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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if 15 is too soon to have the relationship future talk?

65 replies

PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:07

Partner and I together 15 months, both early 30s. He is previously married and divorced after marrying his childhood sweetheart.

He has a career that often means moving around over the years is necessary. Currently we live 2.5 hours away and see each other for several days for every 2 weeks are each others homes. He spends time with my family and they love him too.

He said early on he’s open to kids or no kids. I felt the same. In a way I still feel like this, but leaning more towards to yes if I need to decide soon and at my age it does need to be decided soon.

Now I am at a life transition where I am looking for a new job. The last job was nearly 100% remote so I was at his home for weeks at a time but I don’t know what the next job will be (hybrid etc). I could take a job and then I’ll be 35 still in the same location not living together. He has never suggested moving in together.

He talks about in 10 or twenty years when together etc. In my heart I feel he’s the one but the fact he never raises the big issues makes me wonder. I also know 15 months isn’t long.

OP posts:
Catza · 02/03/2025 08:11

Timelines shrink as you get older. 15 months together when you are 18 is no time at all, 15 months together when you are mid to late 30s a very established relationship where if you didn't have a conversation about the next step, you may as well cut and run.

ViciousCurrentBun · 02/03/2025 08:13

15 months is plenty long to bring up bigger life plans.

Modern dating seems to have huge time frames these days. Probably because so many people have lived through their parents divorces or seen unhappiness in their parents marriages.

You do need to live together though so bring this up plus further chats on children. Men will happily pootle along with women they have zero intention of settling down with. There is no ambiguity and no second guessing when men really adore you.

Londonrach1 · 02/03/2025 08:13

At mid 30s yes you need to know. Hope the talk goes the way you want it too but it's better to know either way

ViciousCurrentBun · 02/03/2025 08:14

@Catza Has just hit the nail on the head, I knew DH when I was 29 and we started dating when I was 30, engaged within 12 weeks and married within 18 months.

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:16

I should also mention I raised wanting to have this conversation about 10 months in but he wasn’t ready so I dropped it.

But now I’m starting to feel bothered. We are very happy together and it’s my best relationship, but I’m starting to struggle without a future plan of some kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:24

@Londonrach1 I know.

Even now we’re together and I’m thinking I should raise it at breakfast but then I get too scared!

I know I need to rip the band aid off but also worry I won’t hear what I want and feel crushed by that.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 02/03/2025 08:27

You need to be living together if you’re having kids, and you need a job to enable that, so jump in and have that conversation.

ClimbingGreySquirrels · 02/03/2025 08:28

If you’re confused then, in my opinion, he doesn’t want it.

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:30

I think part of me resents having to raise it. I would like him to be proactive with the conversation.

but then you often hear about it having to be women driving these conversations forward (not all the time I know).

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:33

I think I need to bite the bullet today. I mean, what am I waiting for?

I suppose I’m scared by the idea he might not want what I want. And that I’d have to start over at 33.

but this is my life and that’s pretty serious isn’t it!

OP posts:
Gypsophilaaaa · 02/03/2025 08:39

I’d have the conversation now, possibly hear something you don’t want to hear, rather than wait and worry only to find it’s a negative response.
Alternatively make yourself less available and judge how he reacts.

WimpoleHat · 02/03/2025 08:43

I suppose I’m scared by the idea he might not want what I want. And that I’d have to start over at 33.

On that basis, definitely better to know now rather than next year, or the year after that. And - when you are over 30, certainly - a year is plenty long enough to know if this is going to be a goer or not (and, conversely, too long to hang around if it isn’t….).

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:43

Currently we live 2.5 hours away and see each other for several days for every 2 weeks are each others homes.

so a long distance irregular 15 month relationship

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:44

This sounds a very “arms length” relationship

have you met each others families? What happened over Christmas? Ever been on holiday together?

you hardly see one another

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:45

@Gypsophilaaaa i think you’re right.

Because if I take a job where I am this means potentially several more years living here apart and that means signing up to not having children imo.

I am usually assertive and sure footed so I’m not annoyed at myself for not being more like this in this case!

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:47

@Yellowink We go on holiday together yes, been on a few now, all been great. He said our first holiday was his best ever.

He is from another country in Europe so he went there for Xmas but we had a sort of pre Christmas dinner and some presents with my family before. He also spent last weekend with my family.

OP posts:
Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:48

The last job was nearly 100% remote so I was at his home for weeks at a time

vs

Currently we live 2.5 hours away and see each other for several days for every 2 weeks are each others homes.

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:49

Do you both love one another?

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:50

PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:47

@Yellowink We go on holiday together yes, been on a few now, all been great. He said our first holiday was his best ever.

He is from another country in Europe so he went there for Xmas but we had a sort of pre Christmas dinner and some presents with my family before. He also spent last weekend with my family.

Oh your other thread is how you’re really upset you’ve not been invited to his parents 60th

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:50

@Yellowink i am talking about in general.

I have often been able to spend weeks at his home but not since December because I was looking after a relative who died last month. Another big life change that has me wondering what’s next?

of course we do! We just said it last night before going to sleep. I adore him and I believe he feels the same. But we need some kind of plan. I’m not 25.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:52

@Yellowink thats true. We actually talked about meeting his parents since.

he said he’s happy to make it happen but his concern is about his parents. He said my parents are amazing and so easy going/welcoming but his parents haven’t always been this way and can be more abrasive.

does make me wonder how they were with his ex wife…

OP posts:
Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:53

Focus on finding a job op as might be tricky
and then make relationship decisions

Gypsophilaaaa · 02/03/2025 08:57

If he I sure about you he’ll face and overlook his parents not being welcoming and easy going. He sounds as if he’s coasting but you don’t have to. Focus him this morning and ascertain your future. At least you’ll know.

ExtraOnions · 02/03/2025 08:59

I was 31 when I got with my (now) Husband. On Date 2 I said to him that I wanted to get married and have children, and if that wasn’t on his agenda he needed to tell me, as this relationship wasn’t going to work. We were married the next year, and has our daughter the year after … 20 years ago

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 09:01

Gypsophilaaaa · 02/03/2025 08:57

If he I sure about you he’ll face and overlook his parents not being welcoming and easy going. He sounds as if he’s coasting but you don’t have to. Focus him this morning and ascertain your future. At least you’ll know.

Exactly. I’m happy in the relationship overall but not with the growing sense of coasting.

I’ll speak to him this morning.

OP posts: