to feel jealous that a friend has come into a lot of money

[Anonimouselee]

Struggling with feelings here. Friend has come into a lot of money. Enough to pay the mortgage off with the same again coming down the line. They totally deserve it, is a lovely person and a great friend. But... I just feel a bit crap. Making me question our huge mortgage, life decisions, career choices. Others must experience this...? How do I get my head around it?

Ah it's difficult op. I'm sure you'll get folks saying you're lucky to have a house etc. etc. which is of course true!

But it's very hard not to feel how you feel, whilst still being happy for your friend. I guess don't dwell on it, go and do something else to make yourself forget about it?

Use this as a prompt - use the jealousy as a catalyst

What specifically is it about that situation that is bothering you? Past the money

What can you do to move towards having that for yourself?

You’ve looked at their grass plenty now start watering your own grass - use this to empower your decisions now and going forward

How did they come into it? A lottery win for example is pure luck and I think most people would be envious of that. Inheritance from the death of a close family member? Not so much. If it was through good investment choices or a work bonus then of course its natural to compare life choices but ultimately it won't make you richer or happier.

Is your envy to do with the way your friend ‘came into’ the money? Eg is it through their own work etc? (Asking because you mention reflecting on your choices)

Your friend is unbelievably daft telling you about the inheritance. We have never had an inheritance, DH Father and my Mother left their money to their favourite children, not us by the way. It’s just how the world is.

Come into it how? Reasonable to be jealous of lottery wins or Eva Ibbotson novel plot lines. But if your friend inherited from the death of someone close, the money doesn’t assuage the grief – think about what you’re wishing for. It boils down to: “I hope someone I love dies so I can be rich!”

It is natural to feel envious of your friend and to recognise she is a nice person, at the same time.

Allow yourself time to work through these feelings so that they don’t impact your relationship with her.

If her windfall has you questioning previous life decisions, are there any new directions that you want to move in? Or, changes to your priorities which you want to focus on? Use this opportunity to refocus your energies where they will make the biggest impact on your quality and enjoyment of life. Then stay in your own lane.

Look, definitely don’t feel bad about feeling as you do, you’ve said you are pleased for her but it’s brought up some feelings which seems like a very balanced response. I’ve had similar recently, had a quick think and moved on. Ultimately you made the best decisions you could at the time and if for your friend this money is due to inheritance or winning money then it’s not going to be something you can bridge by doing overtime or cutting out your takeaway coffee and is just one of the vagaries of life.

You'll just have to keep quiet I'm afraid unless you want to loose a friend!

We've inherited my parents house and relocated to move in and one of my (ex) friends made a comment about how nice it must be not to have had to bother with a mortgage or saving for a house (we previously didn't own anything ) it really hurt!

Yeah it's brilliant that I've lost both parents in 5 years before I'm 40 but at least I've got a house!

It's just life some of friends have more and some less I'd try not to waste my energy on even thinking about it if I could!

Inheritance is often seen in the same way as a lottery win as the person receiving it may be perceived to have not worked for it.

It is an absolute lottery whether you receive an inheritance or not.

Jealousy is normal. As long as you recognise the feelings of jealousy and do not let it impact your behaviour, it is just one of those emotions you need to work through.

I also disagree that the 'how' the money has came to be E.g inheritance is a factor in whether the jealousy is justified. We all lose loved ones, no one wishes a loved one dead, but its inevitable it will happen. When my parents pass away, i will (unless care home fees are needed) inherent a modest amount, but I have friends who are likely to inherent a substantial amount, e.g enough to pay off their house, buy holiday homes if they so wish and have a very cushy retirement. I don't think when the time comes, having a pang of jealousy when comparing will make me a bad person. - I guess an exception to this would be if the inheritance came from a very young, untimely death.

It’s not uncommon to feel a pang of envy in these circs- feel it then let it go

Worth thinking more about why her good fortune is making you question your choices. Could be a catalyst for change, could be nothing.

When you say questioning your life choices - did they inherit? Because life choice has nothing to do with that.

