Fancy dress isn't for fat people.

[tiedyewhale]

I’ve worried my friend a bit and want to know if I was unreasonable.

My friend has an anniversary coming up. She’s planned a party. We were having drinks and she said that the invites were going out soon and she’d picked a fantastic fancy dress theme (can’t what it is, too outing.)

All our other friends were excited - and then she saw my face. I made a joke about being grinchy about fancy dress, but that I was still very much looking forward to the party. She point blank asked me why I disliked fancy dress, and I’d had a few wines, and so I told her…

I’m fat. I’m 5’2” and was 16 stone. I’m now 13.5 stone and losing steadily but realistically I’ll be fat for a long time still. I’ve been fat for 15 years. My other friends are all slim (and about 5 inches taller!) It’s really easy when you’re a slender/standard size to go into a charity shop and get fun cheap things that fit the theme and which look great. As a size 18 -20 pickings are slim and usually dreadful. I spend a lot of time choosing nice going out clothes that don’t make me feel awful and that I feel confident in, but I’ll end up at a fancy dress party in something unflattering that makes me sad.

Buying ready made fancy dress is worse- nasty cheap material, usually slightly slutty.

At a 60s hen party a few years ago everyone was rocking fun micro mini dresses and knee boots they’d got in charity shops. They had nothing in my size so I was in some flares I’d had to order from Shien and a T-shirt I’d had to tie dye myself. The picture of us all just makes me feel terribly upset. I look like a tie dye whale. I did have a flattering wrap dress that I loved and made me happy but obviously couldn’t wear it. Dressing is just so much harder as a larger person.

Now, me being fat is a me problem. I’m fully aware of that, and I’m now finally managing to lose weight. This is my friend’s party and I’ll go regardless, and try not to feel like a self conscious lump. My friend is lovely and it’s not her fault I’m fat and that fancy dress makes me sad. But- other fat friends all feel the same. Fancy dress is a slim woman’s game.

My friend (5’10”, size 8) looks amazing in pretty much anything. She’s picked a theme that’s a bit risqué and will look sensational while I just can’t think of what I’ll do. I also work full time, have 3 junior aged children and a seriously unwell mother so no time to visit lots of shops/ make something.

As I said my friend is lovely and I feel sad that I’ve worried her. She asked her MIL, SIL and neighbour (all larger people) and apparently they all said the same as me- her MIL said she "dreaded" fancy dress. She’s now rethinking the theme or thinking of making it optional but I think that’ll be worse- people are lazy, there will only be a few people who bother dressing up and it’ll be a shame as it’s not what she wants.

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people but was I unreasonable for saying something? She did ask….

(Ps I know I was wrong. How do I fix this?)

You've made me tear up.
Thank you.
I think as you say that I'm not a natural exhibitionist so dressing up will always be hard.

With regard to "D"H all I'll say is that lots of people tell me to be grateful he "showed his true colours" and truly he's been an unmitigated shit bag in the last few years. What haunts me though is... he wasn't shitty when we married and I was a size 10. He was a lovely husband and father. Me getting fat was the trigger for him to leave. I know this makes him awful- he never gave me chance to fix things and he's been a terrible absent father. I know all about "in sickness and in health" etc but I also know that if I hadn't have got fat he'd probably still be with us and my kids would have dad and I'd have support and not be stressing about a burlesque costume party.

Can I just say OP- you sound like an absolutely wonderful person. I love that you look out for your mum despite your own shit going on. I am in awe of how hard you are working to keep your kids’ lives stable. Massive massive respect and love to you.

You are doing great with your weight loss. And yes you do deserve to feel good about yourself. Some people can do that whilst being fat, others can’t - myself included. It’s ok to want to be thinner, and you sound like you’ve made super progress in a really healthy way. I hope you post back when you’re a size 10 going to a fancy dress party feeling amazing…or maybe you’ll still hate it anyway!!

Crikey- I missed that. Probably for the best!
Thank you but I'm fine really. I got buoyed up by a lot of lovely messages ( there's a LOT of people out there who hate fancy dress which was unexpected!) and then a bit thrown by the few people with a very different perspective and I think I overshared. I'm really hoping this doesn't go anywhere as hiding the party theme won't make it anonymous with everything else I shared! I'm really trying not to make her party all about me which worries me.

but I also know that if I hadn't have got fat he'd probably still be with us and my kids would have dad and I'd have support

You do know though, that this is definitely a problem with him, not you, right?

I get that it’s massively traumatised you about your weight (how could it not!), but I hope you remind yourself this is massively on him, not you. Only a shitbag leaves - he could have stayed and helped and encouraged you to get to a healthy weight. You are not defined or valued by how you look.

Cant beat Saturday night on MN. All the members of the School Night Temperance League allow themselves a glass of wine and think it turns them into wise and funny contributors.

Bit ironic that the posters lecturing about fatphobia are the ones actually trying to make people feel like crap.

Ain't that just the truth mate

Especially the declaring everyone must hate themselves if they don't agree. Got to wonder if someone is bored enough to be sat trolling on mumsnet of all places or if they are really that dim on the emotional intellect front. Bless.

