Were you unkind at school?

[Sunshinescramble]

For those that were bullies or unkind at school, do you feel remorseful as an adult? Do you question why you did it?

I dont think I was a bully at school but i did say some mean things to a friend about her appearance on a few occasions. (Around age 12/13). 32 years after leaving school i still feel an incredible amount of guilt. We were never not friends and never fell out over it but I still feel incredibly awful.

I'm not sure if I was just trying to fit in at school and act like the "cool kids". I feel an idiot even just typing that. I came from an unloving, uncaring family with no morals. I guess I was just influenced by the people around me. It's not an excuse I know. I desperately wanted to be a part of the friendship group but never really fit in. I think they saw me as the odd one out and I retaliated. (I once heard them laughing about the clothes I was wearing , we couldn't afford to shop at trendy shops)

I was on the receiving end of name calling too. One girl used to call me a really horrible name throughout school to humiliate me so I knew how it felt.

I've raised my children to be good kids and be respectful of others. I've never subjected anyone to anything unkind since. I think people would describe me as a good person.

I'm no longer in contact with this girl but part of me wants to contact her and apologise. Would this be weird after so long?

No, but I was bullied. Stabbed with scissors when I was eight and moved school after that, and was then bullied even more because I moved to a tiny village school halfway through a year and nobody wanted to be friends with the ‘new girl’.

Secondary school was fine until one of the popular but nasty girls told a horrendous lie about me to one of my friends (she said that I had laughed when my friend’s Mum died) my friend believed her and never spoke to me again. Others sided with her and thought I was this terrible person but it wasn’t even remotely true. If you asked any of them if I’d been a bully, they would probably have said yes based on that lie. I often wonder if my former friend ever thinks about it and whether she still believes it. I hope she doesn’t. I also hope the one who told the lie is fucking haunted by it forever.

I think you've answered your own post here OP. You said you wouldn't want your bullies to suffer now for name calling you so I'm sure whoever you were unkind to feels the same about you. Forgive yourself and let it go. Noone is perfect and we can't be 'good' all the time. We are human, we learn from our mistakes and it sounds like you are a lovely person now and that's all the matters. We can't change the past but we can try not to repeat it. ❤

Someone from school told me once when I saw them in adulthood that I was awful to them and part the reason school was so awful. I was shocked.

I recall the person really well. In our friend group. I could only genuinely apologise and never really forgot what she said. I take complete ownership. At the time, I didn't have a clue to even stop and pause and be well decent and kind.

I've had extensive counselling and feel nothing but compassion for the underdog. I also realised I picked up some rather unkind traits ( I had a very tough family situation, with tough skinned people around me and a parental death at the age I apparently made this situation difficult for the girl).

It's horrible because I know I'm a decent kind hearted person and even I did that. But I know the person now is not the person then age 12.

My own child has never ending issues at school now. I do wonder about karma sometimes.

No, I definitely wasn’t a bully at all. I was subject to some bullying myself and also stood up to the bullies when they targeted others. It was hard work.

I was a pain in the ass to some of my teachers though. It wasn’t unprovoked, but with hindsight I can see that they would have had more problems of their own than I appreciated as a cheeky teen, so that’s my equivalent regret.

“Ultimately they were just kids, trying to find their place in school and influenced by the people around them.”
@Sunshinescramble do you think you would feel the same if it was your child being bullied? If your child was spat on and told to commit suicide multiple times a day? If they had years of therapy to deal with the trauma caused by the bullies?
I don’t buy this “finding their way” crap. Making a mean comment, yes that might be quite typical, actual bullying there is no excuse and people should feel guilty and shit. I don’t think you should apologise because it would be for your own benefit, I think you should feel that guilt. I guarantee you that your guilt is nowhere near as painful as the pain you caused. (I use the term you in reference to bullies in general, this may or may not apply to you).

Wow, this a brutal reply. I was absolutely not a bully. My guilt is over a few mean comments aged 12. I was on the receiving end of such comments too but I feel no resentment to the other 12 year olds who made them to me. You even state in your reply that mean comments are quite typical so why such hatred towards me (if that was your aim)

I can honestly say the type of bullying you have described i had never witnessed in my school. It may have happened but I cannot think of a single case of such awful, extreme bullying.
If this is something you are going through then I can't even begin to imagine the pain and I wish you and your loved one the strength to get through it.

