to feel jealous that a friend has come into a lot of money

[Anonimouselee]

Struggling with feelings here. Friend has come into a lot of money. Enough to pay the mortgage off with the same again coming down the line. They totally deserve it, is a lovely person and a great friend. But... I just feel a bit crap. Making me question our huge mortgage, life decisions, career choices. Others must experience this...? How do I get my head around it?

I got my Dad’s death in service benefit when he died suddenly aged 56. Aren’t I lucky

Totally get your feelings, but use it to spur yourself on and fulfil some of your ambitions. I inherited a house from the death of my dad and everyone kept telling me how lucky I was. Even now, I’d rather have my dad back. If she got the money like this, she might be really struggling and need your friendship more than ever. Xx

I understand. My friend has got an enormous pay rise in her new job.. I'm genuinely happy for her and proud of her but jealous too; because she's got so much and I keep questioning my life (I haven't got a job and finding one seems impossible). I think a bit of jealousy is quite normal and nothing to be ashamed of; it's a human emotion.

Despite my friend's wealth, I'd still rather be me. If I were her I'd be rich but I wouldn't have the lovely family I have (hers is very nice but mine is the best 😆). Imagine yourself being your friend, and realise you have your own wealth. God knows money makes life so much easier, but it doesn't necessarily make it happier.

Huh? If this is the sibling where they share a mum and the sibling got the money from her dad, it was not the PP's mum's money (married or not). It was the PP's mum's ex's money - not something that the PP's mum would have had any control over (and nothing that talking to her current partner/husband - the PP's father) could have changed. And the PP was/is no relation to the man who gave/is giving the money, so, why would he gift her money?

Understanding that the PP's feelings of resentment, but I don't see what her mum could have done.

OP - I understand. We have friends who as a couple have received in excess of 500k from inheritance throughout there marriage. I won't receive anything (estranged) and DH unlikely too.

The multi trillion dollar transfer of wealth from boomers to their descendants is going to break up friendships.

People will have lead similar lives from childhood till their 50s, but one has parents that were spenders and one had parents that were savers. And both sets of people are going to struggle to deal with it. There will be so much jealousy.

I have experienced a friend coming into a substantial sum from a lotto win, she didn't tell me for over 10 years. I knew she somehow had a lot of money and never asked where it came from because I knew she would tell me if she wanted to.

She is no happier for it. She became suspicious everyone 'poor' (but actually middle class) she knew would try and exploit her and ask for things.

She could afford and wanted to do fancy things her old friends couldn't. So she basically had a new set of friends to do fancy stuff with, who weren't actually very good friends. And her old friends to do the hard work graft of friendship listening to her troubles, but her troubles were rich peoples troubles she shared while going 50/50 on a cheap chinese take out. It got tone deaf and insensitive from my pov, so sadly despite a 40 year friendship and I didn't care she had money, we have grown apart. I want good times as well as bad with my friends, but was just getting the misery her rich friends wouldn't tolerate.

I understand most people will not be joyful at getting an inheritance if it means the loss of a loved one. But the natural order is everyone will loose their parents, so it is easier to make that argument if you know an inheritance is coming.

Losing your parent and having your mortgage paid off and being able to afford nice holidays while you clink your glasses and raise a toast to your mum is different to losing your parent, struggling to pay your mortgage and struggling to pay for a funeral to give your loved ones the send off you know they deserve. Completely different levels of stress from an event that inevitably will happen to most people.

Obviously I am talking about normal age related deaths, not something particularly more traumatic.

Not necessarily. Not everyone joins finances when married, particularly when there are stepchildren involved.

She isn’t ’their’ other child. She has two parents, neither of which is him. He’s not responsible for her. It’s very normal, if not standard, for stepparents to give, and bequeath, their money to their own biological children.

The mother could have said something, for all we know, but that doesn’t mean she could have stopped him.

This emotion is normal, but it only lasts for a moment, and you need to balance it yourself.

Someone died to leave that money to your friend.
Death money is not happy money.

No, no one died. Read the OP's post - the friend "came into the money" through investments and career choices (i.e. worked for it).

Thanks for pointing that out oops missed that very important detail.👍

It was a weirdly worded title/first post - clear assumption was that the friend got the money without working for it (i.e. by inheriting). Most of the earlier posts (and some later) were based on that assumption.