Separately it’s hard all round at the minute… pretty much everyone is feeling it.

I think its ok to feel envious of inheritances. I may well inherit, (if care fees aren't needed) my best friend won't because her father doesn't own much. We would both experience the same level of grief. I see it trotted out here time and time again that a person would rather have their loved one than an inheritance, do you think Barbara who got zilch doesn't want her loved one back too?

How do you know? Why have they told you? None of my friends know we've inherited a lot of money, in fact they'd be really shocked. We've paid off a big chunk of the mortgage and have put a lot into savings so they'd have no idea. I'm very aware how incredibly lucky I am and don't feel any good could come of bragging to other people.

Inheritance through a family member is still pure luck.

OP, you’re feeling envy because it IS unfair. And it’s only going to get worse as asset rich boomers die off and pass off completely unearned housing wealth to children. Some will get ££££, others will get very little. What’s fair about that?

I'm not envious precisely but children of friends inherited sizable chunks of money from great aunt they saw very rarely. Rarely to the point their father, the nephew, went to pick her up for Christmas Day (without checking first) and she'd died some time back.
The money allowed my friend's children to put deposits on houses.

Money can be life changing.

I think it’s rather naïve to assume that life is fair in the first place tbh.

Jealousy is also a completely unproductive emotion so better to allow yourself a twinge and move on.

It is also unproductive to think of ourselves as being in competition with other people. Far better to spend that energy on analysing our own financial situation, putting a plan in place and working hard to achieve it.

OP, there is no pleasure to be had in envying someone else’s good fortune, ot will just eat you up. She is still your friend - in a house with the mortgage paid for. And what? I’m sure you have friends who are better placed or have a better job or have more friends or seem to have a shaft of sunlight over their life, and you can reflect how nice that would be and move swiftly on. You get your head round it by being glad with what you have - in world terms, we are all so fortunate here that we should thank our lucky stars each and every day. There will always be people who are better off than you - I have a very well off DSis and I think sometimes how lovely it must be to go on holiday umpteen times a year and be able to buy exactly what you want - but you know what? I really don’t have it too bad, and I am happy with what I have, and with my DH and DC. Don’t sacrifice the happiness you have by getting all screwed up about something you can’t and may never have. If your friend really is your friend, be happy for her, and enjoy what you have rather than becoming bitter chasing after rainbows.

I agree . You have been really sensible with the money and sensible to keep it to yourself . I would do exactly the same . In fact I'm a lot better off than I let on . I pretend to be keeping my head just above water . I've seen the divisions and envy caused by money .

@Shepherdscrookish335 I think it’s rather naïve to assume that life is fair in the first place tbh.

Life isn't fair, that's a given. But inheritance is the one area that could be levelled up to a greater extent. if you've worked your knackers off and tried your hardest, and someone else gets £££ handed to them having done absolutely nothing to warrant it (other than chance of birth, chance of parents living in a wealthy area and house prices having gone stratospheric), it is blatantly unfair.

I agree that jealousy is a toxic emotion. But that doesn't alter that those who will inherit 6 figure sums are going to be able to pull away from those who don't. And friendships will be tested. There was a thread on here just the other day about a couple who had done just that because they and their friends were no longer in the same boat and the differences were too massive.

Nothing wrong with noticing and feeling bad about the unfairness of life. Ignore people who tell you it's your problem, OP.

My partner inherited nothing. Her parents owned two farms each worth around a million and she had two older brothers and they got one each. The girls in the family didn't get a penny. The girls in the family had provided all the care and support their parents needed in their later years. It was grossly unfair.
Their brothers have just taken their inheritance as their right and ignored the injustice. I think some jealousy and resentment and some anger with their parents for not trying to find a more equable solution is perfectly justified.

This.
Basically a decent slice of the population are getting lottery wins while the rest really struggle.

It's the fault if the insane rise in house prices.

We should all be mad about it.

It's going to lead to a hugely demotivated workforce as work is such a minor determinant of lifestyle now