Shall I move back home but lose life Iove?

[Wondering222]

Trying to keep this short, I'm European, moved to UK for uni, have a husband, son and a lovely life with good jobs. The idea was always to move back before DS starts school but a job offer we had lined up fell through spectacularly literally weeks before we were supposed to move to my home country. My husband is very specialised in his field so job opportunities over there are few and far between. So we thought we'd stay for reception and then try again. However DS school is so lovely and he's been thriving so much that we put it off again. I visit my parents at home all the time - the longest we're apart is 3 months, but often it's ever 2 months I go- and we spend the entire summer holidays there. (I can make it work with work) My parents are fit and well thank goodness but thinking ahead I feel terrible that I'm not physically closer and cannot help them more. Would you in these circumstances throw everything in and take the risk and move (with potentially worse jobs and definitely less money, plus my son having to change school- he speaks both languages but loves where we live now)? Or shall I just wait a few more years?

Yabu- stay where you are
Yanbu-- try and move quickly

It's up to you but ...

DH and I thought about moving quite a bit (for much different reasons to you and not for family, so different) pre-school.. The move kept getting put off, and then through primary years the big move was put off again a few times for this and that.

My oldest is now year 8 and my youngest is in last year of primary (yr6). Although we are now ready and able to move, we can't because we've left it too late. Both our children are so ingrained here now. My oldest has the same friends from the start of primary and my youngest is about to move to secondary with all his friends from the feeder primary school. They know the village we live in well, and are involved in local clubs. We just cannot up root them.

If you are going to go, you need to go NOW before your DC gets much older. A move mid-way through primary is ok, but the longer you leave it the harder it will be to uproot your children and in my case, we left it too late and now it cannot (without significant and very real negatives to my children) be done..

Does your DH speak the other language?

He's done quite a few courses and understands a lot, but the accent where we'd be going is really strong so he'd probably struggle along for the first year or so

Thanks for your reply. I totally understand your position! Yes exactly that's my thoughts as well- that if we do go it has to kind of be now....

Most of us have partners of the same nationality so don't understand your emotions. I'm in a mixed marriage, European and English so completely understand your thought process. Whilst your parents are well I would stay put, and once they begin ageing you'll just need to up your visits to be with them.
No easy answer, but so long as you are happy here with stable jobs and good income I would make the decision to stay and reconsider in 10 to 15 years. Xx

My goodness your primary concern is your family not your fit and able parents, can't believe you would uproot all of you for people who have had their chance to raise their kids. Even your son is making his feelings known.

From everything you have said I would stay. But I think you are kidding yourself if you say ‘let’s revisit in a few years’. You’re only going to get more settled as the years go by. Your husband will get pay rises, promotions, better pension pot, your child will make friends, join clubs, be part of the local community. It’s easier to move a reception child than a Year 5 child, with strong opinions and valid arguments and big emotions.

Yes I think it's me being afraid for when they get ill or elderly.... You're right I suppose I can offer more help even when not there! I'm very happy here, I do get the occasional pang of homesickness but I've got my life here now really and have many friends and I'm very involved in my son's school...

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I think this might have to be the way to go. Wishing you all the best x

I'm sure your parents would love to see their grandchild more.

But as a counterpoint view... my parents (I'm not British) adored their grandchildren visiting, and were very hands-on grandparents, but as they got older, began to talk about how grateful they were to NOT be in the same position as their friends with local grandchildren, who did regular childcare, and whose ageing bodies struggled with keeping up with energetic preschoolers and lifting heavy toddlers in and out of carseats. My late MIL used to say she'd love to see the grandchildren, but she largely meant seeing us, sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, while the children played outside. My kids loved her, but the distance helped shield them from the worst of her dementia too.

Honestly, the way you are splitting out your holidays and travelling regularly may actually be the best balance you could have for your parents, who aren't so close that they need to feel any obligation to do more, and can still have their quiet home back to themselves when you've gone back home.

In that case, stop worrying about a future that might not happen, you're serving no purpose and wasting energy on worry that could be better spent.

Deal with the future when it comes, 👌 deal with your today, their today is fine, do what is best for YOUR immediate family, they are your. highest concern, your parents are living their best life, they don't need you to parent them.

I think it would depend on which country it is and if it would be easy for you to come back if it doesn’t work out.

I left the UK with my teens for my home country Sweden and neither of us have any regrets. Our quality of life here is miles better than it was in the UK even though we had more money when we lived there.

