Were you unkind at school?

[Sunshinescramble]

For those that were bullies or unkind at school, do you feel remorseful as an adult? Do you question why you did it?

I dont think I was a bully at school but i did say some mean things to a friend about her appearance on a few occasions. (Around age 12/13). 32 years after leaving school i still feel an incredible amount of guilt. We were never not friends and never fell out over it but I still feel incredibly awful.

I'm not sure if I was just trying to fit in at school and act like the "cool kids". I feel an idiot even just typing that. I came from an unloving, uncaring family with no morals. I guess I was just influenced by the people around me. It's not an excuse I know. I desperately wanted to be a part of the friendship group but never really fit in. I think they saw me as the odd one out and I retaliated. (I once heard them laughing about the clothes I was wearing , we couldn't afford to shop at trendy shops)

I was on the receiving end of name calling too. One girl used to call me a really horrible name throughout school to humiliate me so I knew how it felt.

I've raised my children to be good kids and be respectful of others. I've never subjected anyone to anything unkind since. I think people would describe me as a good person.

I'm no longer in contact with this girl but part of me wants to contact her and apologise. Would this be weird after so long?

Oops, I meant to quote you in my post!

No, I was (still am) undiagnosed ND and had an abusive home life. I was a glowing flag for the bullies. I can’t fully blame them, though I don’t forgive them either. I was odd, dressed in ill fitting clothes (deliberately was brought the wrong uniform so I’d look awful), we didn’t have hot water at home so very unkempt. The ones I truly am angry at though is the teachers who didn’t see a child who was struggling badly, and instead upped the bullying themselves. By my mid teens I was in full breakdown, missing a lot of school - the one that broke me was getting in late only for my HoY to scream at me in front of my entire year (in the large hall) that I was full of excuses and everyone was fed up of me. I will never forget the look of utter disgust on her face, how shamed I was. I honestly nearly ended my life that day. Absolute horror of a woman, I hope she’s nowhere near children now.

I hate to say it but I see adult women behaving like playground mean girls relatively frequently. For some people it seems hardwired into them and would take a lot of honest self-appraisal to change.

I was never a bully and I remember actively sticking up for people who were being bullied. Particularly boys. I still have a horrible memory of a poor lad being swung around by his bag, so I punched the other square in the nose. It makes me feel a bit teary.

Anyway, when I was about 12, I was sat next to the girl who was obviously neglected at home. She has nits all over her head. When I caught sight of them I gasped, and refused to sit next to her. She cried and I've never forgiven myself for that.

Turns out I have OCD and was massively triggered by the thought of a contamination. But I do still feel how upset she was.

No I was nice, I still am. I don’t mean that to sound big headed but I was always the fat kid, I wasn’t bullied but there were names sometimes and from people who I considered friends. I counteracted potential bullying by trying to be overly nice to people and it kept me away from the bullies’ radar. Quite sad when I read it back! I’m sure there were occasions when I was unkind but definitely not frequently.

In adult life, being too nice and forgiving led me to an abusive relationship for quite some time. Luckily got out of that one.

This is very true. I'm a bit suspicious of some of the posts saying "oh I was a bit mean but not a bully". Hmm I wonder if the person they were "a bit mean" to would agree with that.

I'm sure I sometimes said unkind things but I wasn't a bully. I did feel bad, though, for not protesting about others bullying more vulnerable children.
In senior school bullying was mostly subtle, there was no physical stuff but name-calling under the guise of making a joke. Another was when most people in the form voted a very shy, awkward girl to be form captain. It was her worst nightmare and she was away sick for most of the term.
Looking back it was so cruel and I'm glad I didn't join in. I never said anything to the bullies because I'd have been scared of becoming their next victim.

I remember being unkind to one girl in particular and I feel absolutely terrible for it. I was a bit of a mis-fit, socially awkward and although not bullied as such, was on the receiving end of some nasty words and made to feel pretty uncomfortable by two girls. I never had many friends and distinctly remember encouraging a girl who I’d just become friends with, to run away from another girl who was even more of a mis-fit than myself and not allowing her to play with us. I also joined in with others laughing about her hairy legs poking through her tights. Even at the time, I remember feeling bad about it but desperately wanted to fit in and was so worried of someone taking my only friend and being left with no one. I remember being so uncomfortable with this that when my friend was off school, I’d either pretend to be ill so I could also skip school or I’d spend every break time in the toilets alone, to not draw attention to me being a loner.

The girl I picked on was really sweet and suffered quite a bit with name calling as her parents never encouraged her to he fashionable, her mum gave her a very old hair cut and she wasn’t allowed to shave her legs.

This girl did so well at school and went to a top uni to study languages, yet at 40, she still lives with her parents and only 5 years ago, hadn’t got the fancy career I thought she would have. She was just volunteering a few hours per week. It seemed such a sad situation for someone so bright and I worry that school had an impact on this. Whilst the majority of the teasing didn’t come from me, I still feel so bad to think I played a part in this.

I actually became quite friendly with her in sixth form and hopefully made up for being unkind. I hope this showed that she had forgiven me. Sadly I lost contact after that but I still think about her a lot.

I have never been unkind like that as an adult and drill it into my children to be kind and actively look out for kids that need a friend.

I was bullied horribly (to the point of ending up in A&E more than once) after moving school, from age 7 to end of primary.

Moving to secondary, I decided to reinvent myself as someone tougher - I suspect I was seen as a bit odd rather than as a bully, but I was certainly unpleasant and even threatening to a few people. There were other extenuating circumstances.

