to feel jealous that a friend has come into a lot of money

[Anonimouselee]

Struggling with feelings here. Friend has come into a lot of money. Enough to pay the mortgage off with the same again coming down the line. They totally deserve it, is a lovely person and a great friend. But... I just feel a bit crap. Making me question our huge mortgage, life decisions, career choices. Others must experience this...? How do I get my head around it?

I understand your feelings and the shame that comes with them.

I have two half siblings, one I share my mum the other I share my Dad.

One sibling has been bought a house, outright, by her Dad. Following this, all my siblings children have been bought new cars and houses.

My other sibling has been gifted a large (and a mean the majority of the mortgage) deposit to buy a beautiful house by her partners parents.

Both my siblings live very comfortably, secure that they have very secure beautiful homes with their children’s future bright and without financial hardship. Me and my DH work our absolute cocks off- we earn decent money but we are unfortunately the paupers of the family having to say no to expensive/extravagant family holidays (that our very young nieces and nephews can easily afford as they are also mortgage free) because we simply can’t afford it.

We are an incredibly close family and I and am absolutely disgusted in the jealousy/envy I feel. We have never been gifted a penny, which is fine, but it’s so hard when everyone around us is so well off without having to work so bloody hard for it. I try my best not to be bitter, and I hope to god my siblings never recognise it as it’s not their fault. It’s something I’m very ashamed of.

I suppose the point of all that is to say I get it, but try and put it to the back of your mind because nothing will change.

Of course you’re going to feel jealous.

I assume she won the lottery or something, rather than losing a loved one.

But realistically there’s nothing you can do about it and so you can allow yourself to be jealous for a minute and then get over it.

Focus on the things you do have.
E.g you have a mortgage which most people in this country will never have.

The money is not related to bereavement but career/investment decisions

So they've earned it by making good decisions and hard work? Ask their advice to enable you to do the same.

Well if they have earned it good on them.

No knee jerk reactions. A friend of mine went into meltdown when I had a large inheritance and made some very foolish decisions in order to not be outdone

This is why it's best to not discuss personal money with friends/family. Not everyone will be happy for you, sadly.

Please keep your feelings to yourself and don't tell your friend.

I got a small inheritance when my dad died about 8 years ago and I told one of my friends who I thought was a true friend. She actually has some savings herself so I don't know why she acted like this but her jealously showed and she tried telling me to spend it on this and that. She also ended up going on and on about her dad saying he's done this for her he's done that for her alot after I told her. Almost like throwing it in my face. It's all she spoke about to me in the end. She lost me as a friend as I couldn't cope with it.

Agreed. I would honestly keep this sort of thing to myself. Money is and always has been a divider of people. There is no need to gloat about your financial good fortune, particularly if you know the person you're gloating to is unlikely to ever be as fortunate.

Like you viscouscurrentbun, my in-laws are in the process of actively favouring their youngest child and this will continue until they die. It's maddening to watch him receiving everything they refused 'out of principle' to my DH. They've even told my DH, he's getting nothing in the will, but you can be as sure as damn it the younger brother will be.

Agree with this. It's different to just getting hand outs. I still stand by not talking about finances to friends unless you absolutely have to or have asked for their advice.

A lot of the career stuff comes down to right place/right time. I know someone who had a gigantic windfall that was totally unexpected. You have to put your (natural and understandable) jealousy aside.

Could the person have kept this a secret? It really is not advisable to tell people you have money. DH inherited £15k. The very next week, someone needed to “borrow £15k”. Thankfully we had already sent it to repay a chunk of the mortgage by the time it was requested as a “loan” - that money blatantly would have gone into a black hole.

This is a good friend of yours. Don’t lose your friend over it. Try your best to be happy for them.

This is the type of thing I mean. It’s actually embarrassing x

How could your mother stand by and allow this unfairness to happen? I feel disgusted for you

Yes because money is everything op.
Nobody with money has any problems/gets ill/ divorces/loses loved ones, and so on. Their life's are all hunky dory forever because they have money.🙄

Money makes those things easier though.

When I got ill we could pay for private health care. When the illness is disabling I have a wheelchair I paid for and we can afford a cleaner and a gardener.

When my friend got divorced her money meant she could pay for a new home without that being worrying and stressful.

Few months ago I had a small promotion and long overdue pay rise (approx 500 quid per month better off). My DH asked whether I rang to tell any of family and friends. Of course I didn't.
A - jealousy
B - some family members would have actually mocked me or said I didn't deserve it, or something bitter so best jeep quiet and carry on.

I think it's pretty natural to feel how you do but we are all here to tread our own path.

What exactly are you feeling and why? What would make you feel better?

Because it wasn’t up to her mother to approve?

Oh come on. How could any mother not say something to her husband about this? If they were married it would HAVE been THEIR money. It’s a disgusting thing to do to your other child

If I had received an unfair amount I would have split equally with my siblings no questions asked

Be comfy in your own skin and make a list of all the good things in your life. Truly.

So she hasn't come in to a large amount of money.
She's made a large amount of money.
Honestly, you really need to think about this. Are you going to be jealous every time a friend makes a big success for themselves?

High risk, high reward.

How dull to be envious of other people's work and decisions. You should congratulate them... Or perhaps ask them for some investment tips.

I came into some money a few years ago and some people were jealous. The people who were jealous weren't close friends who knew the awful start in life I'd had and the damage it had done. And yes, the money was an inheritance.

I understand . Most if my friends will have decent retirements due to investment and good decisions. I am pleased for them and don't wish they didn't have it . I just wish I had it too. I am only jealous that I did not have the intelligence to make the same wise decisions. I thought I had a good plan but my circumstances changed, redundancy, MH issues . None of which is anyone's fault . It's OK to feel a bit jealous but it would be a shame to lose a friend who has done nothing wrong to you over it.