'd stay for reception and then try again. However DS school is so lovely and he's been thriving so much that we put it off again. I visit my parents at home all the time - the longest we're apart is 3 months, but often it's ever 2 months I go- and we spend the entire summer holidays there. (I can make it work with work) My parents are fit and well thank goodness but thinking ahead I feel terrible that I'm not physically closer and cannot help them more. Would you in these circumstances throw everything in and take the risk and move (with potentially worse jobs and definitely less money, plus my son having to change school- he speaks both languages but loves where we live now)? Or shall I just wait a few more years?

Yabu- stay where you are
Yanbu-- try and move quickly

No I most certainly would not

uproot my husband and my child and our good jobs and home for my parents who are fit and well

added to which, if I were your parents I’d be pleading you to stay where you were

Thanks for your reply. Yes my parents say that as well, that we should stay where we are. But then they've always been there for me and I'd like to offer them more practical help....I suppose I can still revisit the thought in later time when necessary!

You’d like to offer them more practical help but at the expense of quite a lot op

your husband absolutely happy to do this?

what about his family?

Why do you think someone might recommend that you do? I'm confused by the post somewhat, are you maybe feeling a bit homesick?

I think that over the years, I've been massively overthinking the situation and I'm unsure now whether I'm making this out to be more difficult and complicated than it actually is. Hence me asking for opinions from people who are not involved and have an objective view!

Try to get to the issue of what your problem is.

Are you fearful for when your parents are not fit and well

Are you homesick and want to go home because that was always the plan?

If its the former, then YABU, you need to stop worrying about a future that might not even happen, its wasted energy - gains you nothing, focus in your present, a future isn't guaranteed.

You can offer them more help, you don't have to be there.

My husband gets on really well with my family and friends over there and would be happy to do it. My son however is very happy to visit and loves his grandparents but he always says he wants to stay here so that's an added complication!
His family seem supportive however way we decide.

Forget your parents in this. They are adults who can sort out their own practical help. You owe them nothing from a duty PoV. If you have a good relationship and WANT to see them, then see them socially for pleasure. Don't spend your social visits being their carer.

How would moving to your home country benefit you personally, plus your husband and child? Is the lifestyle better? Are you desperately homesick and your mental health suffering? Would your child get a better education? Where do you and your husband want to retire eventually?

Do you both have better/worse work prospects in UK vs your ‘home’ country?

I’d plan to live where the better work and earning opportunities are.

Don’t think it’s ideal to relocate countries with secondary age DC.

Sorry I meant my husband's family are supportive either way.

It’s all

I
and

Me

it would be nothing short of selfish to move op

And your husband? Happy to earn less, less job opportunities, lose his lovely home and life, watch his son uprooted from a great school?

It's a wealthy mid European country that I'm from and whilst I'm sure we'd be okay job wise, my husband works for a big company with lots of perks and when we move he'll almost certainly will have to commute a fair distance. I'd definitely have to retrain. At the moment we both work from home and I work school hours so we got a sweet deal really.

To be honest I'm more thinking of my parents. I could live in either place. Sorry if it came across as selfish. But you might be right as in my husband and son might prefer to stay wehere we are.

No brainer - stay where you are

He says (and I think he means it!) that he just wants to be where we are (me and our son), he likes my home country. For clarity it's a great quality of life there too..

If I were your parents, I’d be so stressed at thought of my daughter uprooting her lovely life and that of my grandchild’s to help me with practical stuff

But you might be right as in my husband and son might prefer to stay wehere we are.

come again?

you haven’t actually discussed this either your husband and how he feels about it?

I suppose one way to look at it is this - if you know for certain you will down tools and return if and when your parents begin to ail then perhaps there is an argument to relocate sooner rather than later. The rationale being that you would be better investing the coming years establishing yourselves where your parents are rather than here when you might have to drop and run and start from scratch a few years down the line.

What does your partner think?

Your parents have said to stay put. Listen to them! They don't need or want you to move either

Would you really? That's such a refreshing perspective.. I'm always thinking surely they'd be happier if their grandchild was around all the time....

No, we've discussed it many times. He says he is happy to move and happy to stay, but I'm suspecting that deep down he would like to stay where we are.

Whilst your parents are fit and well I'd stay where you are. You could reassess if and when your parents are elderly or unable to care for themselves.

Realistically, I think you’ve made your choice and you’ve cast your lot here with the family you’ve created. I’m from further away than Europe and I knew that when I decided to marry Dh and we decided to create a family life here in the UK that that was my decision. Of course, things can change and maybe at some point you all want an adventure, but you cannot - long term - pull yourself in two.

If you leave home and create a new one for your family, then that has to become your priority. I suspect there are cultural aspects at play (in my culture, caring for ageing parents isn’t such a strong expectation, we would expect them to self-fund care or the government). I think you’ve made probably need to explore ways of connecting with your home country and caring for your parents that don’t involve uprooting your family. In my own case, my children’s future is more important to me that my parent’s care in old age, and I have put them first.

I would be very surprised given he has a lovely home, life and niche job AND he sees how happy and settled his son is - that he wouldn’t prefer to stay op