Fortunately we all matured quite well and the whole year group were very friendly by the time we all left school.

I did apologise to a few people.

I was kind and caring at school.
But i was bullied so bad by teachers and students i walked out of school at 14 never been back.
Ive never liked school or teachers since even when i walk past a school now i shudder.
The bulling i took was awful and it scared me for life.
Its one of my many many reasons i never wanted kids because i didnt want my child to face what i did or what if my child was the bully.
Its one of reasons im the way i am now being bullied as a child by adults and other students can change you it did me.
When i talk to anyone and they say oh i was the bully but we was kids lol i take an instant dislike even if they are the nices person ever i just cant.
It really dose affect some of us.
I dont trust people i hate crowds of people the list goes on.

I know someone who was bullied badly. About 5 - 7 years later, one of the bullies got in touch and apologised. This was graciously accepted and they are now very good friends. About 3 years have passed since the apology.

I was bullied several times at school but was never a bully myself. I was very far down the pecking order and was never popular. Looking back now I suspect I was/am undiagnosed ND and certain aspects of my personality made me a target. It's obviously not an excuse but unfortunately I have continued to experience bullying in my professional life on more than one occasion so I've had lots of reasons to reflect on all this.

Interestingly (and I suspect this is quite rare) one of the people who bullied me at primary school is now my best friend. I forgave her a long time ago because frankly her life was quite terrible back then and with an adult head I'm able to see where it came from. We have never talked about it.

The adult bullying I experienced was far more damaging and has left me dealing with mental health issues I suspect I won't ever resolve.

I was bullied from the age of about 9 through to 16. Always an unkind remark about my appearance, and it's stuck with me all these years.

I do have a bit of a giggle that the girl who used to bully me for having a bit of dark upper lip hair now works in beauty treatments and waxes upper lips for a job. Ha.

I don't think I ever bullied or was unkind but I certainly saw it and didn't stop it. Suppose I was thankful that it wasn't me which is awful.

Being mean and unkind, especially deliberately is not a normal part of development.

Of course it is. Children are imperfect, and make mistakes, and have bad days, and are learning. Being mean and unkind deliberately all the time isn't normal, but doing it from time to time is fairly standard. I have the kindest teenager, sensitive, caring and looks out for others, but even she will have the occasional mean moment.

I agree with you im the same age as you and suffer mental issues and it really dose affect me.
At high school kids do know better there is no excuse for it.
As an adult im still kind and caring but i will not stand back if im bullied because i wont take it but the bullies will never understand it.

Some bullies on here need to stop with the excuses of i had SEN and didnt know well you new full well what you was doing at the time and still remember it.
SEN is not an excuse for the hurt and issues that you caused some still live with today.
There ive said it.

Not a bully at all but my word was I annoying...

I was bullied horrifically. To the point I barely went in the last few years. Those kids really hated me, and I'll never know why. It started in primary and followed me through high school. I was unkempt and from a disadvantaged background. My self esteem is still shadowed by it all.

I don't buy the 'i wasn't a bully, but was unkind' at all. I wonder what your victims would say to that.

Yes, I was definitely unkind at times. All the girls were, to be honest. I really regret it now but I guess we didn’t know any better.

@No33 I don't buy the 'i wasn't a bully, but was unkind' at all. I wonder what your victims would say to that.

Indeed. And I don't think "I only did it so they wouldn't pick on me" is much better either.

I have as good as I got. Bullied at home by a parent and by other kids at primary school by time I was in year 7 I had a nasty piece of work tbh. I'm not proud of it and have put it behind me. I didn't know how to regulate my emotions and not be aggressive or controlling (I didn't feel safe at home and had some pretty severe trauma issues going on) but I knew when I was saying something unkind that I was in the wrong. I think I wanted someone to tell me I was horrible, and confirm the fact I wasn't much of a worthwhile person. I self harmed in many other ways and some times think this desire for someone to hurt me as punishment was part of that ? It's weird because I was quite afraid of actually being punished in some ways and would never admit to wrongdoing, partly because of intense shame and partly because of fear. I was afraid of what mood my parent might be in.

I try to do better now. I make sure I have learned from the past and now make a point of making sure I make amends by treating people kindly now. Everyone has issues, if only I had stopped to consider that I wasn't the only one hurting. I didn't like myself but I don't think I like anyone else really good unless it was somebody I was fixated on, then I would do anything to get them to like me. I could be obsessive about that.

I didn't turn into a bunny boiler as an adult but looking at this makes me feel I was potentially a bit of a "fatal attraction" type!

Yeah me & my friends were often mean to other girls in our year. Mostly piss taking shit that I regret now for sure. I don’t think there’s a difference between bullying and just being mean. I think to the person on the wrong end of it it’s the same thing.

Your experiences remind me of mine at primary school. To this day I feel unsafe around people even my friends I wonder if they are playing a cruel game with me and are going to pounce on me or turn on me. I have huge trust issues and feel I can't really relax and be myself (although who I am i am not sure of either? I don't think I ever had a solid sense of that).

Apologies for rambling on.

I was bullied or ostracised a lot at school. When the bullies' attentions turned elsewhere, I'd be grateful for the temporary reprieve and keep my head down.

I do feel guilt that I never really defended or protected anyone who was in the bullies' sights. I like to think I'm better at standing up for others now that I'm an adult, but I know I can't undo or unwind my cowardice from childhood.

I tell myself now that one thing we will rarely regret in life is being kind to others.