Sounds like there are far more positives for staying where you are.

I'm a parent in this situation: partner and me, both late seventies but still fairly fit and healthy; daughter lives with husband and children in another European country, good jobs both, bilingual grandkids doing well at school.

We miss our daughter and grandchildren terribly, of course. We see them three/four times a year plus occasional holidays together, and have contact with grandchildren by Zoom calls, read them stories, chat etc. regularly.

Yes, in some ways we'd like them to live closer. But really we're happier they're doing so well; we tried to facilitate our daughter's independence of mind and individuality and are more than pleased with her as an adult. She's a really fulfilled person, career, family ... Everything we could have wished. Grandchildren love seeing us as we do them. We're as close as it's possible to be living apart, and in some ways even closer than others I know who live apart but in the same country; I suspect the awareness of 'foreign' somehow shines the scene here.

Neither of us grandparents wants to put a burden of care on any of our children when/if we need looking after in future, one or both of us. We've arranged things (we hope!) so that won't happen.

So, OP, tldr: live your life and leave your parents to it. I'm sure that's what they want too.

My sibling has a European wife and three children with the eldest going to uni now. They moved back and forth a few times for long enough that all four now have both passports and are bilingual. The children have enjoyed living both places but they are all going to finish school (gcse -a level) in England but have the options for uni in either country. I think you probably need to focus more on really why you want to move and also think of it less permanently.

Same here. I actually come from a country where looking after ageing parents is a cultural expectation but it's not something I (or my parents) prescribe to if you have kids/a better life elsewhere. I'm an only child and my parents wanted me to live my own life and have always said my own family should take precedence as that's what they wanted for me.

This notion of every generation only existing to sacrifice to look after the previous generation goes against the concept of evolution and civilisation progressing. In my home country people have children to have old age care and that affects how those children are raised, the life choices they're encouraged to make and their own happiness. It's awful and backwards and borne out of selfishness rather than a love of 'family'.

OP, your priority should be your DS and DH and not making them sacrifice a good school and a career to go home to your fit and well parents. If you're homesick then you'll need to find a way to deal with those feelings rather than uproot your family's life. Your DH clearly loves you and will do what it takes to make you happy, but don't make him give up his own career to do this. That's not fair or sensible and will just lead to resentment and unhappiness for all of you.

Stay where you are and don't make being a carer your life's focus. If it's a country where the have access to medical and old age care, they'll be fine especially as they're fit and well.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Yes, it's somewhat the norm in my home country to look after ageing parents and also, because the quality of life of life is very high there, noone really moves abroad, or let's say not many. It's a good point about my husband's career as well- thanks for your perspective x

I think on paper and in theory, the quality of life is supposedly "better" where I come from- but we live in such a lovely place in the country here in the hills, and I've always found Brits very friendly, and also we've got so many tourists where I come from that you literally can't get out of your own driveway some weekends....

Thank you so much for your kind words, great advice especially about living more in the moment as you never know what the future holds!

I was you 15 years ago. For me it wasn’t just about my parents getting older as I could travel back and forth (my home country is 2 hour flight away), but also about missing childhood friends and just general quality of life longer term. We also had a lovely life in the U.K., great jobs etc.
I think the time to move is when your children are younger. It becomes much more difficult over time.
Personally, now 50, I regret not making the move. Partly because I think as we get older our quality of life in my home country would have been much better ie healthcare, elderly care.

Thanks for your kind reply and insight! That's absolutely something to consider as well I agree... Im also worried I might have regrets later on.
My husband has applied for many jobs over there but it just never seemed to work out, plus Kindergarten spaces were so oversubscribed on my home country (with a ratio of about 2 adults to 23 children!) and my son was in such a lovely nursery....I suppose you can't always compare like that though!

Where are your DH family? Nearby to where you live now? How will he care/see them if you move to your home country?

Do you have siblings? Where are they?

Dh family is close by. He's got a sister who's a nurse and she's very close to her mum....my sister also lives abroad and whilst we get on well, I'm not counting her in in any way to help me with my parents. She's very much "if it's not fun, it's not getting done" (exaggerated but you get the idea!) she gets on well with my parents and also often visits but there is no chance whatsoever that she'd be moving back!

It's horrible when you are a split family and no matter where you are , one of you will be a long way from parents and that could cause problems as they get older

But that less one of you will always be in the wrong place - if you move he may feel how you feel now - all wrong

So there is no right answer , just different people feeling bad

Oh dear, that's so depressing 😭