Hi. I'm not sure I'm understanding this. People have been nice. People have been not so nice. It's all been pretty fair as I know I'm a bit of a mess.
What's the temperance league and people thinking they're funny got to do with it all? I really think that even the slightly more "robust" responses had value to me.

I was just going to say the same.
Most clothes are 14 apart from jeans which are 16.
However. I started mounjaro 3rd Jan and I'm down 1 and a half stone which means most of my side 12 clothes fit again
So if you want to lose some weight then do it.
When is the party OP?

Saturday nights are odd on MN. There is usually a cohort who dont drink except for Saturday nights and then turn nasty when they do. They think that they are being insightful and hilarious but this is almost never the case. Its a bit "if you know, you know". Apologies if I derailed, that was not my intention.

Are you a real person?!

I wouldn’t have thought being a 16 would put you into the eligibility for Mounjaro. Well done on your loss though

I think someone is needing a bit of love and attention in their life, it's ok "@TheStarOfTheShow" there there

but, kindly, this is a 'you' thing. You don't speak for all fat women.
Some fat women LOVE fancy dress
Some slim women (and men) absolutely hate it

YANBU to hate it, for any reason, but your reason doesn't trump anyone else's reason, or make it more of a universal truth. You don't like fancy dress because you think it's hard to get good costumes in a larger size but other people might hate it because they dislike the ethical/financial element of buying stuff they will never wear again, or just because they hate looking 'silly' or don't like trying to be creative. All valid personal reasons for disliking it, but they are just that, personal, not universal.

You don't have to fix anything, because you didn't do anything wrong.
Your friend will be aware that some people don't like fancy dress but she picked the theme anyway. That's fine, it's her birthday party. She doesn't have to change it for you, but you don't have to pretend to be happy with it for her. All you can do is decide a) whether you want to go, and b) if yes, to what extent you are going to participate

Exactly the same as if it was any other element about a party, like it being too far away, or too expensive, or in a restaurant with food you didn't like or doing an activity you weren't into. Either politely refuse or go with good grace. The only thing that would be rude would be to go but be grumpy and moan about it the whole time.

You're over personalising it and making it all about the fat thing, but it isn't. You've just been invited to a party which has an element you don't fancy - very very common. It doesn't need this angst. You not liking fancy dress doesn't say anything more about you as a person than you not liking indian food or karaoke.

I'm a similar height and weight and am certainly a size 18-20. We're all different.

Or you just don't like it...

You can easily make a fancy dress costume for less than £30. Even as a "fat" girl. And be perfectly comfortable

Comiccons are all day events. I've done costumes for less than £30 and worn them all day

Being realistic isn't being phobic.

I'm fat, I was fatter - stuff fits better and looks better now that I'm less fat. That's just how it is. I have made my own clothes, had some lovely pieces, but, they all look worse on a big, squishy body which doesn't stay the same shape than they would on a slim body - that's just how it is.

It's not being an enemy to myself - I like myself, I'm very good at lots of things, but the fat my body is clothed in is an issue. I've moved past feeling guilty for being fat, it's just how I'm built, and working through that has helped a lot, but I am fat, I don't look or move as well as I would if I was slim and lying to myself about that would be much worse than facing it head on.

That’s £30 I didn’t need to spend as I have clothes. And £30 on something I’ll never use again which could have been used for something enjoyable 🤷‍♀️
I get that some people like it, but many don't. With that in mind, it’s poor hosting to make people uncomfortable.

It's nothing to do with not liking fancy dress and everything to do with your miserable sounding replies. It's nice to hear that I'm wrong,though. )

I think your mum could be right.

I HATE being dictated to like this. I wouldn’t go.
I posted on a similar thread a couple of years ago: a friend hosted a 60s themed/ hippy party. We turned up looking idiotic but willing to join in the fun.
She was wearing slim black trousers, a silk turquoise top, little diamond earrings and she looked great. She said ‘Oh, I didn’t get round to getting an outfit.’
I was bloody livid. Everybody looked like a dick except her.

I so agree with you! I'm under 5 foot and size 18 and fancy dress is my idea of hell. Much better to do a hat or accessory theme. I guess if you've always been an off the peg person you never think of these things.

Dressing up is only fun if you feel you look good and I never look good.

I've never considered this before, but I can completely see your point.

I think also people who are confident in their bodies and looks are happier to be seen as unattractive as a one off - like the effort Heidi Klum goes to at Halloween. Everyone knows she's beautiful, so it's fun to be something else, I guess. The majority of us mere mortals want to feel good and better than usual when we go to a party.

I suspect your username says an awful lot about you, and not in a good way.

Some of your posts on this thread are disgusting.

YANBU.
I hate fancy dress and I suspect that your mum is right about her and the skimpy costumes.

Wear whatever YOU feel comfortable in. You DO not need to dress up.
You might be able to accessorise with some suitable jewellery/scarf etc.
I’m great at finding stuff online so if you wanted to message me and tell me the theme, I’d be very happy to help.