I was to someone to a few people I thought "were being mean to me." I felt bad in later years and have apologised and made peace. Became friends with one.

@Chocolate85 that's horrific that your child is going through such extreme bullying. Schools seem to be becoming very brutal these days, I hear so much from those I know who are teachers. Schools seem to have lost their way in terms of disciplining students.

I think I was accidentally a bully at school.

I had a friend with whom I had this relationship dynamic where I would tease her/make fun of her in what I thought was a good natured way, and she would laugh and play along. It was like a running joke at the time. I late found out after we had all left school that she didn't like this and felt angry about it. I was absolutely gutted, as I really liked this girl and was (still am) horrified to have hurt or upset her. Had I known at the time how she felt I would have instantly apologised and stopped doing it, but I was immature enough to not recognise her laughing along as a defence mechanism rather than her actually enjoying the "banter". I still feel awful about it to this day, but I have no way of contacting her now, and even if I did I can't imagine she would particularly want to hear from me. But it really was immaturity/ lack of social and emotional development rather than any malicious intent.

I can hand on heart say I was never unkind once, the entire time I was at school. I was horrendously bullied and mostly kept to myself, but i stood up for other kids who were being bullied on several occasions.

I'm not saying this to be sanctimonious, I've made mistakes as an adult... But as a child and teen I was shy, sweet and never ever mean to a single soul.

Those bullies damaged me emotionally and I still remember some of the things they said all these years later.

PP saying its normal... It shouldn't have to be. Everyone has a conscience and I don't see why you were so special you didn't have to have any morals.

And I hope you feel ashamed at the impact you could have caused and the hurt people may have carried their whole lives because of you.

I probably wasn't as kind as I could have been, but I didn't start fights or pick on anyone. So I don't think I was too dreadful overall at school but I also wasn't very popular as I have a sharp tongue and used it as a defensive weapon.

I answered back if people tried to tease or bully me or just put me down - and I could usually be crueller than they. I rarely got into bother because "they started it" but I probably did upset people- after they had upset and offended me, mostly for being gawky and geeky. I simply wasn't going to let them win. I don't think that behaviour is pleasant and they paid for it. I never said anything I didn't stand by and I never regret saying it but I still know it wasn't always kind.

I was a weird kid and was neither a bully or experienced bullying. I’m old so I was considered weird as I was a punk and I think the in crowd wasn’t sure how I would react as I was quick with remarks and very gobby. Last year we had a mini reunion and one of the girls there said without me she wouldn’t of got through school as I always made the bullies look small but I’ll be honest I don’t remember her and I wasn’t brave so was probably just mouthing off as I had to live up to my reputation 😂😂

There was no hatred towards you at all and the reason I wrote that this may or may not apply to you is because I was unclear about whether you actually were a bully or someone who had been a bit mean- I can clearly see now that it’s the latter so it’s not directed at you at all- I mean you as in the bullies.

I absolutely get that kids/ people have their bitchy moments. Clearly the bullying my child was subjected to was much more extreme. I hope that all makes more sense.

Thank you. Said child is now in her late twenties so this isn’t too recent. They are doing pretty amazing in life now but the scars will always be there. We survived it, we got lucky. I know a few families who weren’t so lucky and have buried their children, it’s just heartbreaking. I agree, it’s such a sad time.

Looking back as an adult I believe bullying by peers is probably one of the most damaging experiences a young person can have outside of rape or losing a parent. The scars run so deep.

I hate when schools minimise it, or say it's "character forming." That's BS.

I was definitely more of a victim than a perpetrator, but there were moments when I behaved badly too. Occasionally, when I teased a friend, it went too far and hurt their feelings. I also stirred up trouble at least twice, probably because I was very insecure.

Looking back, we were all at our worst at secondary school age, especially from 11-14. We were shallow, gossipy, disloyal, unempathetic and intolerant.