I know someone like this. They're also very willing to teach other people how to do the same. Maybe your friend will be happy to help you out to get started?

Honestly you just get a hold of yourself. We don't all get the same in life.
If you feel you're not doing well according to your own metrics, that's something to take a look at.
If you're just giving yourself a hard time because you feel you should somehow have managed to do this too, then you need to cut yourself a break. I would have no idea where to start with investing, most people wouldn't, and most really important jobs that society need don't bring in a huge amount of money. It's tough in the world financially for most people right now.

If you were happy I don't think you'd be jealous of this friend. So what's making you not happy?

Remind yourself you are probably in the top 10
% for wealth in the world and there is always going to.be someone with more money than you.

It's all perspective and easy to get caught up with the small world view rather than the wider picture.

It's a normal feeling. Obviously it's your issue and not your friend's so try not to let on and just do what you need to do to ignore it. My friends settled down earlier than me so got houses at a much cheaper price than I have. But I remind myself there's pros and cons to all decisions and ups and downs in life. I have a good marriage and healthy, adorable kids when some perhaps aren't as happy in their relationships or jobs or have had trouble with fertility or health etc (basically count your blessings).

So you mean your friend has earned a lot of money.

Then the mother should leave more to her child in her will to even things out.

The alternative to inheritance isn't everlasting life. You could have still lost your father at age 56 and received nothing at all. That element is what the poster is referring to in terms of 'luck'.

@Anonimouselee

What you are questioning is yourself.
I wouldn't equate this with jealousy towards your friend, it's simply a catalyst.

You are as you are.
If you are the kind of person who prefers stability, then you can't simultaneously be a person who doesn't mind taking a risk. You can't reap the benefits of risk without dealing with the possibility of losing.

If you have purposely chosen to take on a particularly large mortgage, there must have been reasons as to why. What has changed?
The fact that your friend has now had that weight taken off her shoulders is making you realise that your mortgage is stressful for you?

There's no one way to live and as long as you try to make decisions based on your own personalities, rather than other people's, then things tend to work out.

I knew a woman ages ago, who received a huge compensation payment as a beneficiary. She bought a huge house, new cars and started a family fairly quickly. I didn’t think much at the time but now this post makes me think I wasn’t jealous then and not now. I’m happy with what I have even though I do have a huge mortgage lol.

I know the OP wasn't talking about inheritance, but this point about inheritance being minimised because of a loss always irritates me. We are all going to lose parents , relatives etc but we aren't all going to inherit. There is no denying that if two people lose a parent and one comes into a large inheritance and the other doesn't, you both still have the sadness of losing a parent and the one with the £ is better off and will feel the benefit of that. It doesn't lessen the loss and it doesn't mean the person who gets nothing will miss their parent any less. We would all rather have the person back (mostly), but that's not the point.

First acknowledgement. Admit it to yourself you're happy for your friend but wish it was you. I can't see anyone not having a twinge of jealousy. Even the richest person in the world wishes they had more. Second put it all into perspective. Yes they've made different choices and if you made different choices, you wouldn't be where you are, or the person you are now. Other choices could of led to you being worse off. Third acceptance. Accept that this is how things are and right now you can't change it even if you wanted to with 3 genie wishes. Fourth you are doing the best you can with what you have and you're doing amazing.

I'm saying this to make you feel better - I'm not sure if it will, but please know that that is my intention.

There are people jealous of you too. Jealous that you own your own home when so many are stuck in the rental trap. Jealous that you no doubt have a larger home than many other people who may live in 2 bed terraces with 4 kids. Jealous that you probably have a car, maybe even two. Jealous that you have a career at all when they are stuck in shitty deadend jobs, knowing they are worth more but couldn't afford uni. People that are homeless are jealous of those in overcrowded homes. People in war torn countries, terrified for their lives are probably jealous of people who live in peaceful countries, even if they have absolutely nothing.
A friend of mine is a lot richer than me because she had two huge inheritances, but she's jealous of people that had their parents around to meet their grandkids and would give back the inheritance if they could have back the parents they inherited from.

My point is, there is always going to be someone who has more than you (unless you're Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos) but there's always going to be a hell of a lot of people who have less too. So whenever you feel the green-eyed monster, as we all do, remember what you have.