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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fancy dress isn't for fat people.

287 replies

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:03

I’ve worried my friend a bit and want to know if I was unreasonable.

My friend has an anniversary coming up. She’s planned a party. We were having drinks and she said that the invites were going out soon and she’d picked a fantastic fancy dress theme (can’t what it is, too outing.)

All our other friends were excited - and then she saw my face. I made a joke about being grinchy about fancy dress, but that I was still very much looking forward to the party. She point blank asked me why I disliked fancy dress, and I’d had a few wines, and so I told her…

I’m fat. I’m 5’2” and was 16 stone. I’m now 13.5 stone and losing steadily but realistically I’ll be fat for a long time still. I’ve been fat for 15 years. My other friends are all slim (and about 5 inches taller!) It’s really easy when you’re a slender/standard size to go into a charity shop and get fun cheap things that fit the theme and which look great. As a size 18 -20 pickings are slim and usually dreadful. I spend a lot of time choosing nice going out clothes that don’t make me feel awful and that I feel confident in, but I’ll end up at a fancy dress party in something unflattering that makes me sad.

Buying ready made fancy dress is worse- nasty cheap material, usually slightly slutty.

At a 60s hen party a few years ago everyone was rocking fun micro mini dresses and knee boots they’d got in charity shops. They had nothing in my size so I was in some flares I’d had to order from Shien and a T-shirt I’d had to tie dye myself. The picture of us all just makes me feel terribly upset. I look like a tie dye whale. I did have a flattering wrap dress that I loved and made me happy but obviously couldn’t wear it. Dressing is just so much harder as a larger person.

Now, me being fat is a me problem. I’m fully aware of that, and I’m now finally managing to lose weight. This is my friend’s party and I’ll go regardless, and try not to feel like a self conscious lump. My friend is lovely and it’s not her fault I’m fat and that fancy dress makes me sad. But- other fat friends all feel the same. Fancy dress is a slim woman’s game.

My friend (5’10”, size 8) looks amazing in pretty much anything. She’s picked a theme that’s a bit risqué and will look sensational while I just can’t think of what I’ll do. I also work full time, have 3 junior aged children and a seriously unwell mother so no time to visit lots of shops/ make something.

As I said my friend is lovely and I feel sad that I’ve worried her. She asked her MIL, SIL and neighbour (all larger people) and apparently they all said the same as me- her MIL said she "dreaded" fancy dress. She’s now rethinking the theme or thinking of making it optional but I think that’ll be worse- people are lazy, there will only be a few people who bother dressing up and it’ll be a shame as it’s not what she wants.

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people but was I unreasonable for saying something? She did ask….

(Ps I know I was wrong. How do I fix this?)

OP posts:
JustSawJohnny · 01/03/2025 20:01

I'm fat myself so I feel your pain, but that pain isn't just for fancy dress parties.

Your argument seems to be that larger costumes don't look nearly as good as those on thin people, but NO CLOTHES look good on big people when compared to thin people. It's not just fancy dress, it's EVERYTHING. Not even shoes look as good on us!

As far as getting a costume, you should be able to get a plus size one on Amazon. The hat sounds like a great option. Or maybe something ridiculous, like those inflatable unicorn costumes?

Whether a size 4 or a 24, I'd rather go to a fancy dress party as someone riding an emu than as bloody cat woman! Take it as an opportunity to have fun, OP.

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

Beeloux · 01/03/2025 20:03

CeruleanBelt · 01/03/2025 17:09

I'm the same height and weight as you and I'm a size 14-16 - i was a size 18-20 at 16st.

I get your point about the fancy dress, i hate fancy dress but you've lost a significant amount of weight, i doubt you're still a size 20. If you say what the theme is people may be able to come up with ideas that you might like and feel comfortable with.

And fat people can absolutely wear fancy dress if they want to. Please don't use your insecurity to put down other fat people.

People carry weight differently, I used to be 12 and a half stone at 5”8 and was a size 14/16.

KateReddy · 01/03/2025 20:04

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 19:57

You're incredibly negative I felt horrid reading your post your energy is so depressing I can only imagine how hard it must be to be you right now and with being a single mum with a dying mother this is such a tough time I hope you having in person support and therapy.

On the main point of the thread I think you were the other spectrum of being seld absorbed in that like your friend has no hang ups about dressing up, you are also too self absorbed in ruining the fun because you have created rules and barriers to what you can and can't wear.

I think it would be best to talk about your own self than generalise about all fat people because even if this thread fills up with confirmation bias it isn't the truth, certainly not my truth. I think your self loathing will continue even at a normal BMI because it sounds like it runs deep. You can refer to yourself as fat but hating yourself into change does not work long term.

I'm sad to say you've done this thing were slim people feel they have to tiptoe around fat people or alienate them just because you are skint and hate yourself too much you don't speak for other fat people. Just say YOU don't want to do it. Not all fat people think and feel like you do about yourself.

Jesus Christ!
Did you mean to be so vile?

Bikergran · 01/03/2025 20:04

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:03

I’ve worried my friend a bit and want to know if I was unreasonable.

My friend has an anniversary coming up. She’s planned a party. We were having drinks and she said that the invites were going out soon and she’d picked a fantastic fancy dress theme (can’t what it is, too outing.)

All our other friends were excited - and then she saw my face. I made a joke about being grinchy about fancy dress, but that I was still very much looking forward to the party. She point blank asked me why I disliked fancy dress, and I’d had a few wines, and so I told her…

I’m fat. I’m 5’2” and was 16 stone. I’m now 13.5 stone and losing steadily but realistically I’ll be fat for a long time still. I’ve been fat for 15 years. My other friends are all slim (and about 5 inches taller!) It’s really easy when you’re a slender/standard size to go into a charity shop and get fun cheap things that fit the theme and which look great. As a size 18 -20 pickings are slim and usually dreadful. I spend a lot of time choosing nice going out clothes that don’t make me feel awful and that I feel confident in, but I’ll end up at a fancy dress party in something unflattering that makes me sad.

Buying ready made fancy dress is worse- nasty cheap material, usually slightly slutty.

At a 60s hen party a few years ago everyone was rocking fun micro mini dresses and knee boots they’d got in charity shops. They had nothing in my size so I was in some flares I’d had to order from Shien and a T-shirt I’d had to tie dye myself. The picture of us all just makes me feel terribly upset. I look like a tie dye whale. I did have a flattering wrap dress that I loved and made me happy but obviously couldn’t wear it. Dressing is just so much harder as a larger person.

Now, me being fat is a me problem. I’m fully aware of that, and I’m now finally managing to lose weight. This is my friend’s party and I’ll go regardless, and try not to feel like a self conscious lump. My friend is lovely and it’s not her fault I’m fat and that fancy dress makes me sad. But- other fat friends all feel the same. Fancy dress is a slim woman’s game.

My friend (5’10”, size 8) looks amazing in pretty much anything. She’s picked a theme that’s a bit risqué and will look sensational while I just can’t think of what I’ll do. I also work full time, have 3 junior aged children and a seriously unwell mother so no time to visit lots of shops/ make something.

As I said my friend is lovely and I feel sad that I’ve worried her. She asked her MIL, SIL and neighbour (all larger people) and apparently they all said the same as me- her MIL said she "dreaded" fancy dress. She’s now rethinking the theme or thinking of making it optional but I think that’ll be worse- people are lazy, there will only be a few people who bother dressing up and it’ll be a shame as it’s not what she wants.

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people but was I unreasonable for saying something? She did ask….

(Ps I know I was wrong. How do I fix this?)

I agree. I go to quite a few events where there is a fancy dress theme, and I try to think of a twist on the theme. For instance, the theme was "shipwrecked" and I bought cat ears, painted my face, and went as the ship's cat.

It is so much harder when you're larger to find the right outfit. One awful time years ago I was helping with a training course for work. I bought a new expensive jacket and smart trousers for the event. Two days beforehand, my boss announced we were all going to wear sweatshirts with company logos on! I had to buy more trousers and boots to go with these, and still felt like a scruffy mess next to my tiny younger colleagues. YANBU.

cardibach · 01/03/2025 20:05

cardibach · 01/03/2025 19:59

This is really vile. Look at yourself a bit.

Show quote history

Why is it funny? You seem really unpleasant in that post. Judgemental.

KateReddy · 01/03/2025 20:07

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

Hope you gain some sense of empathy and the ability to STFU.

cardibach · 01/03/2025 20:08

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

I’m fine thanks. Love my strong, capable, but size 18 body. What I hate is fancy dress.

Oh. And judgemental arseholes.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 01/03/2025 20:08

@TheStarOfTheShow

Despite your username this thread is not about you - despite your attempts in your post at making it so. If you are completely unable to have any empathy for the OP then it's best to not say anything.

JustSawJohnny · 01/03/2025 20:08

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

I can love and respect myself while knowing I don't look good.

Telling myself I look great when I don't is just a lying to myself.

I don't wish to be delusional.

It's not 'fat phobia', it's reality.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 01/03/2025 20:10

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

Wishing you some empathy and kindness .

Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 20:11

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

But.... I am fat. I was fatter, but I'm still fat. It's impacted all aspects of my life and health for years. It was one of the reasons my husband left. My mum is dying and being her being fat has contributed.

I'm fatphobic because being fat is shit. Screw trying to love myself I need to be healthy as I'm all my kids have and I was dangerously unhealthy. My husband is currently parts unknown with his size 8 girlfriend leaving 3 distraught kids and I'm supposed to love myself?

If I'm spending £30 of my hard earned cash on a babysitter I want to go out, feel comfortable, flirt a bit and have fun. I'm human and I need to feel good about myself.

OP posts:
Evidemment · 01/03/2025 20:13

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 19:57

You're incredibly negative I felt horrid reading your post your energy is so depressing I can only imagine how hard it must be to be you right now and with being a single mum with a dying mother this is such a tough time I hope you having in person support and therapy.

On the main point of the thread I think you were the other spectrum of being seld absorbed in that like your friend has no hang ups about dressing up, you are also too self absorbed in ruining the fun because you have created rules and barriers to what you can and can't wear.

I think it would be best to talk about your own self than generalise about all fat people because even if this thread fills up with confirmation bias it isn't the truth, certainly not my truth. I think your self loathing will continue even at a normal BMI because it sounds like it runs deep. You can refer to yourself as fat but hating yourself into change does not work long term.

I'm sad to say you've done this thing were slim people feel they have to tiptoe around fat people or alienate them just because you are skint and hate yourself too much you don't speak for other fat people. Just say YOU don't want to do it. Not all fat people think and feel like you do about yourself.

Well aren't you just a nasty piece of work.

OP I get you and I understand you and frankly it's bizarre to me that people are on here trying to explain to you how you don't actually feel the way you feel or that you're wrong for having your feelings. At the end of the day your question was not "please could you preach to me about the body I live in and none of you have seen" it was whether or not you should have said anything. If your mate genuinely had no idea some people loathe fancy dress or that it's more difficult for certain body shapes to dress themselves in, then she needed to hear it.

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:15

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people

Have you ever been to a comiccon? There are hundreds of 'larger' men and women at the things all in incredible outfits. You just need to put some thoughts into who you're going to go as.

Movinghouseatlast · 01/03/2025 20:16

I always wear the same thing to every fancy dress. It's a 50's sticky out underskirt in black.

I have been a bad fairy, a 19t0's movie star, Marilyn Monroe and a pixie just with different accessories/wigs/make-up.

To add I was the same weight as you last time I wore it, as the movie star. I wore a lot of make-up, high heels, a short fake fur jacket, a big choker necklace and a low cut black top. Did my hair all curly. I wanted to carry a fake Oscar but coukdn't find one You can find weight appropriate outfits that fit the theme.

pictoosh · 01/03/2025 20:20

I absolutely feel you OP. Fancy dress is for the slinky malinkis to strut around in and it's utterly crap being the one who can't join in.
I used to be a size 22 and dreaded an invite to a fancy dress party for this reason.
I'm a size 10 now and I still hate them but just because they're not my idea of fun now. I'm a misersable cow...cba.

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:22

Evidemment · 01/03/2025 20:13

Well aren't you just a nasty piece of work.

OP I get you and I understand you and frankly it's bizarre to me that people are on here trying to explain to you how you don't actually feel the way you feel or that you're wrong for having your feelings. At the end of the day your question was not "please could you preach to me about the body I live in and none of you have seen" it was whether or not you should have said anything. If your mate genuinely had no idea some people loathe fancy dress or that it's more difficult for certain body shapes to dress themselves in, then she needed to hear it.

Show quote history

I thought my reply was very helpful actually. I told her she needs support for her feelings and that her feelings do not speak for all fat people as her post is very much 'i hate x therefore all fat people hate x and how dare slim people not know this about us'. The op didn't stop at herself she generalised for all fat people and then the thread became a circle jerk for fatphobia. I'm so sorry that you hate yourselves so much but please do not project on others just because they share the same number on the scales or dress size.

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:23

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:15

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people

Have you ever been to a comiccon? There are hundreds of 'larger' men and women at the things all in incredible outfits. You just need to put some thoughts into who you're going to go as.

Be careful they will pelt you with rotten tomatoes and call you vile for not joining in with the fatphobia and pity party!!

Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 20:29

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:15

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people

Have you ever been to a comiccon? There are hundreds of 'larger' men and women at the things all in incredible outfits. You just need to put some thoughts into who you're going to go as.

But.... I'm tired. I'm too old and tired for this shit.

