To wonder if 15 is too soon to have the relationship future talk?

[PrueD]

Partner and I together 15 months, both early 30s. He is previously married and divorced after marrying his childhood sweetheart.

He has a career that often means moving around over the years is necessary. Currently we live 2.5 hours away and see each other for several days for every 2 weeks are each others homes. He spends time with my family and they love him too.

He said early on he’s open to kids or no kids. I felt the same. In a way I still feel like this, but leaning more towards to yes if I need to decide soon and at my age it does need to be decided soon.

Now I am at a life transition where I am looking for a new job. The last job was nearly 100% remote so I was at his home for weeks at a time but I don’t know what the next job will be (hybrid etc). I could take a job and then I’ll be 35 still in the same location not living together. He has never suggested moving in together.

He talks about in 10 or twenty years when together etc. In my heart I feel he’s the one but the fact he never raises the big issues makes me wonder. I also know 15 months isn’t long.

How old was he @ExtraOnions ?

How is the job hunt going?

Do it. You can start the conversation with your job contract is ending and fully remote jobs being scarce, that you may need to go hybrid and that could mean being in an office 3 days a week, and that you can’t guarantee those three so will alter your freedom to stay at his and how often you see each other. What does he want you to do?

He’ll hopefully say “oh crap, can you find a job in (his hometown)”? Or he’ll be oh well.

Sorry OP, but the more you post the more it makes it sound like you are a place marker for him. It's easy for him to mouth the words you want to hear to keep you ticking over. If he is enthusiastic when you talk to him today, and keen to make concrete timescales and has thought through practicalities then great, have at it. But if you get any hint of him just going along with it or feet dragging then you probably need to look elsewhere. Best you know now either way; this forum is full of women who waste years with partners who just coast along happy with the benefits of a relationship without actually making a commitment.

At the moment you’re unemployed Op
i imagine from his perspective he might be wondering if you’re thinking you’ll move to him and he will have to support you financially

I am sorry OP but it sounds like he is happy the way things are and he is just wasting your time.

Your relationship has not evolved after 15 months and you are simply a convenient girlfriend he gets to see whenever he feels like it with no commitment.

You are in your 30s and want a family so you don't have time to waste.

Have the conversation now and be prepared to leave if he is still vague.

My feeling is that he is not interested in more than what you already have.

@Cattreesea I raised it this morning and my feelings are mixed afterwards.

So at first he said he wanted to wait a few weeks to discuss until he’s over a stressful period at work. He said is that ok, I said no. I said I’m job hunting now so where am I looking? If we plan to move in together soon the needs to be part of the conversation and where I search.

For the job part we decided I will cast the net wide including his city in my search, so there would be a possibility I’d move there.

I also brought up kids etc and said this is a conversation we need to have. He agreed and said he was planning to bring it up soon as well. He said when we’re together in two weeks let’s discuss and plan properly.

I do think if I hadn’t raised it he would’ve carried on as is - regardless of what happens I feel relieved to have raised it and made my own feelings/desires known.

Yeah, he's not interested but wants you to be the one to break up. Otherwise he would have brought up Rightmove and started looking.

With my now DH I was in my late 30s and we were living in different countries. We still got married and made it work. I was also very clear that no marriage = relationship over.

If you want to have kids, he needs to be living with you and married to you soon. If he spends too long thinking about it then either he knows nothing about female fertility (very possible) and needs a wake up call, or you should move on.

Fingers crossed for you that your conversation in 2 weeks goes well, you've made it very clear what you are thinking.

40

not that simple tbh. Another factor is I own my home and he still rents.

@AnnaMagnani thanks Anna. I do feel better and happier for having had the conversation. Reminds me of my own strength and ability to start afresh even if I don’t want to necessarily.

Also he is the type of guy where I’ll raise something, he absorbs it for about a week then takes action. Hopefully the conversation will go the way I want. Failing that, I know Ill be ok.

So the conversation resolved nothing, I never understand this 'let's discuss in two weeks' nonsense.
He's wasting your time, he'll keep palming you off.
Next!

In my opinion, your boyfriend is enjoying what's on offer now and is unlikely to change. He slides along with his "decision" by altering the time frames.

Time to give him his marching orders and end all forms of contact.

Are you sure you're the only person he's involved with?

I think he’s enjoying the ‘now’ but I don’t think he will keep palming me off.

either we will have the proper talk in two weeks or it ends the relationship. I don’t think he would have said let’s make this plan together if he didn’t mean it though.

I think he is cautious due to being divorced before which is understandable but the focus is on us now.

I am sorry OP but in two weeks he will have yet another excuse ready.

I would cut your losses, focus on what you want and your job hunt and start dating again.

Where he lives… is it somewhere that you’d like to live?

what about your friends and family?

and move from your owned home to his rental?

this doesn’t seem sensible. How long before you actively need to be in work?

I imagine you being unemployed will terrify him that you’re thinking of moving to him

Whatever you do, please ensure you protect your own assets. Owning your home is such a big accomplishment and we see threads here everyday of women not legally protecting themselves and losing everything.

@Yellowink I could see myself living there. It’s not my ideal location but it is where he is and it’s ok.

My friends and family is the main reason I haven’t pushed this before now. They are here and I would miss them.

Earlier this year we discussed buying a place together. I agree with you, I don’t pay rent and returning to that would not be ideal. I have 3-6 months in savings tops but want to find a job as soon as I can. I wouldn’t move to him without a job.

I agree. It’s one thing I’m proud of and something that right now is just mine.

that’s another consideration to look into. Also, nice username.

Out of interest, had he been married before? @ExtraOnions ?

You own your home mortgage free?