Were you unkind at school?

[Sunshinescramble]

For those that were bullies or unkind at school, do you feel remorseful as an adult? Do you question why you did it?

I dont think I was a bully at school but i did say some mean things to a friend about her appearance on a few occasions. (Around age 12/13). 32 years after leaving school i still feel an incredible amount of guilt. We were never not friends and never fell out over it but I still feel incredibly awful.

I'm not sure if I was just trying to fit in at school and act like the "cool kids". I feel an idiot even just typing that. I came from an unloving, uncaring family with no morals. I guess I was just influenced by the people around me. It's not an excuse I know. I desperately wanted to be a part of the friendship group but never really fit in. I think they saw me as the odd one out and I retaliated. (I once heard them laughing about the clothes I was wearing , we couldn't afford to shop at trendy shops)

I was on the receiving end of name calling too. One girl used to call me a really horrible name throughout school to humiliate me so I knew how it felt.

I've raised my children to be good kids and be respectful of others. I've never subjected anyone to anything unkind since. I think people would describe me as a good person.

I'm no longer in contact with this girl but part of me wants to contact her and apologise. Would this be weird after so long?

I think this is where our perceptions can greatly differ from the person on the receiving end as the person you drew caricatures of would probably say you were a bully! The fact it was out of character isn’t massively reassuring if you’re the one being targeted: the opposite if anything!

The world isn’t divided cleanly into bully, nice person, victim. There’s a lot of overlap between the three.

I wasn’t a bully at school. But after school I met my boyfriend’s beautiful sister. We were the same age (17), she was stunning, and cool.

I was quite mean to her at times and now I’m almost 40 I feel absolutely awful. I would love to see her and apologise.

She had everything I ever wanted (a stable home life, a lovely mum, beautiful face and clever) - I now realise I was a nasty jealous 17 year old! 😭

That family showed me what a stable life was like and I wouldn’t be the mum I am today without them. Just wish I could say thank you and sorry 💐

I think that’s a fair point.

This definitely rings true. I felt picked on / overlooked by the popular group for much of my school career, but around Year 9 time they turned on one member of their group, saying horrible things about her behind her back and deliberately excluding her, and I remember getting caught up in that - I guess I was happy that I could join them in targeting her rather than being the target myself.

This is just like me. I was bullied to the point it changed who I was/ am. I lost all my confidence and I've never managed to regain it. I am social anxious and introverted. I was shy before and this made me worse.

It's been decades and I've never been able to get over it and I will never forgive them.

I was only ever mean to 2 boys and that was because I was sick of the serialised comments I was receiving at 14/15 years old.

I am proud of the way my children have turned out. They have never bullied anyone and are great kids. My DC2 is currently being bullied though and it is absolutely awful.

I have been in both positions.
I was marginally involved in bullying a girl at Primary but was more complicit than actively doing anything but when I refused to really get involved everyone turned on me instead.
I will never ever forgive the people who bullied me and hope they rot in hell.

i did say some mean things to a friend about her appearance on a few occasions. (Around age 12/13). 32 years after leaving school i still feel an incredible amount of guilt.

I think most 13 year olds say the odd mean thing at times.

I definitely wasn’t a bully but I was undoubtedly a bit horrible sometimes- basically because I was socially insecure and would do and say stupid stuff to make the popular kids laugh and not bully me. I did once snip a bit off someone’s hair and then they retaliated and cut my entire ponytail off in chemistry and to save face I pretended I was fine with it and was going to get a bob anyway- my mum was livid and to this day thinks i did it myself so she’d let me get a bob.

No, I was far too low down the totem pole at a really rough school, with frequent physical fights (to the point where I literally never went to the loo at break, I would not drink and hold it all day till I got home, or, if necessary, go during a lesson with a teacher who was well-disposed towards me). On the other hand, at primary school, I still feel intensely guilty that I stood by and watched teachers' and pupils' behaviour toward Traveller girls -- I was too afraid to say it wasn't fair, because we were so visibly poor that I was acutely aware that I was only one bare step above the Travellers in the 'rankings'. Realistically, a shy, withdrawn child from a visibly poor background was never going to be able to take on a bunch of nuns with rulers in a 1970s school, but I absolutely so feel guilty in my 50s at not doing anything. Some of those girls are dead, and they never had a chance.

I was a very shy quiet kid in school so just tried to blend into the background.

I know there was two girls who disliked me at the time. Both years later individually said sorry. One lady told me that it was because she grew up in an abusive house and was jealous of the fact I had a good relationship with my parents and family. She was borderline bullying me and a few others.

The other lady grew up in a poor household and she was jealous because she saw that I got to go on all the school trips etc. She also disliked the fact that the School Principle was very friendly with me. To be fair to him he saw that I was very shy and tried to bring me out of my shell.

I would say I was kind to people though. Every year the school used to have awards some which were peer nominated and voted on and I won a few of those in my time.

I sometimes used to parrot opinions or insults that I heard at home (that were directed at me). To this day I wince when I think about it but also try to be gentle to myself because I was never truly a nasty kid, I was generally nice but I didn't have good role models or much guidance. I had to learn by myself, and that's much harder to do when your role models at home don't teach you kindness.

I often wonder this. I see so many people who were vile to others (and sometimes myself) at school now working as teachers, nurses, carers etc. I really really hope they became nice people as they matured.