I drop the kids off at pre -school kids club as soon as it opens at 8.00. Drive to work PRAYING traffic isn't bad. Work until 5.00. Drive home PRAYING traffic isn't bad and pick the up from after school kids club at 5.30. This costs me hundreds of pounds for 3 kids. Work when they're in bed to catch up.

I'm paying for my mum's Ubers to and from hospital as she's not well enough to get the bus. Visit mum with 3 kids in tow to do cleaning and shopping at the weekend as well as my own. I'm paying for the mortgage and all the kids expenses on my own and (ex) DH is awol finding himself.

My friends are a lifeline and frankly without party hosting friend I'd have collapsed months ago. She's a STAHM and has been so helpful.

However I just want an evening out without it taking planning or sourcing or visiting multiple shops and I'd like to feel good about myself.

OP posts:
Mrsredlipstick · 01/03/2025 20:35

I can't dm you as there was a horrific incident a few weeks ago. They disable at the weekends atm.

I can help with an outfit. No charge. Just send back when finished with.
When is the party? Let's see if I can help.

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/03/2025 20:35

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 20:29

But.... I'm tired. I'm too old and tired for this shit.

I drop the kids off at pre -school kids club as soon as it opens at 8.00. Drive to work PRAYING traffic isn't bad. Work until 5.00. Drive home PRAYING traffic isn't bad and pick the up from after school kids club at 5.30. This costs me hundreds of pounds for 3 kids. Work when they're in bed to catch up.

I'm paying for my mum's Ubers to and from hospital as she's not well enough to get the bus. Visit mum with 3 kids in tow to do cleaning and shopping at the weekend as well as my own. I'm paying for the mortgage and all the kids expenses on my own and (ex) DH is awol finding himself.

My friends are a lifeline and frankly without party hosting friend I'd have collapsed months ago. She's a STAHM and has been so helpful.

However I just want an evening out without it taking planning or sourcing or visiting multiple shops and I'd like to feel good about myself.

Show quote history

If she goes ahead with it, set yourself a maximum of £10 and go online to get accessories. See if you can borrow anything.

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:37

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 20:29

But.... I'm tired. I'm too old and tired for this shit.

I drop the kids off at pre -school kids club as soon as it opens at 8.00. Drive to work PRAYING traffic isn't bad. Work until 5.00. Drive home PRAYING traffic isn't bad and pick the up from after school kids club at 5.30. This costs me hundreds of pounds for 3 kids. Work when they're in bed to catch up.

I'm paying for my mum's Ubers to and from hospital as she's not well enough to get the bus. Visit mum with 3 kids in tow to do cleaning and shopping at the weekend as well as my own. I'm paying for the mortgage and all the kids expenses on my own and (ex) DH is awol finding himself.

My friends are a lifeline and frankly without party hosting friend I'd have collapsed months ago. She's a STAHM and has been so helpful.

However I just want an evening out without it taking planning or sourcing or visiting multiple shops and I'd like to feel good about myself.

Show quote history

You and most of the rest of the world 🤷🏻‍♂️

You can't expect to put in zero effort and have the result you desire to appear out of nowhere. You either do something about it, or you don't go to fancy dress parties until you've lost enough weight that you feel comfortable enough, it's not rocket science.

cardibach · 01/03/2025 20:38

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:37

You and most of the rest of the world 🤷🏻‍♂️

You can't expect to put in zero effort and have the result you desire to appear out of nowhere. You either do something about it, or you don't go to fancy dress parties until you've lost enough weight that you feel comfortable enough, it's not rocket science.

Show quote history

What a lovely message. Not.
Totally lacking in empathy. What a vile person you seem to be.

Uol2022 · 01/03/2025 20:46

Wow it sounds like you’ve been going through a lot with your H buggering off and your mum being unwell. Struggling to find the right way to say well done for the weight loss but also your H was an absolute fool to leave someone as lovely as you seem, and a shit for abandoning his children, and I hate that that’s left you feeling so awful about your weight.

Fully agree about fancy dress. I’m not quite fat but definitely not slim and also quite short and a bit weird looking… it’s not easy to find clothes that sit well on me and I almost never look good in photos. Combined with natural modesty / shyness and an inclination for fading into the background in social situations - fancy dress is not my thing. Like previous posters, if forced I do something that just needs an accessory.

I think you were right to say what you did. Your friend sounds wonderful but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to share how you feel. I don’t think you said it in a dramatic or mean way, she asked and she obviously listened and cared about what you said. A friend like that is worth their weight in gold. As are you.

ThePoshUns · 01/03/2025 20:54

Omg @velmy did you actually intend to be so horrible? Wow.