I'm so sorry you went through this. Horrific to read. Your mother was unbelievably cruel to you, all the more shocking as she was a cm. You absolutely didn't deserve it and although it's sad that you bullied others, you weren't to blame. Basically, your mum caused that. Forgive yourself. I hope you are nc with your mother now.

This has been asked on MN before and no one ever admits to being a bully. Not sure if those types of people just don't come on MN or they have rewritten their own history?

All my school bullies have had a good dose of karma over the years though through self inflicted poverty and deprivation, despite being in my mid 40's now I still wouldn't spit on them if they were on fire.

Don't know why but I made a girl stand in one spot all breaktime when I was about six or seven. I said something about having to do it. I then tried to make her do it a second time and one of the teachers came and bollocked me. That was bullying of me and the teacher terrified me. Probably a good lesson to learn at that age and hopefully I didn't cause lasting damage to the girl. I was bullied quite a lot at home by my brother.

The only other thing I did was engineer a situation where I pretended to want a boy to kiss me and at the last minute told him there was no way as his nose was really snotty. That was mean.

I got karma as I was bullied - name calling, physical things, by a girl when I started secondary.

Also remember receiving mean comments about hairy legs and my bad haircuts in the 90s and being a bit poorer than other kids. I think mean comments can stick with you, but are also easier to get over once you acknowledge them. The people who make them have nearly always had issues in life.

In terms of the bullying- I think bullying often makes you more determined to succeed and say FU to the bullies. Much better if it never happened.

That's quite interesting re the age. I did feel like everyone matured a bit after about age 12. The age 10-12 was absolutely horrific though - defo had a huge knock on effect on my confidence for some time. The young brain doesn't know that in 5-10 years things may be different- it just knows what is now and thinks the world is always the same.

Best thing you can do as an adult is reparent yourself.

I think kids are much more aware today about not being mean so there is better social emotional teaching going on and I rarely hear kids doing the kind of fat shaming or other types of shaming common when I was at school but in other ways things have not changed. Those kids who are very quiet but cannot immerse themselves in a book or something really stand out in a school environment, the ones not comfortable in their own skin and the other kids tend to not want to be around them.

I observe and see that the popular kids are still the same as when I was in school years ago and that sadly kids who cannot connect well with others, they do get left out and often they just do not have the skills to kind of rumble along with the other kids. I do see far less bullying than when I was in school and kids are more aware of things like autism so some things are better but the same kids who got left out in the 80s/90s get left out today. Some teens are just easier for other teens to get along with and if you are not, you get left out in the cold today, if not bullied. School is pretty hard for many kids who are less social I think.

All the ‘I wasn’t a bully but I was a bit mean / unkind / called names / joined in with friend who / excluded from groups etc etc.

That’s bullying. You were a bully. Own it.

And no, we don’t want your apologies to assuage your own guilt thanks.

I was bullied for having good grades and doing my homework (state school). This is why I put my DC who's a good student in private school and my other DC who's having learning difficulties in state school.

I was bullied fairly badly, I would say it affected me pretty badly it was mainly boys about my appearance when I got my first boyfriend after I left school I put up with some pretty awful things from him as I was just grateful to have someone believe I was pretty 💔

Now in late 30s married DH is lovely and I am happy but he came along not long after first boyfriend. It upsets me to look a back I especially find it hard to accept i put up the way his parents treated me and things they said just backed up what those bullies said all those years ago especially as he didn’t defend me, he does more now. But dont think I will truly think I am pretty enough.

I am sure I was unkind at times at school it would like be an unkind laugh. I hope I never made anyone feel like I was made at school.

I was one of the class "freaks". I was bullied, but somehow it didn't really affect me. They disliked me, and I disliked them. I thought they were pathetic and shallow. They were constantly insulting me and calling me a weirdo, and some people would move away when I sat near them. The really dangerous psychos (including one that later murdered a woman) generally left me alone.

I was good friends with some people who were much worse off. One of my best friends had learning difficulties and was very effeminate. That made him a target. Two girls I was friendly with had a terrible time. They used be called dirty and smelly -they weren't. Maybe their clothes were a bit shabby, but whatever. Looking back, I suspect they were mostly bringing themselves up. They were young teenagers and their mother was in hospital a lot.