I regret not sticking up for others when I had the chance to, but I was a quiet child.

I was such a non-entity at school. I had no friends or social group so I wasn’t ever unkind to anyone else. I was often picked on due to my appearance (severe acne, braces, glasses) and being very poor, but I wouldn’t say it was bullying. I was a bit of a twat in my early 20’s though. Not really aimed at anyone else, more self-destructive. It really annoyed my friends at the time though and they left me.

I don’t know if anyone would remember any of the things they said or did to me as a child but an apology doesn’t seem important now. They were children and no doubt had their own shit going on. The girl who was probably the most unkind to me had a very unkind mother, which I knew at the time. It’s crazy to think how that cruelty just spread from her to her daughter and then all around her - like it had to find a way out.

Yes I'm sure I was - not a bully or anything direct, but laughed along remarks others made which were unkind which seemed to be the sort of regular banter going on at the time, but on reflection must have been hurtful to be on a receiving end - as I was myself at times. This was probably between the ages of 11-13, trying to fit in at secondary school.

I was abused by my mum and my peers picked up on this and bullied me accordingly..

Maybe but that’s no excuse.

Bloody hell that is a sad read , some of it very familiar to me. I’m sorry that was your experience of growing up, interesting we both turned out to be asd as well, what a confusing and scary time for us

My slightly overweight friend was bullied terribly at school. When you look now at how overweight some children are today due to bad diets, she would have never drawn any attention today. I was then subsequently bullied for standing up for her. I didn't give two hoots about what was said to me, but my best friend took it badly.

After we left school she became paranoid about her weight. She became bulimic and subsequently lost her life when she was 19. I'm now 40 and miss her terribly.

About 5 years ago I saw one of the bullies in our local pub. She was quite tipsy, and spent about half an hour dribbling about how sorry she was, hoped I'd forgive her etc. I didn't say much back, but on my way out I said to her that whilst I might forgive her, I doubt the family of my friend ever would. She then asked why, and I told her that her constant jibes about her weight led to her losing her life. She took in a huge intake of air, obviously quite taken aback, and then I left. And I've not seen her since.

I do hope what I said to her rattled her, and that she's full of regret for her actions.

I do think looking back that my mother had a huge issue with me because I wasn’t how she wanted me to be and that’s why she was constantly inducing jealously I think she wanted me to change to be like those she highlighted but instead it just made me so so unkind towards them . I think about it a lot and still feel so awful , I know it wasn’t really my fault but I can’t get over the guilt as I know exactly how I made them all feel as it was how she made me feel. It’s just awful I feel terrible about it

I wasn't unkind but I do remember laughing once when a friend was mean to a girl who clearly had a learning disability. I was quiet and just wanted to fit in myself. I did feel guilty about it at the time, but I feel even worse now that I have a child myself with ASD who struggles to make friends. It breaks my heart to think that someone might make fun of her because she's a bit different.

Bless you. Is this your first day on planet Earth?

No, I was very empathetic and would not have wanted to hurt or upset other people.

My eldest has the same personality. He's a really lovely boy.

I was unkind to two girls - one had previously been a very close friend but been stealing from a lot of us - she came from a well respected wealthy family and I had nowt. I was gutted she had done it especially as she knew how upset I was by it.

The other had done nothing to me but I had a completely irrational dislike of her and anything I said was uncalled for. It was unkind but not hideous bullying.

There was also a girl who used to make others turn on someone and say we are not talking to x - and then would just ignore them and make others ignore them. I never took part in that and when it was my turn to be ignored apparently she was pissed off I didn't seem bothered and didn't bother responding when she deemed it ok to speak to me again.

The only time I regret not saying something was at a friend's house and some girls from another school saw or us and were chatting to us. They stopped two others and started picking on them - saying they had said stuff when they hadn't. It was wrong but I was scared to say anything in case they turned on us. Another girl came along they knew and she put a stop to it immediately and I wished I'd had the guts to do the same.

I wasn't a bully but I remember saying some things either in arguments or taking a joke too far that were pretty horrible. I took advantage of being better with words than my peers and used it to be pretty acid tongued. I'm at peace with it now, it was just immaturity and lack of awareness of others feelings that comes with age and experience. I hope nobody was too badly affected by anything.

To be fair to that poster, I had no idea that deliberately being mean and unkind was considered a normal part of development either.

However, I do remember being deliberately unkind when I was 4. I threw my best friend's baby doll down the stairs and then told her that I was happy I'd hurt it and hoped she was really sad!! I have absolutely no idea why I did it and I think I was more shocked than she was. I remember feeling almost disconnected from my body whilst I was doing it. I have a very clear memory of standing in my bedroom later thinking "am I a bad person" and getting quite upset. Perhaps it was the first time I'd realised I could choose to hurt people? Anyway, I apologised and was a very nice child for the rest of my childhood and teen years so perhaps it really is something we all need to get out of the way at some point, although you'd hope just once would be enough!

In high school I had an unkind best friend. She casually and constantly mocked my appearance, my accent and my family to the point where I forgot what a normal friendship was. One day she randomly described my hair colour as "bird shit". Nothing out of the ordinary, but it sparked a moment of clarity. It must have shown because she cut back after that (and I later cut her from my life completely). I can see now she was jealous and unhappy in her own life. I'd accept an apology if she ever offered one, but it would be for her benefit not mine.